Chapter 3- For The Love Of A Daughter
You have a hollowed-out heart but it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it but its hopeless, hopeless, your hopeless
Oh father, please father
I'd love to leave you alone but I can't let you go
Oh father, please father
Put the bottle down for the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter by Demi Lovato
August 7th 2004
It was nightime and I was lying down on top of Kozik on my bed, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me. Things has been going well with us since that kiss in the garage. We were official, sort of, I was referred to as Kozik's girl and Lee had even given him the 'hurt her I'll kill you' speech. Danny was as angry as ever, he didn't speak to me and gave us death stares whenever he saw us together, but I didn't really care. Kozik did but, he would always move away from me when Danny was near us, I suppose he didn't want to upset the President's kid. I just thought that Danny needed to get the hell over it.
We were the only ones in the house, Lee had to deal with club business and Lana was working late.
Kozik was holding my hand, rubbing his thumb on my palm, I was too relaxed to notice his thumb moving downwards to my wrist. His thumb grazed over my wrist, over the scar, making me jerk out of his grasp and shoot up.
"Valerie, what happened?" He asked
"Nothing, do you want some lunch, I'm going to go make some" I said, getting up and leaving before Kozik could reply
I had forgotten to put my leather bracelet on that covered my scars. My mind filled with memories of that fateful night, the bathtub filled with water, the feeling of the metal against my skin, the muffled sound of Lee screaming my name.
I jumped when I heard Kozik approach me, dropping the plate, it smashing on the floor.
"Shit" I mumbled
I leant down to pick up the pieces but Kozik beat me to it, he grabbed the larger pieces, cutting his hand in the process. He clutched his bleeding hand and swore. I pulled him into the bathroom, washing the blood off of his hand under the water, he winced when the cold water hit his wound. The cut was small and would heal quickly, I got out a bandaid and put it over the wound.
"There you go, you'll be fine" I said before walking back to the kitchen
I started sweeping up the pieces of broken plate into a dustbin and putting it in the bin. Kozik walked into the room and leant on the kitchen counter.
"Valerie, what happened?" He asked but I just stood there, refusing to answer
"Valerie, you can trust me, please, just tell me" he said walking close to me, putting his hand on my forearm
The phone started ringing, saving me from answering Kozik's questions, at least for a little while.
"Hello" I answered
"Val, it's Bowie, I'm outside your house now, open the door" he said
"Yeah sure" I said before hanging up and opening the door
Bowie walked inside, muttering a hello to Kozik, and sitting down at the dining room table. I sat down across from him, Bowie grabbed my hands that were sitting on the table in his own.
"What happened Bowie?" I asked
"It's your father Val, he has liver cancer, he's at the hospital, probably won't make it very long" he said, wary of my reaction
I just stared at Bowie for a few seconds, letting the information sink in. My father was dying, probably would be dead in a week.
"Tell Lee to call when that happens" I said before getting up and going to my room
I laid down on my bed, clutching the pillow to my chest, letting the tears I had with held for years finally fall down my face
Kozik's POV
I walked into the dinning room, Bowie was sitting on the table, sighing when we heard the door slam. I leant on the door frame, crossing my arms over my chest.
"What was that about?" I asked
"Her father, he's dying of liver cancer, in hospital now, gonna die soon. Valerie doesn't want to see him, and with damn good reason" he said leaning forward
"Why? What happened?" I asked
Bowie just shook his head, refusing to answer.
"I saw the scars" I said, Bowie instantly looked up
"I'm supeises, she always keeps those things covered, look if you want to know you're gonna have to ask Valerie, it's not my place to tell you" he said
Bowie got up and left, I was still standing against the door when I heard his bike rumble, the noise quietening as he rode away.
Valerie's POV
I was lying on my bed when I heard the door open, I knew it was Kozik but I didn't turn over, just stayed staring at the wall. I felt the bed dip and strong arms wrap around me, pulling me into him.
We stayed like this for awhile, him just holding me. Eventually I turned over and cuddled into his side, my body aching from the crying, it seemed I had a never ending supply of tears. Kozik didn't say anything, just held my weeping form, finally, when I had stopped crying I got up off of the bed and walked into the kitchen.
"What happened? Valerie, just tell me" said Kozik, who was standing behind me
"My fathers dying" I said sternly
"Okay, so why don't you go see him" he suggested, making me scoff
"That bastard deserves what he's getting, being an alcoholic finally killing him" I said angrily
"What he'd do to you?" he asked
"We were happy once, my parents and me, my mother died when I was 11, car crash. My dad started drinking, it got worse over the years. Lee became worried. I used to have bruises on my face, he rarely hit me, only on my mothers birthday and the anniversary of her death, when he was drinking the most. When I was 14, I became depressed, tried to commit suicide" I said, showing him the scar on my wrist "Lee found me just after I cut my right wrist, never got to my left. I went to hospital and that's when he decided that he would look after me from then on" I explained
"Thank God" he said, gently caressing my scar
"Thats not all" I said, taking a deep breath before continuing "I went back home to get my stuff, I thought that he would be passed out drunk, it was my mother's birthday. I got my stuff and just as I was leaving he woke up. He w thought I was my mother, that she was leaving him. He screamed at me and shoved me into a glass cabinet, I hit him over the head with, I don't actually remember what, and ran outside the house. I haven't seen him since" I said
"Oh my God, the glass, were you okay?" he asked
"I went to hospital, a few scars" I said
Kozik turned me around and lifted up my top, running his warm hands over the scars covering my back. He pulled the top off over my head and I let him, he leant down and kissed every inch of the scars, his hands rubbing my waist.
