A Lesson in Fate Chapter 5: Music and Memories, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do, however, own Adrian, this storyline, and an awesome pair of fuzzy slippers.

A/N: Okay, I want you to do me a favor. Look up "Stay with Me" by Danity Kane. When you reach the part in this chapter where it's mentioned, play it while you read.

Edward's POV

I had dinner almost ready when I heard Bella's truck pull up. I was glad it wasn't the motorcycle. I ran out to meet her so I could carry her luggage in for her. She had brought three bags so she could leave some clothes here. I grabbed them and showed her in.

"Let's get this stuff in your room, then I'll give you a tour of the rest of the house." I took her to the master bedroom and set the bags inside. "You can have this room, and Adrian can have the guest bedroom." Bella gasped as she looked around at the lavish bedroom. I caught a glance at the picture of us out of the corner of my eye. I should have put that away. Too late now.

"But which room is yours?" Bella looked back towards the hallway at the doors.

"Bella, I don't really need a bedroom. I have the whole rest of the house, including the study. As long as you're willing to share the closet with me, I'm all set." I flashed her a smile and tried dazzling her. It didn't work.

"No, Edward. Adrian and I can share the guest bedroom. It's not like we'll ever be here on the same night. I'm not going to kick you out of your bedroom in your own house."

I took Bella by the shoulders and turned her to look at me. This was important for her to understand. "This is your home, too, even if it is only once a week. I want you to have your own space, a room to make your own and feel comfortable in. Besides, you like this room; I could tell the moment you walked in." Bella sighed and her eyes swept the room once more.

"Okay, Edward. You win. It is beautiful." Bella started roaming around the room, taking it all in. My hands missed the contact immediately. When she got to the nightstand with the picture, she picked it up and just stared at it. I walked over to take it out of her hand and she looked at me questioningly, the beginning of tears in her eye.

"I'm sorry. I meant to put that away. Esme put it there. When I questioned her, she said that she loved that picture because I was smiling in it, and she didn't want me to forget how to." I chuckled and tried to hide how sad that had made me. Esme was so worried I would return to how I was when I tried to leave Bella. I attempted to reassure her, but I wasn't sure how. I didn't want to admit my only reason for not falling apart again was because Bella was still in my life in some form. It wasn't a question of remembering how to smile. Smiling was my body's natural reaction to having Bella in close proximity.

"No, Edward, don't hide it on my account. Esme's right. I don't want you to forget how to smile, either." Bella smiled at me, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Alright. At least let me move it to the study. I don't want it to make you uncomfortable." Bella looked pained for a split second, but then it was gone. I got the impression that she wanted to say something, but didn't. She just nodded her head.

"Come on, your dinner is just about ready. Would you like a salad?" I sprinted into the kitchen and talked to her over the large island that divided the kitchen from the living room. She sat down on one of the stools on the living room side of the island.

"You cooked? You didn't have to go to all that trouble. I could have fixed myself something."

"It's no trouble, I wanted to. Besides, I didn't make the ravioli, I bought those at that little Italian grocery store we pass on our way home. The sauce, however, is mine, so you might want to test it before I pour it on your pasta." I took the wooden spoon I was using to stir the sauce and held it out to her. She slurped up a sip and my body involuntarily shuddered. I was thankful she didn't seem to notice. The shudder got worse when she closed her eyes and moaned.

"Mmmmmm, that is delicious Edward. Where did you learn to cook?"

"Food Network," I said simply. I fixed her a plate and set it in front of her. "What do you want to drink? I have milk…soda…red wine? The lady at the store said that it would go nicely." Bella took a bite.

"You bought me mushroom ravioli?" I nodded. I couldn't quite read the expression on her face. "You know what, I think I will have a glass of wine. A small one, though." She shoved another forkful of food in her mouth and started looking around the room, trying not to make eye contact. Maybe the ravioli was a bad idea.

I poured her the glass and she took a large gulp before setting it down. She coughed a little when she swallowed it. It seemed like our nerves were getting the best of us, and I really hadn't meant for this to get so awkward. I picked up the remote for the stereo system and hit play, hoping to lighten the mood.

