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Seiren's Note: The truth is stranger than fiction… this is actually based on a true story. This is also a FLASHBACK oneshot. In other words, this takes place prior to any Death Note related stuff. Including the LABB murders. It's at the end of December 2001. So that would make Mello 12, Matt 11, Near 10, and L 22. The others are as old as your want them to be.
This is through both Mello and Matt's POV.
**DISCLAIMER**
Seiren: Hiya guys! I'm back, and I'm all better! ^^
Matt: *with bumps on head and cracked goggles* Yeah, she's sane…sort of… again after running around all week with a tennis racket.
Mello: *limping* I hate tennis.
Seiren: Heheh… I swear I didn't know I hit the ball that hard. Sorry.
Beyond: You are also a little late with the oneshot.
Seiren: Sorry.
Matt: The authors and authoresses in this collab don't own us. Too bad for them.
**END DISCLAIMER**
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~B & B~
(a flashback to Wammy's)
December 28, 2001
Twelve year-old Mello was getting just a little frustrated…
There were so many things that the older orphans said that he didn't understand. Things he had the uncomfortable feeling he should know.
Linda's hysterical laughter when he asked her to clarify something one older girl had said confirmed it more than anything.
So while he was locked in his room, studying and wondering over the damnably irritating innuendos, the others were having a little powwow in the cafeteria.
"L!"
"Yes, Linda?"
Linda held her stomach as she leaned over the side of her chair, laughing hysterically. She raised a shaky finger to point at L as she tried to speak, failing miserably and eventually giving up so she could concentrate on laughing.
"I don't believe this," A deadpanned, a thin bead of sweat sliding slowly down the side of his face as he shifted his incredulous gaze from orphan to orphan. "Mello was never given the erm…the birds and the bees talk?" He blinked. "…Hm, that explains why he always looks so confused when he's being flirted with and why I could never figure out if he knew or what."
"L!" B repeated with exasperation. "Didn't you tell me that if I gave Matt and Near that talk you'd do the same for Mello? For God's sake, he's nearing puberty and he doesn't know what sex is!"
"Yes, well." L sighed and sipped at some Earl Grey tea. "I never had the time. I had cases to work on, correct? Case after case since I was last here…where was I to find the time to return for that? What did you expect me to do? Take a week off and lose almost every ounce of sanity I have? No thank you, B. I will do a lot for my successors, however, that is just pushing it."
"L, even Near knows it doesn't take a week to explain sex," snorted A.
"Well," B started sheepishly, averting his red eyes to stare at the wall. "By the time Mello has exhausted every possible question, it probably would be a week. You know how curious he is."
Linda's laughter increased. "Oh God!" She snorted, laughing harder. "I can imagine the questions." She instantly calmed, a dreamy look curling her lips as her eyes glazed. "We could teach him to many things." She sighed blissfully. "So many things…"
"Your imagination scares me," Matt muttered, standing up without taking his eyes off of his GameBoy Advance.
"Stay right where you are," B ordered. "We have one more thing to discuss." He smiled eerily as every pair of eyes, including Matt's, focused on him. Someone was going to do the job; Mello was too popular in the orphanage to be left so damnably naïve. He was going to be jumped one of these days and it'd be all L's fault. "Which of you three strapping young men are going to have the talk with little Mihael?"
For a moment, nothing happened; everyone sat staring at each other, the strapping young men looking vaguely ill under the expectant gaze of B, and Linda's gleeful smirk. Then B blinked. That's all he did and suddenly he was left with only Linda and Near in the room and the door swinging off its hinges. The artist was laughing hysterically and volunteering her yaoi doujinshi to help teach Mello while Near sat alone in his corner, snickering to his toys.
B scowled, crossing his arms over his chest as he stamped a foot and glowered at the door.
"Those three are such cowards."
~oOo~
"We will not give him the talk."
"Right. We'll just protect his innocence. It's the easier option."
"Way easier."
~oOo~
He didn't understand it.
