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Seiren's Special Note to Readers: I've attempted a more light-hearted style of writing for this oneshot. It was a LOT of fun, and I'll probably write the rest of these oneshot submissions in this style. Maybe. I like writing in satirical form, too.

And those two look alike. Don't deny it, they DO! THEY DOOOOOOO! *ahum* You'll see what I mean later on.

**Disclaimer**

Matt: You're back for what… the third time?

Seiren: Matt, do the Disclaimer please.

Matt: I refuse to be subjected to this kind of humiliation!

Seiren: Hmm… Pixi Stik?

Matt: Pixi Stik? Yay! *snatches Pixi Stik and pours powder into mouth* ……Wait! YOU! DON'T USE MY WEAKNESS AGAINST ME!

Seiren: Haha-JUST DO IT.

Matt: *cringes* You're scarier than Beyond sometimes… *sighs* The various authors and authoresses in this compilation do not own any of the Death Note characters used in their oneshots… *mumbles* Thank God.

Raito: You're welcome. ^^

**End Disclaimer**

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~How to Lose a Girl in Two Days~
(special appearance by a murderer we all know and love…kinda)

Original Author: Seiren_Sekito . Any and all credit goes to her. Enjoy! ^^

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Mello and Matt lay on their backs on the roof of the complex, staring at the darkening sky. Tiny dots of light appeared like tiny dots of hope on the dark blue tapestry of night.

"Oh God, Mels. We haven't eaten that well since before the Boy Scouts came and raided the pantry." Matt patted his stomach. "Now if only we could get good meals all the time."

"Here's to hoping."

"Hey!" a voice drifted from below them. "I got your mail again. Seriously, you doin' this on purpose?" A letter spun up and landed on Matt's stomach.

Matt sighed and opened it. "Oh damn."

"What?"

"According to Near, Roger has a spy in our apartment complex and he wants to know why our information in the Wammy's database doesn't jive with what the spy is sending."

"Our beautiful night has been destroyed." Mello sat up. "Well. Let's see how we can weasel our way out of this one." He stood and brushed off his pants. "Depending on who the spy is, this might not be an all bad thing."

~oOo~

A few days later, Matt walked into Roger's office at Wammy's, lit cig dangling casually from his mouth. "What's this about? We've been giving you..." He trailed off when he saw who was sitting in one of chairs in the office. His eyes narrowed behind his goggles, teeth clenched around the cig. "Oh. It's you."

The woman, also known as Kate, smiled brightly. "It's nice to see you too, Matthew."

Roger cleared his throat as Matt twitched. "Ah. You two know each other. Well, Kate here has been at your apartment complex, watching you for a while now. And what she has to tell me about your performance on the case there has been rather enlightening."

"Really."

Roger and Kate, also known as 'Ball Breaker' among enemies, didn't notice the iciness of Matt's tone or the cigarette's increased speed of burning out. Mello began edging toward the door.

"Why don't you tell us what's going on, Kate?"

"Yes," Matt breathed out smoke. "Tell us everything you know. It'll only take ten seconds."

Mello began rattling the door, trying to get out of the room.

Kate, also known as 'Evil Bitch,' visibly tensed. "I do not have to take your abuse."

Mello put the silencer on his gun and shot out the glass. He lifted himself and prepared to exit into the hall.

"That's all right. I'll just continue to fling insults at you anyway."

"You better watch yourself, Matthew, or I'll make your life a living hell."

Mello froze.

"Go ahead. Make my day."

Mello dived headfirst out of the broken window leading into Roger's office. Scrambling to his feet, he grabbed a very confused Linda and ran for the stairs.

~oOo~

A few hours later, Matt and Linda sat at a table outside, sipping their sodas.

"So how are you going to get out of this one?" Linda asked.

"Meh, not sure."

"So how do you know Kate?"

The gamer pulled out the first cigarette of his fifth pack that day, and lit it silently.

"Ex-girlfriend?"

"Nope. I turned her down when she asked."

Linda took a sip of her soda and started to sketch Matt's lighter on the table. "Why?"

"She's a bitch. And I only take that sort of attitude from Mello. Even then, it's a stretch."

"And what about Near?"

Matt blinked. "Does Near look girlier than Mello to you?"

Linda smiled secretly to her sketch. "So she's got you on a short leash..."

"Figuratively speaking. I just have to find a way to discredit her. Make her say something that will be perfectly obvious to stupid Roger that she's lying."

Mello walked outside at that moment and did a double take. He looked at Matt, who was standing right next to him, and he looked at Matt, who was sitting at a table with Linda. "I... I'm confused."

"I told you I wasn't Matt," Raito said and crossed his arms over his chest.

Matt looked up and an evil smile curled his lips. "I just had an awful idea."

"What?" Linda looked in the direction of the visitor.

"A wonderful, awful idea." He stood up. "Bitch is going down."

~oOo~

"I'm really glad you decided to take my offer, Matthew," Kate, also known as 'She Who Must Die,' said the next day. She giggled as she hung on Raito's arm.

Raito smiled. "On the contrary, Katie, I've decided that, since you're trying to sabotage me and Mello, I'm going to have to kill you."

The color drained from her face. She turned and ran. Raito sighed, disappointed at how easy it had been, and slowly followed. Kate, also known as 'Doom,' ran into Roger's office and came face to face with Matt, having his morning chat with the old man.

"He's Kira! He tried to kill me!" she screamed.

Roger blinked. "When?"

"Just now! Outside!"

"But, Matt has been here all morning."

Kate, also known as 'Royally Screwed,' blinked. "But I was just outside and he and I had breakfast and..."

"I think, Roger, that this just proves that this 'spy' is incompetent or a double agent." Matt smiled into his coffee. "With her current efforts to sabotage me and therefore, Mello, I believe that she is a double agent."

Kate, also known as 'Dead Meat,' gasped and escaped before anyone could catch her. Roger stood.

"Don't bother going after her, Roger. I know just the man to do it for us." Matt walked out of Roger's office and into the room across from it. Raito sat behind the front desk, idly flipping through a magazine.

Mello look up from where he'd been staring out the window. "All according to plan?"

"Of course."

Matt sat down on the desk by Raito. "Thanks for the help, man."

"No problem. Just don't tell Near I was here."

~oOo~

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Raito: I had a cameo! I IZ HAPPY! *does a jig*

Seiren: And I'm sure half of the readers were hoping it was B who had the cameo. Oh well.

Matt: You made me Nega-Matt again! I HATE YOU!

Seiren: Oh geez, that's really nice, Matt. I love you, too. Here's a Pixi Stik for putting up with being evil.

Matt: YAY! *runs off happily*

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Misseh's A/N: YAYAYAYAY Seiren_Sekito is back! WITH LOTS OF ONE-SHOTS :D Endless thanks, this was hilarious! Poor Mello, haha ^^

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