The other day I saw a car, like you used to drive
I got a funny feeling down deep inside
For the briefest moment I felt a smile again
Yes, I do think about you every now and then

I heard a song on the radio just yesterday
The same one you always asked me to play
And when the song was over I wish they'd play it again
Yes I do think about you every now and then

Been laying here all night, listening to the rain
Talking to my heart trying to explain
Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been
Yes I do think about you every now and then

"Garth Brooks, Edward?"

"Well, I thought you might enjoy it. You seem to listen to a lot of country music lately for some reason." I attempted to make the comment sound off-hand, but we both knew exactly where her newfound interest had come from. She raised her eyebrow at me knowingly and grabbed the remote.

"Yes, but you don't. Let's listen to something we both like."

"Alright, love. Why don't you just put it on shuffle and see what comes up." She flinched when I said 'love' and looked at me, her eyes silently pleading with me. "Sorry. Force of habit, I suppose." I shrugged and recorked the wine.

Bella hit the shuffle button on the remote.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Every time I look at you, Every time I look at you

Bella hit the fast forward button to skip to the next song.

I know, you think that, I shouldn't, still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it, I still would have felt it
What's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make this harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
I won't throw my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love, and always will be

I realized what the problem was right before Bella hit the fast forward button again. It was shuffling only through the current playlist, not the entire library. It was the playlist titled "Bella." "Stay with Me" by Danity Kane started to play.

Raindrops fall from everywhere
I reach out for you but you're not there
So I stood, waiting, in the dark
With your picture in my head
Story of a broken heart

I ran to the iPod base and was reaching for it when Bella stopped me.

"No, let it play," she whispered softly.

Stay with me, don't let me go
'Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me and hold me close
Because I built my world around you
And I don't want to know what it's like without you
So stay with me, just stay with me

I turned slowly back to her and we locked gazes. Tears were falling down her face. I sat down on the stool next to her, afraid to touch her, afraid to speak.

I'm trying and hoping for the day
My touch is enough to take the pain away
Cause I've searched for so long
The answer is clear
We'll be okay if we don't let it disappear

"I used to listen to this song, a lot, after you…left me," she cried.

I've searched over and over
So many, many times
No you and I is like no stars
To light the sky at the night
Our picture hangs in my room
Reminding me of the days
You promised me, we'd always be
And you would never go away
That's why I need you to stay

Stay with me, don't let me go
'Cause I can't be without you
Just stay with me and hold me close
Because I built my world around you
And I don't want to know what it's like without you
Just stay with me, just stay with me
Stay…Don't Leave

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I made so many mistakes." I hung my head, not knowing what else to say. This wasn't the way I wanted this evening to go. Suddenly I felt slender arms wrap around my neck as Bella hugged me to her. I tentatively put my arms around her waist and rested my head on her shoulder as we both drowned in our sorrows.

"I did, too, Edward. You know, I thought we were doing so well, these past several months. We've become such good friends and I thought all this was in the past. Maybe we've just been in denial." I felt Bella's tears land on my scalp and roll down the side of my face, settling in a puddle by my nose, but I couldn't wipe them away. I didn't want to move long enough to do it.

"I started reading your diary, Bella. I couldn't do it until now, but I started reading it and I just started thinking about you and all the regrets I have, and well, the music reflected my mood, I suppose."

Bella pulled away from me to look in my eyes, and my heart screamed at the loss of contact.

"You're just now reading it?"

"Yes. I couldn't before, not around…him. Besides, I wasn't ready to face what I might learn then. But I am now. If you're up to it, I would love to talk to you about it." Bella smiled profusely. I took her hand and led her to the couch, sitting as close to her as I could manage without having her in my lap.

"Okay, Edward, shoot. I'll answer any questions you have." Bella smiled, but scooted a little farther away from me, to what I supposed would be considered a respectable distance for friends.

"Promise?"

Bella nodded. "As long as you promise to do the same. I have a feeling this could lead to some very interesting conversations."

"I agree. Okay, hold on, let me get the book." I ran to the study and grabbed the book in record time. When I sat back down, I was careful to not invade Bella's personal space.

"First question. When did you have this done for me? This isn't the original, I'm certain. So when did you do it?"

Bella took a deep breath before answering. "I had it done a couple of months before we broke up."

"What made you give it to me anyway?"

