Disclaimer: We still, though it has been awhile, do not own Twilight. Sad, isn't? Not really…Or Clue Jr. Or Deal or No Deal. Or Howie from Deal or No Deal. Or Pimp My Ride.
Author's Note: I am so incredibly sorry this took so long! And that I didn't reply to everyone's last reviews! I honestly meant to reply months ago, but I got busy… I feel horrible about it… :( The guilt has been eating away me…I'm not sure anyone cares, but I'm going to review my life in the past few months in a sentence. Ready? Still being stalked, got a state medal cross-country, was accepted into three colleges, saw the Twilight movie, wrote a six page senior paper, was named most outstanding in my cross country division, and started sucking at Calculus. Yup…
Anyway, here's a chapter that's been floating around for months now…
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Renesmee stood waiting. Jacob should have been there minutes ago. Some imprinter he was, always leaving his imprintee waiting and alone. Renesmee huffed some air, crossing her arms. At that moment, Jacob came around the turn, his foot pressing down hard on the pedal.
Nessie! He thought excitedly as he turned the corner. Not even caring to put the car in park, he threw himself from the car to get to her faster. Falling to his knees, bowing to her eighteen-year-old sized feet, he praised her.
"Nessie," He bowed and kissed her feet. "I am not worthy." She rolled her eyes.
"No, you're not." She sassed back. Nessie kicked him, a sign of her affection in his eyes. How could she be so kind to him, when he was clearly not worthy enough to be in her presence? "Get up." She ordered.
It was then that Jacob noticed his precious Rabbit had skidded into the river surrounding the Cullen home. But he didn't care; Renesmee was better than any car that he had slaved over for months trying to find the correct pieces to build his beautiful machine. Renesmee had boobs, enough said.
"You're car is in the river." Renesmee pointed towards it, but Jacob's eyes never moved from her.
"That's okay." He said with a dreamy expression on his face. "She is nothing…"
"You know," Renesmee looked at Jacob drooling on the ground, groveling at her feet. "Speaking of cars…I think I want someone to pimp my ride."
Magically, a random person – who conveniently was hiding in an earshot of Renesmee – heard her request. "You want to pimp your ride?" The man ran over and grabbed her hand.
Nessie nodded. "Sure do!"
"Great!" The man cheered. "Let's pimp your ride. Where is your car?"
Renesmee shook her head. "I don't drive a car…I ride a werewolf-"
"Shape-shifter!" Jacob corrected, scowling. "It's a touchy subject."
"A shape-shifter then. Him, to be exact." She motioned towards Jacob on the ground, who looked very confused.
"Are you talking about me again?" Jacob's eyes widened. The precious goddess from above had acknowledged him once more today! What? What had he done to be so blessed?
"Alrighty! Let's pimp – What's your name, kid?" The host of the show 'Pimp My Ride' asked Renesmee.
"Renesmee." She said rolling her eyes. She was a prized goddess. How dare he not know her name! He would be beheaded in about twelve seconds for his slip up…
"Okay, Renesman."
Oh, he's totally getting the guillotine for that one. I am NOT a man. Renesmee grumbled in her mind, glaring.
The host smiled, reaching over to grab Jacob, so he could be pimped out. "Come on! We must meet the Pimp Master of Forks!" The host rushed away, while dragging Jacob behind him. Jake really didn't want to leave his beautiful, wonderful Nessie.
"NOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PIMP!" Jacob yelled, as he was drug away from his girl – or at least he thought she was a girl until just a few seconds ago. "AND RENESMAN!" She turned towards to look at his worthlessness; it burned her retinas. Why did he imprint on her again? Oh right, he totally had a secret love affair with Edward. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GIRL!"
Twelve and half seconds later – after the host dodged the flying mallet Renesmee threw at him for the Renesman comment – they reached the Pimp Master of Forks' home. Jacob was surprised – and a bit disappointed – to find out it the Pimp Master lived at the Clearwater's house. He had been hoping it was Edward…he liked Edward…
The host rapped on the door. Ripping down the door, he stood on it and did his literal rapping on the door. "Word, fo-chizzle. We, homeskittets, wanna talk to the the the-" He kept saying 'the' for rapping effect. "PIMP MASTER!" He went on beat boxing.
As he did, Leah arrived at the doorway, where front door used to be. "Oh God! Not another one of them!" She groaned, seeing Jacob trying to escape. He had his hands over his eyes, using the theory if I can't see them, they can't see me.
