Chapter Twenty Two
22nd December
0638hrs
Snowbird Happysunshine Mountainbreeze, or Maggie Richwhite as she was legally known sat on the faux fur carpet in her living room, certain items of an occultist nature adorned the walls. A large Venus symbol with the image of a happy looking foetus hung from the wall directly in front of her, a small altar with candles that burned with a fragrant stench gave the darkness its only opposition. In her hands a homemade ceramic cup, crafted by her when she was under the control of her spirit guide. Within it a warm tea made of parsley and another herb most lay individuals outside her circle of friends would do hard to pronounce. It was to hurry the visit from Aunty Flo. Snowbird's unfortunate uterus was one that gave her body many issues, and she had spent many nights praying to the deities of the world for a life to grow within her.
Snowbird, was however, not the sharpest knife in the drawer and truly believed that without a man (or science) she could fall. She sipped at her tea and smiled as a new day was begun. Sunrise was later at this time of year, and she viewed that as a symbol that like her, she would fall later, hence the increase in prayer around this time of the yearly cycle.
She had a long day ahead of her and would need her strength, both physical and spiritual. She had to convene with the spirits in her friend's house at 8am, take charge of her other friend's Tarot shop from 9 till 12, then at 12.30pm be across town to host her own style of Yoga class, interspliced with Wiccan tenants, then at 1.30pm attend a feminist discussion group on the place of the Wiccan in their push for equal rights, then at 3pm get back to the otherside of town where she and her coven would cast spells to ensure the success of their favourite politician, at 4pm she had her commune with nature and her own animal spirit guide, at 5pm an early meal with friends then at 6 she had been invited to a college Sorority to tell the girls how to win their boyfriends, fight off unwanted pregnancy spirits and achieve academic success with the assist of positive thought and alignment of Chi, that engagement was going to last till about 11pm then at midnight Snowbird would return to her coven to begin another ceremony that would help brush off the evil prayers of Christians on the way up to Christmas, their prayers were intended to try and take back the pagan holiday the Zionists had stolen from them. This would last till 6 in the morning when she would ceremonially sleep till 6 the next night.
She finished her tea and began to stand; a slight tingle in her toes indicated that unpleasant pins and needles sensation. Today was going to be a good day indeed. There was suddenly a bright light shining at the window, it was certainly too powerful to be sunrise yet, it was a car in the drive way most probably. She wondered who it could be, and then gave consideration to the fact it might be her neighbour who worked shifts and would sometimes pull into her driveway instead of their own in a sleepy haze. Sometimes it was someone who realised that they had pulled down the wrong street or maybe she just had an early morning visitor, it wouldn't be the first.
Walking through into the kitchen she realised she hadn't heard any car door open or shut or anyone walking, which could be easily heard from her vantage point. She poured herself another tea and figured it was most likely her sleepy neighbour or someone checking a map, she wondered if she should go outside to help them and then thought better of it as she wanted to sing to her budgies before she left for the day… on second thought, she had some bad Karma she needed to burn off so she went to the door to see if she could offer some assistance.
Tea in one hand she opened the door with the other and walked out onto the front step. The precious homemade cup dropped to the concrete below and shattered about her bare feet.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
She screamed as she threw her hands up and ran inside and slammed the door shut, struggling with the lock and chain and generally just squeaking out gibberish.
"Oh for Pit's sake, Sunny! Your ugly mug scared her off!"
The voice from outside was loud enough that she could hear it through the large wooden door.
"Last I checked, this was your idea".
"At least I had an idea!"
"Well, pissing into the wind would have been a better idea then this!"
"Whatever!"
Snowbird shuddered with fear as she heard the two start up what sounded like some sort of brawl.
Oh Artemis!
She thought as she started running in towards the house.
"She's moving inside the house, Sides, if you gonna do something you better do it now in regard to gaining her services!"
"Yeah, yeah, I have sensors too you know!"
The red twin got down on his knees and seemed to hesitate for a moment.
"What the hell is up with you now?"
His golden, still badly singed brother asked.
"I… I just figured Optimus would have personally roared at us if we did something like this".