"I will never hurt you" he whispered into my ear
I shivered at his breath on my neck, he made me feel differently then any other guy, this was all new and uncharted territory, and I was prettmm sure that Kozik knew that. He leant his head down, leaning into my hair, he pressed one last kiss to the back of my head before handing me my shirt back and walking out of the kitchen.
Kozik spent the night, we just held each other, not even bothering to change our clothes. I fell asleep easily in his arms, not waking up from a nightmare once during the night.
SOASOASOA
I groggily opened my eyes, the sunlight blinding me before my eyes re-adjusted. I moved over on my pillow to feel it move. I shot my eyes up and realized that Kozik was still here, asleep in my bed. I sat up, just sitting there watching him, in a totally not creepy way. He looked so relaxed when he was asleep, calm, innocent, though I suppose that's how everyone looked when their asleep, Kozik was just the first person I had every really watched.
Without thinking I moved my hand over to his cheek, slowly caressing it with my thumb. His hand shot up to grab mine, holding it to my face.
"You know it's not polite to stare" he said, opening his eyes
I smiled as he held my hand, sitting up but still holding my hand.
"I was simply admiring the view" I joked
"I better get going, lot of questions to answer about where I was last night" he said, kissing my knuckles
"So I guess I'll see you later then" I whispered, sad that he was leaving
He let go of my hand and cupped my face. "I'll see you as soon as I can, okay" he said and I simply nodded
He pulled me closer and pressed a kiss to my lips. He leant his forehead against mine, reluctant to leave just as much as I was. After awhile he sighed and got up off the bed, walking out of my bedroom, leaving me on my bed longing for his warm hands to be interlocked with mine.
I looked around the room, it held so many memories of what was really a different life, this was a teenager's room, but I was now an adult. I got up off my bed and started cleaning up the room. This was my new life, I needed what was left of my old one to be gone, or at least where I couldn't see it all the time. After all out of sight out of mind.
I grabbed a box and started pulling up all the old photographs and certificates. I still had unfinished school work on my desk. I put away all my books into the box. Once everything was packed away I put the box in the bottom of my closet. There was nothing left on my desk or my clipboard, I took the clipboard off the wall and leant it against the wall.
I was ready to move on, and that meant facing my past, facing my father.
SOASOASOA
I walked through the hospital hallways towards the room that the nurse pointed me to. Lee was standing outside the room, no doubt waiting for me to show up like he knew I would. He nodded at me when I entered the room, I knew he'd give me some privacy but would be close enough to come in case I needed him.
When I walked into the room my eyes immediately fell onto the man who laid in the bed. He looked terrible, his skin was a pale and yellowing, his breathing was quick, like he was struggling for breath. He looked like a man on his deathbed.
"Valerie, I didn't think you'd come" he said, coughing as he did
I hesitantly walked forward, sitting down on one of the chairs, staring up at the man I had once called Daddy.
"I wasn't going to" I said, my voice free of any emotion
"Not like I deserve it anyway, treated you like shit, I am truly sorry about what I did, Val" he said
"Don't call me that" I snapped and he just nodded
"How are you doing?" He asked
"A lot better than you apparently" I said bitterly, I didn't want to have father-daughter chats, I hadn't spoken to him in three years, I wanted things resolved before he died
"I know I don't deserve to know anything about you, but, come on, I'll be a dead man by next week, give a dead man his last wish" he said in a pleading tone
"I spent the last two years in London on an exchange program, I'm going to go to College, study to be a teacher" I said
"Thats good, where are you studying?" He asked
"I don't know, haven't decided yet" I said
"You could go anywhere you know, you shouldn't stay here, go out, see the world, your young, don't get trapped here" he said
I looked up at him, he sounded almost like a father, I knew what he meant, he didn't want me around the club. My questioning eyes stared into his, it must have killed him seeing as I had my mothers eyes, big baby blue orbs, my grandmother always said that I could melt a man with just one look from my eyes, as dis my mother on countless occasions.
"Lee told me about you and the biker. You shouldn't get stuck in Tacoma, you shouldn't have to be trapped into becoming an Old Lady" he warned
"I'm not being trapped" I said
"As long as you have options, your only 18, no need to he tied down just yet" he said
"I've got to go now, I'll come by later to see you" I said getting up
"Okay, goodbye, love you" he said
"Goodbye" I said, deliberately not saying I love you, the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. Ever since my father I had never said 'I love you' to anyone, and I didn't know if I ever would.