"I don't know," she whispered, looking down. She was playing nervously with her necklace. I reached out tentatively and touched her chin. I didn't force her to lift her head, but I hoped the brief contact would give her the idea that I wanted to see her eyes. She looked up at me through her lashes.

"I am glad you did." Bella smiled a little. I opened the book to the first earmark.

"You highlighted things? And took notes in the margin?!" Bella stared at me, incredulous.

"Well…yeah," I said, embarrassed. "That's okay, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, of course. It's your book to do with as you please. It just surprises me, is all."

It surprised her that I would take this opportunity seriously? I decided to let that go for now. "The truck. First of all, I really need to apologize for every rude, obnoxious remark I ever said about that truck. I never realized what an emotional connection you had to it."

"Why did you hate it so much, Edward? I mean, I know it was old, and slow, and really loud, but…"

"At first, it was my vanity. I thought any girl of mine should have something shiny and new, something that said 'Edward Cullen loves me and spoils me rotten.' Although I did hate how slow it was, and I wanted you to have something safer. But once I realized that Jacob Black was the one who refurbished it; the truck became yet another tie to him in my mind, and I despised that. That was wrong of me. I was blind to not see how it epitomized Charlie's silent affections for you, and it was wrong of me to mock it so."

"Thank you," she said quietly. "I can see where the connection to Jacob would upset you. I honestly never thought of that."

"I am wondering, though, if perhaps you gave my mocking more weight than it deserved, love. I just want to make sure that when I said the truck was not good enough for you, that what you heard was not 'you're not good enough for me.' Did I make you feel that way, Bella?"

Bella's eyes welled up with tears, but she didn't shed them. "Yes, but not just because of the truck. And it wasn't all because of you, you can't put all that on yourself. It just never seemed possible that I would be good enough for you, that you would love me as much as I loved you."

"I think I'm just beginning to realize that you felt that way. According to your diary, you were occupied with thoughts about me from the first time we met. I was just as obsessed with you, too. If only we'd talked more, we might not have wasted so much time. We just both always seem to come to the worst possible conclusions, much to our detriment."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for example, you felt the same electric current I felt the first time we touched in Biology class. But when you pulled away, you assumed I didn't feel it. I assumed you were repulsed by my cold skin. If only we'd have said something, we would have had at least two more months together. It might not seem like much," my voice lowered to the point I wasn't sure she would have heard me, "but I would give anything for two more months now."

"Edward…" Bella chastised me with a single word.

"You're right, I'm sorry." I shook my head to try and clear it before continuing. "Anyway, I never realized how strong your initial infatuation with me was. It was the same for me, you know. I was only staying away because I wanted to protect you."

"But that was always the problem, wasn't it, Edward? Your need to protect me always drove us apart, even before we were together, it seems." I didn't know how to reply to that, so I thumbed through the pages to the next earmark.

"Oh, yes, the accident. First of all, I am so sorry I made you feel the way I did. I don't want you, for one second, to ever, EVER think that I regretted saving you. It's just not true, Bella. I was worried for your safety, worried about protecting my family's secret, and was trying to explain away my own reasons for doing it, and I went about it entirely the wrong way. I should have trusted you the way I asked you to trust me. I shouldn't have attempted to make you doubt your own recollections, and I shouldn't have been so intentionally cruel and distant. Only now do I realize the trauma I inflicted upon you, and I can never apologize enough. I saved you because I loved you, and I would do it again a thousand times over. There were…certain members…of my family who did not approve of my actions that day. Who thought you were a risk to us. I was distancing myself from you because I thought at the time that it was the best way to keep you safe." Bella looked at her hands, which were wringing in her lap. I decided it was a good time to lighten the mood a little.

"Oh, and by the way, what's this about you ogling my dad at the emergency room?"

Bella looked up at me, confused. "Huh?"

"You were eyeing Carlisle at the emergency room! Your exact words were Dr. Cullen (who is almost as gorgeous as his son)…" I raised my eyebrow at her teasingly and Bella blushed a beautiful, furious shade of red.

"I forgot about that," she said, embarrassed. I laughed heartily and soon she was laughing along with me.

"Alright," I said, shutting the book with a thump. "I think we've had enough of this for one night. Hopefully we can talk about it a little more next week?"

Bella nodded with a chuckle. "It might require more wine."