Suddenly he felt like he was reliving part of the year 2000, when he and Matt had planned a great escape to London to catch a Muse concert. When the two of them had come back, B had been pretty protective and Roger had turned incredibly distrusting of strangers. Mello hadn't realized just how a pile of CD's could be deadly weapons until October of 2000 when he made the error of leaving a visitor alone in the playroom after hours.
And now he had A, L, and Matt of all people turning into overprotective figures alongside Roger. B had grown out of it eventually. Something about seeing numbers return to their normal setting or whatever.
Stepping back from the refrigerator in the kitchen and moving to open the first frozen chocolate bar, he sighed as Matt insisted on sticking by his side and escorting him everywhere. A kept sending the orphans away from the pair. L was currently interrogating one boy, about fourteen, who looked ready to cry; for what reason, Mello didn't know. Honestly, all the kid had done was ask whether Mello preferred chocolate chip, or mint-chocolate chip flavored ice cream.
Mello really didn't understand it. So he did what he normally did when he was confused.
He waited until their attention was distracted by something else and raced downstairs to sneak over to B's room.
Maybe he could explain all of the weird goings-on.
~oOo~
Matt looked up from where he had become embroiled in a Gym Leader battle and frowned when black and yellow didn't meet his eyes. "L…where's Mello?"
"…."
"A?"
"Damn. Which one of you filthy bastards took our little Mello!"
"Your little Mello?" came a curious voice. "Is he your love child or something?"
Matt sighed as he grabbed the back of L and A's shirts on his way to the stairs. "Let's just find him instead of hissing and spitting."
~oOo~
Near gave a small yelp when he opened his closet door and found Mello huddled in it, clutching a large, stuffed orange dog.
"…What?" Near almost gasped, raising an eyebrow and entwining a finger into his hair.
Mello looked up at his friend-soon-to-be-hated-rival frantically, and hastily made 'shh'ing noises. "Quiet! They'll hear!"
"Who will?" Near whispered, looking around him as Mello grabbed his wrist and tugged him in. He sighed his resignation and sat down beside the blond as he pulled the door closed.
"A, L, and Matt. They've gone crazy. I'm honest-to-God scared."
"You must be. You are hugging an orange dog," Near muttered with a forlorn sigh as the chocoholic tightened his chocolate-covered fingertips on the stuffed dog and pressed himself closer to the wall. "May I have that back? You are getting chocolate all over it."
"No! You can't open the door. It's not safe."
"Well, what are they doing?"
"Well… L was questioning anyone who spoke to me. A kept shooing everyone away from me, which has basically made me the outcast of the month. But the scariest is Matt." Mello's blue eyes widened fearfully. "Near, he was actually paying attention to me."
"Oh," whispered Near, slumping back against the opposite wall as a shiver ran up his spine. "That…that is quite scary."
"So then I ditched," Mello continued softly. "I was going to B's room to ask him about what's going on, but they tracked me down…and then it got worse. A covered me in a thick blanket when the heater has it at ninety degrees Fahrenheit in here, and L kept scaring off everyone who came close to us-which only brought more kids out-while Matt moved me away from them all. I'm confused," he complained as he dug in one of his pockets and pulled out a semi-melted Hershey's bar and idly began to lick the melted side. "Seriously, what the hell's wrong with them?"
Near blinked, his mind whirling rapidly at the implications. "Oh dear…" he murmured, shifting to his feet. "I have to go. Linda…and B…. Good bye," he managed to say before darting out of his closet, the door quickly snapping shut behind him.
Mello moaned and banged his head against the wall boarding the doorway. "Why, why are they all going crazy?"
~oOo~
"Cowards."
"What?"
"According to Near, Mello is confused beyond all belief! You've scared him for God's sake! Will you just give him the talk already?!" B yelled, his patience long-since expired; throwing his hands up in the air as he spun on his heel and stalked to the library doors. "When I get back from going with Roger to town, someone had better have volunteered to do it!"
"I vote Matt for the job!" Linda squealed, smiling broadly.