"Yeah, well, that Prime is dead, so get that squishy before she takes off out the back and gets into a crowd of them. She does that, we'll never find her, those grubby things all look alike!"
Sideswipe sighed at his brother's commentary, brushed aside any concerns a big annoyed Optimus could have ever snuck into his mind and the twin attempted to open the door.
He found the door handle too small and two slippery for him to get a good grip. He groaned irritably and had another try, still unsuccessful he tried to remove the hinges from the door.
"Oh for Primus' sake!"
Sunstreaker walked up to the house and kicked in the front wall.
The neighbour's dog started barking and lights in houses still dark flicked on.
"Sunstreaker! What the pit! You'll smush it one! Not to mention wake up half the planet!"
"Yeah, well, what are those little blobs going to do?"
Sunstreaker shrugged.
"Well, what are you waiting for, I'm not getting any more scratches, get your A into G and get in there!"
The golden twin pointed at the gaping hole framed by broken wood, frayed insulation and peeling wall paper.
Sideswipe shook his head, rather aggrieved and crawled into the house.
Even on his knees he was still a little to large to fit through the hole, part of the roof lifted as he moved in, swiping objects of human living out of his path. From inside the dwelling he heard a squeal, a very female human squeal.
"Hey! Lady! I ain't here to hurt you! We need your help!"
"YOU DESTORYED MY HOUSE YOU FUCKER!"
The brown haired human appeared from another room, her dirty hands pressed against the now crooked door frame between the lounge and kitchen. She threw something at him. The object, Sideswipe rationalised, was a frying pan, it struck him right in the forehead.
"HEY! That hurt!"
He growled and reached out to grab her, but she was too quick and he was too obstructed by the mess he was making as the house began to collapse around him.
She ran into the kitchen and found herself in a rather bit of a predicament, she could see the legs of the other one standing in her back yard, the only other option she had was upstairs, and given the condition of the house that probably wasn't the best bet. Sunstreaker was suddenly alert to the fact that she was in the kitchen and he dropped to his knees, the jolt to the earth wobbled the entire house on its foundations and the rumbles shook up her legs knocking her to her arse. Snowbird moved quickly to spin around and get on her knees, she shuffled along the gritty tiled floor and over to the cupboard, something grabbed her leg. She turned, saw the robot, screamed, kicked, screamed some more, peed her pants, passed out, which was probably a good thing given the house then collapsed on top of Sideswipe.
--
She came round to the sound of laughing.
It didn't sound human.
"Hah, man! Sides! You look a treat!"
"Oh, ha ha ha, laugh it up candle boy!"
"Hey, at least my recent makeover is relevant, I got it doing something, you on the other hand, smashing up a squishy's house only to have it fall on you, now that's classic!"
She was aware that what she lay on was soft and smelt familiar. When she tried to sit up she found herself strapped down.
"Oh, sorry! They're safe belts, right? You humans use them to stay safe in vehicles?"
Sideswipe's voice reached her ears and joined the ringing. She groaned, then became acutely aware of the smell of urine, her's, oh great. She was in the back of an alien robot, probably one of those Transformers she kept hearing about, and she'd peed herself. She was never going to live this down, if she lived long enough to live this down. She shuddered.
"Hey, are you cold? You meat bags get cold, right? That's why you have those things on you… ah… clothes right?"
She wasn't in any mood to try and converse with the thing, but as she half sat she realised how fast it was moving and if it got sick of her, or offended with her, and he seemed the easily offendable type, he could just flick open the door and drop her to the road at 180 kph. Snowbird decided to smile and respond, if only to be polite and if only to help burn off some of that Karma, and chances are she was either burning a LOT off or getting a lot back.
"No, I'm not cold".
"You're functioning at full capacity though, right?"
"Waa?"
"Ah… Sunny, help me out bro…"
He spoke to someone, she couldn't see anyone else in the car, and then she looked out the right window and saw a yellow lambo driving along side. Oh no. She thought.
"Why the hell are you asking me, I don't know anything about the finer points of human conversation".
