Author's Note: Hello, once more. Now, that A Cullen Moment has officially ended we wanted to present you all with a bonus feature we like to call, The Cullen Moments That Never Were. This includes pieces and parts of Cullen Moments we started but never finished, as well as the history project that started it all. Yes, the original Cullen Moment. Warning: It's weird. There is one more chapter of Bonus Features as we're calling them. It's actually a chapter we finished, but never posted. Anyway, if anyone wants to adopt and finish any of these pieces, you can send us a message.
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Author's Note 2.0: This first piece is a personal favorite of ours. It takes place during Breaking Dawn, and it kind of amusing
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I Don't own Twilight…Disclaimer: Or AIM.
Author's Note: This is sort of a Breaking Dawn parody of sorts. Yes, Breaking Dawn spoilers are present. Hope you enjoy….
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This is how the real Volturi epic chat scene went…but unfortunately it was cut out for a more face-to-face approach.
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"Edward!" Alice yelled. "Get off AIM! We have a huge crisis!"
"Alice," He typed some random phase on the keyboard in front of him. "I know. That's why I'm inviting the Volturi to be in a chat room with me. Duh."
"Wait," Alice walked in the room. "I saw them coming to attack us. They were in Forks. I know it."
Edward shook his head. "That's because that was their decision when you had the vision. They checked on flight times and prices to get over on this continent and it's out of their budget for terrorizing people this month. So, they sent me a e-mail stating they would like to chat speak it out."
"Oh." A light bulb came on in Alice's head….which was weird…how does a light bulb get in your head? "So, are did they respond?"
"Hold on." Edward started at the computer screen. There was a blip and suddenly a message appeared. 'Arizzle' has accepted your invite.' "Success!" He cheered.
"They said yes?" Alice looked at the screen. "I'll get everyone to log on, so that we can have a massively epic fight chat!" She skipped off.
Ten minutes later, all the Cullens, random vampires that came to help, the wolf pack, the Voturi and Mike were in a chat room. Each group had come to this chat with a mission and they were going to complete it.
And luckily right before this everyone changed their screen names to things that kind of fit them. How convenient?
EddiesTeddie (aka Bella) has signed on.
Mutantlover (aka Jacob) has signed on.
Arizzle: Edskizzle, r u still here, homeskillet?
Even when they weren't supposed to be friends, Aro always was kind enough to use his funky language with Carlizzle's home skillets.
SexierThanJacob: Cha. So let's do diz thing.
Edward was really humble with his name. Can't you tell?
Mutantlover: ROAR!
Arizzle: Yo, word…whatz dat yo?
SexierThanJacob: Oh, that's our resident confused shape shifter. Disregard him…like I do….
Mutantlover: D: You don't love me?
Jacob begins to sob at his computer. This was heartbreaking. But suddenly he realized he never actually loved Edward, he loved Renesmee. So technically he only really loved half of Edward…so that the part that was spurning his affection currently must be the half he wasn't in love him. It makes perfect sense.
Arizzle: Right on! Shape shifters r da bomb!
Mutantlover: :D I love you!
IdontliveinScotland has signed on.
IdontliveinScotland: Jake, I thought you loved me. God!
Mutantlover: Nessie! :O
Arizzle: Holy crap! Like fo-chizzles! U have the Loch Ness Monster your house 2?
EddiesTeddie: Jake, Nessie! Run! Go far away!
Mutantlover: Huh? ^ ^ I want to stay and chit chat…
EddiesTeddie: NO! :( Run for The Hills!
LaurensMan has signed on.
LaurensMan: Hey, Vamp Chick. We've already tried that…I LOVE Lauren!
LaurensMan has signed off.
Mutantlover: I 3 LaurensMan-Oops, sorry- I mean. NO! I won't!
EddiesTeddie: Jake, Renesmee, sign off.
Mutantlover: NEVER!
Mutantlover: What cha going to do about it?
ImdontliveinScotland: God, Mom. Shut up.
Mutantlover: Yeah! :D Tell her, Ness!
ImdontliveinScotland: Shut up, Jake. God, you r SOOOOO annoying….
MutantLover: As you wish, my love! XOXO
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Author's Note 2.0: Next we have an incredibly short piece that we only actually finished the first paragraph of.
