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Chapter 8:
When I stopped at the stable, my eyes were filled to the rim with tears. I slid off the horse and grabbed his reins, leading him in. Luckily, Josh's father wasn't there, but I didn't know what to do with Beany Baby. I kept his reins in my hands and walked over to Anthem.
What are you doing? Who says you're not good enough? I hadn't heard that voice for a long time, but I knew exactly who it was.
I jumped, clenching my jaw. Who says you're allowed to listen in to my conversations? I snapped, rubbing my hand across Anthem's ears.
I do. Especially when you have absolutely no self-esteem. You're better than that. You're so—he began, but I cut him off.
Shut up. I don't want to hear it, alright? I know I don't, and there's nothing you can do to change that. I said as Anthem sniffed my hand for any sign of food.
He was speechless for a second. Fine. Alright. I get that. But I want you to know that you are good enough for him; you're good enough for anyone you choose. You are beautiful.
Whatever. I thought bitterly as Josh walked in with America behind him.
"Danny, are you okay?" he said, the noise of America's hooves clonking behind him was loud.
I didn't answer, tilting my head so my hair slipped from my shoulder to shield my face. He sighed, beginning to take off the horse's saddles. I went to the corner as I watched him lead America to the stall with her baby and take off her reins, shutting her in there. He did the same with BB in the stall right next to the mother and son. After he hung the bridles up on the wall, he turned to me with a frown. "Stay for dinner. Please." He begged.
I really shouldn't have, and if I had answered differently, things might have gone different. But his eyes were melting me, and I couldn't say no. I nodded slightly, sliding past him and out the stable doors with him close behind me. "I'm sorry if I did anything wrong," he said as he caught up with me.
"Please don't tell anyone about me talking; it wouldn't be good." I asked, turning to him and looking up at him through my lashes. If word got out that I had started talking again, and if it reached my father…I knew he would be mad, and he being mad was never good for me.
He furrowed his eyebrows and shut his mouth. "Well, alright, but that doesn't mean you won't talk to me again, right?"
I averted my eyes to the ground again. "I don't know," I whispered, my throat closing.
"Alright," he said, gently grabbing my chin and making me look up, "but you should really stop looking down all the time. You have the prettiest eyes, and they shouldn't be looking at the ground all the time."
A blush crept up my cheeks and I bit my lip. He pushed my hair behind my ear and his lips picked up in a slight smile. "I'd tell you not to do that, but—" he began, but a yell cut him off.
"DINNER!" his mother called, cutting him off. He smiled, shaking his head.
"C'mon, let's go." He said reluctantly, opening the back door. I went in just as Levi rushed past.
"Have you seen my DS?" he asked, out of breath.
I shook my head and he dashed off again. "DINNER!" his mother called again. I glanced over to the dining room table to see Hanna peek up and glance around, settling herself into a chair and playing on something.
"Hanna," I heard behind me, and Josh slid past me, walking up to Hanna. I followed him hesitantly, not wanting to go to dinner by myself. "Does Levi know you have his DS?"
The game counsel thing was a dark blue, and rectangular. I had never seen anything like it. "Yes," Hanna answered in her little girl voice, her eyes widening in innocence.
"Are you sure?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow at her.
"Yes," she answered again.
"Alright, so if I called Levi in here—" Josh began before Hanna cut the DS off and handed it to him, leaping off the chair and dashing out of the room. "I thought so," he finished, flinging it on the table.
"JOSHUA! Dinner! C'mon!" His mom called.
"Yes ma'am, we're coming!" he called after her, flashing a grin at me and shrugging. He started off towards the kitchen, faster than normal and I scurried after him.
"Alright, serve yourselves, and we'll have prayer in the living room." His mom ordered, gesturing to two pots on the stove. So, everyone grabbed a plate and moved, following the line, scooping some yellow stuff out of the pot and onto their plates, and then kept going for a drink. I had no idea what I was doing; I had always made dinner and hardly served myself, but I hadn't done this at all. It was a strange feeling, being waited on for the first time in a long time.
"Levi! No eating before prayer; you know better." His mother scolded, catching him in the act of lifting a spoonful of mac and cheese to his mouth.
"But Hanna's eating!" he said, putting his spoon down and pointing to his little sister.
Hanna said, "No I not!" but it sounded more like, "Nominot!" coming from a mouth stuffed with food.
Mrs. Miller tried keeping a serious face, but when everyone began chuckling, she couldn't help it. Josh pulled out his phone and snapped a quick picture of the tattle-tale in progress. "Levi she's one, she doesn't know any better. Otherwise, you do. Hanna, don't eat before prayer."
