Nope, No Twilight-Darn it, I forgot the word, Disclaimer

Nope, No Twilight-Darn it, I forgot the word, Disclaimer. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Lance Bass. Or N'Sync. Or Power Rangers. Or Tony the Tiger. Or James Bond. Or House MD.

Author's Note: So, I'm almost completely sure I wrote that entire last chapter in my sleep. Because while reading some of the reviews I was so confused by the Aro thing. I had to re-read the chapter and I was like "What the heck was I doing last night?". Honestly, I had no idea I'd even written that.

Again, there are some Breaking Dawn spoilers present in this chapter. It's a kind of minor detail that I've already brought up once, but here is a chapter dedicated to it.

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Hanging out at the Cullen home was all Jake did ever since Renesmee was born. He was so attached to her.

"Jake, must you hover?" Bella asked, as Jake moved in so close that his entire head was blocking Nessie's from Bella's vision.

"I'm not hovering." He leaned closer.

"Another question."

"Yeah." He replied without letting his eyes leave Renesmee.

"If you're a totally un-cool shape shifter, because Edward and Aro totally blew your stupidity cover, can you like change into other things. Like useful things? Because the whole not housebroken wolf thing is really annoy."

"Like what?"

Bella bit her lip. "Well, Esme bought this new lamp and we need a lampshade, so could you change into a lampshade?"

"Ok, I'll try." He stood in the middle of the room and tried to concentrate. He began to take form, but not as a wolf. He changed into a…

"Oh my god! Ahh!" Bella screamed. He had turned into Lance Bass from N'Sync. "I love you!" She tossed Renesmee off to the side. Even if she was the smartest thing in the world, she'd never understand a girl's love for a boy band.

Bella threw herself at Jake/Lance, who shifted shape again.

"Ahhh!" Bella shouted again, this time in fear. Jake had become Kimberly Hart, aka the original Pink Power Ranger.

"I like boys." Jake's voice was high pitched, like a girl and he started to dance around the room. "OMG, is he looking at me." His face went serious. "Power Rangers, power up!" He started doing some weird hand motion, but luckily he changed again.

He was now on all fours, and then all of a sudden he stood up. "Frosted Flakes, are grrrrrr-eat!" He held up a bowl of cereal and began to eat.

"OH. MY. GOD." Emmett was walking down the stairs. "Tony the Tiger is in our living room. MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!" He ran to Jake, who transformed again. "Oh, poo."

"No, not poo." Jake spun around, revealing himself to Bella and Emmett. "It's Bond. James Bond." He slipped on his sunglasses and cocked his gun.

"Did I just here that James was in our living room?" Edward pounced on Jake, knocking him to the ground. "This will teach you to nibble on my wife!" Edward began to jump up and down repeatedly on Jake's back.

Edward moved to break Jake's neck, but before he could Jake turned into a banjo.

"JAMES IS A BANJO!" Emmett shouted.

"Banjo!" Jasper hopped over the banister. "Hot dog! Banjo is my new favorite obsession!" He picked up Jake and started playing him. Playing him like a banjo.

"Jasper, stop playing Jake!" Bella grabbed Jake from Jasper. "Jake, I'm sorry he played you like I did." She whispered to the banjo.

There was a pause.

"I guess he can't change anymore." Edward took Jake from Bella. "At least he's useful now. We can play bluegrass." Bella smiled.

But as soon as they had booked a back band for Jasper who was going to be playing Jake some more, Jacob transformed again.

This time into fern; this excited Esme. She loved ferns and now she could plant him in the garden outside and he'd be so pretty. And she'd love him. And he'd be pretty. And green. And pretty…

Jake changed again.

Jacob took the cane he now was holding and hit Jasper for playing him while he was a banjo. "The diagnosis is simple they came in with a case of the chills and it's obliviously apparent that they have a severe case of syphilis. How you all missed to check for that is beyond me. But then again, I am leaving it with you."

He turned to walk away, as he turned he popped a pill into his mouth, leaning on his cane to keep of his bad leg.

"Umm…" Bella interrupted his turn. "Who are you?"

"Well aren't we a little slow. House." He held out his hand to shake, as they shook Jacob changed.

"Please be a lampshade. Please be a lampshade." Bella crossed her fingers. She was getting increasingly tired of Jake's random changes. She was praying he'd become the lampshade Esme needed.

And as if a genie had granted her wish, he changed into a lampshade.

"AHHH!" Bella's voice was a shrill screech. He had turned into a hideous nineteen seventies lampshade. It was tacky and terrible. How? How come Jacob finally became something worth being and he was a tacky lampshade? Why was the world so cruel?

"We must burn it!" Emmett grabbed Jake.

"NO!" Bella grabbed Emmett's arm. "That's Jake." She pointed to the eye sore that was her best friend and now best unsightly lampshade friend.

"Oh right." He looked bummed. "Well, what do you want to do with it? It's so ugly!"

Edward and Jasper glanced at each other. "Could work." Edward agreed with Jasper's silent comment. "Jasper says we should go to Norway."

"Edward, what does that have to with anything?" Bella asked.

"Nothing. We just want to go to Norway." Edward shrugged.

"Oh right. What do we do with-" She was cut off by Alice.

"Is that what a think it is?" Alice danced her way over to them. "Is that a horrifyingly revolting shape shifting lampshade?"

They all nodded.

"Perfect." Alice smiled as she grabbed Jake. "I'm going to change the world!"

"How?" Edward questioned.

"Even though I can't see the future of the wolf pack, I always knew one would change into a lampshade so unattractive that it would have to be burned. But I would save the lampshade and sell it to the circus. When said wolf will become both a veristile prop and also a handy lampshade."

"Ummm…Alice, you knew this was going to happen?" Bella asked.

"Of course. All shape shifters go through their lampshade phase. I'm just glad I didn't miss Jacob's." She smiled at the lampshade. "And soon, all the shape shifters shall be sold into the circus and I shall take over the world. Will you all evil with me?"

They nodded.

"MUH HA HA HA!" They laughed in unison.

Alice then sold Jake to the circus and made three bucks, but the fact that she'd sold him into the circus was pay enough.

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Two weeks later, Jacob finally changed back. He gazed around at his circus family.

"Aww…dang. Not again."

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Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this isn't how their shape shifting works, but it would be fun if it did. Lol!