Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Never have, never will

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Never have, never will. OR Kebbler Elf. Or The Wiggles. Or Elle. Or Pine Sol. Or The Booty Drop. Or American Eagle.

Author's Note: Tomorrow's update will be earlier due to the fact I will have to go to sleep earlier because school will be starting the following day. Which means our updates will either be slower, every once in a while, non-existent (until possible next summer…I don't think this one will happen, but you never know), or the same (This one is almost positively a no). Just an FYI.

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Edward and Bella sat at the usually Cullen lunch table. Which, since the Cullens had gotten less creepy since Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie had graduated, was filled with more humans and Keebler elves than a Wiggles Live concert.

Alice skipped happily over to her regular seat across from those crazy lovebirds. She smiled and placed her tray, overflowing with food she wasn't going to eat, on the table.

"Why so much food, Alice?" Bella took note of the huge pile. There were seven apples, a can of soda, twenty-two fish sticks, a roasted garlic chipmunk, forty-six lemons and a muffin.

"Well…" She stopped. "I really don't know." She said joyfully as she sat down. "Just wanted it."

Bella noticed Edward eying the pile of lemons. "Edward?" He turned to look at Bella. "Do you want a lemon?"

"They're sour, right?" Bella nodded. "I have an idea." He snatched the lemons from Alice's tray and using lightning fast vampire speed (Now with REAL LIGHTNING!) he cut the lemons in half and squeezed some of the juice on all the humans' lunches.

There was thunderous crack as the REAL LIGHTNING from Edward's super sonic speed finally made its signature sound.

"Edward, what did you do?" Bella asked with an expression of concern crossing her face.

"Oh nothing." Alice laughed, no doubt seeing the outcome.

And in a matter of seconds the humans took a bite of their now lemony food.

Mike was the first to react. He coughed. "Oh. Oh my god!" He choked. "I think there is lemon in my fruit salad!"

"It's a fruit salad." Jessica commented. "It had lemon in it to begin with."

"But I hate lemon! Why would someone do this?" His eyes searched the room for prime suspects. They froze on Edward. He knows my secret and now he's trying to kill me! He must know that any lemon type of product in a large amount is potentially deadly to elfish cookie makers! Oh it's on!

"Are you alright, Mik-" Jessica began to choke. She fainted. Cullen must have also known that annoying shallow girls don't reacted well to lemons. It sends them into a state of shock and then unconsciousness.

This was the knowledge Mike had learned after he had read his – I mean his cousin's- Elle magazine. It was under the title: Lemons of DOOM!

Angela was happily chewing away at her leafy salad. "Ben, honey bunny?" She grinned. "Did you put lemon in my liver salad?"

"Sure didn't" He replied while him scrunched his face at the sour taste of lemon in his meatball pizza.

"Oh, ok." She continued eating.

"Why do you ask?" He began hitting his head off the table for the taste of lemon drove him CRAZY! It's so lemony! It's. Like. Eating. Pine Sol! Oh. My. God.

"'Cause that would be totally romantic. Because lemon is a romance fruit like tulips."

"Tulips are a type of flower." PINE SOL!

Edward was so busy listening to the thoughts of his fellow classmates; he didn't ever hear Jacob sneaking up behind Ben. His italic senses must have been tingling.

Alice looked panicked as she had a vision of Carlisle and Esme doing the booty drop at home. It was horrifying.

Edward's mind from the sight pretty scary as well.

But once Edward pushed passed the horror that was his parent's dancing skill, he saw the bigger issue. Jacob was going to attack Ben for all his italic goodness.

Bella finally observed Jacob ready to pounce. She was partially saddened that he wasn't going to mangle Mike. Stupid cookie elf.

Jacob was creeping slowly up behind Ben, his senses tingling at the very sound of his italicized thoughts.

Pine Sol! Or maybe it was like eating a soapy dishes…Or eating Edward Cullen after he's eaten five thousand fifty pound lemons. Yeah, that's what lemons taste like. Edward Cullen tastes like lemons! Ben debated what the lemon tasted like in his mind. Unaware that the italic loving fiend, Jacob, was merely steps behind him. Breathing down his neck, that was attached to his head. Which was full of italics.

Edward again used his now REAL LIGHTNING induced speed to get to Jake before he got to Ben.

Another crack resounded in the cafeteria, but no one really cared. Even though the entire room shook like there was a category five earthquake going on. Who cared? It was lunchtime…

"Jacob." Edward threw him on to the floor. "No." He scolded.

Jake whimpered. "But…"

"No. Do you hear me?" Jake nodded, giving him the puppy dog eyes. Which was both ironic and easy for him to do.

"I just wanted to…" He sniffed. "Hear some italics." He sniffed again. "That's all."

"No italics." Edward's face was stern. Jake nodded and went to leave.

Oh my god. Mike thought in italics. Edward is wearing American Eagle. He's so sexy and stylish…All I get are these green cookie making outfits.

That was one of the other things Mike learned from Elle. How do be stylish.

Jacob heard his calling, knocking Edward out of the way he threw himself at Mike.

"Yay!" Bella cheered. Jessica glared at her. "I mean…Oh my gosh, Jake is attacking Mike! Some call the dog catcher/therapist/paranoid freak- I mean- Sam!"

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Author's Note: Watching a video of babies eating lemons inspired this. Somehow that was a big headline on AOL today…I don't know.

Oh yeah, and Sam is like Dr. Phil (Which I don't own)...seriously.