Chapter 4- Candles

That boy, take me away, out of the hum and into a forest

I'll do whatever you say to me in the dark

Scared I'll be torn apart by a wolf in mask

A familiar name on a birthday card

Well I have brittle bones it seems, I bite my tongue and I torch my dreams

Have a little voice to speak and a mind if thoughts and secrecy

Things cannot be reversed, we learn from the times that we are cursed

That things cannot be reversed, we learn from the ones we fear the worst

And learn from ths ones we hate the most, how

Candles by Daughter

August 10th 2004

I was sitting on my bed going through College pamphlets, time was ticking and I needed to figure out which school I was going to soon.

I threw the pamphlets down on my bed and grunted. I could focus on which school I was going to, my mind kept wandering, to Kozik, to Danny, to my father. It had been two days since I visited and I kept fighting the urge to see him, there were too many conflicting emotions were he was involved. I hated him, for starting to drink, for leaving me to raise myself for four years, for hurting me. But he was still my father, and a part of me would always love him, even if I just loved the memory of him.

I heard door front door open. I quickly got off my bed, leaving the discarded pamphlets, and rushing out.

"You want something to eat" I called out assuming that it was Lee or Lana

"A beer would be great" said a familiar voice

I quickly turned around, my heart beating faster out of shock, and because it always did when I was near him.

"Sorry, Lee wanted me to check on you, told me where the spare key was" he said, putting his hands up

"It's okay, just didn't think it would be you" I said turning away from him to walk to the fridge

I held the door open, looking for the beer for Kozik. I felt warms arms wrap around me, he pressed his lips on my neck, leaving a trail of kisses down into the crook of my neck. He pushed the sleeve of my t-shirt down, and began kissing along my shoulder.

"A beer really would be great though" he said chuckling

He let go of me and sat down at the counter. I opened my eyes, which I hadn't even realized that I had closed, and pulled the beer out of the fridge and set it in front of Kozik. I was about to sit down on the chair next to Kozik but he grabbed my arm and pulled my onto his lap, grinning when he saw my shocked expression.

"What, never sat on someone's lap before?" He asked, in more of a joke

I had sat in someone's lap before, I used to sit on my fathers when we practicesed on the piano, sat on my mothers when she read me a story, I had even sat on Danny's once. But I had never sat on Kozik's lap, those people I had never made me feel the way Kozik did so effortlessly, he brightened up my day with just a smile. I was starting to fall for him, hard, if I hadn't already.

"No, it's just, nothing" I said,cupping his cheek and rubbing my thumb cheek it "So why did Lee want you to check on me?" I asked

"Your dad, he's getting worse, few days, tommorow even" he said grimly, but never took his eyes off my face

"He wants you to take me there doesn't he, that's why he sent you, to convince me to come" I said getting up off of his lap

"Val, just listen for a second" he said but I didn't turn around "Valerie, just hear me out" he pleaded

I slowly turned around, but I stayed where I was, not moving an inch from where I was standing. I was angry that Lee had used our relationship to try and get me to visit my father.

"He's your father, you'll regret not visiting him" he said

"No I won't, I made peace with not ever speaking to him again a long time ago. That man is not my father, at least not the one I want to remember" I said, not looking up at him, one look from him and I would give in

"Valerie, just talk to him, put all this to rest" he said, taking a few steps towards me

"It already is" I said

"You wouldn't be so angry if it was" he said, putting his hand on my arm

I looked up, his eyes boring into mine. I nodded, my eyes tearing up but I held back the tears. Kozik took my hand and pulled out the door. We got to his bike and he handed me the helmet, getting on the bike. I just stood there, looking between the bike and him.

"What, never been on a bike before?" He jokingly asked

"No, I have it's just" I said but trailed off

I had been in the back of Lee and Danny's bike, even on the back of Bowie's once, but this was different. I knew the guys didn't let just anyone ride bitch with them. Riding with one of them was pretty serious.

"Come on, just get on the back, wrap your arms around me, it'll be fun, I promise" he said

I got on the back of the bike and nervously wrapped my arms around his waist. They were to lose so Kozik pulled me closer to him, chuckling at my nerves.

"I won't let you get hurt, ever" he said before starting the bike and riding out of the driveway and down the street

I leant my cheek against his back, breathing in the scent of smoke and booze, an oddly comforting smell. I closed my eyes and just relaxed. I tried to forget about where we were going and just focused on being this close to Kozik.

When we finally reached the Hospital I reluctantly let go of Kozik and got off the bike.

"Not that bad was it" he said smiling at me

I smiled back at him and grabbed his hand, interlocking our fingers, and we walked into the Hospital. I walked up to the front desk, Kozik waiting for me by the elevator.

"Excuse me" I said to the woman behind the desk

She looked up at smiled at me, looking between me and Kozik, who was watching my every move.

"Are you looking for the obstetrician?" she asked

I just stared at her confused for a few seconds before realizing what she meant "Oh, no, I'm here to see my father, I was here a few days ago and I just wanted to check if he's in the same room?" I asked

"Oh, sorry, what's his name?" She asked

"Jacob Anderson" I said

"Yes, he hasn't changed rooms" she said smiling up at me but you could see on her face she still felt guilty about her assumption

"Okay, thanks" I said before turning away from her and walking back to Kozik

I grabbed Kozik's hand and pulled him towards my father's room. When we got there Kozik let go of my hand and stood by the door, hands in his pockets, not knowing whether he should come in or not.