She blabbered out something and brought the dish up to her mouth. "Don't spit it out!" Her mother screamed, making me jump. Hanna's eyes widened, but she swallowed what she had with difficulty.
When we all had our food, the whole family scrambled into the living room. Josh sat at the corner of the couch, and I sat beside him, leaving about an inch of space between us. Iya sat next to me, curling up beside me. I didn't like the fact that she was touching, so I slid over closer to Josh. "Danny," Mrs. Miller called, making me gaze up at her, "We always say prayer before dinner. I hope that's alright by you?"
What? Why did she care what I thought? Who was I to say they couldn't do something? I stared at her for a while before shrugging slightly; hating the fact that everyone's eyes were focused on me. She smiled brightly. "Alright, Elder Miller, can you please say the prayer?" she said, averting her gaze to Cormac.
He raised an eyebrow, but crossed his arms over his chest. "Technically, I'm not a missionary yet, but, yes, I will say the prayer." He smiled, bowing his head and closing his eyes. Very much to my surprise, everyone did the same, and the house was completely silent for a second; even Hanna had folded her arms. Cormac began speaking, talking to someone called 'Heavenly Father' and thanking him for most of the things we take for granted, and asking him to 'bless' people I didn't know. Honestly, I had no idea what was going on, but something strange settled in me and I calmed down as I heard a voice in my head.
He is good.
At first I thought it was J, but instinctively, I knew it wasn't. This was different. I closed my eyes, feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. But it all broke after they had all said, "Amen," and began talking. It just disappeared. Simple as that. I didn't know what it was, but I liked it.
Shaking my head and clearing the weird feeling from my thoughts, I poked around my plate. I couldn't eat this. It was so nice of her to cook it, but I had never eaten something that I didn't cook—oh crap.
I wasn't home to make dinner.
I'm dead. I'm officially dead. My father would be so mad—scratch that—he was probably already mad as heck. I had to get home as soon as possible; every minute that I delayed going back, the worse my 'welcome' would be. Without thinking, I stood and hurried into the kitchen with my untouched food. I scraped the mac and cheese back into the pot of leftovers and washed and dried my plate, scurrying around the kitchen, looking as to where they were stored. After I found it and placed it gently inside, I sat in one of the chairs to the small table and covered my face with my hands, trying to calm my shaking body. I didn't want to go home, but I knew the sooner I went, the less my punishment would be. Why he cared so much about it was beyond my knowledge, but I got the feeling that he looked for the simplest things to beat me for. I didn't know why he did it, all I knew is that he did, and I knew it was something I did. He hated me. I didn't know why, but it was my fault. It was all my fault.
"Danny, are you alright?" A clink on the counter told me that Josh had set down his plate. His footsteps were clear and loud as he walked up behind me, pulling out a seat next to me. "What's wrong?" he reached out a hand to touch my arm, but I turned towards him so he couldn't reach.
"I have to go home." I whispered shakily, hugging myself so my body would stop trembling.
His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You can stay here, Danny. You can stay with us until tomorrow."
I shook my head, sighing and standing up. "Thank you, but I have to go." I inhaled shakily, brushing my bags behind my ear. Tears were stinging my eyes, and I didn't want hi to see me cry anymore than he had to. He stood abruptly, grabbing my shoulders gently to get me to stop.
He ran his fingertips across my cheek, staring into my eyes. He wouldn't let me look away, but instead I stared into his eyes, studying the tiny specks of gold inside them. "Stay here," he breathed, "Stay with me." He smiled when I found myself nodding without my permission.
I snapped back into reality when he blinked, and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Is it alright if you stay in my room?" his eyes were bright, and his smile mirrored it.
No, no it wasn't. Not at all. But again, I found myself nodding, not really know what I was doing.
"Hey guys!" Iya bounced in, well, skipped really, and put her plate in the sink. "I can't wait to go shopping tomorrow!" she squealed, coming up and hugging me. I awkwardly patted her arm until she let go of me.
"Iya," Josh grabbed her arm as she started out. "Tell Mom that Danny's staying the night." Iya frowned, glancing from him to me, and back to him.
"Alright, but I can guarantee she won't liiikkkeee it." She sang, dancing out.
"Okay, then." He dragged out the words, staring after her. "How would you like ta go watch a movie?"
