Kendall looked at me puzzled, but I could tell he was all ears. I couldn't believe I was about to tell him this, but I wanted him to know. He deserved to know. We walked into the living room and he sat down on the couch. I was about to sit in the recliner next to the couch when he grabbed my hand and pulled me down next to him. I looked down, and he was still holding my hand. It sent shivers up my spine. I glanced up at him and he smiled. "You can tell me anything. I want you to know that and hold it to be true. You can trust me."
I took a deep breath. "You already know the basics, but I want you to know the whole truth. First I should start with Aunt Tess. Aside from Sadie, she was my best friend in the whole world. I know that might sound weird because she's our moms' age, but it's true. I used to spend my summers at her house; I never wanted to go home. When she got cancer, I was devastated. It was the first time I ever felt truly hopeless. When she died, I honestly couldn't handle it. There was this dull ache in my chest that I had never felt before. That's when the depression first hit." I looked at him, those green eyes full of curiosity, but he didn't say anything, so I continued. "When I got together with Charlie, things got a little better, for a while. We were together for about a year and a half, and the first year was great. It was in the last couple of months that things started to get bad. He used to drink… a lot. He had me come pick him up from the bar one night, and when we got back to his place he was accusing me of cheating on him and all this other crazy nonsense, I had no idea where it was coming from. That's the first time it happened." Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I hadn't even told Sadie this, and she's been my best friend since I was four.
I could hear the quiver in Kendall's voice when he asked, "The first time what happened?" I had a feeling he knew where I was going, but he wanted to hear me say it. And someone other than Dr. Stephens needed to know.
"That was the first time he ever hit me. I told him he was crazy and that I was faithful, and he slapped me. Hard. I honestly didn't know it was possible to be slapped hard enough to bruise. It wasn't a big bruise, but it was big enough for Sadie to notice." I looked down at my lap. I hadn't told anyone the truth because I was so embarrassed, and here I was pouring my heart out to a guy I had only known for a few weeks. "It was the first time I've ever lied to Sadie. I felt awful for lying to her; I still do. I told her that some drunk guy elbowed me in the face when I went to get Charlie. She believed me; or I think she did. He swore he didn't remember it and for a while I believed him. The next time he hit me, he wasn't drunk. I put up with it for about a month, and I told him if it happened again I'd leave and never look back." The tears were falling hard now, and I couldn't stop them. "He got this sick, twisted smile on his face and punched me as hard as he could in the stomach. I doubled over and couldn't move. He came up to me and whispered 'Everyone would be better off if you left, sweetheart. No one would miss you.' When I could finally breathe again, I left him. I called the police and told them he'd been abusive and they put a no contact order on him."
Kendall's eyes were full of worry. I could tell he wanted to console me, but I wasn't done yet. "The hardest part is, I started to believe him. When we broke up, he started dating someone I thought was my friend. I felt so betrayed and so alone. I honestly believed that if I were gone, no one would miss me. With Aunt Tess gone, I realized I had no one to turn to. I was completely alone. The loneliness started to agree with the emptiness I was feeling. After a while, I decided I didn't want to feel anything at all. That the heartache and pain just wasn't worth it anymore. My family was on a day trip when I made my decision. I was done, I was alone, and no one would miss me."
Tears were starting to form in Kendall's eyes. "You don't have to… it's okay."
But I shook my head. "No, Kendall. I NEED to tell someone. It eats at me. The loneliness is still there, gnawing at me every day."
He leaned in close to me. "Well then if you have to tell me, I will listen." He brushed a strand of hair out of my face and my heart fluttered. Here I was, at my most vulnerable, and he was being a complete gentleman.
I took a shaky breath and continued. "I had it all planned out. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want to feel. My brother had surgery on his leg a few months prior and I knew he still had some pain pills left. I went to my room and took out the bottle of vodka I had hidden in my closet. One pill, I knew, wasn't going to do the trick; two would make me feel better, but not what I needed. But six… six would do it. Before I could think twice about it, they were in my mouth. I took them and laid down, just waiting for the pain to stop. I closed my eyes for what felt like a minute, and in the distance I heard my mom screaming. When I opened my eyes, I was at Aunt Tess' house. She was standing in the kitchen, waiting for me. She smiled and told me it was about time I joined them. I looked over and saw myself sitting in a hospital bed, Mom and Sadie at my side. I couldn't believe it, it felt so real. Tess told me it was my choice, to stay with her, or go back to them. I wanted to stay with her, I wanted to feel happy. But there was nothing. I willed myself to feel anything but I couldn't, so I told her I wanted to come back. I was in the hospital for a little over a week, and Mom made me an appointment with Dr. Stephens the day I was released. I had been seeing her on and off since Aunt Tess died, sort of like grief counseling. She thought it would help, having someone to talk to, but it hasn't."
"That's what this whole stupid trip is really about." I was shaking so hard I couldn't breathe, and I was feeling like and idiot. This is why I didn't want to tell anyone; I didn't want them to look at me like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't meet Kendall's eyes, afraid of what he must be thinking. "She's trying to get me back to normal. The depression and the emptiness have worn off, but the loneliness is still there. No one understands, no one can make heads or tails of it."
"Sophie…" he sounded so sincere, but I knew what he was thinking. Poor little girl felt alone so she tried to kill herself, poor little girl crying out for attention. I shook my head and ran up the stairs. I felt like I was going to be sick. I was such an idiot for telling him. "Sophie wait!" I could hear Kendall run up the stairs as I ran to my room. I locked the door before he could reach it. "Sophie, please, talk to me."
I couldn't control my sobs any longer. I had trusted him, and now I felt like a fool. Why would I think that someone like Kendall Schmidt would understand? His life was probably perfect. I was shaking and wanted to run out to the balcony, but I knew he'd follow.
I could hear what I assumed to be his head hitting the door. "Please, Sophie… I told you that you could tell me anything. You're not alone; I promise you." We sat there for a few more minutes, the only sounds coming were my sobs that were not getting any calmer. I could have sworn I heard him say "That's it," and he headed off to his room. I went and laid down in my bed, exhausted from crying. The last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep was the faint sound of Kendall's guitar.