Disclaimer: 72 chapters and I still don't own Twilight
Disclaimer: 72 chapters and I still don't own Twilight. Or P, B, & J Otter. Or The Disney Channel. Or Demi Lovato. Or the Jonas Brothers. Or Hannah Montana Or As the Bell Rings. Or Beowulf! XD Or Tic Tacs.
Author's Note: Hmm…how are you? I'm going to work on my grammar….yippee skippy! And yeah, I know that they didn't know about the whole shape shifting thing when Bella was human, but they were shape shifters back then still, so yeah…
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Bella loathed the eye doctor. She didn't like the lights. She didn't enjoy that chart that had random letters on it that didn't make any sense at all. She didn't like being asked if she preferred lens A or B. It was just a unnecessary hassle.
It just so happened that on the same day that Emmett had decided to provoke the Volturi, by asking Marcus if he'd wanted to 'pwn some noobs.' This caused them to send an invitation-
No, it wasn't an invitation.
It was a demand for the Cullen family including the still human Bella, and randomly they asked for Emmett to bring his favorite shape-shifting lampshade. So he ran over to La Push and picked up Sam, because Jacob was currently stuck in the form of a lawn gnome.
And on this day, Bella had an eye doctor appointment. She went reluctantly and they did their thing. Towards the end they had to dilate her eyes, so they could finish the appointment.
She groaned and allowed them to proceed. Forgetting entirely that she was flying to Italy in about five minutes time.
They finished quickly and handed Bella a pair of sunglasses before leaving, in case the lights began to hurt her eyes. She knew her vision wasn't going to be the best until the drops wore off; she was preparing herself.
It was then she remembered Emmett's stupidity and the fact that they were going to be kille- I mean- going to chitchat with the Volturi.
She wished Jacob hadn't gotten himself frozen in lawn gnome form. He'd changed two weeks ago, after coming back from the circus. He had made friends with the bearded lady and she paid to adopt him as he son.
Billy caught word of this. It wasn't until then that he noticed that Jake had missing. And so he called up the bearded lady, who he had on speed dial from the time they had met when he bailed Sam out of the circus. He paid her to adopt his son back and finally Jacob came home with a new appreciation for people with beards.
He told Bella that he's planning on growing one. He got three whiskers in week's time. He said they're going to bring friends and he'd have a beard!
When Emmett found out about the Jacob's beard, he was jealous. Jealous enough that he forcefully shaved Jacob. Making him have to start from scratch. Jake wasn't happy.
Jake, still angered over the beard thing, called Disney Channel and told them to cancel P, B, & J Otter, Emmett's favorite show. Also adding that they should only play Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, and that strange As the Bell Rings Music music video. Soon enough, Jacob's request was in effect.
Emmett retaliated by telling Jacob he looked like a lawn gnome. That was what gave Jacob the bright idea that lawn gnomes had solid beards that can't be shaved off. As a result, Jake changed himself into a lawn gnome.
Billy has been trying to get him to change back, but from what the pack says he's apparently happy as a lawn gnome.
Anyway, Bella was wishing Jake could come instead of Sam. Not that she didn't like Sam. He was just…well, paranoid over everything. Emily truly had her hands full. I mean she was carrying three trays of muffins and all. That's a lot of muffins to carry around.
Bella strolled her way into the Cullen home, tripping on the carpet, and then knocking over the side table in foyer. Stumbling around, she put out her hands to catch herself. The sunglasses and they fact her eyes were dilated was making her temporarily blind.
"Time to go!" Emmett grabbed on to her and ran out the door to the fighter jet they had in the front yard.
"Emmett?" Bella called, staring at the sky. "Emmett? Where are you?" She wobbled around, feeling for someone or something. She found Sam.
"WHO'S TOUCHING ME?" Sam yelled, spinning around to see Bella. "You're out to get me, aren't you? You just act all helpless. And then you strike. I see, that's what happened to Jacob. He fell for your quote unquote innocence." He made floating quotation marks with his fingers. "Oh, but I'm much smarter than him. I'm not going to become a lawn gnome. YOU WON'T CHANGE ME!"
"Sam." Emily, who came to give the Cullen some muffins to give to the Volturi as a gift, latched onto his arm. "Calm down….Bella is Bella."
"Like Beowulf is Beowulf." Sam sighed. "Fine, maybe she's not out to get me, but he is." Sam pointed to Jasper holding a sign that read, 'I'm out to get Sam.'.