Believe it or not, I had never actually seen a movie. Whenever my family watched TV, I was never with them. I couldn't stand being with them. I was usually up in my room with the door closed, writing and listening to music. I was never allowed a TV in my room, and the only reason I had my iPod was when my mom had one of her little spites when she felt sorry for me. I shrugged, just wanting to lean into his chest, close my eyes, and forget everything.
"C'mon, you can pick the movie." He glanced down, almost as if he wanted to take my hand and lead me, but he decided not to and walked out with me at his heels. I ignored the family still in the living room and followed him up the stairs—alone. My hands were shaking so badly that I had to put them in my pockets to stop them. I wanted to trust him, but I hoped I wasn't pushing it too far.
Opening a cabinet, he pulled out a box filled with movies. "Here are some of 'em."
Hesitantly, I took them from him, staring into it and not recognizing one of them. "I've never seen a movie before—I don't know what these are." I admitted in a reluctant whisper.
I glanced up to see him frowning at me with a confused look on his face. "Never? You've never seen a movie before?"
I fingered through them so I wouldn't have to look up at him again. "Only at school," I shrugged, sighing and chewing on the inside of my lip.
"Wow, alright, so you've lived under a rock your entire life, so I'll pick one." he rummaged through the box, "So action? Comedy? Romance?" he asked, glancing up at me, pausing.
"What about this one?" I asked, pointing out one called 27 Dresses.
He groaned. "Ohhh, a chick flick? Really?"
I blushed, taking a step back. "If you don't want to—" I began.
He took out the movie, shaking his head. "No, that's fine, I was just kidding." He furrowed his eyebrows, staring at me in confusion. I nodded, and he took the box from my hands, putting it back into the closet. He started again down the hallway and into the room at the end.
He opened the door and let me in. He never closed it after me, which I was grateful for. Instead, he went over to a medium sized flat screen in the corner on top of a black nightstand. It was a dark room, but the carpet and the walls were an off white, but all the furniture was black. I felt like it had a hidden meaning to it, but I didn't know why. The full sized bed was in the middle of the room, it's comforter a black, and the pillows were black, white, and a couple red. Two doors stood on either side of the bed, probably a closet and bathroom. On the left of the bed was a dresser sitting underneath a window with a bunch of pictures and awards; mostly sports and Boy Scouts. A hamper stood in the corner between the door and the wall with dirty clothes spewed around it. On the right side of the bed, a desk stood diagonally in the corner nearest to me and a huge bookcase in the middle of the wall.
And it was clean.
Which was weird. Even Destiny's room wasn't this clean. Well, except for the dirty clothes. Josh suddenly jumped onto the bed, landing on his back with his hands behind his head. Pillows flew up around him and landed on the floor. "C'mon! I don't bite." He flashed his teeth in a grin, which were oddly sharp, but when I blinked, they were normal again. He winked.
"Okay, okay, I promise I won't." he said, sitting up and staring at me.
I pulled my hair from my neck and pushed my bangs behind my ear before answering. "I'm not really…used to being…alone in a room with a guy." I blushed deeply, studying his room further. Of course I had been alone with a guy, but that never, never, NEVER ended well for me.
I glanced up to see his jaw clench. "I'm not Jake. I promise. I won't do anything you don't want me to. I swear."
"I know that, and I never thanked you for that—so thank you for sticking up for me when I never did, but I'm just…scared, ya know?" I asked.
"Jake is scawy." Josh joked, mimicking Hanna's voice.
I laughed, rolling my eyes. Finally, I crawled in next to him. "Why do you think you're so funny?" I shook my head, glancing up at him as I curled up next to him.
He smiled arrogantly. "Because I am!" he said surely.
"Sure, you keep thinkin' that." I said, laying my head on his chest.
"I will, thank you very much." He said, leaning over and getting a remote from his bedside table. He pressed play and it began showing a girl at a wedding. I frowned at it. I wish I could have a wedding. I sighed, closing my eyes and breathing in his musky scent. He smelled wonderful; of forests, and dead leaves. Most of all, he smelled of country.
My hands were shaking as I slipped the chicken from the pan and onto the plate, covering it in a thin layer of salt; the way my father liked it. I gulped before picking it up carefully, trying to calm my trembling body and slowly made my way into the living room where my family was waiting. I had to serve each and every one of them; but I couldn't do it all at the same time. Father was first. He always came first.
I kept my gaze down, looking at either the chicken or my feet. I could never make eye contact; never. It was 'disrespectful'. I didn't think it was, but I didn't dare argue with the man who could end my life so quickly. I didn't speak as I reached over to hand him the chicken, still taking a step forwards. Something suddenly caught on my foot, propelling me forwards and flinging the plate into my father's face.
