Disclaimer: Copyrights to Twilights
Disclaimer: Copyrights to Twilights? Are they owned by me? NO. Or anything Debussy related. Or the song Low. Or T-Pain. Or Flo-Rida.
Author's Note: This is kind of a Breaking Dawn parody. It's supposed to take place during the scene when Edward first hears Renesmee's thoughts while she's still in the womb. Also Renesmee is using her power to put thoughts in Bella's head.
Oh yes, anytime there's italics, they're Renesmee's thoughts that Edward can hear…and possibly Jacob due to his italics sense….tee hee.
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Bella hummed a tune, letting the melody carrying her away, as she sat on the Cullen couch. She placed her hand on her swollen stomach, gently rubbing it to comfort her precious baby.
This was wonderful. Bella-though she had only gotten pregnant twelve minutes ago- she looked as if she was eight and half months pregnant. Definition: The freaking mutant hybrid of a child was nearly fully-grown was going to bust- literally- out soon.
Oh my sweet God! Will someone please get me out of this God forsaken woman!
Edward walked into the room. He had left to retrieve more A negative blood. It was the mutant's favorite. "Oh my God!" He ran over to Bella, body-slamming Rosalie out of the way.
"What?" Bella exclaimed.
"Bella, I think I just heard our little mutant's thoughts!" Bella smiled widely.
"Yay! What did it say?" Bella looked excitedly at Edward, awaiting the reveal of her child's thoughts.
I said, Edward if you don't get me out of here in the next fifteen minutes, I'm punching your wife in the kidney.
Jacob- who was standing the corner- started to have a spasm. "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I've been betrayed by my lover- I mean- Edward! He's fallen for his stupid mutant instead of me! Why? Why would fate do this to me? I mean, I've always been a good shape-shifter…I bathe- most times. I clean up after myself when I have an accident on the carpet. I'm a good doggie…"
Jake looked sad, tears filling his eyes. Edward was the only person-well, being- that understood him. He was…Edward was…He was almost as good as italics. Yeah, he said it.
But now, it was over.
Edward read Jacob's thoughts, and sighed. He finally realized it was over between them. Lifting the car keys, he tossed them to Jake.
"Go. I need to be with my mutant child- that I love more than you- and my wife." Edward hit Jacob in the face when he tossed the keys.
They hit him square in the nose, causing Jacob to breakdown. "Why?" Jacob ran off to find someone to love him.
Edward turned back to Bella on the couch; who was sitting wide-eyed and confused.
"Umm…that was weird." Bella remarked. "But oh well. Jacob is going to realize he loves the mutant just as much as the rest of us by the end of this. So anyway, back to you hearing this thing's thoughts."
"Oh," Edward remembered. "It said it wants entertainment."
How the heck did you get entertainment out of 'get me the heck out of here'? God, you're so stupid…
"Entertainment?" Bella looked down at her stomach, patting it lovingly. "Ok, do you want to hear some music?"
The decided to give in and go along with the entertainment, it was better than nothing. Heck yes, I do! Play me some of that funky music my sexy Jacob is always singing!
"It wants to listen to some Debussy." Edward walked over to the stereo and began to fiddle with the buttons and soon the smoothing melody of Debussy filled the air. Edward smiled; Claire De Lune, a favorite of his and Bella, was the selection.
"Aww…" Bella swayed with the music, it was so peaceful and lovely.
What the heck is this crap? I said funky music my sexy Jacob sings! He so totally doesn't sing this! Ugh, I think I'd force him to un-imprint on me if he did. God, change this.
"You don't enjoy it?" Edward looked puzzled and bit hurt. What the heck kind of child was this? Oh yeah, it wasn't a child. It was mutant. That explains everything.
Bella, unable to hear the thoughts, cocked her head. "But Edward, I am enjoying this."
Edward, I command you to shut up this annoying crap you call music and play me some Flo-Rida and T-Pain. I WANT obnoxious rap!
"Not you. The mutant."
"Oh." Bella understood. "What does it want to listen to?"
"Some kind of crap Jacob sings." Edward crossed his arms.
If you don't turn off this crap this instant, somebody's going start breaking some ribs. Bella, tell him to stop this madness.
The mutant touched its hand to the inside of Bella's womb, giving her the thought of stopping the music. It was almost like mind control. Bella automatically stood and walked over to the stereo, she pressed stop.
Yes, do as you are told…I will forever control your life. Muh ha ha ha!
