Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.
- Hippocratic Oath
*****
"So, who might have a grudge against House?" Hotch started the ball rolling as they discussed the profile in the midst of the deserted cafeteria.
"Wouldn't it just be easier to list who wouldn't have a grudge against him?" Rossi said, but started listing anyway, "Any of his patients or their families, other doctors or any hospital staff really, former fellows, people he went to med school with, his boss, donors to the hospital..."
"We know it's not Dr. Cuddy or Dr. Wilson," JJ noted.
"Or Dr. Foreman," Emily added.
"We don't know that," Morgan argued, "He has a grudge against House, he doesn't like being under his authority, he thinks that House is 'evil'..."
"It's not him," Emily insisted, adding under her breath so only he could hear, "Would you just let it go?"
"I also highly doubt that it was Dr. Cameron," Reid said. There was mutual agreement, Cameron was hardly the type to make death threats.
"What about the guy that shot him two years ago?" Rossi asked.
"Nope, still in jail," Hotch said.
"I remember reading something about House being arrested for several drug-related charges, some of which went to trial... But he got off on all of them, claimed the officer was out to get him," Morgan suggested.
"It's possible, I'll have Garcia check him out."
Cuddy joined them at the table, looking around to make sure there was no one in the immediate vicinity. "Have you considered Edward Vogler or Stacy Warner?" Hotch shook his head and she elaborated, "Vogler donated a large sum of money to the hospital, but it came with strings attached. Long story short, House made a fool of him at a drug endorsement and Vogler then pressed the board to fire him. Stacy is House's ex-girlfriend, she almost wrecked her marriage for him, but he turned her down."
That seemed to be pertinent. Hotch nodded and told her, "We'll look into them. Can you think of anyone else? Anyone who House may have been particularly... gruff with?"
Cuddy considered, then shrugged, "House is... House. I know that's not helpful, but it would take weeks to go through the list of people House has managed to piss off..."
As she walked away, Reid said, "I don't think it was the ex-girlfriend, this seems more likely to have been a male, someone House made feel emasculated."
"This seems like someone who's overcompensating," Emily said, looking up from the sheaf of threatening letters in her hands, "Someone who was subordinate to House and was resentful of it."
******
When they were called to gather in the lecture theater later that morning, they were once again expecting a dying patient to be waiting for them. However, that was not the be the case. Instead, House was riding a scooter back and forth across the front of the room. Skidding to a stop, he stepped off the scooter and looked out at the fellows. "Eleven eager doctors and no sick people," he said, "Let's try and fill our spare time with a new challenge. The winner gets immunity..."
Cameron interrupted, coming into the room and tossing a file to House. "Patient's been averaging eighteen hours of sleep..." she started to explain.
House cut her off, "Clinical depression."
"What's the challenge?" Amber cut in.
"It's not clinical depression," Cameron said before continuing, "Three ER doctors, two neurologists, and a radiologist can't figure out what's wrong. She's got a fever, blood work showed signs of inflammation, and..."
"You were talking about a challenge?" Amber repeated.
"The winner nominates two of your competitors, I will fire one of them," House explained.
"Are you going to take the case or not?" Cameron asked, getting annoyed.
"Sure, why not," House shrugged, "This challenge could use a good subplot." Cameron rolled her eyes, but seemed satisfied that she had gotten what she wanted.
House tossed the file to 13 who read it over before saying, "Hypersomnia and personality changes point to a neurological disorder. No other systemic signs of inflammation, probably not vasculitis."
"What about parasites?" Kutner asked, "Malaria, Chagas?"
"Patient's never been outside the US, especially the tropics," Cameron refuted.
"You mean she claims she's never been outside the US," Taub said.
"Doesn't matter," 13 said, "Blood and c-sub smears show no signs of parasites."
"Has to be a tumor then," Reid said.
"A tumor sitting directly on top of the brain stem that three ER doctors, two neurologists, and a radiologist missed?" Foreman asked skeptically.
"Partridge in a pear tree missed it too," House said, "You, you, and you," he ordered, indicating Rossi, Hotch, and Morgan, "Redo the blood work and get an MRI with two millimeter cuts."
"What's the challenge?" Amber pressed.
