Amelia Chapter Twelve
Day: 31 Week: 04 (continued)
"Yeah sure, uh, come in." I said awkwardly, feeding off of Niall's worry. I looked at Louis, who was staring at the ground with such intensity that I got the feeling that he did not want to be there. He had let his hair grow out a bit, so that it was a bit scruffy and messy and a bit unkempt. He had stubble on his face. I remembered times when Louis would tell me he would never grow facial hair, because that would make him look more adult-like and he disliked adults. I guess there comes a time when everyone has to grow up. "Hey, Louis." I said to him a bit anxiously, trying my best to sound pleasant and inviting.
Louis only looked up for the span of two seconds, meeting my eyes quickly and giving me a small smile, then returning to staring at his shoes.
"What's going on guys?" I said, trying to sound like nothing was out of the ordinary. Perhaps if I pretended they were all here just to hang out the tension would go away.
"Why don't we all sit down?" Niall suggested, speaking a bit too quickly. I said nothing. Instead, I simply sat on a chair in front of my sofa, and all five of them occupied the sofa in front of me. The seating arrangement made me feel like I was being critiqued or attacked somehow, as if they were all judges for some event and I was the contestant they had to send home.
"So, Amelia." Rory spoke, his tone authoritative and surprisingly calm. He didn't seem nervous or uncomfortable at all. "Zayn, Liam, Niall, Louis, and I are here because we would like to tell you something. It's not easy to say, and it's going to take a lot of explanation, so please bear with us. Okay?"
I looked at each person on the sofa. My eyes skipped from Zayn, to Liam, to Niall, Louis, and finally landed on Rory. My heart was pounding, and I had a bad, nervous feeling in my stomach. I swallowed hard. What was this all about? I was extremely confused. What does this have to do with?
"Wha-okay." I said, unsure of what to say, what to do, or how to act. "What's this all about guys?"
"This is about Harry. It's nothing for you to freak out about; we just want you to hear us out. Okay?" I nodded. It was about Harry. A billion thoughts ran through my head at once, from something as simple as 'he was going to break up with me' to something as ludicrous as 'he ran away and is never coming back.' Rory turned his head to Niall. "Niall?" He said.
Niall closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Here it came. This was it. This was the moment I would find out what this was all about. My heart pounded madly, and I couldn't breathe properly.
"Amy, we care about you a lot. That's why we couldn't bring ourselves to tell you when we should have. But… but the truth has to come out. Amelia, Harry died in a car accident about a month ago."
Everything was silent. Everything was silent but lips were moving but I couldn't hear. Everything was silent. My eyes were wide. My heart was racing. I thought back to my dream, the one I woke up from with a sense of terror a couple days ago. Or weeks ago. I thought there had been a car accident in my dream. My heart began to hurt. So did my chest. Still I couldn't hear anything. There was a ringing in my ears. The car. I was afraid to drive. The terror of getting in the car. Why? This was why. My hands trembled and suddenly I became afraid, so afraid. Like everyone was out to kill me. Everyone wanted to kill me. What was happening? I screamed. I couldn't hear myself scream and that scared me more. It wasn't true. I saw Harry. I was with Harry. The pain in my chest intensified. My hands trembled, my legs shook. Rory stood up and tried to secure me, grabbing my shoulders and trying to tell me things. I couldn't hear those things. He was trying to kill me, I knew it. I was in danger. I was going to die. I just knew it.
No one seemed to realize the world had gone quiet. I tried to tell them with my silent voice. But they just looked down at their shoes. They didn't see me. They didn't hear me. I was invisible. I was nonexistent. The ringing in my ears became louder. Harry was alive. Harry wasn't dead. It just couldn't be. It couldn't be. It didn't make sense. But it did. It made sense and didn't make sense. How could that be. My chest heaved, and I felt myself pronounce the words "No. No. No." over and over and over again. Rory was trying to get my attention. I did not give it to him. I couldn't control myself. What was I doing. I had no idea. My body had a mind of its own. I felt scared, inside.