"Oh no, you don't!" The host stopped beat boxing and grabbed Jacob.
"No!" Jacob tried to fight him off. His Renesmee sense was tingling. She was doing something important, like getting the mail or playing Clue Jr. That's her favorite game! That and Deal or No Deal. Maybe his could use Renesmee's board game love to his advantage. "NO DEAL!" He started shouting. "NO DEAL!"
"Do I look like Howie to you?" The host asked, forcing his face into Jacob's.
Jacob squinted his eyes. "Well, if you close one and have that filmy white stuff over the other…yeah," He nodded. "You kind of do."
"Get in there." The host tossed Jacob inside – knocking Leah over in the process – to meet the Pimp Master of Forks face to face. "Please come in, Mr. P – I – M - P."
At that moment, The Pimp Master strutted his way into the Clearwater's living room, looking flawless and sexy with two beautiful ladies flanking either side of him. The Pimp Master posed.
"AHH!" Jacob cried, covering his eyes. "He's naked!" He curled up into fetal position trying to avoid looking at the man.
"Hi, everybody!" A bright and happy voice rang throughout the room. Everyone in the room, besides Jake, knew who the Pimp Master was and now even Jacob knew.
"Seth!?" Jacob glanced up confused. How – and more importantly, why - did Seth get all the women? Why do the fangirls just flock to that happy go-lucky, punk? This is completely unacceptable.
It was then Jacob remembered the reason why all his fangirls left…he imprinted on a baby…which was kind of creepy…and also Seth has candy, so why not love him?
"Hi, Jake!" Seth let go of one his women to wave.
"You're the Pimp Master of Forks!?" Jacob nearly shouted. "And why aren't you wearing any pants?" He added, more quietly.
"Because I'm the only pimp in town. And two, I am wearing pants. You're just imagining things." Seth hugged his ladies to his chest.
Ah, Jacob thought randomly having an epiphany about why all of his ladies were gone.
Jacob being taken off the market because of the whole imprinting on a newborn infant thing was the best thing that has ever happened to Seth. It was like having Christmas and Flag Day all at the same time! Now, he got both his own fangirls, plus Jacob's.
Jacob gasped (delayed reaction), again realizing how Seth got all the girls…they were formally his fangirls. Why cruel world did he imprint? And on a man none the less…Darn you, Renesman!
"Now that you've had your whole realization on why I'm so sexy narrative. Jacob, it's time for you to become a pimp like me!" Seth smiled, waving for his women to go retrieve his pimping wear. "Renesmee is going to be so happy when we're finished pimping her ride!"
Seth's – formally Jacob's – women reappeared with his pimping supplies. He had a large gold medallion, a pair of baggy, black, basketball shorts, a oversized shirt, multiple, obviously large rings, and a fur, white hat. The entire outfit looked completely and utterly ridiculous. Jacob shuddered, finally understanding he would have to look like that to please his goddess.
"Now, Jake," Seth began, smiling to show off his gold-plated grill. "You've gotta be good to the ladies and they ladies will be good to you." Seth hugged his women again.
"Umm…Seth, yeah…about being a pimp. I really don't want to be one…can we just fake it or something?" Jacob admitted; he only really loved Edward and occasionally Renesman. Even since he found out she was a he; he couldn't look at her the same.
"Suit yourself…I personally enjoy your fangirls…there much more energetic than mine." Seth grinned, revealing his grill again. "Ladies," He addressed them. "Go get some of my funky fresh extra clothing." They nodded.
Leah, at last, spoke up again in this chapter. "Funky fresh…dear Lord, you've all lost your freaking minds. Jacob, STOP LAUGHING AT THE ITALICS!" Jacob continued to snicker. She stood to leave the room. "You all need some serious help…like now."
"Bye, Leah!" Seth and Jacob waved.
"Come back and play with us again!" Seth added. "We miss you when you're not in chapters." Jacob said at the same time as Seth.
A few minutes later, Jacob was dressed in his massive, loose fitting shorts, huge, black sweatshirt (which was saying something), a large clock around his neck, an array of varying rings, a baseball style cap – worn sideways, and a glittering set of grillz on his teeth. He looked fantastic (giggle from Jacob) – Oh, who am I kidding? He looked pretty freaking scary.
"Perfect," Seth gazed over his handy work. The host of 'Pimp My Ride' nodded in agreement.
"Sweet!" The host emphasized, as he received a strange look from Jacob. It was like a look of love or something.