House began his obviously prepared speech, "We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to break all the rules, but the real hero is the unsung doctor toiling away in anonymity because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you..." he took a long, dramatic pause, "...to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy." There was astounded silence as the fellows all stared at House incredulously; Reid seemed especially uncomfortable, turning a remarkable shade of red that would make a tomato jealous. "Not kidding." Still they remained frozen in their seats. "Thong, Cuddy. Go."
Slowly they started to file out of the auditorium, stopping as they passed Foreman, giving him beseeching looks. He merely shrugged, "It's how I got hired."
As they left the room, Amber strode purposefully towards the clinic, the others a ways behind, clearly unsure. JJ sprinted to catch up to Amber, "You're actually considering this?" she hissed.
"If you want to stand on principle, I really respect you for that," Amber said.
"It's childish, unprofessional, and inappropriate," Cole said, "The job is not worth it."
"We should all beg off," Taub said, "Tell him we failed, no winners, no losers."
"Fine," Amber shrugged. No one believed her for even a second.
"You're going to do it, aren't you?" Reid asked.
"Of course I'm going to do it."
******
"Morgan, you run the blood tests, Rossi and I will do the MRI," Hotch said as he, Morgan, and Rossi made their way to the patient's room.
"What about patients that died while under his care?" Morgan asked suddenly.
"What?" Rossi asked, confused by the rather out of the blue change in conversation.
"The unsub," Morgan elaborated, "It could be a family member of someone who died under House's care. Someone who blamed him for the death." Hotch nodded.
"How long has House been practicing?" Rossi asked skeptically, "That list could be hundreds of names long."
Again, Hotch nodded. "Have Garcia start with deaths in the last five years and go back from there if there isn't anyone fitting the profile."
"We should also look at anyone who's ever sued him for negligence or malpractice," Morgan added. They were about to enter the patient's room when Morgan stopped and looked about. "Where's Rossi?"
Hotch also stopped and looked around, seeing that Rossi was no longer with them. "He was with us just a minute ago..."
"Over there," Morgan pointed out, noticing Rossi attempting to hide at the nurse's station. They both went over to him and gave him questioning looks. "What's going on, man?"
"I can't go in there," he said, gesturing towards the patient's room.
"Why?" Hotch asked, "You've never had a problem before..."
"That's my ex-wife..." he hissed, "If she sees me, she'll recognize me, and our cover will be blown."
Morgan tried not to laugh, but failed. "This is gonna be fun..."
******
Morgan joined Hotch and Rossi in the MRI control room. "Blood work revealed nothing. Garcia's looking into lawsuits and dead patients." He paused for a moment, the humming of the magnet filling the silence. "So..." he eventually spoke, "How are you gonna go through the case without the patient seeing you?"
"There are ten other doctors at House's disposal," Rossi said, "It won't be a problem."
"What if House orders you to do a test while he supervises?"
He thought for a moment, not having considered that possibility. "I don't know... I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."
While he spoke, Hotch noticed the images on the screen starting to become distorted. Clicking on the microphone connecting to the testing room, he said, "Could you lie still please. The less distortion there is, the clearer the picture will be."
Some of the background conversation must have carried across because after a moment she said, "I thought I recognized a voice..."
Rossi covered his face with his hands. There was a muffled lament of, "This is not happening!" He looked up and told the others, "Tell her you're stimulating the auditory processing centre of her brain, it was an auditory hallucination."
"You want us to lie to her?" Morgan asked, thoroughly enjoying his predicament.
"Well, I certainly don't want you to tell her the truth..."
******
Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi came into House's office just as Taub handed over a pair of underwear claiming they belong to Cuddy. Just as quickly, House determined them not to be hers. "You don't think that I..." Taub began.
House cut him off, "No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today." Everyone shot him a look. "Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match."
Hotch cleared his throat to interrupt, "We have the films from the MRI..."
House acted as if he hadn't heard. Turning to Amber, he demanded, "Hike up your skirt."
"Wow," Amber gave a pithy laugh, "That's rude, even for you."
"Hike it down then," House said, rolling his eyes, "You're wearing a black bra; let's see the underwear."
"No!"
"You two cut a deal," House said, indicating Amber and Taub.
Amber looked flustered and grabbed her underwear off the table. "If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough."
"The scans..." Hotch repeated, brandishing the envelope containing the images.
