Chapter 4

Love is something I've never known, never seen in someone's eyes, never felt through a passionate kiss or a kind action. But it is something I've dreamed about constantly. I missed my notebook. I missed being able to write whenever I wanted to, or felt the need to escape this world, or share a romantic moment with a fictional character. But I had lost that right when I left my notebook lying around in the forest and a certain werewolf had picked it up and taken it home with him, deciding to read it. I wonder how he thought they were, or if I sounded too desperate or clueless about love.

Because, honestly, I was.

I shook my head of the depressing thoughts and continued to wash my hair free of that milk Destiny decided to pour on me for no reason. After I stepped out of the shower, I pulled on some of the only skinny jeans I owned (Destiny had given them to me because she didn't want to throw them away or donate them because she thought she could fit into them again one day), and a bright blue one-shoulder shirt that my father stole from Destiny's closet and made me wear. I slipped on some flats and brushed my hair so it was stick-straight. I still had no idea where we were going, and Father wouldn't tell me.

I was getting scared, honestly.

I was scared he was taking me somewhere to join up with his friends to beat the crap out of me. But, then why would he want me dressed up? This was getting really weird. I had absolutely no idea where he wanted to take me with that big, frightening grin on his face.

"Come on, Danny! Get your a** out of the bathroom and let's go! I'm supposed to have you there by five!" he yelled, his fist slamming into the door. I yanked the last knot out of my hair and opened the door. He grabbed me by the arm and began dragging me out the door. I protested, pushing at his hands and dug my feet in the ground. He stopped, pulling me close to him and growled, "Stop struggling. You know as well as I do that you aren't gonna win. So I suggest you stop struggling, b****."

I flinched at his words and bit the inside of my cheek. Tears filled my eyes but I willed them not to fall. "Get in the car," he said, letting me go and pushing me towards the front door. I stared at the ground as I pushed it open and slowly went down the steps. Without warning, his hand connected with my back, catching me off balance and sending me down the stairs. I put my hands out in front of me to break my fall. I groaned as I landed on the sidewalk just in front of our house. My hands and knees burned, and my father nudged me with his foot, chuckling. "Get up, let's go."

Hesitantly, I stood, wiped my hands on my jeans, and continued after him reluctantly. "C'mon! Hurry up!" he growled, sitting in the driver's seat with the car running. I sighed. I vaguely wondered if men had their time of the month too, because he sure was moody today. Maybe he was just bi-polar…

Grudgingly, I climbed into his truck and buckled myself in, only to find him burning out of the driveway while my door was still open. Quickly, I reached over and shut it before we actually got on the road.

My hands were trembling. I folded them in my lap and concentrated on getting them to calm down than where my father was taking me. I studied my nails, picking at the dirt that wasn't really there. I closed my eyes and imagined someone folding their own hands on mine, bringing them up to his lips and placing a soft kiss. I shook my head; it was stupid, these dreams I had going on in my mind. That I could actually have someone that was mine—someone to love. It was impossible for me; unheard of. It was crazy, thinking that someone might actually love me. Tears filled my eyes and I bit my tongue to keep from crying. I had learned a long time ago that crying did nothing but let loose stupid feelings that wasn't going to change anything. I had also learned that screaming didn't help either; it only urged people on, to keep hurting me. I didn't scream anymore when my family hit me, I only let them and then cried silently in my room without them knowing. Sometimes it would be really bad though, and I couldn't help but let loose one or two tears, like when Destiny had humiliated me in front of the whole school.

Love was something out of reach for me, something I tried not to dream about too much, because even that would break my heart. A line from a song suddenly played in my head: "Keep on dreamin' even if it breaks your heart." I couldn't remember what song it was, or when I had heard it, but I knew it wasn't true. I don't think any guy could break my heart like my family has. It's something else when a boyfriend tells you that he doesn't love you anymore, but it's another when you know your family have never loved you.

I have never even heard those words. I love you. I've never said them, never heard them either. Most children know by the time their young that their parents loved them. I don't even know how I got through infancy. I must really be stubborn, to want to live this long. I don't even know why I'm still alive.

Why am I still alive? If life is so hard for me, then why am I still living? I could've killed myself long ago, or let my father kill me himself.