"Amelia, love. It's okay. I'm not dead. I'm right here. They're lying." Harry said to my right. He was the only one I heard. He was the only one who saw me, who I paid attention to. My body instantly began to relax. They were wrong. He was here. He was here to prove them wrong. I smiled at Harry. He sat by me, occupying the empty space by my side. "They're lying, love. I'm right here." He said once more. Slowly I began to hear, the ringing in my ears subsided and I heard Rory trying to calm me down. I felt slowly more and more in control of my body.
"Amelia? Amelia, what are you looking at?" Rory asked professionally.
The question struck me as odd, because it was quite obvious as to what I was looking at.
"Harry." I said simply. "He's not dead. He's right here."
Zayn, Liam, Niall and Louis looked up at me and to my right where Harry was. A look of worry spread on all of their faces, and I noticed Louis' face had a twinge of longing to it.
"No one is there, Amelia." Zayn said solemnly. Rory looked at me with intense concern.
"Amelia, Harry is not with us. He is not in this room." Rory told me slowly.
"They're lying." Harry said to me, looking at me intently and pleadingly.
"You're lying." I said, turning to Rory and the rest. They were lying. Harry was right here.
"Amelia, we care about you. We would not lie to you. Harry is not here. Think about it. Why doesn't Harry come see you as often as he used to? Why is he only there with you when you seem to need him the most? Your body has repressed his death, and to cope with it your mind has created a hallucination of Harry, so powerful that it keeps you sane. But you need to stop, now. You need to face the truth, and learn other healthy ways of coping. You cannot live in a lie." Rory explained, sounding very much like a psychologist.
"Don't believe him, Amelia. It's not true. I'm right here, you see me with your own eyes. Don't you believe me?" Harry asked, pleaded even. I looked at him, his green eyes brimming with tears, his soft skin and curly chocolate brown hair.
Before I could say anything, Rory spoke again.
"Amelia, why is it that Harry only talks to you? Why doesn't he talk to us? Why has he only appeared when no one else is with you?" Rory took both of my hands in his, and I noticed Harry scowl. "We know you love Harry. You are so in love with him that you refuse to face this. Instead your mind has built a wall, to repress the memories of his passing away, and created an illusion of him so strong that you now truly believe he is still with us. But he isn't Amelia. Harry wouldn't want this. He would want you to move on, and be happy. He would want to live in your memory, not as a hallucination in your mind. Don't lie to yourself. Let him go. Only keep him in your memory and heart. It's time to let go."
I felt tears spilling down my cheeks. This couldn't be possible. He wasn't dead he was—I looked to my right. Where Harry was supposed to be. He was gone. I looked around the room. Where did he go? Did he leave me? I felt myself panicking once more. My heart sped up, and my palms became sweaty in Rory's hands. Rory's hands moved to my cheeks. His hands felt ice cold.
"Amelia? Amelia. Stay with me Amelia. Focus. Focus on me. Breathe. Breathe…" Rory said. But my world had begun to become silent again, and I could not hear the rest of his words. I could not focus.
My chest hurt, as if there were three tons of pressure on top of it. My hands shook, my legs shook, I felt myself sob and convulse. The world was ending. The stars had gone out. There was no future. No Diana or Jack. Nothing. Just silence and pain. I couldn't control my body. I was shivering and shaking and crying and screaming and screaming but I couldn't hear. Suddenly I knew it was true, all of it.
"Best birthday party ever." Harry said, holding his coat closer to him. It was dark out, and snowing. We had just left his father's house after a nice family dinner and we were headed back home. I was shivering, and so he wrapped an arm around me to keep me warm until we got to the car.
"Should I drive?" I suggested, knowing Harry had drank some wine not a long time ago.