"I have idea what you're talking about." Jasper threw the sign. "Let's go." He hopped in the fighter jet with the rest of his family and the blinded Bella. Sam followed in suit. Leaving Emily with all the muffins.
"Oh shoot." Emily glanced at the muffins. "They forgot the muffins…what should I do with them? Hmm…" She pondered. "I know!" She ran off to retrieve Leah, Embry and the lawn gnome, known as Jacob; they were going to have a muffin party.
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The Cullens, Bella and Sam arrived in Italy in record time.
As soon as they landed, Sam was already too paranoid to leave the jet. "Those birds." He pointed. "They want me. And that ground." He pointed. "It doesn't look stable."
Alice bit her lip. "Umm…Sam?" He looked at her. "I think I forgot my toothbrush."
"OH NO!" He fell to his knees. "I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! WHY? WHY? WHAT? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE NEED TO BUY TIC TACS! LOTS AND LOTS OF TIC TACS!"
"Oh, Sam, calm down. One, I don't brush my teeth. And two, I couldn't eat your tic tacs anyway." She tried to reassure him, but being his paranoid self, he couldn't be calmed. "I'll stay with him." Alice walked over to try to stop him from shaking nervously.
"Well, ONWARD!" Carlisle moved his hand to motion, the family and Bella, who tripped over herself and landed on Rosalie's feet.
"I think I could use a Seeing Eye dog or something." Bella said as she picked herself up from the ground.
"Excellent idea!" Edward commented. He ran over and talked to Alice. And pretty quickly, they got the still incredibly paranoid Sam to change into wolf form to be Bella's Seeing Eye dog.
Sam was breathing very quickly as he hopped over every crack, he didn't want to hurt his momma. Along with the paranoia, he also came equipped with tons and tons of superstition.
Edward and Emmett walked up a line of ladders. Sam whimpered and pushed Bella away from the ladders. He had to protect her.
Eventually, after avoiding black cats, picking up every four-leaf clover they saw, and searching the ground for pennies head side up, they reached the Volturi each holding their very own horseshoe.
"Welcome," Aro greeted seriously, then he realized who the group was. "Oh my god. It's my BFF forevers!" He shook everyone's hand, except for Sam's, who was still a wolf. "And you brought a doggie. Aww…" He petted him. "Nice, puppy."
"Do I smell a human?" Caius appeared. He sniffed the room and at last finding blind Bella, who was moving her head around, trying to act like she could see. "You. Smell. Like. A. Human."
"OMG!" Aro jumped in front of Caius. "Carlizzle, I thought you were supposed to fix that?"
"I was, Arizzle, but the shadizzle-wizzle Edskizzle, won't let me, yo." Carlisle replied in the most confusing terminology ever.
"That's just wack." Aro turned his attention to Bella. "So, are you happy to see me?"
"Who are you?" She felt for him. "You feel like…Mike Newton."
"Can I touch you to see if my power works on you yet?" Aro asked.
"Eww…Mike did you just ask to feel me?" Bella back up, hitting Sam.
"My name is Mike now? Woo-hoo! I always wanted to change my name! Hey, what's with glasses?"
Bella looked over to where she thought Edward was, but really it was Emmett making out with Rosalie in her sight.
"Umm…" Edward jumped in. "They're special glasses. They help her have…"
"X-Ray vision!" Emmett yelled.
"Right," Edward agreed. "She can see right through your cloak." Bella nodded, now looking at the floor, which she thought was Carlisle.
"Oh my god! Get out of here! I don't care that you insulted Marcus anymore!" Aro was trying to cover himself. "YOU MUST LEAVE NOW! GUARDS!" And with that, the security appeared to remove the group.
"THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!" Sam randomly decided to change back, leaving him naked in the middle of the room.
Aro looked over at Sam, not realizing he just transformed back from a wolf and had no clothes. "AHH! SHE PUT THEM ON ME! CURSE YOU, BELLA SWAN AND YOUR GLASSES OF HORROR!"
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Author's Note: So, yeah…I had to add Beowulf, just because we bonded, when I read that book.
Anyway, this chapter was inspired by ahrocks08, for Bella's blindness and Deadly.Nightshade.Blossom, for asking for the Volturi. They'll probably come up again. I'm sorry if it was bad.