You don't want to end up like Sasha. I shook my head. Sasha had been a girl a couple years older than me. She should've been in college by now. But she died taking the abuse from her father rather than put it on her younger sister, Michelle. Michelle had been my age, and had actually been a friend of mine before she ran away. Her father had been abusing her too, but she would have never told anyone. But I knew from my own experience. I guess that's why we had gotten along so well together, but she had left me when I stopped talking. We hadn't talked since the summer after our freshman year, but I hadn't even seen her since the beginning of this year. She had run away, and no one knows why. She just didn't come home one day. No one knows if she's dead or alive, not that anyone really cares. Well, I do, but no one else in our school does. I could almost see her long, soft blond hair and her sparkling blue eyes despite that abuse she went through constantly. I sometimes wished I could be like her, with that fire burning in her eyes whenever she talked about her brother. But I was broken, damaged, and I could never live up to the life I could've had. I missed her honestly. I missed having friends I could talk to and confide in. I almost had that again, but I couldn't even be seen in the same room with Josh and not get Destiny jealous.

I had to avoid Josh. I couldn't be seen with him when Jake and Destiny were in the same room. I'd end up getting killed if Josh didn't leave me alone—literally. That was, if I didn't get killed now. I opened my eyes as the sounds of rocks hitting steel echoed through the truck. He put the truck in four wheel drive, leaned back in his seat, and grinned as we drove down a dirt road. We pulled up to an old trailer with a broken down car on the side. A lawn mower sat idle in the lawn, obviously stopped in the middle of cutting grass, because it sat in-between freshly cut grass and untrimmed grass. Trees surrounded the trailer on all sides, so it was settled deep into the forest. It was perched atop concrete blocks and had a small garage behind it filled with broken TVs, cars, and various parts. The blood drained from my face as we stopped in the gravel driveway. Dead bushes and flowers littered immediately outside of the pathetic trailer, uncared for at least a couple years. I frowned and glanced at my father, but he had that glint in his eyes that said he was going to get something he wanted. I gulped as he cut off the engine and stepped out.

"Let's go," he said, slamming the door shut. Unwillingly, I followed him to the door, looking around, studying the dull green grass, and squinting to see inside the woods. Nothing.

"Finally, you're here." A deep, smoker's voice said. My heart dropped as I caught sight of a man with a slight beer belly standing in the front door of the trailer. He was eyeing me lustfully with dark green eyes. He had dirty golden blond hair that curled to his ears in a mess and continued down his chin in a beard. He wore an old gray tee shirt and blue jeans, but I had a feeling that he wasn't going to keep them on for very long. It suddenly sank into me. My father had sold me—sold my virginity to be more specific. I turned and ran, but my father caught me around the waist and pulled me to his chest.

"I'm sorry we're late. She spent a while in the shower." He said, dragging me to the bottom of the steps. I struggled against him. How could he do this? I thought this was the one line he wouldn't cross! I thought this was the one thing in my life that I was able to control! He couldn't do this! He suddenly took my chin in his hands, my eyes sparkling with tears, I knew. "Behave, do you understand? This money is important, and the better you are for him, the more I get. So be a good little w****, alright?" he smirked, and then shoved me up the steps. I stumbled and fell to the ground, looking back at him in disbelief. He was my father. He made me. How could he do this to me, watch his own flesh and blood be taken by another man willingly? But I was already being dragged up the steps by the armpits; the other man was pulling me to my feet. But I kept eye contact with my father, gapping at him.

He barely glanced at me. "I'll give you until tonight, and then I'll come back for her. I'm gonna go have a drink or two, if you know what I mean." He winked and turned around, strolling back to his truck without another glance back. I was tempted to scream after him, but I knew it would do no good.

I could feel the man's breath on the back of my neck as he pulled me into the muggy trailer. It was dark inside, barely lite by a poor light. He dragged me into a living room with a dingy, small couch and a crappy TV. The kitchen was connected to it at the back and a hallway lead on to the right. He hauled me through the hallway as I would not cooperate. Suddenly, he shoved me against a wall. Pictures clattered on the wall that he had pushed me up against.

