Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight what so ever….Or the Weakest Link. Or Baywatch. Or Milk Bones. Or Newton's Law on Gravity. Or EZ tip Calculator. Or TI Inspire.
Author's Note: So, we were rereading the part in New Moon when Edward leaves and Sam finds her (who doesn't read that part multiple times, just to take it all in). And that got us thinking (which isn't a good thing…most of the time)…This is the result.
We promise to go back and tell you what happened with the toddler versions of everyone's favorite average teen, her vampire boyfriend, and her wolfy BFF forevers, in the next chapter.
This will also explain Sam's paperclip and his paranoia.
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"Bella, no." Edward backed up away from her as she tried to cling herself to him.
Originally she had attached a large magnet to his pants to keep him with her, but that only resulted in him losing his pants in a terrible (Well, maybe not terrible) pants losing accident. Which involved a toothbrush, fourteen barracudas, and toaster…but that's a story for another day.
Anyway. So there Bella stood, hands outstretched waiting for her lover to take her back in his arms. But Edward denied her. Telling her no and that she sucked like a sucky person.
"Edward, how can you say that?" Tears filled her eyes. "We all know that you're the one who sucks in this relationship!" She shouted, feeling the tension in the air.
How could he confuse her and him? Wasn't it obvious that he was the bloodthirsty vampire in this relationship? Though yesterday she did chew on some raw meat just for fun. It had become a hobby of hers. But that was beyond the point.
"No, Bella, no!" Edward turned. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." He ran away into the sunset like in Baywatch. He ran in slow-motion away from her, swinging his hair and letting out a chuckle. It was heartbreaking to Bella. But, dang, did he ever look good!
"Edward!" Bella cried. No response. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" She collapsed to the ground and rolled up into fetal position.
"Find a happy place. Find a happy place." She imagined a meadow with herself and Edward frolicking through it. Dancing and sparkling, for some people, in the sunlight until twilight was nearly taking over. Then Mike-
She abruptly stopped. "WHY IS MIKE NEWTON IN MY HAPPY PLACE? Paradise lost!" She bawled herself to sleep.
--
"I dare say, I do believe I've misplaced my spawn once more." Charlie pulled the pipe he'd been smoking from his mouth. "How shall I proceed in relocating my offspring?" He asked Billy.
"Well," He stroked his chin. "Whenever Jacob goes missing I just leave a box of Milk Bones outside the door and suddenly he returns. He always had a strange fetish with those dog treats and drinking from the toilet…I don't understand why." Billy shrugged.
"Hmm…Bella does enjoy eating raw meat as of lately. Maybe we should leave some out for her." Charlie nodded. "Yes, that's it."
But before the two could put the raw meat on the porch, Sam and his peeps walked through the door.
"We're having a scavenger hunt!" Paul exclaimed. Jared nodded.
Sam silenced them. "The reason we're here is we needed to see if you had a," Sam paused to read his paper. "A paperclip."
Billy shook his head no. "Sorry. We don't."
Jacob at that moment hopped into the room. "Did you say scavenger hunt?" Paul nodded. "Awesome! I'll call everyone in La Push and everyone in Forks that happens to know Bella and we'll play."
"I have a brilliant idea." Charlie stood, repositioning his pipe. "Why don't you add my lost spawn to that list."
Paul shrugged. "Okay." They scribbled down Bella Swan at the end of the list.
--
Once everyone had arrived, they began.
Sam trudged through the forest around La Push searching for an item from the list. Everything was terribly hard to find in a forest.
A pinecone, a leaf, a piece of bark, a woodchuck, a pine needle, Edward Cullen's pants, among other things were currently plaguing Sam's current life. I mean seriously. Where was he going to find a leaf here?
He heaved a sigh and proceeded through the woodlands.
It had been about an hour when he heard a voice. "He's gone…he's gone…and all I have is Mike Newton….how cruel?"
"Hmmm…" Sam thought the voice was familiar. As if he'd heard it once or twice. Oh well. It wasn't a pinecone. Those don't talk.
He continued onward, leaving behind the voice. Hmm…Pinecooooonnneeee… Ppppiiiiinnnnneeecooonnne…Sam need a pinecone.
Nothing was popping out at him. Until…
Mike Newton fell threw the trees, hitting every branch as he cascaded to the forest floor below. Landing at Sam's feet, Mike grumbled something about Jacob, cookies and a fern.
"AHHH! Newton's law of gravity!" Sam yelled and scampered off.
Sam scurried until he saw something shimmering in the little light still present in the woods. It was beautiful.
He reached for it, grasping on to it and lifting it up. He held it at eyelevel.
A paperclip.
"HE'S GONE!" The voice wailed once more. "Why? Why?"
Sam examined the shining metal. "Do you know what's crying?" He held the paperclip up to his ear. "You do?" He looked surprised. "Well, show me!" He tossed the paperclip in the direction of the howling creature.
"Ow!" The metal struck the pain stricken creature. "He's gone! And now the squirrels are mocking me by throwing paperclips!"
Sam followed the clip finding its target. "BELLA!" He yelled, joyously.
"Who the heck are you?" Bella said with a lot of sass for a girl who had just been left by the love of her life.
"I'm Sam Uley." He reached out his hand for the paperclip she was holding, but she took the motion, as he wanted a handshake. He wiped his hand down his pants after she let go.
"Oh, Sam…I don-" Amnesia! "Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Sam Uley." He reached out his hand once more for the paperclip.
Amnesia!
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Sam." He reach- Amnesia!