Mentally, I cursed myself as I stood up, backing away, shaking my head and trying to find out some way to apologize. But my father never listens to me. For a moment he seethed in his anger as the chicken slid from his face to his lap, and in the next second, he took the dish from my hands and broke it over the side of my head.
"You f******* b****! You're so f****** clumsy! You worthless, good for nothing, b****!" he yelled, standing as I collapsed on the ground, staring up at him as a trickle of blood slide down my scalp and down my nose. This was all my fault. I'm such a klutz. I couldn't do anything right!
I didn't know how I was kept conscious after he hit me with the plate, but I had, and now I had to go through his beating. He grabbed the collar of my shirt, yelling in my face and calling me names even I couldn't understand. He slapped me multiple times and grabbed a fistful of my hair with his free hand. He pushed me up against the wall, holding me by the throat with one hand, and punching my stomach with the other. I scratched at him arm as black dots interrupted my vision, my small lunch coming back up as he hit me. I stared at my mom, begging to help, but none ever came.
None ever comes.
I screamed, but his hold on my throat just tightened until I couldn't get any more air in. The black dots grew larger and larger until they completely clouded my sight and I couldn't feel anything anymore—
"Danny! Danny! Honey, wake up!" someone shook my shoulder, calling out my name. My breaths were shallow and coming in short gasps. I couldn't breathe; someone was choking me.
"Danny!" the boy speaking shook me again, trying to get me to wake up. But I couldn't. I was stuck somewhere between the two worlds.
Suddenly, I gasped and opened my eyes, finding Josh leaning over me with a worried expression. With the dream still fresh in my mind, I rolled out from under him and to the other side of the bed. I sat up and kicked my legs over the side, trying to breathe again. He crawled over and sat next to him. "Bad dream?" he asked, watching his feet as he kicked the carpet with his toe.
Not the worst. I replied mentally, my shoulders shuddering as I thought about the worst. I nodded, taking in a shaky breath. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. "It's alright, you're here now; you're safe." He said, trying to comfort me.
No I wasn't. I was never safe. Here, right now, alone in this room with Josh…he could do so many things to me and no one would ever know or care. "Is the movie over?" I asked just to change the subject; to get my mind off of my dream.
He chuckled, sensing my distress and pulled away from me. "Yea, it just ended."
"Darn it," I said weakly, trying to smile up at him.
He shook his head. "Mhm, mhm, mhm." he said disapprovingly. "Your first movie and you fall asleep during it? That's absolutely horrible!" he said jokingly. I laughed slightly along with him.
He fell back onto the bed, closing his eyes and sighing. "Well, this house usually goes to sleep when the little ones do, so are you ready to go to sleep?"
My heart caught in my throat. What did he mean by that? Surely he didn't mean…that, did he? My heart rate sped up along with my rattled thoughts. He opened his eyes, staring curiously at me. "You can borrow some of my clothes. Hold on a sec." he said, jumping up from the bed and making me wince, but he didn't seem to notice. He went over to the dresser on the other side of the bedroom and pulled open the first drawer. He dug through it, tossing clean pairs of short and other articles of clothing on the floor until he threw something on the bed. He then closed that drawer and opened another, doing the same exact thing. I couldn't help but smile and shake my head at him, chuckling to myself.
He pulled something out and slammed the drawer shut, making me flinch again, and stood up. "Here we go." He turned around and grabbed the other thing lying on the bed and came back over to me. He handed them to me, nodding to the closest door.
I raised my eyebrow. "You really want me to go in there?" I asked.
His eyes widened and a small blush crept up his cheeks. "Just…stay there for a second, okay?" he gave me an unsure grin and dashed into the bathroom, closing the door after him. I waited for a minutes, smirking to myself as I listened to him. After about five minutes, he peeked through the door. "Close your eyes." He demanded.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes, but my heart picked up speed as I did as I was told. I heard the door open and him scurry around until I felt him next to me. "Alright, it's half-decent. You can go in there."
I rolled my eyes before opening them. I glanced at him and sighed before taking the pajamas he had given me and scrambled into his bathroom. I closed the door slowly, locked it, and leaned up against it, sliding to the floor.