"Second it," L muttered from around his fork, raising his hand and dropping it back to the fork lazily.
"Me too." A didn't even glance away from his book, merely raising a hand before lowering it to turn the page as he began to mutter something incomprehensible.
"Same here."
"Near!"
"Think about it, Matt. If you can defeat all of the current Final Fantasies released to the market, you can handle this."
"In all honesty, I'd rather play them all over again."
Near looked up with a glint in his dark violet eyes. "Do it, Matt, or certain photos will find their way into Linda's mischievously evil little paws."
"I'm going!"
~oOo~
When the closet door creaked open, Mello had been expecting it to be Near demanding that he let go of his stuffed dog, get out of his closet, and wash his hands already. Instead, he was confronted with Matt staring down at him in surprise, goggled eyes flickering from his face, to the stuffed dog, and back again.
"…are you…hugging an orange dog, Mello?"
Mello grunted as he hurled the dog at Matt, but unfortunately his nail caught on a loose seam in the dog, and as it flew, it ripped apart, causing a white stuffing-eruption which had him coughing. He felt a cheerful satisfaction when he heard his best friend cursing.
At least, until Near walked in, saw the torn animal, put two and two together, and eschewed the two friends from his room, threatening death if they dared to go near his closet again.
Looking highly miffed as he picked out small pieces of stuffing from his hair, Matt turned towards Mello and grabbed his hair as the blond tried to sneak off. "We need to talk." Matt coughed as he fidgeted slightly. "Um. Alone."
Mello sighed as he realized that his solitude was over and nodded reluctantly. "My room," he muttered sullenly as he headed down the hallway.
~oOo~
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Uh, well…" Matt closed his eyes and swallowed, counting to ten before opening them again, forcing himself to speak. "B…seems to think you…uh, you don't know what sex is."
Mello took a bite from his Godiva bar before he fixed Matt with his blue eyes and a nonchalant shrug. "I don't know what sex is."
Matt face-faulted, absolutely floored by the indifference Mello displayed at his obvious lack of knowledge. Privately, he'd been fervently praying that Mello had known but was merely very, very, very naïve despite that knowledge. "O-kaay." He cleared his throat loudly, looking awkward as he distracted himself with the hem of his striped shirt. "Err… B…also wanted me to explain it," he mumbled, staring down at his fingers unwaveringly. His eyes slowly began to water, so he forced himself to blink, silently reminding himself that Mello needed to know, that it wasn't safe to leave his own best friend that naïve and unawares…and that Near would show those photos if he didn't. Damn little albino.
Mello inclined his head as he held his chocolate bar in one hand, the other lazily thrown over the back of his chair. He gave Matt his full attention, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "Go on."
Matt winced internally. Naïve, he thought, definitely naïve… Which was a little scary; he'd never taken Mello to be naïve. "Right." He coughed, shaking himself from his thoughts. "Um, well, erm…well you know men and women are built differently, right?"
"I did get that impression, yes," replied Mello sardonically, eyeing Matt warily as the redhead blushed and flustered.
"Mels, do me one favor." He drew in a breath as the blond nodded his agreement. "Shut up and don't talk until I ask if you have any questions."
Mello frowned, but nodded again, making a small gesture with his hand, telling Matt to continue.
"Thank you," he muttered. You can do this, Matt. Remember: this is your best friend. He'd hate you forever if you kept this information from him in the future. He looked at Mello, who was waiting patiently for him to continue the explanation, before staring up at the ceiling. I never want to do such a damn thing again.
"Okay," Matt inhaled sharply. "Well, that's so that humans can have children, procreate, and that involves sex. Well, people of the same gender can have sex, too; they're just unable to have children in the biological sense."
Good, Matt, goooood. That's one part over, now to explain the act…fuck. He blinked as an idea hit him. Metaphor. People used it all the time, didn't they? Why not now? He nodded to himself with a small smile as he settled on what he thought was a good metaphor for the conversation.
