Disclaimer: No Twilight at all

Disclaimer: No Twilight at all. Or The Fray. Or Guinness Book of World Records

Author's Note: Happy Two Month Anniversary story! I can't believe it's been two months since we committed ourselves to you. How time flies…

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"Bella?" Edward looked her straight in the eyes.

"Edward?" She stared back into his eyes.

"Will you date me?" Edward asked.

Bella scrunched her face. "Well…umm…Edward, I'm sorry, no, I don't want to date you."

"WHAT?" He sounded both wounded and glad. "I save you from a getting crushed by a car! Then I don't let you get raped! Next I save you from James! Then I abandoned you in the woods and let you wither away until you were just a shell!"

"Excuse me." She raised her hand. "How is that a positive?"

"You learned how miserable you are without me. Believe me. It was good for your mental well-being."

"Oh, ok."

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah. I save you from being killed by the Volturi! Then I killed Victoria for you! Do you realize how hard that was considering we were more than mortal enemies?" He shouted.

"Wait, what?" Bella's eyes were wide.

"Yeah, her and I…we were…we'll here. I have a montage of our relationship. All we need is some The Fray in the background and this will be a party." Almost on cue, the song 'How to Save a Life' began to play. "Now, let's watch the montage on this movie screen Jasper conveniently set up four seconds ago."

Edward wrapped his arm around Bella and pressed play starting the montage.

The song was now at it's chorus as the first scene appeared, Victoria walking into the meadow with James and Laurent. Her red hair flowing in the wind, her graceful steps, the blood running from her mouth and- Bella stopped describing the scene, realizing something.

"Victoria was gorgeous!" Bella realized.

"Yes! You see my point! We were more than just mortal enemies. We were gorgeous and us gorgeous people got to stay together."

"Is that why everyone in Forks and its surrounding area are all ridiculously beautiful?" (A/N: Has anyone else noticed when ever Bella describes someone, everyone in Forks seems to be so darn gorgeous? It must be the place with the most beautiful people on the planet!)

"Right. Because you seemed to point out to everyone how incredibly, amazingly stunning everyone in Forks is. I realized that Victoria belongs here. In with the gorgeous people!" Edward skipped to the next scene in the montage.

It was when Edward fought and killed Victoria. Her decapitated head rolled over to Bella.

Bella shivered as she saw the head again. Dang her beauty!

Edward quickly and swiftly left the room and then returned in a blink of an eye.

"Never fear. I kept her head." He held up Victoria's head and as he did in probably the freakiest thing Bella has ever seen. Victoria's head re-grew a body. Why it had taken so long was yet to be determined, but whatever the case Victoria was now standing naked with them in the room.

Emmett ran into the room. "HOLY RAVIOLI! IT'S VICTORIA! SHE'S SO DAZZLING! IT BURNS!" He fell to the ground writhing in pain at her prettiness.

At that moment there was a loud knock at the door. Alice opened to the door to find Jake and some reporter chick.

"Hello, I'm here from the magazine Holy Ravioli! She's so Dazzling!. I'm doing my report on Forks, the most stunning place in the world." The woman smiled.

Alice looked at Jacob. "She said she had candy." He replied to her look.

They both walked in.

"Take me to the beauty!" The reporter commanded. Alice opened the door to the room where Victoria, Edward and Bella were.

"Ahh! Naked vampire!" The reported looked at him. "I mean…Naked woman! Ahh!" Jake fainted.

Victoria's eyes were black and fiery as she stared at the human reporter.

"May I interview you?" The reporter asked Victoria.

"Sure, love." Victoria was now dangerously close to the woman.

"How are you this incredibly good-looking? Is it heredity? Is there something in the water here?"

"I will drink you blood and clean the evidence from my face with your flesh." Victoria stared.

"Huh?" The woman replied.

"I mean." Victoria smiled. "I'm from Texas."

"Oh, of course."

"I shall eat your babies. And devour your heart." Victoria took step forward, before being attacked from behind.

"YOU ARE FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE IN MY HOUSE!" Carlisle yelled as he beat Victoria with the broom and Esme got her with the dustpan. "I CAN'T HAVE COMPETITION!"

Carlisle and Esme now mangled Victoria on the floor after a brutal beating, and once they were done with her, Rosalie walked in.

"MY SHALLOW DAUGHTER! YOU CHALLENGE MY BEAUTY! DIE!" Carlisle and Esme attacked her.

Edward and Bella had at this point given up being in this chapter and enlisted the report to play Go Fish.

"Got any threes?" Edward asked.

"Yes, how did you know?" The reporter asked. "It's like you're a mind reader or something…. a sexy mind-reader, won't that be something?"

"No, it was just a lucky mind-reader guess."

"Oh, ok." The kept up with the game.

Carlisle and Esme were done with Rosalie.

Carlisle glanced around. "We must rid this town of all those who oppose my beauty! Come, Esme!" Carlisle and Esme hopped out the window.

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Five days later, the magazine president of Holy Ravioli! She's so Dazzling stopped by to award the mayor of Forks the award for the most beautiful people in the universe. But upon arriving, he noted the mangled bodies and random corpses everywhere.

And thus, they quickly scratched out 'most beautiful' and wrote 'most used to be beautiful'.

Jasper then appeared from the sky and the heavens parted creating a heavenly spectacle.

"OH MY! He's so dazzling!" The president fainted. And then was attacked by a rabid bunny, chewed on by a raccoon, found Noah's ark and then was bitten by Victoria. Who is now just running around Forks.

On the bright side though, someone called the Guinness Book of World Records and Forks won for the most mangled bodies in one parking lot!

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Author's Note: I have no idea what that just was…I don't like it.

Anyway, THANK YOU guys for all of your reviews and stuff! Hugs!