House snatched them from his hand and held the films up to the light to examine them. He discarded them onto the table and Foreman snatched them up to examine them for himself. "MRI reveals nothing, it's not a tumor," House said. The fellows followed him down the hall as he headed towards the cafeteria, expecting to diagnose in transit.
They had already travelled several feet before Foreman came sprinting after them with his opinion. "A small glioma could hide from contrast, we should do a PET scan."
"Yes, that's how a responsible doctor would waste his time in this situation," House said, "A glioma not presenting on a contrast MRI would have to be smaller than grain of sand, which does not a gravely ill person make."
"It could just be a postictal disorientation," Reid suggested.
"We would have seen improvement by now," Foreman said.
At that point they emerged in the cafeteria and House headed straight to a table at the centre of the room where Wilson was sitting. "Hey Wilson," he greeted. Standing up on a chair, he announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. The kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate... Well, the food should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Dr. Cuddy." As people flooded out of the cafeteria, the fellows stared at him in disbelief. "Seizures, fever, elevated SED rate, hypersomnia, personality changes. Go," he said, turning to the fellows.
When they all continued to look at him blankly, Wilson asked, "Did you look at her breasts?"
Now everyone turned to stare at him incredulously. House made a dismissive noise and scoffed, "Men..."
"Could be paraneoplastic," Wilson explained, "Does she have a family history of breast cancer?"
"Her mother died of it," Rossi said.
"Cool," House said, "Go test for it."
Wilson waited until the fellows were gone before asking, "What did you do that for?"
House shrugged, "What fun would a good old-fashioned panty raid be without a few obstacles?" He snatched half of Wilson's sandwich off his plate before limping away.
******
As they travelled back through the clinic Cuddy stopped them and pulled aside all the fellows with real medical licenses to assist with the sudden massive influx of clinic patients. "But we have a patient," Kutner argued.
"Well, I'm sure it doesn't take eleven doctors to diagnose her. Besides, if House needs your help he'll come storming through here demanding your release. Until then, half of you can help out here," Cuddy ordered.
As the team continued on down the hall, JJ asked, "How can breast cancer cause problems in her brain?"
"There are molecular similarities between brain cells and tumor cells. Paraneoplastic Syndrome causes the body's antibodies to get thrown off track; they end up attacking the brain instead of the tumor," Reid explained.
As they got closer to the patient's room, Morgan smiled broadly and said, "Hey guys, wanna see a magic trick?"
Reid seemed enthused, "What kind of magic trick?"
"I call it: The Amazing Disappearing Rossi..." The others gave him skeptical looks. "You saw him..." Morgan explained, "Now you don't..." He gave a dramatic flourish of his hands for added effect.
They looked about for a minute and realized that Rossi really was no longer with them. "Where did he go?" JJ asked.
"The patient is his ex-wife," Hotch explained, "He doesn't want her to recognize him."
******
Emily and JJ were in the control room, in the process of giving the patient a mammogram. "I'm sorry, I know it's uncomfortable," JJ reassured her, "But the tighter we go, the better the image will be." Turning to Emily while the scanner started up, she asked, "So, what's going on between you and Morgan?"
Emily's demeanor instantly froze over, "Nothing."
JJ scoffed, "Yeah right! You're pissed at him, he's pissed at you, and he's wishing the brunt of the Spanish Inquisition on Dr. Foreman... Spill."
"It's nothing!" Emily hissed, a little harsher than she had intended. Or not.
JJ took the hint that it was a bit of a sore spot and was quiet for several moments before asking, "So, did you really kiss Dr. Foreman?"
"JJ, really?" she sighed exasperatedly. She clicked on the microphone and assured the patient, "Don't worry, it's almost over."
"I wish people would stop telling me not to worry," the patient said.
Emily was a little taken aback. "I'm sorry.
"My mom was the same age..." she said.
"A lot has changed since your mom died. Don't worr-" she caught herself at the last second, "Don't give up."
******
Once the others had finished with the MRI, they went to give House the news, whether good or bad depended on the perspective. "No tumor?" House asked, "And where are your cohorts?"
"Dr. Cuddy cornered them and dragged them off to help in the 'mysteriously' overcrowded clinic," Hotch explained, hooking air quotes around the sarcasm.
"The MRI and mammogram showed only a few benign calcifications," JJ answered the first question.