I wondered if he knew how amazing he looked, or if I was, maybe, just maybe, falling for him—again. But I couldn't risk my first friendship for a long time for some stupid, silly little crush. Some stupid, silly crush? I thought to myself. Butterflies in the stomach was a crush. Smiling like an idiot in front of him was a crush. Shivers whenever he touched me, or the way a simple smile of his can take my breath away…that was not a crush. That was something more. But I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. I couldn't tell him. If we began dating or anything, Destiny would kill me. No joke; she would literally murder me. I didn't want him to feel like that was his fault.
I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts encircling my mind. His scent wafted up from his clothing I held in my hands, and I couldn't help but melt and bring the shirt and the sweatpants up to my nose. I sighed and stood, slipping off my vest and turtleneck and putting on Josh's shirt. It was way too big for me, but I found myself loving the image in the mirror. I was wearing his shirt. I had never done anything like this before. I sighed comfortably again and put on the sweatpants he had given me as well. I hung my clothes over the shower rod, not knowing what else to do with them. I rummaged under the sink for a spare toothbrush, but I couldn't find one, and I sure as heck wasn't using his. I sighed and glanced back at the door.
I stood, looking at myself in the mirror. It was one of the first times that I actually liked what I saw there, in that thing I hated so much. I never liked my appearance. Maybe it was me, or just because I really wasn't that pretty, but I was almost sure that it was the ugly and fat comments by my father and sister. I knew it was, but I just couldn't bring myself to call myself pretty. But there, in his clothes, I felt like I belonged, and I felt like I was remotely good-looking. I smiled at myself in the mirror, threw my hair up into a bun atop my head, and nervously took a hold of the doorknob.
I sighed before I opened it, not expecting what I saw. Josh was digging in his dresser again, stuffing the clothes that he had tossed out back into it and pulling out two shirts—which he did not have on. His bare back was turned towards me, and my breath caught in my throat as I watched him. I closed the door to the bathroom behind me just as he turned around.
I held a gasp in, biting my lip. He looked at me, smirking. "Wow. You look good in my shirt." He said, picking up a white t-shirt and putting it on. Once he finally put on a shirt, I was snapped back into reality. Red stained my cheeks as I averted my eyes. His dark skin and a simple white t-shirt were not compatible. Very much to my surprise, he put on another shirt over the white one.
"You can have the bed. I can sleep on the floor." He said as he reached for a pillow. "Unless you want me with you?" he glanced up hopefully.
My blush deepened, but I shook my head, climbing into the bed. Josh opened the other door and pulled out two blankets, laying one on the floor by the door and dropping the pillow onto it. He went over and shut the lights off, making me go on high alert. He sighed, slipping under the covers. "Well, goodnight, Danny." He said sleepily.
"Night." I agreed, staring at him as I did the same. I stared at his form, my chest swelling in an unknown feeling. I closed my eyes, bring his covers up closer to my chin and breathing in his scent.
"Joshywa?" a small, shaky voice asked as the door creaked open minutes later.
"Yes, picnic?" Josh answered lowly, probably thinking I was sleeping.
Little feet scampered in and I could hear her lying next to Josh under the covers. "Why you ain't in your bed?" Hanna asked in her childish voice.
"Well, sweetie, someone else is sleepin' in it."
"Is it a girl?" she asked excitedly.
Josh chuckled. "Yea," he replied.
"What's her name? Is she your girlyfriend?"
"I…I guess you could say that. Her name is Danny."
"Hi, Danny!" Hanna said louder. I couldn't help but smile and bring the covers up over my mouth to hide it.
Josh quickly shssed her. "Baby, she's sleeping."
"Oh… sorry, Danny!" I bit back laughter, but I couldn't help another smile.
Josh chuckled. "Picnic, why are you here? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"I twied, but dere are monters under my bed! I twear!"
"Why didn't you go to Mommy's room?"
"She can't scare dem away, but I know you can."
"Okay, well, I think the monsters are tired, so they'll be there in the morning. They won't expect me then."
"Oh, no, they're not monsters, they're wolves."
There was silence for a moment. "Now, picnic, why would you think that?"
"Because dere wolves!" she insisted.
Josh sighed. "Well, I'll get 'em tomorrow, okay?"
"Bu-but I don't wanna go back!" she whined.
"It's alright, picnic, you can stay here with me. But you have to go night night or I'll send you back. Understand?"
"Otay…"
A few minutes passed before she spoke again. "Joshywa?"
He groaned. "What now, Hanna?"
"Can you sing to me? Pwease?"
"Picnic, Danny's sleeping. I don't wanna wake her up."
"But if you don't sing ta me, I'll have nightmares!"
He sighed. "What do ya want me to sing?"
