Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do however own my OCs, this storyline, and more Christmas decorations than Santa Claus.
A/N: Thanks as always to my awesome beta readingtime! Thanks to changedbyEdward for help with my theme song selection, which is Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Whithers. Story selection for the week is The List by LauraACullen. Bella and Edward decide to 'practice' before their wedding, to build up his endurance and push his boundaries. Bella makes a list of all the things she wants to try. Each chapter is a different kind of lemony fun! This is one of the few stories that had me addicted enough to read it on a certain other FF website, even with the white type on black background. I was thrilled, however, when she started posting it here as well. It's on my favorites list.
Jasper's POV
Thank God it was Monday. If Bella's not back at school, I swear to God I am going to his house and kidnap her. Fuck the Volturi. The past week has been utter hell. Alice told me that Bella had a cold and that Edward was staying at home to take care of her. That wasn't his job. It was my job. Alice assured me it was just a cold and warned me to leave them alone. She said that this time would be beneficial in helping them act like a couple again. Easy for her to say. I'd seen the evil little pixie for all of five minutes all week. She was becoming an expert at jumping through third story windows. Then she flew to Minnesota to watch the game, not wanting to be away from Adrian a single night. I had my suspicions that she wouldn't be spending too many nights at the house once the Volturi arrived. If they're watching Bella, then she was free to do as she wished, as long as she got his scent off of her before she saw them.
I called Bella every day. Several times a day. Her cell phone was never turned on; it went straight to voicemail. I'd lost track of how many messages I'd left. Hopefully I would get to talk to her before she listened to them, get her to just delete them. Some of the later ones were less than loving. I thought about trying Edward's cell, but I really didn't want to have to talk to him.
With nothing better to occupy my time, I buried myself in the genealogy project for American History with Kelly. We'd managed to trace her back four generations so far. I was surprised to find out that her family came from the same area of Texas where I had grown up. She went home over the weekend to see if she could find any old photo albums or scrapbooks in the attic that might further help us in her search. I was interested to see if she turned up anything. But all of that was forgotten the moment I saw Edward and Bella walking towards me.
I saw them before they saw me. Edward had her backpack flung over his shoulder, and his free arm around her shoulders. If I were a human, I would have been sick. When Edward saw me, he dropped his arm and took a hold of her hand instead. Like that was supposed to be less offensive to me? I gritted my teeth as they approached me. Bella's face was full of silent apologies, but when I felt for her emotions, I couldn't find them. All I found was a calm similar to the wall Edward always had up. Edward taught her how to block me. Son of a bitch. I sent a strong wave of love Bella's way, a silent greeting. Her calm wavered, it wasn't near as strong as Edward's. One more wave and it came tumbling down. I almost wished it hadn't. Bella was bottling up so many emotions – love, guilt, lust, shame, hope, trepidation, the list went on and on.
"Jasper, can I talk to you for a second?" Bella asked, her voice shaking. She closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, replacing the calm barrier before opening them again. I saw Edward squeeze her hand reassuringly before walking away. Bella looked up at him and smiled. This could not be good.
It felt so weird to be walking next to Bella and not be touching her. Especially since she'd just been holding Edward's hand not a moment before. She smelled faintly like him and I hated it. I realized she was leading me to Mirror Lake. I guess it made sense. Less chance of being seen, but it still tugged at my heartstrings. Of course, she had no way of knowing. To her, it was just a nice place we visited on our last date.
"It's beautiful, even without the luminaries," Bella mused as we sat down on the bench.
"I wouldn't know, all I see is you," I told her, and it was the truth. She looked a little thinner, she probably hadn't eaten much all week, and her eyes looked pained, but she was still beautiful.
"Jasper, I need to talk to you, but before I do, I just need you to know that I love you, okay?"
"Okay, Bella. I love you, too. But you're scaring me, darlin'. What's going on?"
"Jasper, I need to be honest with you. This past week, actually, since we've started school, I've been growing more and more confused. Edward and I are trying to act like we're a couple, but it's just reignited so many feelings that I'd kept buried for so long. I don't know what is real and what is pretend anymore."
"Bella, am I losing you? Do you love him? Did you sleep with him?" Bella's eyes shot up at me and anger flashed in them for a second before it disappeared.
