Chapter Twenty Five
22nd December
1400hrs
"Oh, OH! There is definitely something here! Its very negative! Its very… oppressive! It's not happy you've laid your city over its property! It views this place as its own! You and your companions have desecrated its resting place!! It wants you to leave!"
She held her hands up in the air like she was reaching up for some invisible fruit above her. She spun around to face them then dropped to the ground.
"Oh mother Earth, oh Gaia, tell me what I need to know to assist your friends in appeasing the angry force that torments them with its unruly and nasty ways!"
She held her arms above her head her hands in point.
"OH earth goddess, I beseech thee, MOTHER!"
She screamed as she thrust her hands down into the soil.
She was full of shit of course, she didn't operate like this, but what did they know?
They were watching her intently, amazed at her composure and her apparent ability to "commune" with the mother planet. While her hands were still buried within the stiff winter soil she rocked herself side to side moaning as if she were lying in bed with a lover.
Squeezing her eyes shut she craned her head up and opened her mouth to scream, or what the metallic beings thought she was to scream, she didn't.
"Yes mother".
She whispered.
"Of course mother".
Her head flopped forward and she began groaning again.
"MOTHER!!!"
She roared as she flicked her hands up, clumps of dirt, a series of roots and a solitary worm flew up and nailed Sunstreaker in the groin.
"Gives new meaning to the term "sod piece", huh, bro?"
Sideswipe started laughing hysterically.
"Oh would you shut up!"
He replied as he slapped his more jovial twin upside the head.
"So, what do we gotta do to make this thing leave us alone?"
Sunstreaker asked the woman as she stood up in her pee pants.
"Well, for starters you could take me to the nearest clothing depot so I can get something that doesn't remind me of a puppy mill".
"I like puppies".
Sideswipe replied. His brother narrowed his optics.
"Then we need to go get some things to help remove the unsettled spirits. See, usually, if you disturb a spirit you just undistrub it, either by replacing what you took or leaving, but obviously you can't just pack up shop and go relocate, so we're going to have to do a spiritual removal spell. We just encourage the spirit to act like a snail, to discard its old, worn, small shell, and go searching for a nicer, larger one".
"And that bullocks works?"
Sunstreaker asked.
"I've never seen it not work".
Blatant lies.
But they didn't seem to click onto that, she was relieved.
"Okay, so what did the mummy planet tell you?"
Sideswipe inquired.
"She told me that you have annoyed a spirit, and that spirit wants to hurt you for its nuisance, but more to the fact it wants to hurt you so you will get your backsides moving and to appease it. It wants appeasement. Then we can send it on its way".
"What kind of knick knacks do you need to get it packing?"
The red twin followed up with.
"Ah, just get me back into town and we'll go to a shop that specialises in these things".
"And then this damn thing will leave us alone".
"Absolutely. If you read my website you would have seen I offer a 100% guarantee or I will take up all your bad Karma".
More blatant lies.
Sideswipe seemed convinced, transformed and opened his door letting the dirty woman hop in. No way in the Pit that his twin would open himself to a human covered in her own waste and clumps of dirt. She was also smelly.
Man, humans are so gross.
The red twin pulled out of the small forested area by the fence line on the South point of the base and took off towards the large human settlement or "city" as they called them.
1510hrs
"Okay, SnowMoutainSunHappy go in and get your ghost removal stuff".
Sideswipe stated as he opened his door. She didn't correct him on the misuse of her name.
The two lambos were parked outside the Bed, Bath & Beyond store – she explained that they sold beds, baths and things to do with the "beyond" physical plane and they bought it. She had to admit, she was getting good at this lying thing. They watched as she disappeared into the shop, there were quite a number of humans rushing around and Sideswipe recalled there was some kind of human event coming up where they worshipped trees by spending their currency on things no one in their right mind could possibly want or need… waitasec…
"Hey, Sunny?"
"What?"
"Don't humans have physical currency?"
"What the hell are you on about?"
"They don't have credit chips installed in them, right?"
"No, they don't' have credit chips installed him them. Dumbarse".
"Sun, you douche bag! She doesn't have any currency! How can she buy anything if she got no money?"
Sunstreaker was quiet for a moment as he slowly realised what his twin was getting at.
"And not to mention, human shop keeps don't like dirty humans coming in their establishments, and BreezyDogBusiness is filthy as a Decepticon brothel!!"
"So… did we just get…"
"FUCK! WE GOT HORNSWOGGLED BY A DIRTY, WASTE COVERED, OVARY CARRYING FLESHY!!"
Sunstreaker screamed as he transformed and leapt onto the pavement amongst the throng of humans who were carrying assortments of useless items, several of them swore at him, several rushed off, several fell over, thankfully none were splattered.
"Yeah! We better get in after … waitasec… hornswoggled?"
"NOT NOW DOUCHE BOT!"
Sunstreaker ran straight at the large doors, which didn't quite register his appearance and so didn't open, but glass doors were no threat to an Autobot, especially a surly one who's paint job was already compromised!