"I dunno."
There was silence as Josh thought. "It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart," his voice was low and deep, sending a shiver through me, "Without sayin' a word, you can light up the dark.
"Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing," he continued. "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me. A touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best…when you say nothin' at all."
He paused, breathing slowly. "Keep gowin'!" Hanna pressed.
He took a deep breath and continued. "All day long I can hear people talkin' out loud but when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd. Old Mr. Webster could never define what's being said between your heart and mine.
"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave. A touch of your hands says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best… when you say nothin' at all." He dragged out the word, quietly as to not 'wake' me, but it still made me melt. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know he could sing!
""The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave. A touch of your hands says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best… when you say nothin' at all." He stopped abruptly when I had a feeling the note stretched out. I peeked out from the covers and saw a small body curled up next to him, fast asleep. I heard him sigh.
When you say nothing at all. I had a feeling he purposely picked that song, and he picked it for a reason. I groaned mentally. Why did he have to be so smart?
I snuggled in deeper, his scent engulfing me, filling my nostrils, putting me to sleep almost immediately.
He scowled at me, his tornado eyes darker than I had ever seen them before. "How dare you spill my own food on me, and not even try to apologize!" he growled, frowning until his mouth picked up into an evil smirk.
"Don't worry—you don't have to apologize, you'll just have to make it up to me." He said, grabbing my upper arms and prying me off the wall. I screamed again, scratching at his hands with my sharp nails. He dug his own into my skin, warning me to stop. Without thinking, I gathered saliva in my mouth and spit at him, catching him right in-between the eyes. He ground his teeth together and gripped my arm so tight that I cried out. He pulled up the collar of his shirt to wipe his face off.
"You are so dead." He growled, slapping me hard on my cheek. I reached up instinctively to touch it and cool the hot skin, but he grabbed my hand. "Take it like a b****." I scowled at him, wanting to spit at him again, but he put my own hand over my mouth to keep me from doing it. He stepped back, pulling me by the arm and shoving me down the hallway. I tripped and caught myself on the wall, turning back to hopefully see him walking back to his seat, but he was following me with his hands in fists by his sides.
He nodded down the hallway. "You should know where you're going, w****." My eyes widened and I shook my head, begging him not to.
But he didn't listen and pushed me towards his room again. I tried digging my heels into the carpet, but that didn't stop him. "Get on the bed." He demanded.
I shook my head, trying to back away from him. "Now!" he growled, scaring me half to death. Reluctantly, I climbed on my parent's bed and stared up at the ceiling through my tears.
"Take off your clothes." He said, digging into his bedside table. He glanced up to see me shaking my head. He pulled out a hand gun, snarling, "Now!" again. Tears spilled over as I slipped off my shirt.
"Danny!" he said in a new voice, making me stop and stare at him. "Danny! Oh, c'mon, not again. What the heck is with you? C'mon, sweetie, please wake up. This shouldn't be happening—you shouldn't be having nightmares every time you go to sleep—this isn't normal." He sighed, exasperated. "Aw, c'mon! Please wake up! Danny, baby, please wake up."
I gasped as soon as I opened my eyes and saw his. I sighed, covering my eyes with my hands and falling back into the pillows. I took my breaths in gasps as I tried calming my beating heart. "Danny?" Josh asked, his fingers brushing my skin. I recoiled away from him. Not just after that dream—I couldn't have anyone touching me after that. I knew he was frowning. "Do you remember what you were dreaming about?" he asked and I felt the bed shift as he sat next to me.
Tears threatened to spill over, but I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and wouldn't let them come. "No," I lied, my body and breaths shaky. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry." A few tears spilled over and wet my skin just under my eyes.
Josh gently took away my hands from my face, making me look up at him. "You don't have anything to apologize for. Nightmares are nightmares; everyone gets them. It's alright."
"No it's not!" I sobbed. "I'm sa-sa-sorry. I'm sa-sa-so sa-sorry." I apologized over and over again. I couldn't catch my breath. His hand brushed my bangs, but I turned away from him, shaking my head and trying to get control of myself.
I sniffled. "You said this wasn't normal—me having a nightmare every time I sleep? Well, it is. It's very normal. There's hardly a night when I don't have a bad dream. I know, I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I don't want to talk about it." I said, sighing unsurely.
"Aright," he said, but I could tell the matter wasn't settled.
After a few moments of silence, I glanced at him over my shoulder. "Were you calling me baby?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He chuckled, his cheeks turning red. "You heard that?" he said, embarrassed.