"No, I didn't sleep with him. I wish I could be angry at you for even thinking that, but I suppose I had it coming. But I do still love him, Jasper. I have to be with him to keep our family safe, but it would be a lie for me to say that it's all just an act. I can't be with you and have these feelings for him. It wouldn't be fair to you to let you assume that the moment this is over I'm going to leave him and come running back in your arms, when I'm not sure that's the case. The truth is, I love you both, so much, and I don't feel capable of giving either of you the devotion you deserve right now. So I'm going to pretend to be with Edward, but really I am going to be spending some time on my own, getting my head screwed on straight."
"But why, Bella? After everything he put you through? How can you still love him?" I felt it in my bones, she was slipping through my fingers like so much sand.
"Edward is learning from the mistakes he made in the past, and before you say anything, no, I'm not blind to the fact that the things he is learning, you never had to. You love me for who I am, flaws and all, just as I love you. For the most part you treat me like an equal, but never put me on a pedestal. It wasn't something you had to work at, it just came natural to you. If I look at it rationally, it makes all the sense in the world that I be with you forever. But on the other hand, I can't deny that I have a bond with Edward that seems to go beyond rational thought, and no matter how I try to bury it, it's still there." Bella looked down to the ground. Her defenses were down, and I could feel the shame and confusion and love, both for me and for Edward. I also felt her determination. She thought she was doing the right thing, and her mind was made up. She would not be swayed. There was no way to win this battle. I only hoped it wasn't a sign that I was losing the war.
I took Bella's hands into my own, and was struck with a flashback of the last time we were here. We were sitting in this exact position when my phone rang and shattered my world. I brushed it away. I would deal with it later. "Bella, I have always told you that I wanted to be in your life in whatever capacity you would have me. If you need time to straighten things out, then take it. Consider me just a very good friend for the time being. I don't want you to be with me and be thinking of someone else. On the other hand, I'm really hoping that every moment you are with Edward, you are thinking of me. I love you, Bella. Before all this began, I planned on asking you for your hand." Bella's eyes flashed in shock. She looked around the lake, then back at me in sad recognition. I needed to get this out before I couldn't do it, so I plowed ahead. "I'm still hoping that one day soon it will be my ring on your finger. But only if I have your whole heart. I'm not willing to share, and to tell you the truth, I've always felt like I was sharing you with Edward, even when he was miles away. For months after you and Edward broke up, you still said his name in your sleep. Mine, too, but not exclusively. Not for months. And when it finally seemed like he'd been purged from your subconscious, we moved here, and it started back up again. I love you with every cell in my body, Bella. I deserve nothing less from you in return. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes, I would agree. I haven't been fair to you, Jasper, and it's time I did something about it." Bella stood up then and I stood with her, hugging her to me for dear life. "I love you, Jasper Whitlock."
"I love you too. Don't take too long, alright? The last time you needed to think you were gone for ten weeks. Every moment will be an eternity without you." Bella didn't respond with words, she just kissed me, pouring all the love and affection and gratitude in her heart into that kiss. As I caressed her lip with my tongue and begged to deepen our kiss, I let down my defenses and let her feel everything. All my love, my lust, my hope, my fear, my heartbreak, my sorrow. Everything. She let me in and our kiss became intense, desperate with need. Bella grabbed my hair and pulled me to her while my hands ran up and down her back, pulling her closer still.
We heard someone clear their throat, and Edward was standing a few feet behind us. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but Kelly will be here any second now, and she can't see…that." Bella nodded at him and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before kissing me on the cheek and walking away. I watched as Edward put his arm around her and pulled her to him as they walked up the path. Bella leaned into him and sighed.
I heard him whisper to her, "It will be alright, you'll see. Everything will work out. I'm proud of you, Bella."
"Thank you, Edward," she whispered back. "I'm sorry you had to see that."
"Don't apologize, Bella. Yes, it was hard to watch. But no one deserves a bad goodbye," he kissed her temple and I cringed. No wonder she had made that rule about not being affectionate in front of Edward. No man should ever have to see the girl he loved in the arms of another man. Then they were gone. It wasn't until they disappeared from sight that I realized I forgot to talk to Bella about the cell phone messages. I was about to take off running after them when I saw Kelly come around the corner.
"Hey, Jasper! You're never going to guess what I found! I have three whole boxes of stuff for us to go through. I feel like I hit the jackpot! Do you want to come over after class and we can sift through it, find out if there's anything we can use in there?"