"See, sex is like a gun and its holster…the gun goes in the holster," he said with feigned brightness, feeling more than one brain cell commit an atrocious suicide.
Mello frowned and stood up, walking over to where the gun L had given him for his most recent birthday was on his desk, picked it and the holster up, and put the gun into the holster. Looking up at Matt, he sighed tiredly. "I don't get it. Sorry, Matt, but how is that sex? You said it involved people."
Matt leaned forward and started to bang his head on the headboard at the top of the bed, alternating between pained groans and swearing between thumps. Silently, he made a note to kill the others later.
So Matt was reduced to trying the more conventional methods…
The Birds and the Bees~
"Matt, I sincerely doubt that a bee could sting a bird through all those feathers; actually, I think the bird might eat the damn bee before it could try, so how does that one work?"
Matt reacquainted his forehead with the headboard, finding his friend's naiveté just a little too endearing to allow him to punch the blond in good conscience…
The Planting the Seeds and Watering the Garden~ "Why do I get the impression you are screwing with me?"
Matt had to bite back to retort that came to mind and reminded himself that his only means of getting out of this was suicide, and he had no means of carrying that out… well, he could make a lunge for Mello's gun, but that would be a little awkward and he knew Mello would probably kill him himself if he dared to get blood all over his bed.
The Stork~
(admittedly, this one had been a moment of insanity brought out by desperation)
"…. A stork…carries babies? …What have you been smoking, Matt? I may not understand anything about sex, but even I know that one is pure bullshit."
Understandably, by this point, Matt was starting to wonder if maybe this was one big prank designed to drive him insane. Surely there was no way in hell a person could be this naïve. Himself, Near, and Linda weren't ever this naïve for God's sake.
Closing his eyes, he inhaled and exhaled sharply for a few minutes, trying to find that little thread of patience still hiding within him, grasping it tightly when he located it before opening his eyes and looking back at Mello, seeing a pair of mildly bored and completely confused blue eyes staring back at him. He exhaled sharply once more and decided to simply tell the truth, strengthening his resolve as he tried to figure out the best way to explain it.
"Okay, Mello, since you fail to grasp the subtle intricacies of metaphors…" He promptly ignored the scowl thrown at him as he swallowed. "I'm forced to give a graphic description. You fucking owe me. Now seriously: do not talk until I've finished and asked if you have any questions."
Matt's face was just a little bit scary, so Mello gave his vow of silence.
"Okay…" Matt instantly floundered, raising his eyes heavenward pleadingly. "Aw fuck, do I really have to do this?"
Mello stared.
"Okay, um, well, obviously you and your partner are naked…and…fuck…" That's technically it, he thought ruefully. Too bad Mels doesn't understand.
Mello was still staring, though his eyes had widened fractionally at the 'naked' word.
Matt was starting to see just why L had postponed the talk. Mello had clearly been kept unbelievably sheltered throughout his life as Wammy's. He didn't even know what a yaoi doujinshi was according to a horror-struck Linda. To be honest, Matt was starting to feel like he was showing porn to a toddler. Ugh, bad image.
Maybe he should've gotten drunk before trying to explain.
"Well, um, when the couple are a man and a woman, the man…er, well…he takes his…and kinda puts it in the woman's…oh FUCK! I can't do this!" he groaned, burying his face in his hands. "This is just so wrong on too many levels!"
Mello raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back, watching Matt's little panic. Suddenly, he froze. Blue eyes flickering over to where his gun rested, still holstered, widening to the size of dinner plates, before swinging back to Matt and flickering straight back to the gun. Blood drained from his face.
"HOLY SHIT!"
Halfway across Wammy's, in the library, everyone else looked up from their respective activities in mild surprise.
"Oh, I guess Matt has finally told Mello," B murmured, turning his eyes back to the copy of Speak he'd pulled off a shelf.
"Good boy," praised Linda as she sketched a bird on a tree branch.
"Hope Mello isn't too traumatized," A muttered. "Matt isn't the most tactful genius around."