The smash of glass and the screams, and swears, of those humans behind her told her they'd figured out her game and were giving chase. She shrugged off the opportunity to throw around a few profanities and continued running, barefoot, through the busy and crowded store. She could see a large sign at the back of the shop that indicated the stock room; hopefully she could get out into the loading bay and escape from there into the back lanes of the large city. A toilet suddenly went flying by her head and slammed into a large display of bedding, it bounced off one of the larger singles and then shattered on the floor, the quaint smelly toilet bowl freshener, added for decoration no doubt, skidded across the fall catching an old lady under her heel, she fell, breaking a hip the contents of her old lady purse spilled out of the broken zip. A passerby to the shenanigans reached down and scooped up her wallet.
"HEY! You bastard! Give that back!"
The old woman, although unable to stand, was certainly able to pick up a downed urinal cake and threw it at the escaping thief, she nailed him in the back of the head and he lost balance and fell into a group of children who were poking their hands into the waterbed. Screams from angry parents, upset children, old angry ladies with fractured hips and then a shop assistant who over the loud speaker announced "clean up in isle five".
Snowbird was undeterred by the sudden obstacle and kept towards the back. Sunstreaker of course was now able to see the commotion and the dirty, smelly hippy high tailing it towards the exit.
"SIDESWIPE! GET YOUR AFT AROUND THE BACK OF THE STORE!"
He roared at his twin through their internal communicator.
With a rather large twinge of rage passing through him he kicked the nearest object, the water bed, the mattress, filled with water, disconnected from the base and went flying up into the air before striking the ceiling then becoming a victim to gravity it plunged to the ground where it landed with such force it did what most water bed mattresses filled with water would do when they smacked into the ground after a ten metre fall. It ruptured. A large amount of water spewed out in every which direction, knocking over more old ladies and anyone else who wasn't quick enough to jump out of the way of the small inside tsunami. The base of the bed didn't go as high, but it went a further distance. The clerk at the back of the shop where lay buys were processed saw what was coming his way, in all his breaking voiced glory, pimples and greasy hair he jumped out of the way with a equally girly scream, his adolescent development forgotten. The base of the bed smashed into the cash registered and through a large panel that divided the shop from the stock room.
And it was about that time the looting started.
Sunstreaker ignored the humans clambering about the ruining shop for the small pieces of paper and other shiny objects that grabbed their attention like some kind of crowbot. What he should have been doing was paying attention to where he was going, with so many little creatures and their little possessions and little thingies about the place, he didn't think to keep an eye on where is feet were going, so when he put his foot down once again in his pursuit of the dirty hippy lady he landed on a trolley. Ordinarily it would not have taken his weight, had he completed the movement and crushed it under foot as it ventured to the ground, instead the metal handle bar poked him and it caused him to hesitate which resulted in the wheels taking enough mementos to cause him to slip. He fell backwards and while doing so heard many a human scream – he hoped against hope that he didn't land on any, not out of any concern for their lives but out of concern for the mess and stench they tended to leave when they were dispatched in such a downward motion.
Thankfully, for everyone concerned, Sunstreaker didn't take out any humans in his fall. He just lay there staring up at the ceiling, a few good Cybertronian swears passing over his lip components.
"See what its like you nickel plated bastard! I hope you bust your fucking arse bones and have to end up pissing into a bag for the rest of your life you ungrateful fridge magnet!"
Sunstreaker turned his head to see who was dissing him and found the old lady with the fractured hip lying a few metres to his left at optic level.
She tossed her cane at him. It got him in the optic. It hurt.
"You saggy bitch!"
He growled as he sat up and turned to face the grumpy human female.
"Oh yeah? What you gonna do sissy boy? You think you're scary? You're yellow for fuck's sake! What sort of fucking robot is yellow? Are you some kind of Nancy boy? Is that it? Are you a robosexual?"
She yelled at him, her dentures moving unnaturally within her mouth, evidencing that they were not well fitted… or not hers.
He was inwardly surprised at her insults towards him and actually respected her for her bravery, or perhaps it was stupidity… or what was it that struck Sparkplug? Senility? He couldn't be sure. But what he was sure of was the damn dirty stinkin' hippy ape was out of the store. Hopefully Sides could grab her.
Sunstreaker was up on his feet and running towards the back of the store, pushing out of his way all manner of human merchandise, and the occasional human. He tore through the back wall and into the stock room; most of the shelving had collapsed from the various shockwaves his falls and antics had caused to rattle through the place. The back loading doors were wide open and a truck was parked there, tilted on its side against the concrete level. There were no humans anywhere. Just a lot of mess. He could hear the human masses really start to get into mischief, and his audios quickly alerted him to the sounds of sirens. The human authorities were on their way, and if they showed up and got a good look at him, well, that colossal prick Magnus wouldn't be happy.
"SIDES!"
He roared as he stepped outside the large doors.
"I lost her, Sunny, that dirty human has given us the slip".
"FUCK!"