"Who the heck are-" She asked once more. Amnesia!
"Who-" Amnesia!
"Whoa," Sam put his hand on his forehead. "That was weird."
"Who the heck are you?" She asked again.
"I'm Sam Uley." He held out his hand for the paperclip again. But, like before, she shook his hand. He wiped his hand once more. "Can I have the paperclip?" He decided to be blunt.
"Umm…sure." She handed him his coveted paperclip. His lucky paperclip. It knew all and he must obey the paperclip.
"Thank you." He placed the paperclip in his pocket. "Now, let's get you back so that I can win the scavenger hunt." He lifted her. "Hi ho! Cheerio!"
They ran off through the forest. Bella, in Sam's arms, was being pelted with branches and leaves. They smacked her face very hard, leaving bright red marks.
"Ow! He's gone!" She remembered and sobbed. "And the last time I saw him he was pantless and doing the Baywatch run!"
Sam stopped running. "We're here, beautiful."
"Did you just call me beautiful?" Bella asked in a whimper, but hopeful someone still loved her.
"Heck no! I was talking to Pap. Pap Er Clip. My best friend." He dropped Bella to caress the Pap.
Bella stood. "My god, Emily. I'm sooooo sorry." She muttered as she walked in her house. Sam followed her, still petting his lovely paperclip.
Bella came through the door.
"Look who I found, guys!" Sam yelled, holding Bella's hand up. "How many points is that?"
Paul glanced at Jacob, who shook his head.
"Actually, Sam." Paul started. "You own us points now. 'Cause we got to take care of her and her whining now!"
"Are you for serious?" Sam sounded disappointed, letting Bella's arm drop.
"For seriously." Paul replied.
"Aww…how many do I owe you?"
Paul looked at Jacob. Jacob shrugged.
"Six billion." Paul said. Sam's mouth dropped open.
"Well…umm…I found the paperclip." He held up Pap. "See. How much is that worth?"
Paul and Jacob conversed again.
"Twelve billion. You're currently in the lead." Paul congratulated.
"Yay!" Sam jumped up with joy, knocking Bella over in the process. She tumbled to the ground, curling into fetal position once more.
"Gone!" She had forgotten again. Maybe it was due to all that random amnesia her and Sam had been suffering from when she was asking for his name. Oh well, she had rocking and thumb sucking to do.
Sam was in the middle of his happy dance when Jared walked through the door, holding a piece of bark and a leaf.
Everyone, except Bella, gasped in complete and total disbelief. It was quite clear Jared was far too good at this game.
He must be some kind of woodland god. Sam thought as he gapped at the leaf and bark. A great woodland god.
Jake giggled. Tee hee…italics. (His love for italics began early…later his obsession)
"Hold on." Paul walked over to Jared. "Let me calculate your points on my EZ tip calculator." Paul pulled out his cell phone and began to add a twenty percent tip split between forty people on his phone.
Jacob was getting really antsy. He pulled a box of Milk Bones he stashed at Bella's house for when he was over and began to shove them down. They tasted so good like rice cakes.
"Oh my god!" Paul cried as he typed on his phone. "This is ridiculous!"
"Yeah," Jared sounded annoyed. "You're using an EZ tip calculator to figure out my total. Everyone knows those calculators suck."
Everyone, but Jacob, because his mouth was full of Milk Bones, and Bella, who was graveling on the floor still, gasped.
Paul was the first to come around. "Then what do you suggest we use."
"This!" Jared pulled out the TI Inspire, the newest graphing calculator in the Texas Instrument family.
Mike, who had just arrived, fainted at the beauty beheld in front of him. The TI Inspire was a calculator like no other. And now it would be put to the test.
Paul snatched the calculator and began to press buttons furiously. It was a nail biter, but ten seconds later the winner was announced.
"Because they had superior items to the rest…and they didn't bring us the crying and sobbing girl," Paul glared at Sam, who looked innocent. "Jared is the winner with 5323543254235 points from his piece of bark and a leaf!"
"Yay!" Jared did a happy dance.
"You're all out to get me, aren't you?" Sam looked terrified, knowing he'd just lost. It wasn't right. They wanted to kill him. To destroy him. They wanted to eat his babies and make a blanket out of fur. They wanted Pap Er Clip.
Sam growled. He was on to them. They shall never defeat him…he would stop them.
At that moment, Emily skipped through the door, holding a piping hot pan of muffins.
"I baked muffins!" She sang as she skipped around. She eventually got over to Sam, who was still growling. "Oh goodie!" She reached and took the paperclip from Sam's pocket. "Now I can paperclip those papers together. Thank you, honey." She kissed his cheek.
"WHAT?" She had taken it. She was pure evil. This woman was the mastermind behind it all. Her and her muffins. She was going down.
He chased her out of the room.
"Bella!" Edward called. "Bella!"
Bella stood, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Over here, Edward." She waved.
It took him ten minutes to reach. Dang the Baywatch run was slow.
"Bella, I can say." Her eyes lit up. He was going to tell her he was sorry. "I need pants back. It's so awkward doing this run without them."
"Oh," Bella was saddened. "Jacob is wearing them." They both look at Jacob.
"Jacob, give me my pants!" Edward ran, slowly and in slow-motion, towards him.
"Ha, I'm your pants, Edward." Jacob said. "Wait-" He shuddered. "Ewww…."
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Author's Note: Sorry, I meant to update sooner, but I've been busy. So how about I have a stalker now…Yup, he follows me around and keeps trying to ask me out. He's such a creeper. So, yeah. Hope you've all been well. :D