Matt looked up from where he's fallen off the bed as Mello pointed a shaky finger at him. "Mello?"
"Y-You… what the fuck?!"
Mello was looking at his gun again, looking vaguely sick. Ah yes, Mello has pieced it together. Good boy, Matt winced; his inner voice sounded scarily like L at the moment. He shuddered before focusing on the hyperventilating blond in front of him. "Breathe, Mello."
"Couples…they…"
Matt looked up as he picked himself up off the floor. His best friend was looking pretty terrified and had put as much distance between himself and his gun as possible. "Mello?"
"Why would anyone want to put a gun in there?!"
Matt yelped as he crashed back down to the floor in shock. Someone hated him up there, didn't they? Surely his karma wasn't that bad for something like this, right? He sighed again, silently cursing fate. "Wrong gun, Mels," he corrected dully, deciding he'd have to be a bit more blunt than he cared to be.
"Huh?"
Matt gestured downwards. "The er…fleshy gun goes there."
Mello's pretty blue eyes widened. "You mean the…"
"Yep."
"Goes in the…"
"Yep."
"And that's…"
"Yep."
Mello blinked, before his face was flooded by a hot blush. "O-Oh," he squeaked, before falling silent.
Matt sighed as he stood back up again, his impassive mask finally able to return to his face with that little embarrassment over and done with. He made a mental note to collect the photos and negatives from Near. God knew he'd earned them. "As much as I hate to ask," he said stoically, "are there any questions?"
"What about two men? Or two women? Can they have sex?"
"Yes, but there's no possibility of children."
"Well, how do they do it?"
"Oh God." Matt moaned.
"Matt, seriously, how does that work?"
"…you did not just ask me that."
Mello looked bewildered. "What?"
"I don't know the mechanics of lesbian sex, Mello," he told the blond quickly.
"So you know how it works between two guys?"
To freaking hell with this, Matt thought viciously, eyeing Mello savagely. One does not put the Game Master Mail Jeevas in this situation. Never. Not even his best friend.
"…I am not explaining," he said blankly.
Mello didn't look like he was going to relent. "Seriously, how would that work?"
"Drop it, Mello."
"No, seriously! Guys don't have…that part…so how does it work?"
"…Why are you so damn naïve?" muttered Matt scornfully, indulging in a childish whine as he frowned at his blond friend.
Mello blinked, head tilting to the side just a little as his eyes took on a puppy-like quality in his confusion.
Matt sighed. "Screw this…let's see who is willing to screw you," he decided and began to usher the older blond through Wammy's to the girls' side. "I'm sure L once told us hands on is the best learning experience…"
"Will it explain everything?"
Too freaking naive. It's a wonder he hasn't been raped yet, Matt thought with a sigh. "Yes, Mels. It will explain everything…"
~oOo~
November 16, 2009
Yeah, that did explain a lot, Mello thought dazedly as he bit his finger unknowingly, having finished his chocolate bar during his little flashback. He shook his hand a bit and then crumpled up the wrapper and tossed it at the already overflowing trash bin in the corner.
But there was still one thing he was curious about, mostly because the girl he had his first time with…
"Hey Matt?"
"Mmhm?"
"I know we agreed to never talk about it again, but…"
"But what, Mello?"
"Just to make sure…sex is predominantly about pleasure and creating babies… and the girl can't get pregnant after the first time…"
Matt hunched figure suddenly went stock-still.
"…right?"
~oOo~
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Seiren: Kyahahahaha~ Isn't naïve!Mello just so CUTE?!
Beyond: You're a nutcase, Seiren.
Seiren: Haha, THIS is coming from YOU. *mumbles* But it's so fun to laugh without choking on phlegm now.
Beyond: *didn't hear the mumble*
Seiren: *sighs*
Matt: *buries face* That was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
Mello: *long gone*
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Misseh's A/N: I have but one thing to say:
OHOHOHOOHOHOHOHO, MELLO JR. IS MINE *evil laughter*
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