Disclaimer: The owning of Twiligh and me is a no
Disclaimer: The owning of Twiligh and me is a no. Or Twister. Or Harry Potter.
Author's Note: So my computer is being really annoying…We've apparently written too many stories lately and it refuses to let us save any word documents. So I'm improvising. Let's see how that goes.
Oh yes, there are some Breaking Dawn references...
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"Hello." Jasper greeted whoever was on the phone. "Yes." He stress out his syllables and speaking very obnoxiously. "No, you cannot ride my pony!"
There was a pause. "Because it's my pony! YOU KNOW WHAT, BELLA…shut up! Edward, your girlfriend is terribly annoying!"
"I can hear you!" Bella's voice rang through the phone.
"Jasper, I told you not to pick up the phone…you know today is the day my fan girls have their complete a totally shrine of meeting for me. Bella, gets very jealous for some reason." Edward reached for the phone. He was going to hang it up before she heard anything.
"I heard that already!" She yelled. "I told you that your fan girls are really-"
"Don't say it, Bella." Edward whispered into the phone. "They'll hear you….and even if they don't. They'll know. They know everything."
"Edward," Jasper called him. "Bella was trying to ride my pony." He pouted.
"Jasper, you don't even have a pony…and even if you did, you would probably kill it in the first week because you're thirsty or something. Or you and Emmett would have dropped a harp on its head and killed it. Or Alice would get jealous of the pony and kill it. Or you and Emmett would dress up like fairies and scar-"
"Edward, stop discouraging him." Carlisle walked down stairs. "You had a pony." He reminded him.
"Aww, yes…Carrots." Edward bit his lip; holding back imaginary tears. "He dead so young…"
Carlisle looked around as if embarrassed. "Edward, you ate him about fourteen hours after you got him."
Edward looked heartbroken. "You told me he ran away. WHY WOULD YOU LIE?"
"Umm…well, yes. But what was I supposed to say. 'Edward, I'm sorry, but the pony you grew to love over the past fourteen hours has been killed by…you.'. I always assumed you just read my mind and knew what happened." He shrugged.
"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!" His fan girls shouted from the living room. "WHERE ARE YOU EDDIE-TEDDY?"
"Someone shoot me, if they ever use that name again." Edward grumbled. As much as he enjoyed the adoring fans, the names they gave him were hardly desirable.
"That wouldn't do anything." Jasper pointed out. "But we could cut you up into small pieces and burn you, if they say it again."
"Good idea." He nodded, accepting the idea. There some fan girls screams going through the house. "Oh god. I wish I could get rid of some of them.…"
"I can help with that." Jasper licked his lips. "We can play Twister!"
"Jasper, how will that help?" Edward raised an eyebrow.
"Well, since we're vampires, we'll probably end up crushing half of them as we try to bend around them. It will be fun…and I can eat them." He added quietly.
Edward stood wide-eyed.
"You know how I got rid of my fan girls?" Jacob walked in the door. Edward looked quickly around confused at his sudden apperance. "I'm Harry Potter, remember?"
"Oh." Edward, Jasper and Carlisle responded.
"Anyway…I got them hooked on someone else. All of my fan girls are now J. Jenkin's fan girls." Jacob explained.
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In a city somewhere…
"OH MY GOD! IT'S J.!" A group of girls fainted. Others clawed through the crowd to be nearer to the god of a fake document maker.
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"Oh yeah," Jake crossed his arms. "Some of them went to be fans of the Third Wife."
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Somewhere….
"OH MY GOD! It's the Third Wife-" A truck passes as the girls speak the name of the woman.
They girls begin to cry out in their fandom for the Third Wife. "OH god! It's-" A loud jig saw begins to be revved up, drowning out the name.
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"That's it!" Edward ran to the door of the living room. "Everyone, if you love me, you'll all go be fan girls of the Volturi!"
The girls all looked at one another and screamed. "ARO, YOU SEXY BEAST!"
--
The next day the Cullens received a call from the Volturi.
"Hello." Edward greeted.
"Umm…" It was Aro. "I just called to warn you all that the you've all been sentenced to death for attacking us with those crazy, and yet, tasty females."
"You ate my fan girls!" Edward was shocked.
"Well, all but one. Alec and Jane are finding it terrible difficult to pull her from their legs…" Aro drifted off. "Well anyway. I just called to schedule your demise. How's next Tuesday?"
Edward shook his head. "Alice and I have a lunch quiz that day. You know the basics. What makes up a hotdog, how much coleslaw can one person eat in a day, if you eat nothing but fat free wafers, how before you realize you're fat. The normal stuff."
"Oh," Aro paused to check his calendar. "I'm free on Wednesday."
Edward bit his lip. "How about on November 21 you send James, Victoria and Laurent to kill Bella? I know you have their phone number. And if not, I can give it to you."
"That sounds good." There was a short silence. "Can you give me the number?"
"Sure. It's 1-800-WEWANT-TOKILL-BELLA-BECAUSE-WEVE-GOT-NOTHING-BETTER-TO-DO-AND-ALSO-ARO-IS-ONE-SEXY-BEAST. Got it?"
"Yes, sir. Oh yes, you need to come pick up this random fan girl that won't let Alec and Jane alone. She is far more powerful than the rest of the girls and is determined to never let them go. I believe she has a power of some sort, considering their powers aren't working."
"I'll be there." Edward hung up. "JACOB! GO TO ITALY AND FREE ALEC AND JANE!"
"Ok!" He ran out the door.
--
Jacob ran to Italy. Only to be mauled by the Volturi because Caius smelled werewolf.
"But I'm a shape shifter." Jacob turned into a crowbar.
"Oh good." Caius lifted Jake and tried to pull the wild fan girl from Alec and Jane. "Darn, you're a crappy shape shifter." Caius yelled at Jake. He gave up. "Oh well, it's not me."
Aro looked over to Caius and Jake. "Hey, can you turn into a tacky lampshade, please? I love nineteen seventies lampshades!"
--
The crazed Jane and Alec fan girl was never removed from the two-some and thus she became their triplet.
And Jacob shaded a lamp for the next two weeks. Until the battle when Bella took him back saying 'I LOVE YOU! YOU TACKY LAMPSHADE!'.
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Author's Note: This was a request from TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (she's the Alec and Jane fan). I hoped you liked it! :D
Oh yes, and for everyone, THANK YOU SO MUCH! We broke 900 reviews! And have 100 favorites on this! Holy molie, you guys are seriously so amazing! I truly don't think you guys realize how amazing you are! Thank you!