"It might at that. Let's get our assignments completed, shall we?" An hour and a half later and we were finished with our schoolwork. Bella tried unsuccessfully to suppress a yawn. I stood and offered her my hand to help her up from the sofa.

"Bedtime for the human, I think." She rolled her eyes at me and yawned again before taking my hand and standing.

"Good night, Edward. Thank you for dinner."

"Good night, Bella. Sweet dreams." Bella disappeared into the bedroom. I listened intently as she went about her nightly routine, which I knew oh so well. How many nights had I waited for her in her room while she went through the same series of actions. First she brushed her teeth, then she washed her face. Next she used the facilities and changed her clothes. Finally, she would brush her beautiful hair until it was tangle free. That was the one I waited for, the sound of her setting her brush down on the counter. That was the point at which my angel would return to me. But not tonight. Not ever again. I heard the sheets ruffle as she got comfortable and drifted to sleep.

When I was certain she was sleeping, I snuck into her room and sat in the chair in the corner to watch her. She still looked like an angel when she slept, just as I had remembered. Her sleep was fitful; she tossed and turned. When she reached the point where she usually started talking, I got up to leave. My heart couldn't bear her moaning Jasper's name in her sleep. Not that I wouldn't still be able to hear it, but at least I wouldn't have to have the look on her face burned in my memory as she did. Just as I reached the door, Bella stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Edward…" my angel murmured, "Not again. Please, not again." What does that mean? Bella quit talking, but she was thrashing violently in her sleep. Without my biding, my body made its way to the bed and I laid down beside her. Instantly, she molded her body to mine and my arms wrapped themselves around her as she laid her head on my chest and ceased stirring. Did she know I was there? In her dreams, was it Jasper laying next to her? I couldn't bring myself to care one way or another. I was enveloped in her warmth and it was like it used to be when I thought our bodies were two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. I kissed her forehead and my lips seemed glued to her skin, I couldn't pull away.

While she slept, I thought about what I was doing and what had happened tonight. Bella was right, we had done a good job of being 'friends' these last several months. I was never in denial, though. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was putting her happiness before my own and staying as close to her as possible the only way I knew how, by playing the part of her best friend. By pretending I didn't still love her with every cell in my being. By hiding my love, my pain, my misery, my jealousy. Not just because of the rules Bella had instilled, but because it was the only way to maintain my sanity. But it seemed the walls I had so carefully built had come crashing down tonight. The only question is, where do we go from here? How do I act around her? Does she still want me to keep the fascade, play the part? I decided that is exactly what I would have to do, for now. At least, except for our weekly discussions. Then I would bare my soul to her; I would let my guard down and let her have a glimpse into my mind and heart, if only for a few hours.

I stayed there with her, breathing in her scent, until she showed the first signs of waking, then slunk my arm out from under her and escaped before she knew I was there. I busied myself with preparing her breakfast – coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, french toast with caramelized bananas, and bacon. Just as the french toast was ready, Bella drowsily made her way to the island. She tried to sit on one of the stools, but wasn't quite awake enough yet, and almost hit the floor when she missed the seat. I ran around to catch her, and we both gasped a sharp intake of breath when we found our faces inches away from one another.

"Good morning, beautiful," I said as I sat her down on the stool and made my way back into the kitchen.

"I don't think you should be calling me that, Edward." She might as well have been stabbing my heart, but I wouldn't tell her that.

"It is your name, isn't it?" I teased as I put her plate in front of her. "Eat." After Bella had moaned in the same delicious manner as she had last night, I quickly decided that cooking was my new favorite hobby. "Bella, as painful as it was in parts, I really enjoyed our conversation last night. Do you think we could continue it next week?"

"Yeah, sure. Just keep the wine handy. Mind driving me to school today? I don't think Jasper's back yet and I misplaced my parking pass."

"It would be my pleasure." Every moment with Bella was a treasure, and I would never miss an opportunity to spend time with her ever again.

A/N: The Cullendales have left Chicago and are heading for Kansas City! Free lap dance by the Naked Cullen Boy of your choice to the 100th reviewer for this chapter...aww, heck, lap dances for ALL my reviewers! Today is the last day for nominations for the Eddie and Bellie awards. Remember -- YOUR NOMINATION IS YOUR VOTE! The link is on my profile, as is the list of songs on Edward's playlist...