I stared blankly at him. "We can do this the easy way, together, or we can do this the hard way. I'll do it either way. I'm paying by the hour, so it doesn't bother me. As long as I get what I want." His eyes were burning and glinting at the same time. I kept staring at him and went limp, refusing to make this easy on him. He groaned irritably, but slipped his arm around my waist and continued down the hallway. Suddenly, I brought my elbow into his side as we entered a room—his bedroom, I guess. He grunted, bending over. I screamed; thrashing and throwing my fists everywhere. I knocked him in the jaw accidently, if you could call it that. Before I knew it, I was pinned under him to the floor.

He smirked, but his chin was red. "Where do you want to do this? We can do it here, or we can do it on the bed." I scowled at him and brought my knee up in-between his legs. His face twisted in pain and he gripped my upper arms tightly. I picked me up by my arms and threw me onto the bed. He straddled my waist and my pulse strengthened. My dream flashed through my mind. But this wasn't a dream, this was real. He took my wrists in his hand and brought them above my head, where he tied them to the headboard with a cloth. I screamed again as loud as I could, but he only chuckled.

"In case you haven't noticed, sweetheart, we're in the middle of nowhere." He said. "Scream all you want, little b****, cause no one's going to hear you. Besides, it's sexy." he said, pulling my shirt up. I did. I screamed. I screamed as loud and as long as I could, wiggling underneath him, but it did no good.

I had given up about ten minutes in, when he took his clothes off. I had closed my eyes and let stupid thoughts scatter my brain as he took my virginity. Tears had rolled down my cheeks silently, and they still were. He had left a few minutes ago to take a shower. It was dark; my father should've been arriving soon. I was curled up in a corner of the room behind the bed, crying my eyes out. My body ached, mostly my legs. My lips were swollen from him forcing himself on me, and bruises covered my chest, stomach, and legs. I had some from straining against the cloths and around my neck from when he had pushed me up against the wall. I trembled from the memory and brought my legs up closer to my chest and buried my head in my knees. I rocked back and forth slowly to try and comfort myself, but it didn't help.

That's when those brilliant blue eyes popped in my head. I could feel myself relax as I thought about J, about who he might be. I thought about Josh, about what it would be like if Destiny or Jake wasn't here. Maybe then I could actually have a real relationship.

"Well, where is the little s***?" I heard my father's voice boom across the room. I flinched, sniffled, and confined deeper into my corner.

"I think she's behind the bed." The other man's voice answered. I could hear my father's footsteps coming closer until a hand grabbed my arm. I cried out in protest as he pulled me up, sending a shock of pain through my whole body. His dark eyes were dull and cloudy; he was drunk. Great. "Let's go. Where's my money?" he said, his words slurred as he stumbled towards the guy, pulling me along.

Pity and regret troubled the man's eyes as he glanced from me to my father. My dad held out his hand, opening and closing his fists. "Well?" A roll of bills was placed in his hands and he dragged me away from the other man. He pulled me along, both of us tripping over our own feet. I was surprised that we didn't fall, especially as we went down the stairs. He stumbled over to the truck and shoved me in the back, which I was grateful for. With him driving while drunk, I didn't want to be in the front if we crash, so I curled up in the back seat after securing myself in more than one seatbelt and continued balling silently. The truck shook as he got in, and the engine rumbled to life. The interior smelled of alcohol and a cheap perfume, and was blasting with music so fast that I couldn't understand the lyrics.

Giggles sounded from the front seat, and I opened my eyes to see a woman almost ten years younger than my father holding his arm and trailing her finger along his skin. I glared at them and gaged; my mom was out of town visiting her parents, so he goes and gets another, younger girl? Disgusting. But I had to admit she was pretty. She was obviously dressed up to go to a club, and she was drunk, no doubt. She wore a tiny purpled sleeveless dress that hung at her chest and stopped mid-thigh. Black stiletto heels decorated her feet, and her toes were painted the same purple. I was surprised he even remembered me. Either way, I didn't trust him the slightest anymore. I wanted out. I wanted out of this town and out of this house as soon as possible. The moment I turn 18, I'm out of here forever, and I'm never coming back. I buried my face into the back of the seat of the police cruiser, and cried myself to sleep.

My back ached when I woke up in the middle of the night, still buckled in the car, the driver and his passenger long gone. Slowly, as to not irritate my muscles, I unbuckled myself and sat up. The stars were bright in the sky as I stared up through the window. I slid over and opened the door, crawling out into the night. I staggered over to the door, luckily finding it unlocked.