I scoffed, closing my eyes and smiling. "Yea, I heard that, mister what the heck is with you. Thanks for that, by the way." I rolled my eyes, turning back over to stare at him.
He laughed. "I didn't think you'd actually hear that!" he rolled his eyes and got up out of bed. "I'll go to Iya and Coffeeblue's room and get you some clothes of theirs—that alright?"
I nodded. "Yea, just don't tell anyone about me talking, alright?" I asked.
He frowned, nodding. "You can take a shower if you want." He gestured towards the bathroom, and I thought I saw a faint blush before he turned and rushed out of the room. I shook my head at him and laughed as I climbed out of the bed and made it as best I could. I picked up the pillow that was still on the floor and put it back on the bed. I folded up the blankets and put them back in the closet, then headed into the bathroom.
I was about to take a shower in his bathroom, in his room, in his house. Destiny would kill me if she found out I stayed the night in Josh's room and didn't…do anything. But then again, she probably would've been madder if I had done something. I took a deep breath before stripping out of my clothes and separating his clothes and mine in two different piles.
I took a shower, just the thought of using his soaps made my heart stop. I got in and turned the water on to full heat, cowering in the corner until it heated up. But when I smelled his shampoo, it smelled nothing like him. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering how he got that musky woods scent. I shrugged it off, telling myself that I didn't care and washed myself, lathering in the fact that I was in his shower. A part of me wanted him to come in and join me, but another—the more sane part of me—wanted to keep my distance from him and study him, deeming him worthy enough to trust.
I got out and wrapped a towel around myself, peeking out the door to see if he had brought any clothes for me. Just as I opened the door and stepped out, he stepped into the room, his eyes widening at the sight of me in just a towel. I blushed deeper than I ever had. Josh averted his eyes to the ground, taking in a deep breath through his nose. "You smell good." He said, closing his eyes and taking another breath. I raised an eyebrow at him; he could smell me from all the way across the room? Okay…
"Anyways!" he said awkwardly, glancing around the room to stare at anything other than me. He scrambled over to the bed and placed a pile of clothes on it, glancing up at me and then acting as if he didn't. "I'll just, um, set 'em here, and, uh, go, uh—" he began, his eyes wandering around his room as he stood there.
I sighed, rolling my eyes, but my heart was pounding. "Get out?" I offered, but I didn't want to be rude.
Immediately his eyes glanced to me and then he closed his eyes and looked away. "Right! Uh…right, right… ok, ok, I'm going!" he nodded, and turned and scurried out the room. As soon as the door was closed, I burst out into giggles. No guy had ever acted like that around me. If any other guy had seen me in just a towel—which wouldn't happen, but they would've tried to make a move on me, or force themselves on me, even. But he respected me enough not to even look at me.
It would definitely be a first, that's for sure. I never had a guy, no scratch that—I'd never had anyone who respected me. I had been abused ever since I could remember. Physically, emotionally, verbally, and now sexually. No one ever thought about my feelings. He was different. He was definitely different.
He is good.
The thought from yesterday invaded my mind again, but this time I believed it. I shook my head and wrapped my hair in the towel, putting everything on as quickly as I could. I had never worn a blouse before; Destiny would throw hers away before she even thought about giving them to me, but that's what Josh had brought me from Iya's closet. It was a simple purple shirt, but it came with another shirt to go over it. The top shirt was also purple, but it had black plaid running across it. I hardly ever wore skinny jeans, except that time my father made me take some of Destiny's—I shivered—but I slipped on some black ones and a pair of black flats. I felt almost…pretty…but I sure didn't feel comfortable in it. I felt like it just didn't fit my body like it would Iya's or Coffeeblue's.
Josh knocked on the door as I was drying my hair with the towel. "Can I come in?"
"Yea!" I said, parting my hair with my fingers. It wasn't brushed, and it was still wet, but it was dark. I didn't know if he had a brush, so I just left it like it was, only running my fingers through it.
The door opened and Josh stepped in with only some jeans on, his hair and chest sprinkled with water. I paused for a second and could help but stare. Man, did he have abs. He looked out the door like a fugitive and then shut it slowly, careful not to make a sound. He shook his head, flinging water all around his room.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically as I wiped my face with the towel, "But I just took a shower."
He laughed, running his fingers through his hair, and made his way over to his dresser, pulling out another white T-shirt and a blue one. I had to pry my eyes from his bare chest and continue drying the ends of my hair. I held my breath as he slipped on the shirts. He straightened them out, glancing at me and ruffing up his hair, spraying water everywhere once again. "Why do you do that?" I said, the words slipping right out of my mouth.