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Disclaimer: Ownage of one Twilight. Hmm….(ponders)…I have none that I know of…
Author's Note: Oh yes, I meant to congratulate for marrying my writing about two weeks ago. (Yup, my writing is taken. Sorry.) XD
Anyway this is another chapter inspired by a conversation with our cousin, Erica. Mikayla and her had a tea party with the wolf pack yesterday…it was lovely.
Breaking Dawn stuff….
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Bella and Renesmee sat together on the Cullen couch, counting the windowpanes in the house. Renesmee was up to three thousand four hundred and ninety-two. While Bella had only counted a measly three thousand four hundred and ninety-one; she wasn't trying hard enough.
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Author's Note 2.0: Next involves Dorian Gray. This one isn't really funny at all. We just had it, so we thought we throw it in.
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Disclaimer: I don't Twilight or the Picture of Dorian Gray.
Bella sat reading her favorite new book…ok, so she was reading it for her AP literature class, but hey, she liked it.
Turing each page, reading the words slowly to her self. Renesmee noticed her intent stare on the book, this sparked her interest.
"Momma, what are you reading?" Renesmee gracefully strutted over to her mother.
Bella looked up from the tale she was wrapped in. Smiling she answered her daughter's question. "The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. It's a lovely and charming tale."
Renesmee bit her lip, "Don't half the characters die in the end? Including Dorian."
Bella nodded. "'Course, sweetheart. It wouldn't be a good story if everyone lived happily ever after." Renesmee agreed and hopped up on her mother's lap.
"Can I?" She motioned towards the book. "I do enjoy tales of misery." Bella handed her the book.
Renesmee began to read, but before she could finish her second sentence a voice cut her off.
"
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Author's Note: And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. The original Cullen Moment. This was a dream vacation project Mikayla was doing for history, and during her fifth day on the trip, this is what happened. WARNING (again): This is extremely weird, and doesn't make any sense whatsoever.. It's also told in Mikayla's point of view (because it's her trip).
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Day 5
A werewolf attacked me and I died. My sister realized it was Jacob Black and married him for spite. And I found out I can't die because I'm a vampire. And now I'm out to get her…..
Jacob protected my sister and ripped me apart limb from limb. Then Carlisle yelled "Don't worry I'm a doctor!" and danced his way over to my limbs. But Jasper threw lighter fluid over my body and then Rosalie threw a match at my body. But, Edward jumped into the flames and reassembled me. Then just for spite I married him and Carlisle. We then shot my sister and Jacob to death.
But Jacob took the bullets for both my sister and him. So she didn't get hurt. He then showed us the bulletproof vest he had stolen from Charlie earlier that morning. In case anyone tried to shoot him or her.
I gasped. And Edward, then told me that he didn't love me, that he loved Carlisle and only Carlisle. Jacob then thought it was truth time. He then told Marina that he loved Emmett only. He then hit her with a hidden rocket launcher. And ran to Emmet's side. Then I ran to Carlisle and made Carlisle babies, oh and shot Rosalie with a rocket launcher I keep hidden away.
But before I could shoot Rosalie, Charlie ran out of nowhere and started yelling about how 13 year olds should not be allowed to carry rocket launchers around in their pants. It was the most abused law in Forks. Then Jacob bit the head off of one of my Carlisle babies. And made wolf babies with my sister. But Carlisle got jealous and made babies with her too, just to be even.
But then as everyone was distracted by the baby thing I then pulled out my secret shotgun I have for such times. Then as I shot down everyone, Billy Black came in with his wheels of LOVE. He beat his son….it was a awesome sight for Edward….He cheered them on. Oh and Bella came out and I bit her because I was hungry. Then, I went over to beat Carlisle body and kick Marina.
Jacob was able to break free of his father's loving grip and jumped in front of the bullets saving everyone from death or after death. Bella screaming, apparently she was able to survive and was turning into a vampire. Jasper ran over the threw lighter fluid on her and Rosalie light a match and threw a match at her. Then Mike came out of a tree and asked if we would like some cookies.
We turned to him and decided to put aside our difference and kill him oh and keep the cookies. Jasper used his lighter fueled and Rosalie dropped the match. Then out of nowhere Alice came out screaming she for saw the fight but didn't come till later because Jasper called and asked to pick up some more lighter fluid, he was running low. And Esme followed because she is completely useless.