That was about the only thing that went right today.

Silently, I entered the house, surprisingly finding it completely quiet except for the snoring of my father. I didn't dare check in his room for fear of what I might find, so I made my way up the stairs and into my room. Tears still stained my cheeks as I sneaked in and climbed into bed. Once again, I curled myself up under the blankets and cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning, the soft pitter-patter of rain on my window woke me up and had me cowering under the covers as soon as I stirred. Often, the beating of pouring rain scared me into thinking my father was coming for me, but after I realized it was just the rain I was okay.

Yes, I was scared of rain, but you would be too if you were me.

Glancing at my clock, I found out the rain had woken me up a few minutes early, just enough time for me to take a shower, which I needed badly. So, I climbed out of bed and went to search my closet for something decent to wear. Finally, I picked out an old softball tee shirt I had bought during rec ball and a pair of washed out jeans. When I went into the bathroom, I realized I had slept in skinny jeans that I had put back on last night. I took them off only to find seams impressed into my skin. Sighing, I rubbed my eyes and turned the water on full heat. I double checked to see the door was locked, just in case, and stepped into the shower, letting the steaming water run down my hair.

I knew my father still expected me to cook breakfast for the family, but I refused to go to school. I hurt so badly that I could hardly stand up in the shower. Besides, he wouldn't care. School was a 'privilege' for me, but it was probably the only reason I was still alive. Yawning, I stepped out of the shower to brush my teeth and hair, but I decided to put it up in a sloppy bun atop my head. I didn't bother with mascara since I wasn't going to school and headed downstairs to start breakfast.

No one was awake, for which I was thankful, but I took out a pan. I cracked an egg into it just as Destiny sauntered in groggily. She rubbed her eyes, yawned, and sat in her usual seat. "Where's my eggs?!" she snapped. I flinched and turned the burner up, trying to speed up the cooking process. She shook her head and yawned again. "So how was your night, Danny?" she snickered.

I winced, froze, and closed my eyes. Shrugging her off, I continued to cook the eggs through. By the time they were finished, the girl my father had brought home and my father had come to sit at the table. Destiny and the girl were having a conversation despite the awkward situation. As I approached with the plates in hand, they stopped talking and stared at me. I set the plates in front of them and retreated back to the sink to wash the dishes.

"What happened last night?" the girl asked, holding her head and slightly swaying back and forth in her seat. "I was so wasted," she laughed, leaned back in her seat, still holding her head.

"Get her some pain killers." My father said, nodding to the medicine cabinet. I nodded and scurried over to it, pouring the pills in my hand and fixing her a glass of water.

I hurried over to the table and dropped the pills in her hand while setting the glass of water in front of her plate. I turned around to go back when I heard behind me, "Thank you." Astounded, I swept around to stare at her.

"There's no need to thank that s***." My father said, waving a hand in the air. "She's not going to answer anyways. B****," he said, rolling his eyes.

I sighed, closed my eyes, and spun back around to finish. I pushed my bangs behind my ear and tried to hold in the tears. When I couldn't, I set the pan down and fled back up the stairs into my room. I withdrew under my covers and squeezed my eyes shut.

Why me? What did I ever do to them? Why didn't they just put me up for adoption if they didn't want me? There was no reason for this, to treat me this way. I curled up as tight as I could with a stuffed animal I'd gotten for a birthday present by another family. With the cover over my head, my arm suffocating a worn stuffed beagle, and the soft, comforting rhythm of the rain, and faint tears rolling down my face, I fell asleep.

The house was deadly quiet when I woke up freezing cold. I pulled the covers tighter around me and tried falling back asleep, but my mind wouldn't permit. My empty stomach rumbled at me, so I slowly crawled out of bed and slipped on a sweatshirt. As it roared at me again, I came down the stairs, hugging myself even with the sweatshirt over me. I searched in the closet for a packet of oatmeal and hurriedly made it. I gasped as I caught a glance outside; it was snowing. Holding the steaming bowl of oats to my chest, I approached the screen door and warily opened it. I was greeted with a blast of icy air. I shivered, but I stepped out, making sure that the door was unlocked after I retrieved a spare notebook and a pencil. J… I thought, shaking my head, wishing I had my other notebook. I continued farther into the woods. I couldn't help but scan the restrictions of the woods for those startling blue eyes. I shook my head; it didn't matter if he was here or not. I didn't even know who he was. I collapsed on a random spot on the ground and contently ate my oatmeal in peace.