"Why did you do that?" Edward went to turn the music back on, but he halted once he heard another threat.
NO, ED! I bending my knee for a good, strong kick to the side of the gut!
Edward's finger hovered over the play button.
You asked for it. The mutant touched Bella's womb again. Bella, I'm sorry, but I need you to writhe in pain. The baby kicked her mother causing a searing pain to be racked through Bella's body.
"Ooo…that's painful." Bella stated, not too fazed by the blazing ache spreading throughout her body. She loved her little mutant too much to care about the pain. She could handle it for the most part.
"Oh no! Bella!" Edward threw his hands in the air. "Please, stop mutant baby! This is horrible!" Edward fell to his knees.
Oh fine. Just play the darn music!
Edward nodded and put on the song Low. The tune blasted through the entire Cullen home, calling all the wannabe gangstas in the house. Namely Emmett and Carlisle. But then they realized that they were supposed to be hunting during this scene, so they had to try REALLY hard and stay away from the music.
Oh yeah! This is my jam! The hybrid began to dance inside her mother. And with every movement she snapped another bone in the vicinity of her. Dance, Bella, dance.
Bella began to dance around the room at the mutant's command. "Ow. Yeah. Ow. Woo. Ow."
Edward stood with his arms crossed across the room, until Bella starting doing the Charlie Brown, and then he knew he needed to step in.
"Alright, enough!" Edward grabbed his wife and sat her down on the couch; she continued her dancing the entire time.
What? What? You won't let me boogie? What kind of father are you, Ed? Oh, oh. You know what? That just cost your wife a crack in her pelvis!
Bella cringed as the child inside of her smashed her pelvis with her baby foot.
"Oh, that's a good, strong baby." Bella praised the child. She then felt another sharp, tense pain in her lower stomach. "Ooo…that's a good boy."
Boy?! Oh, that's it; you're getting punched in the kidney!
"No!" Edward yelled. "Please don't punch my wife in the kidney!"
"Who?" Bella looked perplexed.
Fine. I'll punch you in the kidney, once I bust out of here!
At that moment, Jacob returned from his attempting-to-imprint-on-anything-that-looks-like-a-female session.
"Hey, everybody! What's shaking? I'm in such a good mood right now because I realized that I can't imprint on anyone and I'm genetically dead like Leah! Yay!" Jacob cheered. "And I heard a lot of italics, so I decided to drop back in!"
Oh my freaking God! He's so incredibly sexy! Edward stepped in front of Bella's view of Jacob, thus blocking the mutant's view. Darn it, Ed! Move out of the way! I'm looking at my future hubby!
Edward continued to stand in the way.
The baby pressed its hand to the inside of Bella's stomach. Take out, Edward. Now! Bella plowed Edward out of the way.
"Take that, Edward! Ha ha!" Bella jumped up and down, tossing the baby around in her belly.
OHMYGOD! The baby did a flip. I'm going to kill you all. Except for my sexy Jacob…Yeah, I guess I'll keep him.
"Oh no you won't!" Edward picked himself up from the floor and went to stop the fetus before it could destroy the world.
I WANT OUT NOW!
"NO!" Edward denied it. "You can't be born for another ten seconds. You've only been a fetus for twenty minutes!"
I'm pulling the plug on this crap! The baby grabbed a hold of the placenta and snapped it. For a moment it couldn't breathe, then the baby remembered it was half-vampire so it could hold its breath for a while. But that didn't stop Bella from freaking.
Bella vomited blood. "AHHHH! Labor!"
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Fourteen minutes after birth, Renesmee was the size of a three-year-old and sitting on Jacob's lap in the living room.
Edward lay on the floor in pain after receiving the punch to the kidney Renesmee had promised him earlier.
"Ouch, you punched in the kidney!" Edward rolled around on the floor. Jacob and Renesmee ignored him.
"Jacob, can you sing me some of that funky music?" She asked with love in her eyes.
"Only if you sing with me." Jacob set her on the floor and they started to rock out.
(To the song Low by Flo-Rida)
"Them cut off sweatpants
And no Reebok's 'cause they're snapped ('cause they're snapped)
Turned around and gave Jared a big booty slap (hey)
They hit patrol (they hit patrol)
Next thing you know
Jacob got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low"
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Author's Note: So, yeah…SATs went lovely if you're wondering…maybe I'll get into college. Oh well…Anyway, Yay for less than a month until the movie!