"It's most likely a small cell tumor," Foreman said, "It's no surprise we're having trouble finding it. We should do a PET scan, start with her lungs and maybe her bones."
"Maybe there is no tumor," House mused.
"So if it's not paraneoplastic, what is it?" Morgan asked.
"Sometimes it presents with no tumor," House said, "Twelve percent of cases."
"How do you treat it if there's no tumor?" Emily asked.
"You don't. Those twelve percent have no treatment. They were too busy looking for the tumor right until they put the patient in the ground."
"What choice do we have?" Foreman asked.
"Treat the symptoms," House said, "IV immunoglobulin."
"So we're just going to ignore the tumor?" Reid asked.
"Eventually it'll get bigger," House shrugged, "Then it'll be really easy to find. In the mean time, we need to check out where she works."
"Why?" Hotch asked, hoping this wasn't going to wind up with one of them committing a felony... again.
"Because the husband's not sick. If it's not paraneoplastic and it is a reaction to some kind of toxin, it's obviously not coming from their home." He looked at each of them in turn, apparently considering, before commanding, "Foreman, Morgan, you do it."
******
Over a game of fooseball, Wilson quizzed House, "So, when are the games gonna be over?"
House scoffed, "How long have you known me? I have my fellows on a mission to steal Cuddy's unmentionables..."
Wilson shook his head, laughing slightly, "You're right; let me rephrase, who are you going to keep?"
"I really don't think there's any bad apples in this bushel. Let's see... They robbed a grave for me, there's the guy who set a patient on fire and electrocuted himself..."
"Got drunk on the job," Wilson added for him, "Lied to everyone and their dog..."
"That reminds me," House said, "One of them did kill a dog... And its owner.
"You're right," Wilson said, rolling his eyes, "A stand-up bunch of medical and ethical role models..."
"Do I detect a touch of sarcasm?" Just then, House's pager sounded. He pulled it from his pocket and read the message. "Nurse's station, patient emergency." He immediately returned to the game.
"Aren't you going to go see what the emergency is?"
The ball rattled into Wilson's net, seeing as he was still standing dumbfounded. "That's what I have fellows for," House shrugged, "What did you think I was having them do? Wash my car? Because that would just be a waste of brilliant medical minds."
"I thought your fellows were all preoccupied in the clinic with the great mayonnaise panic of 2009," he said as he dropped the ball at centre.
"Well, all the ones that weren't busy washing my car..."
******
One by one, the team converged on their patient's ward. "You got House's page too?" Reid asked the others.
They nodded. "Did he say what the emergency is?" Hotch asked. No one knew.
"It's really quiet up here," JJ noted.
"That's because any doctor that can be spared is downstairs dealing with House's condiment crisis," Rossi said, stopping just short of the nurse's station.
The others stopped when they got to the patient's room. They found her to be sleeping peacefully, none of her monitors showing any signs of distress. "There's no emergency..." Emily said suspiciously, "She's completely fine."
"Maybe House is just trying to screw with us," Reid suggested, "Wouldn't be the first time..."
All of a sudden there was an explosive noise worthy of Mythbusters. The entire team backed against the wall, grabbing at their hips for the weapons that no longer occupied their accustomed place. They waited, tensed, for another explosion, but none came. No one screamed in pain, no walls crumbled, no flames erupted. The air was filled with a fine cloud of dust for several moments before the air cleared and their vision was once again unobstructed.
"What the hell was that?" JJ asked when she recovered from the shock. No one had an answer.
They were in the process of trying to find the source of the noise when there was the shrill sound of an alarm and the overhead paging system proclaimed, "Code Pink!" The doors to the unit sealed themselves and the air ventilation system hummed to a stop.
"What the hell is going on?" Hotch demanded of a nearby nurse.
"Code pink means a biohazard contamination," the nurse squeaked nervously.
"The cloud of dust from the explosion," Rossi said, realization crossing his face, "The explosion must have released some kind of bio-agent into the air!"
Hotch turned back to the nurse, "You'd better revise that code pink to a code zebra."
"Bioterrorism alert?" she asked, all color draining from her face. Hotch nodded. "Oh, dear God..."
A/N: From now on, you can expect the chapters to be a fair bit shorter than these last few have been, seeing as we're now back on my original track for the story, i.e. writing completely from my own design. Hope it's been awesome so far, I'm hoping that it only get better from here...