I've lived this way every day of my life. I don't understand why now has to be so different. Was it because of Josh? That I was finally—maybe—falling for a guy? And just maybe he likes me back? Was that too much for Destiny to handle? That I could get a guy too, no matter how much she put me down. Was it because I was getting older? I've never really stood up to him, told him to stop or I'd call the police—he is the police. I was almost eighteen. Maybe this was how he said he was going to miss me when I finally get out of this rat hole.

Ha, yea right. I crack myself up sometimes.

As soon as I turn eighteen, I'm out. And I'm never coming back.

I didn't know what I was going to do for the dance. Mid-Winter's Formal. Ouch. No doubt Josh would want me to go with him. There was no way Destiny was going to let me go with him, but I didn't have a dress to go in. That wouldn't stop Iya anyways. She was determined for me to go. I don't know why, and honestly, I don't care, but she was so stubborn and sweet at the same time. She was probably trying to hook me and Josh together. With the way Destiny was acting, that would never happen. I wish she would just leave me alone, let me live my life without any disturbances from my so called family. I didn't even know why she was doing this to me. Yea, I guess the whole new kid thing would be the first guess, but no guy's ever turned her down—especially for me.

It was weird, having a guy like me. Well, maybe. He might just be playing with me. Sadly, guys have done this to me, but not two at the same time. Jake was definitely toying with me. All he wants is a girl to get into bed with him—willingly, at least. He wouldn't really care if it was me or Destiny, as long as he got what he wanted, and I'm guessing he'd get it no matter what.

I shivered and pulled the sweatshirt tighter around my body. I glanced up at the sun, seeing that it was late in the day—around eleven or so; had I really slept that long? I sighed. I guess I deserved it, considering what happened last night. I shivered again, swallowed a sob, and pulled out my notebook again.

I didn't realize the sun moving slowly across the sky, but I did notice as my stomach emptied again and my skin chilled. "Danny! Are you out there?" I heard from behind. I whipped around to find my mom standing in the doorway, beckoning to me. "C'mon, baby, it's cold out here." I stared at her for a second before standing and following her inside. What the heck? Baby? Since when did she act like I was actually her daughter? She held the door for me; again, weird.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, and I noticed that her eyes were red. When did she get home? I stared at her again, standing in the middle of the kitchen, gapping at her, and nodded. She wiped her eyes when she thought I wasn't looking as she brushed past me. "What do you want, honey? A sandwich; would that be okay, sweetie?"

Okay, now she was starting to sound like Josh. She got out the bread and necessities for my lunch, something she hasn't done since I was too little to do it myself. She slammed her hands on the counter as she spread mayonnaise on the bread. She gazed at me with shattered eyes. "Danny, I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to answer honestly, alright?"

I nodded, bringing my eyebrows together and gazing at her.

"Did he bring home another girl last night while I was gone?" she asked, sniffling. I nodded again, looking away for the first time. "He was drunk?" Again, I nodded. She sighed and continued with my sandwich. She was crying when she finished and handed it to me. I stared at her, nodded in thanks and took it into the living room to eat it. Just as I walked in, the front door closed. I stared at it for a second before sitting on the couch and biting into my sandwich.

When I finished, I watched as my mother went to her room, crying. I shook my head, put my dish in the sink, and went back outside to the same spot with my notebook.

Which was not a good idea.

"Danny!" he said, pulling away and smirking at me.

"B****," Destiny growled, gripping Jake by the waist. I stopped and stared at them. He was bare-chested with his pants un-buttoned, and she was just in her bra and jeans. Keeping his eye on me, he leaned in and whispered to Destiny, who giggled and nodded. Jake smiled and pulled away, turning towards me. I spun and tried running away, but he caught me by the wrist, pulling, and I slammed into the ground. Before I knew it, he was straddling my waist, holding my wrists in each of his hands. I was too startled and scared to scream. I just struggled underneath him, tears forming in my eyes. My breathing spiked to where I felt like I couldn't catch it and I kicked, and tried to scream.

"Feisty, isn't she?" Jake said, laughing and bringing my wrists above my head. "Take her shirt off, D." he told Destiny, using her nickname he gave her. Just as she bent down next to me, a deep growl stopped her.

