Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight…(cries)

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight…(cries). Or Parental Control. Or Wheaties. Or Count Chocula. Or Frosted Mini-Wheats. Or Cheese in a Can. Or Lucky Charms. Or Kix. Or Trix. OR Energizer Bunny. Or fanfiction.

Author's Note: So, my sister and I went a amusement park today, just randomly, and it was amusing…hence, the amusement…yeah…Oh yes, and since I went all Breaking Dawn plotline (writing a plotline that is completely out in left field) last chapter, I decided to try to do something more normal for this story.

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Bella was heartbroken. Three seconds after the cameras had stopped rolling on her shoot of Parental Control Billy broke up with her. How could he? Drama. He is just a jerk. Drama. She knew she should have picked Harry. Drama.

Her attempt to add some non-scripted drama into the show had completely failed. Leaving her one option. She went straight back to Edward, who really didn't care, because he knew she was only trying to bring some reality to a reality show.

Then Jacob found Sam's paperclip. Sam freaked out, and beat Jacob with a can of tuna until he gave him back his paperclip. Sam is now back with Emily, whom he calls That Woman, and she is trying to straighten him out.

Emily has started by making him sit in a room with the wolf pack and enough machine guns to arm a platoon of soldiers. Trying to get Sam over the fear of everyone was out to get him.

Unfortunately, someone-Collin-didn't get the memo that they weren't supposed to use the guns and he shot Sam, but luckily he just healed himself physically.

Emotionally and mentally, Sam wouldn't leave his house without a bulletproof vest (x2), nineteen pairs of spandex, a army issued tank, a steel toed super boots, Patricia the walrus (she was violent ever since Paul broke up with her…), a jet pack, Esme's rocket launcher, and a chocolate pastry in case he got hungry.

After all this, all Bella could say was, 'Good luck with that.', and escape before Sam noticed her stealing his paperclip.

Now Bella was back with Edward, but she still was hurt that her boyfriend of all of three seconds had broken up with her. She needed something to drown her sorrows in and thus she was pacing the cement flooring of the Forks grocery store. Looking for nothing in particular, just something to love.

Pasta. Bella gazed at it longingly. Pasta is lovable. It's hard, but it can be flexible. She began to cry; her heart was so broken.

Moving to the next isle, cereal. Wheaties…no, too sporty. Frosted Mini-Wheats…they're too tiny for my broke heart. Count Chocula…that's Edward's favorite cereal…if he could eat cereal. She began to bawl over the fact Edward couldn't eat cereal. What a life tragedy? He would never realize why Trix are for kids…or why Mikey likes Kix…or why Lucky won't just let the darn kids have his charms…

It was then that she saw it. The most heavenly prize of them all; the only thing for a aching soul. The world's greatest creation…Cheese in a Can.

Bella screamed and ran over to the display, grabbing every can she could and tossing them into her cart. Soon enough she gave up on trying to grab cans and just threw the entire display in, cardboard and all.

Nearly sprinting to the check out, she threw a twelve thousand four hundred and nine two-dollar bill at the woman at the cash register and left with the cheese.

Bursting through the doors of the Cullen home, Bella shouted. "EMMETT! JASPER! I FOUND THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!"

"Even more amazing than the Energizer Bunny?" Jasper asked wide-eyed. "I mean, there's no stopping that little guy. He keeps going and going and going and going and going…" He continued for the next seventeen minutes.

"Yup." Bella smiled, while reaching behind her to pull out the can of cheese.

"OH. MY. CARLISLE. CULLEN." Jasper, after finishing his 'and going's, grabbed the can of cheese and held it up to the sky. "It's a gift from the heavens-What is it?" He asked abruptly.

"It's cheese." Bella answered. "But guess what else it is. It. Is. In. A. Freaking. Can. Oh. My. God." Jasper's eye lit up.

And soon, Emmett finally arrived. He took the scenenic route and cut through Canada to make it to the foyer.

"What is it, Bella?" Emmett was in the same awe of the cheese.

"Like I told Jasper, it's cheese in a can."

Jasper and Emmett looked at each other and smiled wickedly. They then turned their attention to Bella and her cheese.

They jumped her and took the cheese. "Let's go make cheese art!" Emmett yelled and ran with Jasper.

In four minutes flat, the two had recreated all of New York City. Then they moved on to Chicago. Where they paid close attention to detail, by adding a tiny baby Edward.

Eventually (in seven minutes), they had recreated the entire United States in cheese.

"It's beautiful." Jasper bit his lip to fight non-existent tears. "CHEESE FIGHT!"

Both Jasper and Emmett sprayed without mercy at one another.

Edward saw the mess happening in the backroom. He stepped over his unconscious girlfriend (again) to see what was really going on.

He froze when he saw up close. The cheese splattered everywhere. It was flying through the air, hitting the walls.

If there was one thing they didn't know about Edward, they were going to find out now. Right here.

"GUYS! STOP!" Edward said frantically trying to get out of the room without them noticing, but, of course, they did.

"Where are you going, Spedward?" Emmett asked smugly.

"Cheese scares me." Edward whispered. Even though they both had heard, they wanted to hear him say it again.

"What?" They both held out an ear.

"I have a deep fear of cheese. Ever since my sister-"

Emmett interrupted. "You don't have a sister?"

"No, I don't anymore, because the cheese got her. She was eating cheese soup, when a meteor struck outside our house. My sister…ummm…" He pondered the name. "Julie, was scared, so she hid her face in the bowl of soup. Thus drowning in cheese soup."

"Oh," Emmett said, clearly upset. How could something as amazing a cheese cause so much grief? "But you can't drown in this cheese. It's in a can!"

"You can drown in all cheese!" Edward tearlessly sobbed. "Oh why? Why? Who wants a cheesy death anyway?"

Jasper head was looking down, ashamed at loving cheese more than afterlife itself. How wrong was he? "I'm sorry, Edward."

Emmett looked at Jasper. "Don't worry…we'll get rid of the cheese." They went to figure out how to remove the cheese.

"So," Bella was conscious again. "Did they buy it?"

"More cheese?" Edward questioned.

"No, your story."

"Heck, yeah. Jasper and Emmett, I think cheated through college…I'm glad I made that story up...I really didn't want to clean up.

--"

"How do we get rid of this cheese?" Jasper looked around. And suddenly Jake appeared.

They kidnapped Jacob and forced him to eat all the cheese. Jake attempted to drown himself in the cheese, but Edward kept pulling him out, screaming out how no one shall die of a cheese related accident again.

While all of this was going on, Sam realized his paperclip was missing. He hunted it down and found Bella.

He found the paperclip in her back pocket. Upon finding it, he went to attack her with Esme's rocket launcher, but Jasper and Emmett found a new use for the can of cheese. They assaulted Sam with the cheese, and drown him in it.

But through the magic of fanfiction…Sam was resurrected! It's a miracle!

But he's still paranoid. Not even fanfiction can fix that.

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Author's Note: I really couldn't think of anything…

Can of cheese was a request by Orphan Ashley. I'm so sorry this is so bad. I truthfully am like dead tonight.