Esme turned to Marina and asked if those were her wolf babies. Marina said yes. And they began talking about how hard it is to get grass stains out of clothing. Alice then screamed, "I had a vision earlier! Your computer is infected!". Edward screamed and fainted. Carlisle began to dance and said, "Don't worry, I'm a doctor.". Conner screamed and fainted. "Holy molie," Sam yelled. "Carlisle is a doctor! Who knew?"
Jane and Aro jumped over to Esme and Marina. "Hey, is that a wolf baby?" They gasped. "Yes." They replied. "Can we cause it pain?" Then Esme and Marina screamed and fainted along with Jane and Aro. Quil and his girlfriend came.
Clare walked over to the Carlisle and Jacob's babies and got mixed up with then group. Then Phil stole the rocket launcher from Charlie and shot it at the babies. They all blew up and died. Except the ones that were vampires and werewolves, so only Clare died. Quil swore vengeance against the EVIL Phil, who does so much in the book series.
Alice then went over to Ben. Ben was horribly ugly to Alice so she screamed and fainted at his uglylyness. Then, I ran to my Ex-lover Edward's side. And stole Jasper's lighter fluid and Rosalie's match and dropped them on Edward. Then I found out I never opened the bottle or took out a match so instead I took a stick and poke his eye.
Edward screamed and woke up. And Carlisle yelled "Don't worry, I'm a doctor!" Sam replied with, "Holy crap, Carlisle is still a doctor?" Sam screamed and fainted next to Conner and Alice. Quil snuck up behind Phil and kicked him in the calf, but Renee was able to throw Quil to the ground and beat the crap out of him. Quil died suddenly of a heart attack.
James then came out with Leah and their many wolf babies. Then James went over and made out with Billy. The wolf babies joined the many wolf babies. Billy then felt more love for James the Jacob. Jacob needed then a rebound person so he settled for Embry, they made lovely wolf babies.
Marina ran over to Jacob and slapped him for making wolf babies with some else. She was so insulted; she pushed James off of Billy and made wolf babies with him. I got jealous, so I pushed Marina off of Billy and made some little wofies of my very own. James got mad and made love with Edward.
Bella returned from the dead and wanted in on the fun so she jumped on Jasper. Jasper and her made fabulous vampire babies. Then, Marina wanted Billy back and I couldn't fight with the trade she gets Billy I get my Ex-lover Edward. So she made more babies and I pulled James off of Edward and continued the only thing that happens in this story. James got even madder that he lost his rebound man he looked for a new on and only found Emily. So he just gave up and made vampire/human/sky pirate babies with her.
Leah screamed, she had missed all the fun. She kicked Emily, the girl who took everything from her, and made even better babies with James, vampire/werewolf/human/viera/sky pirate/moogle/Mexican babies. Sam woke up and yelled, "Hey world! Carlisle is a doctor!" "Yes, I am." Carlisle replied dancing. Emmett screamed and fainted.
Jacob felt left out and imprinted on Elizabeth. And made babies with her. Edward freaked out because half brothers and sisters. So he pushed me off him to go kill the kids. I was mad because now I needed a re re rebound person so I went to Marcus. I made more vampire babies. The Marina broke away from Billy because she found out she was a werewolf and imprinted on Jacob.
Jacob realized he had just been imprinted on by Marina and said " Forget, Elizabeth. I got a sexy girlfriend now." He unimprinted himself from Elizabeth, and ran over and had make love with Marina again. Elizabeth was feeling left out and looked over at her dashing son, Edward, brutally killing the kids she had with Jacob and decided to make some dashing babies with him. So, she beat Edward and made sixty-seven children with him. Jacob looked over at Edward and realized they had something common now. They both had been beaten by one of their parents. Feeling the connection, Jacob threw Elizabeth off of Edward and began a passionate relationship with him. Resulting in two hundred and twenty-three vampire/werewolf babies. It was true love. They came to the conclusion they neither one really loved Bella, they really loved each. And only followed Bella to be near one another.
And then night fell and everyone screamed and fainted. Except for Elizabeth who remembered she was dead, and threw herself back in her grave. The end of day five. Yeah, it was boring.
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Author's Note: Did you notice all the "Wolf Babies"? This is where our author's came from too. ;) I hope you enjoyed all the pieces and parts. Thank you for reading! :D