He came towards me. "What? This?" he shook his head when he was only a foot away from me. I squealed, putting up the towel to shield myself from the water droplets. "It's ta dry my hair, silly. That was a dumb question."
"No, you meany!" I said, peeking over my towel shield. "I was talking about you putting on two shirts all the time!"
"Really? I seriously thought you were talking about this." He shook his head again, making me scream and toss the towel over him. He laughed, sliding the towel around his neck. "The whole T-shirt under a T-shirt?" he stood there for a second, thinking. "I'm… not really sure. I guess it was just something I grew up doing."
"Okay…now will you stop spraying me with water?" I replied, glaring at him.
"Why? I think I'm almost out anyways." He shook his head again, spraying the room with water. I screamed again, putting my hands in front of my face, going towards him. I placed my hands on both of his cheeks, forcing him to stop.
"Stop!" I said, laughing as I tried shielding myself from his rain of water.
He laughed, stepping back to regain his balance. "Whoa, I'm getting' dizzy." He reached up and folded his hands over my own, but kept them there. I gasped slightly when sparks flew up my arm and into my chest. Heat burned at my fingertips along with the starting of a stubble. I stared into his eyes, my mouth parted slightly as I tried recovering my breath. But the shocks didn't stop; they just eased. My arm was tingling, but it wasn't like it had fallen asleep. It felt good, like lighting soaring through my veins. It made me feel powerful, and strong.
"You didn't shave." I whispered just to hear someone talk so I knew that this moment was for real, and that I wasn't just imagining it.
He chuckled slightly, his eyes darting back and forth as he studied my face. I felt beautiful in that moment, like there was no judgment in those eyes, only praise. Josh stepped closer, folding his arms around my waist. I took my hands from his cheek and wrapped them around his neck, standing on my tip toes. He dipped his head forward, glancing from my eyes to my lips.
It hit me when I could feel his hot breath on my face; he was going to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him; I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I was too afraid to. I was too afraid of what it would lead to. Something that I didn't want, but he did, and guys always got what they wanted. They used force and fear to drive people into doing what they want. If I didn't kiss him, then it couldn't lead to anything.
But our mouths were centimeters apart. I couldn't pull back now; he'd know something was up. I couldn't kiss him. I…just…couldn't. Hopefully he would understand. I closed my mouth, sighing through my nose and turning my head away from him. He sighed and kissed my temple, pulling me more to him and into a hug. "I'm not gonna hurt you, and trust me, my breath isn't that bad no matter what my cousins say!"
I laughing, loving the way he lightened the mood so quickly and easily. "Sadly, I haven't heard anything yet. Should I be worried, since you know, I guess you could call me your girlfriend." I tilted my head up.
He blushed slightly. "Oh… you heard that?"
"Oh, I heard that, Mr. Singer. Why did you pick that song out of all of them?" I kept my arms around him, not quite wanting to let go.
He bit his lip, his eyes wandering around elsewhere. "Because I didn't know you were listening. I just thought it was…right, since yesterday was the first time you talked to me."
"Should I be talking to you right now? Since, you know, I say it best, when I say nothing at all." I loved teasing him. I loved seeing someone else blush other than me.
He pulled me closer by the waist, dipping his head to touch our foreheads together. "You do, but I like it so much better when you speak." He said, dipping his voice low and making a shiver run down my spine. Luckily, he didn't say anything else, or I might have broken down. If he had said anything about me saying his name, I would've died right then and there.
But he didn't. Instead, Coffeeblue decided to stick her head in the door. "Um…sorry to break your little love fest, Alpha, but your mommy made you bweakfest." She said, her voice almost identical to Hanna's.
He whipped his head around, shooting her a glare. "Alright. We'll be down in a minute."
"Fine, but don't close the door!" She laughed, winking and left in the next second.
"Why'd she call you alpha?" I whispered, remembering that J was the alpha of his pack. Josh. J. I couldn't believe I hadn't made the connection before.
He shrugged. "It's my favorite brand of guitar." He nodded towards the corner where the desk was. I saw a black guitar in the crack between the desk and the wall. In red letters across the body of the guitar read Alpha.
"I didn't know you played." I replied, glaring at the guitar. I thought maybe I had actually found my wolf.
"I'll have to show you sometime." He smirked.
My eyes narrowed. I couldn't help but ask. "Are you J?"