"What I want to know, human female lady ma'am, is are you good in yourself?
"You mean am I okay?"
"Yeah".
"Well…"
She started calm and pulled on her meditation and chi exercises to keep herself that way. No point getting worked up in a creature that could change it's shape and crush you into bad pâté.
"You destroyed my house. Killed my budgies. Annoyed my neighbour's dog. Caused me to pee my favourite outfit. Almost killed me. And have now kidnapped me for whatever purpose you two giant robots have. But other then all that, I'm just peachy keen happy faces and cute babies laughing merrily in the sunny park as their mummies talk about breast pumps and diaper changes".
The last comment ended up drenched with sarcasm which the twins knew all too well. Sunstreaker muffled a laugh and Sideswipe offered an apology about the house, which she took, but was inwardly annoyed given an apology wasn't going to rebuild her house.
The two robots conversed with each other for the next two hours, occasionally one of them, usually the one she sat in, Sideswipe, would ask her something, and she only gave yes or no answers. Finally they reached a destination that concerned her greatly.
Up ahead was a large series of moss covered rocks and small hill formations. They were in the middle of a well forested area. Sideswipe unlatched the seat belt and opened the door; she stepped out onto the soft damp grass. Her bare feet stung slightly as she realised she had a few decent cuts on the undersides, along with a multitude of bruises and grazes up her legs and arms. She really wished she could get a change of clothes, as not only were they soaked with her pee but also singed and ripped, and generally just covered in the dusty and fragmented remains of her house.
"Are you going to kill me?"
She asked suddenly as the remoteness of the location dawned on her, the asphalt road having run out, well, she didn't know when and she certainly couldn't recall when the road went from gravel to dirt to dirt to grass and mud. Obviously no one had been in here in a very long time.
Sunstreaker seemed amused and humpfted turning away with a followed up chuckle.
"We're not going to kill you".
Sideswipe responded, she bit her tongue and didn't reply with the fact they had already almost killed her.
"My name is Sideswipe and this is my bro Sunstreaker, we need your help Miss Snowbird HappySunshine Mountainbreeze".
"Just call me Snow".
She said numbly.
"You see, we have a bit of a problem and we looked up on the Google for help and you were the first site to show up in this region of the planet. Please, please, Snow, you gotta help us!"
"What exactly is your problem?"
She raised an eyebrow, wondering why on earth or any planet the robots wished to dwell upon, would need someone of her profession.
"We're being haunted by something or someone or whatever, basically some crazy shit is going on and we want it to stop and we don't know why its going on".
She looked at him for a moment and opened her mouth ever so slightly to better increase her inhalation, more as a statement of "what have I been pulled into?"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
She asked, unsure of her words, unsure if they were the right ones to say, unsure of well… everything.
"Lady, look where you are, look what we did to get you here, you think we're kidding around?"
Sunstreaker asked as he approached her.
They stood in silence for a few moments. It was rather uncomfortable.
"Let's go".
Sideswipe suddenly perked up, not on friendly terms with the quiet.
--
They walked into the forest for about twenty minutes before the finally came across a metal shack against the side of a large mountain cliff. It had the same insignia on the top of the door as was on the two robots who had kidnapped her for her services.
"I'm sorry I can't offer you some fleshy food".
Sideswipe said.
At that Sunstreaker reached up and grabbed some leaves off a branch and then dropped them at her dirty feet.
"Here you go. You guys eat leaves, right?"
She wasn't sure if he was serious or joking, but deciding to err on the side of caution she told them she wasn't hungry.
"Right".
The red twin dropped to his backside on the ground in front of the shack, the sudden loud thump caused every bird in the nearby trees to fly off with fright, squawking as they went, not to mention pooping.
So now it was her pee, dirt, dust and poop she found herself covered in.
"Tell me about your problems in more detail".
She sighed as she tired to remove a larger chunk of poop from her shoulder; there was a feather in it. Whatever purpose they had, helping them better give her a next twenty lives a clear slate when it comes to Karma!
Sunstreaker sat down a little more discretely and they began to recount their story to the woman.