"Sure, if you can stay on the correct side of the road." He teased, as he threw me the car keys. I caught them with one hand, feeling momentarily surprised and smug with myself for my catching skills. Then I got into the driver's seat, and Harry got in beside me. I turned on the engine and the heat all the way up. We had a two hour drive back home, and it was already close to one in the morning. We could have stayed the night, but Harry decided against it because he had to work the next day early in the morning.
I pulled out of the driveway and drove out, and Harry put in our favorite music as we warmed up. It was perfect. Harry and I, alone in the car with miles ahead and nothing to do but to enjoy the road.
"You think your dad liked our gift?" I asked him, focusing on the road. The snow was falling lightly, so it was not a problem but I hadn't much experience driving in it.
"Are you kidding? His face lit up. Who wouldn't want tickets to Australia?"
"Well I don't know if it was a bit much, but I know he was dying to go there… Well I mean he does deserve a break." I said, half thinking aloud to myself. I turned left and took the exit out to the thruway, speeding up. The snow began to fall harder.
"Stop questioning yourself. It was great. He loved it." Harry said. The subject was dropped then, and we occupied ourselves by listening to the music. I took one hand off the steering wheel, feeling comfortable enough to drive with one hand. My free hand found Harry's and he held it, moving his thumb along my skin.
"Drive carefully, love, slow down. It's snowing pretty hard now." Harry warned me, always looking out for me. I checked my speed and realized I was way over, and slowed down. The snow had indeed picked up. I turned on the windshield wipers to clear away the snow accumulating on my window. The song With or Without You by U2 played through the radio speakers, and Harry and I both sung along.
"With or without you… With or without you oh, I can't live, with or without you…"
And suddenly everything went out of control. I hadn't seen it coming. A long sheet of black ice had covered the road, making the car spin out of control. As nervous and inexperienced as I was I attempted to regain control of the car and quickly Harry grabbed the steering wheel, letting go of my hand. At that moment, the car spun and sped toward a ditch at eighty miles an hour, flipping us over and nearly throwing us out of the car if it hadn't been for the seat belts. Everything hurt, everything went black. I didn't have time to think or process what had happened. But I knew whose fault it was, and it was mine.
It all came back to me. I remembered and recalled that event with raw pain. I remembered waking up in the hospital, completely broken physically and mentally. I remembered asking for Harry, and I remembered the painful answers the nurses gave me. And after that I began to deny it. Because if I accepted his death, it was my fault. My vision became spotted and cloudy. I became nervous, uncontrollable. I screamed and once again I couldn't be heard. I saw the boys look away, completely heart broken. I saw Louis get up and leave and Liam follow after him, trying to grab Louis. I couldn't breathe. It was my entire fault. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I couldn't control myself. I was scared, and guilty, and in immense pain.
"I killed him. I killed him. I killed him." I repeated, choking out the words, and crying. My hands were shaking I didn't know what to do with them where to put them I couldn't think couldn't breathe everything was coming down on me.
"No, Amelia, you didn't—"
"Don't blame yourself for this—"
"It wasn't your fault—"
I heard them all say, but I didn't care who said what. They didn't understand I killed Harry Styles, they couldn't comprehend that and in my current state their misunderstandings drove me mad.
"I WAS DRIVING THE CAR I WAS DRIVING I KILLED HIM!" I yelled, feeling new fresh tears coming down my cheeks. The pain I felt was immense, nothing could ever compare. I clutched my chest, my face contorting in pain and sobbing out each and every word, trying to make them understand. If I screamed it they might hear me. "I WAS DRIVING I WAS DRIVING THE CAR I—I WAS DRIVING!" I yelled again. I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't have enough oxygen, enough anything.
I felt arms around me, pulling me closer to a body that I didn't bother to recognize but I knew I didn't want contact. I wanted to be dead. I didn't want anything with anyone or with life. It was over.
"Shhh, shh." Niall's voice whispered, as he held me and stroked my hair in an effort to calm me. I couldn't fight back anymore. I was weak, and everything was going dark.