"Valerie, it's good to see you" said my father

Kozik had been right, he was getting worse. He looked even more sickly pale, it really only would be a few days now.

"Hi" I said, I stepped closer to the bed, my hands gripping side of the bed.

"I'm glad you came, I wanted to see you one last time" he said

"Don't say that" I said, tears building up in my eyes

"It's the truth baby girl, it's only a matter of time now" he said coughing

"Who's the guy?" He asked

"Uh, dad, this is Kozik" I said

Kozik walked forward and stuck out his hand which my father shook, with what would have been a firm grip had he not been sick.

"It's nice to meet you Mr Anderson" he said

We all continued talking for a few minutes, I happily watched my father and Kozik interact, this man was my father, he was the one I grew up with, the father he had been before my mother's death. Kozik was called away for club business, leaving me with my father.

"He seems nice" he said

"Yeah, he is" I replied smiling

"He really loves you, you can see it in the way he looks at you" he said causing a smile to spread on my face. We hadn't said the words yet but I knew how I felt about Kozik, and my father had just confirmed how he felt about me.

"Do you love him?" He asked

"Yeah, yeah I do" I said

"Good, at least he can take care of you, better than I ever could" he said

"Dad" I started but he interrupted

"No, I was a terrible father, I was so consumed with my own grief that I didn't look after you. Promise me you'll never do that, never let yourself go, always look after your family" he said, not knowing how relevant his words would become, or maybe he did

"Okay, I promise" I said

"Good, can't have you" he started but stopped and started clutching his chest

"Dad, Doctor" I called out

The Doctor and nurses rushed into the room and started to use the defibrillator on him. A nurse pushed me out if the room, I watched from outside as they desperately tried to re-start my fathers heart.

SOASOASOA

I sat on the chair in my fathers room, my arms were hugging my knees to my chest as I watched my father breathe. They had managed to start his heart back up but his time was coming to an end, this was it. Kozik and Lee were standing outside the room watching me, I had called Lee as soon as I could, he brought Kozik.

I hadn't said anything to anyone, if I did then that would mean admitting that my father was dying, that he would probably be dead by the end of the night.

"Valerie, come over here" he said, struggling with his breathing

"I'm here dad" I said getting up and clutching his hand

"Bring Lee and Kozik in, I want to talk to them" he said

I walked out if the room and told Lee and Kozik to come in. I stood by the door, close enough to over hear what they were saying.

"Take care of her. Lee you did when I couldn't, and I'm eternally grateful for that. Kozik, she loves you, don't hurt her, make sure she's okay after this, help her" he said

Both men nodded, I looked over to see Kozik staring up at me. He was trying to hide his smile because of the situation, but he was definitely happy that I was in love with him. I walked back to the side of the bed and grabbed his hand.

"Valerie, I love you, I always will" he said

"I know, I love you too dad" I said, tears falling down my cheeks

"Your mother would be so proud" he said

He passed away a few hours later, I was there, holding his hand while he took his last breath. Both Kozik and Lee had stayed with me. Kozik had taken me home, Lee and Lana were staying at the clubhouse tonight to give me some space.

I was laying down on the bed, Kozik was sitting next to me, runnings his fingers through my hair. I sat up and leant my head against Kozik's shoulder. I was going to do what my father said, I was going to move on, and Kozik would keep his word, he would look after me, he always would.

I pulled Kozik into a kiss, it was passionate and lustful, something new to me. I ran my fingers through his hair, pulling him close. We laid down on the bed and continuing kissing, taking little breaks in between kisses to breath. I pushed Kozik's cut off and started fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. Kozik pulled away from me and sent me a questioning look.

"Are you sure you want this?" He asked

"Kozik, your the only man I've ever loved, I sure as hell want this" I said

Kozik leant back down and started kissing me again. Clothes were soon discarded, left on the floor of the room, and our naked bodies were intertwined.

SOASOASOA

We woke up in the same position as we had a few days ago, my head on Kozik's chest with his arms wrapped around me, except this time we weren't fully clothes, we were far from it. I cuddled closer into Kozik's arms, he was still asleep but he seemed to react by pulling me closer.

I just laid next to Kozik, his slow, calm breathing relaxing me. It felt like hours until Kozik finally started to wake up. He slowly opened his eyes, sitting up and looking over at me smiling.

"Good morning" I said

"Good morning to you too" he replied

He leant down and started kissing my bare shoulder, leaving a trail as he continued up my neck. He pulled away and cupped my face with his hands.

"I love you" he said smiling

"I love you too" I replied, leaning my forehead against his

"Are you okay? Last night" he asked worryingly

"I'm fine, might need new sheets but" I reassured him, looking down at the small patch of blood

"I didn't know it was your first, I assumed" he said but trailed off

"You assumed that me and Danny did, he wanted to but it never felt right, not like this does" I said

"I'm glad I was your first" he said

"Me too" I whispered