"Sure, Kelly. Why not? It's not like I have anywhere else to be."
"Great! You sure Alice won't mind?" Damn. I almost forgot that Edward and Bella weren't the only ones with roles to play in this Divine Comedy.
"No, I'm sure she won't mind. I'll double check with her after class, though, just to make sure."
After class, Kelly walked with me through the Oval to find Edward, Bella, and Alice sitting at a picnic table. Bella and Alice were having a heated discussion.
"Alice, you're bound and determined to do it your way, so why don't you just leave me out of it!" Bella yelled from her seat at the table. Edward was standing behind her, rubbing her shoulders and trying to calm her down.
Alice had her hands on her hips and was eyeing Bella with a deadly glare. "Won't you at least look at the magazines? I marked the pages with acceptable designers already, all you have to do is flip through the tabbed pages and let me know if you like one particular style over another. Is that too much to ask?" Wedding plans. I was going to kill Alice.
"What are you guys arguing about?" Kelly asked innocently as we approached.
"I am trying to explain to Bella that if she wants to have anything vaguely resembling a proper wedding dress, she needs to start looking now. We only have nine months!"
"And I'm trying to explain to my psychotic maid of honor that I don't really need a designer gown!" Edward squeezed her shoulders a little, a silent reminder to watch what she said. "I mean, I would be perfectly happy going to the nearest bridal store and picking something off the rack."
Alice gasped in horror. "Bella Swan, don't you EVER say that again. I will not have my future sister saying her vows dressed in a cheap knock-off!" Bella rolled her eyes at her before snatching the magazines out of her hand, shoving them in her backpack with a flourish.
"Fine, Alice. I'll look at them tonight. Happy now?"
"Yes. Now, we need to start scouting out locations and discussing the menu. When you're looking at the dresses, take a look at the wedding cakes. If you want a Cake by Collette creation, we need to order it within the next couple of weeks, and you really need to choose your colors before you can pick a cake…"
"Alice, that's enough," Edward said firmly. "You are overwhelming Bella. I know that Bella is giving you free reign to plan this, but please try and bear in mind her preferences."
"But Edward, how am I supposed to know what her preferences are if she won't help me?!"
I decided to speak up, interrupting Edward before he had a chance to reply. "Darlin', you know that Bella would prefer a small, simple affair. There is no reason to make this more of a production then it needs to be," hoping she would pick up on the double meaning of my words. Then in a voice too low for Kelly to hear I added "This is just for show, Alice. It's not a REAL wedding, remember?"
"I'll try and keep that in mind," Alice said acidly. I sent a burst of calm her way and she relaxed a little.
"Alice, did you have plans for us for dinner tonight? Kelly found some things at her parent's house that she thought might help us with her family tree for our History project and wanted to know if I could come over and help her go through it."
"Oh, no, Jazzy, that's fine. I was just going to order take-out tonight anyway. I'll see you when you get home." Alice smiled and flitted away, to meet Adrian back at his dorm, no doubt.
"We should get going too, love. We still have some make-up work to do from last week, and if we haven't flipped through at least one of those bridal magazines by tomorrow, Alice will have both our hides." Edward kissed the top of her head and held out his hand to help her up from her seat. She didn't look my way.
"Alright. Kelly, you and Edward are performing your composition for your professor on Wednesday, right?"
"Yes, we are. I hope he likes it, I've heard he is really tough." Kelly was very nervous about it.
"Would you mind if I came and listened? I'd love to hear you guys perform it from start to finish, and maybe we could all go to lunch after, since I was a no-show last week."
"That sounds fine. We're already performing in front of the whole class, what's one more person listening in."
"Great! Talk to you later. Bye, Jasper," Bella said as casually as she could.
"See you guys later," Edward said as he put his hand on the small of Bella's back and guided her away.
I had a few hours before I was supposed to meet Kelly so I headed for home. It was so quiet, you could almost hear the echoes of the girls' laughter, Adrian's dumb jokes, the pounding heartbeats that always welcomed me home. Adrian and Bella's scents were an echo, too, almost completely gone. I couldn't take the utter emptiness of it. I turned on the radio just for the background noise.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long anytime she goes away.
Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.
Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.
Well, ain't that the fucking truth. I turned off the radio and decided to hunt.
A/N: The NCBs are off to entertain our lovely ladies in Fayetteville, NC! Can't you just picture them dancing to the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B?