"What was that?" she asked, freezing.

Jake shrugged. "Who cares? C'mon, Destiny!" he said, nodding to me.

But I had already relaxed a little. I knew that growl. Where was—Destiny screamed, interrupting my thoughts. Never mind. Jake jumped up and ran ahead of Destiny towards the house. J finally came into sight, trailing after him, growling with the hair on his spine sticking up.

I sat up, letting the tears fall as I wrapped my arms around my knees. I glanced up to find the big black wolf standing in front of me. He whined, pushing his nose under my hands, knocking at the wall I usually had around my mind. He slipped under my arms. Danny, are you alright? What happened? He asked, his voice hiding a growl. I relaxed, tangling my fingers in his fur.

W-why are you h-here? I asked, wiping at my eyes. I rubbed his ears, but he didn't seem to notice.

He flashed his teeth. You're avoiding my question.

W-what do you think? I snapped. Don't you f-flash your teeth at me, p-pup.

He recoiled, but his ears sank to his head. What happened here, Danny? Why the h*** was Jake trying to rape you? I swear when I get my hands on him…he growled, stood, walked in a circle, and sat back down in front of me.

I looked down, staring at the ground. I-I don't know. I c-came out here to w-write and I guess I-I interrupted them. W-what are you d-doing here, for the t-third time?

I was coming to check up on ya. You didn't come ta school. His ears flickered.

I-I'm fine…if you can believe that. I'm so tired…and I d-don't know why.

That's odd. You've probably been sleeping all day too, haven't ya?

Y-yea, but I'm still tired. Maybe that's because of the adrenaline or something.

He studied me with cautious eyes. Yea, maybe. He said, eyeing me. Have you been out here all day?

Basically, yea. I've been writing in this old notebook since someone stole my notebook.

He snorted, shaking his head. Are you an idiot? It's freezing! You're gonna get sick! He growled and flickered his ears again.

I crossed my arms over my chest and stood up. Why do you care so much? It's none of your business anyways! So what if I get sick?

I'm just looking out for you, Danny, and I'm not gonna apologize for being the first guy to care for you. He flashed his teeth and stood up with me, his tail swishing back and forth slightly.

I'm not yours, J! I'm not anyone's! You don't need to look out for me. I can take care of myself! To be honest, I kind of liked that fact that he was worried about me. It was weird, but I like it. I never had someone to fret over me and actually care for me. But I wasn't one to give up a fight when I actually had a chance to win.

Usually I didn't.

He scoffed, throwing his head back and shaking his ruff. Are you kidding me? If it wasn't for me, you'd be under the mercy of Jake right this minute. You should be thanking me instead of arguing with me.

You're so arrogant! I yelled, spinning around and stomping back towards the house, making sure to scoop up my notebook this time.

Get used to it, he growled. I'm an alpha. It'd be weird if I wasn't cocky! I got a temperament too. You sure you want to see that?

I hardly glanced at him behind me. I won't.

Suddenly, the wolf stood in front of me, growling. You've already signed up, and you're just gonna walk away—his lips dropped and his eyes calmed, Whoa, Danny, don't cry. I'm sorry. Please, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I closed my eyes, but somehow the tears squeezed through. Suddenly, I felt something cold nose my hand. I'm sorry. He whispered, whining against my hand. I wiped my eyes again, wondering how I could cry so much in 24 hours and collapsed on the ground.

J, I just don't know what to do. Everything's going wrong today. Nothing's going right.

And I didn't help, did I? I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do, I will, alright?

There's nothing you can do, unless you take me away from here.

He lowered his head. I can't do that. I would love to, really, you have no idea, but I have a pack to take care of.

Of course, I thought, looking away and wiping my eyes. I also thought about asking him to tell me who he really was, but I knew that would just make him madder. Whatever. I dealt with it before I knew you, I can do it now.

I really wish I could take you in my arms and kiss you, but I can't.

I've never kissed anyone before. I blurted.

His eyes widened. What? You? Somehow I doubt that.

Obviously you don't know me then. I've never even had a guy hold my hand.

Oh, don't tell me that. He whined, walking around in a circle before coming up to me again.

Why not?

Because now I want to kiss you even more.

I gulped. Then do it.