"There's just one last thing." Jacob looked at Seth, who was dialing the phone. "You need to get the final approval from the Head of Pimping in the Mythical World. Oh yeah, you also are going to need some women to hang all over you and be like 'I love you.' and 'Do you know how freaking sexy you are when you're just in your boxers?' And so and so forth…LEAH!?" Seth shouted for her. There was pause and then he called some else as well. "MOM!?"
Leah groaned and returned. "I hate you all." She went over and draped herself over Jacob, he giggled. Leah was hugging him… "You're so sexy in your boxers…" She mumbled.
After Jacob got over his giggle fit of being hugged by Leah, he asked the question he almost forgot because there was so much other narration in-between himself and when Seth told him he'd have to get approved by some guy. "Who? And does your Mom really have to be one of my ladies?"
"Okay, fine. Sorry, Mom!" Seth bellowed to her. There was a disappointed sigh upstairs. Jacob hugged Leah again; she smelled like daisies. "Oh and it's Arizzle. You may know him as Aro Volturi."
Both Leah and Jacob gasped, but then realized they were miles away and it really didn't matter either way. Jacob nodded for Seth to give him the phone.
"Hello," Aro greeted. "How can I be of assistance? Anyone you want slaughtered? Any immortal children to be destroyed? Do you just want to talk?"
Jacob swallowed. What could he say? He couldn't be too blunt; that would be disrespectful. And so, he said, "I'm a pimp worthy for my sexy, half-breed woman?"
"Who are you?" Aro questioned.
"Jacob Black…I'm a shaper-shifter…" He spoke hesitantly, trying not to insult him.
"HECK YES! Shape-shifters are known pimps! That's why Caius is so determined to get rid of them and all werewolves, their impeding on his business of sexiness!" Aro replied happily; not the least bit insulted.
"YAY!" Jacob cheered, hanging up the phone.
Aro listened as the phone was hung up without any good-bye. "Oh, he's going down now…that was completely disrespectful and rude." Aro loaded the rocket launcher he had stolen off of Esme last time he was in Forks. "Here comes, Aro! Ha-Zah!" He jumped off his chair and moved swiftly towards Forks.
"I'm a pimp!" Jacob declared proudly, running quickly away to fetch Leah –who had tried to escape while Jacob made the phone call. She swore under breath. He held her tighter to him.
Sighing, she went on with the charade. "Oh my God. You're so freaking hott." Leah spoke with as little enthusiasm as possible. "How much longer do I have to be your lady?" She asked Jacob.
"Forever! I'm a pimp and you're my babe!" He danced.
"Now, lets go do the whole reveal thing for Nessie!" Seth ran over and grabbed Jake's arm. They skipped to where Renesmee was.
"Hide here," the host threw a blanket over Jacob. "I'll remove it to show the new, pimped out ride she has."
Renesmee was filing her nails. "Finally," she walked over to the host. "Show me my new, pimped out ride!"
"Ready?" The host asked. Renesmee nodded. "One, two, three." He threw off the blanket on Jacob, showing her to Nessie.
"OH MY GOD!" She sobbed. "It's beautiful!" She walked over and began inspecting her polished ride. "I didn't know you could take something so ugly and make it this wonderful! Thank you!"
"Do you want to ride him?" The host pushed Jacob down on his hands and knees, so Renesmee could ride on his back. She nodded.
"Yes!" Renesmee pushed ever-clingy Leah off of Jacob.
"YOU TOLD ME I WAS YOUR LADY FOR FOREVER!" Leah threw her shoe at him. "IT'S OVER! I'M DONE WITH YOU, PIMP MASTA JAKE!"
"Wait!" Jake called after her. "I'm still a ladies man!"
"No," Seth appeared out of thin air. "I stole all of your fangirls." He disappeared again.
"NOOOOO!" Jacob collapsed.
Renesmee hopped on his back. "Go, my pimped out, lady-less ride!" She kicked him.
"The god – or goddess…I'm still not sure if she's or he is a girl or boy. What with Renesman and all - has kicked me! Maybe I am blessed after all! Yay!"
And with that Nessie got her fresh, pimped out ride, Aro became a rocket launcher model, Edward realized – for the first time - he wasn't in the latest chapter, Jasper found out the peanut butter is not actually butter and Seth got all the ladies. The end.
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Author's Note: I'm not sure I like this one, but oh well…I thought I put it up. I've been gone for awhile…Sorry again…
Hope everyone has a fantastic holiday season!
Oh yes, and all the Seth-ness was a request by Seth's Baby…hope you enjoyed it! :D