When I read in the TF2 Blog that they were going to make Alpine levels, I was like "EEEE YAY" because I love mountains and the heat of the desert is fun to work with but the coldness of the mountains would be fun too.
AND SUDDENLY, THEY ALL GET CRUSHED BY GLACIERS.
Anyway, here's a little bit about coldness and crap. Christy has a mystical power to turn GAY ORGY SEX TIME into "Lol best buds just tryin' ta live". It's like a super power except instead of fangirls announcing my arrival as I wander down the way, they pay Sniper to head shot me.
HURRAY.
ANYWAY Hope you guys enjoy it even though it's not porn. God forbid there's anything in TF2verse that's NOT porn.
READ ON!
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Southern Germans don't mind the coldness of the Alpines. A lot of them lived there, after all. When BLU's Medic heard that he would be stationed at an Alpine base, his heart soared for the first time in years. Perhaps he would be near his home in Stuttgart. Nothing would make him more pleased if he could see his beloved family on days off.
Unfortunately it was not meant to be; the camp was somewhere to the east, in Austria. Medic didn't let that get him down too much, however. He was able to meet with his family briefly as they traveled from the wastelands of Western America on their way to the Austrian Alpines. His father, mother, brother, and grandmother were able to meet with him for a short time and give him tons of tiny trinkets for the road. Many things he had to politely decline (as no one really needed little crafts like tea cozies and snow globes on the battlefield), but there were some that he was able to take along. A German Bible that his mother offered him was one such item, and the other was a quilt, THE quilt that had been passed down in his family for generations.
The thing was gigantic. He heard from his grandmother that her grandmother had made it with the help of her four sisters over many, many years. The thing spanned nearly forty feet squared, and was a perfect item for winter days in the mountains. In fact, the German remembered that during cold winter nights with the family, they would all bundle under the one blanket to assure that no one ever got cold. He wanted to decline such a precious gift, but the family knew that he would need it more than they. And so with a heavy heart and a heartfelt hug to each and every one of his family members, Medic rejoined his compatriots with two new items in tow. Everyone stared at the huge quilt that Medic guarded so fiercely in his lap, but they did not press the issue. They were heading into colder climates, after all. They just wished they thought ahead enough to get something that looked so comfortable.
The quilt was tucked lovingly away with the rest of his belongings in a location the other members never found out about. It was never really necessary to bring out until the end of autumn, when the first snow came about. It was mid December when the temperature hit below zero during the night, and Medic finally decided it was time to pull out his family's precious heirloom. It was his guard duty that day and God forbid he would let his teammates down by freezing to death on his watch. And so he hunkered down in a dark corner of the base's entrance, wrapped himself up nicely in the enormous blanket, and stared out into the swirling black and white air. The wind was picking up, and he wished he had brought a clock to tell when it would be Heavy's turn to take his place.
The snow fell heavily that night, and Medic shivered even with the quilt insulating him. It just wasn't enough; the wind was too great, and he was certain that he would begin to lose extremities if it got any worse.
"Hey Doc, what's eating you?" Medic gave a scream when BLU's Scout waved him down. The Bostonian blinked at Medic as he restarted his heart, "Yo Doc, it's just me."
Medic glared at the young man suspiciously, "Vere is your pistol, Schweinhund?"
"Oh, yeah, not a Spy," Scout said, fishing out everything from his pockets and packs. Various items from pistols to bats to baseballs to fishing line were shown to Medic as an offering of peace. The German waved them away.
"Vat are you doink up?" Medic demanded, glaring at the young man who was fully dressed in his heaviest clothing, with an additional blanket over his shoulders. "You haff no guard duty tonight."
"Well yeah, but I couldn't sleep. Man is it cold up here," Scout shivered and rubbed his arms, jogging in place. His breath came out as a fog as he continued, "I was going to take a jog around the base to try and get warmed up. You coming?"
"And get zniped? No zank you."
"Well then, I guess I'll just leave you to hanging out in the back like some sort of… is RED's Sniper really out right now?" Scout asked, suddenly worried about going outside.
Medic grumbled and curled up even more in the blanket so all Scout could see was his tiny glasses peeking from the folds of his precious quilt, "Medics don't take chances. You should know zat by now."
"Now I dunno if I want to go out…" Scout said quietly.
"Zen go back to bed. I vill keep vatch."
Scout flailed, "But damn, Doc, it's so cold! I'm going to freeze to death if I head back to the cold floor, you know that!"
"Do I?" Medic asked nonchalantly, scratching his stubble in thought.
Scout crossed around to Medic's other side and grasped at the precious quilt, "Look, your quilt looks pretty comfy. Do you have enough room for another?"
Medic gave a shout and grasped at the quilt, tugging lightly so as not to harm the stitching but forcefully enough to remind Scout just who he was dealing with, "Absolutely not! Zis iz not for frauleins! Touchink zee quilt iz VERBOTEN."
Too late. The speedy Scout somehow squeezed downward and flipped the sacred quilt over him. The two were soon under the quilt together, "Holy crap, this is actually pretty nice," Scout admired the warmth of the quilt, "Man, Doc, this is amazing, do you mind?"
"I absolutely do! Out! OUT!"
"Awww, come on, man, I'm sure you're feeling warmer already with two instead of one. You won't even know I'm here. Good night!"
"Night!? NIGHT!?" Medic screeched in horror as his heirloom was manhandled by what he once thought was a teammate he trusted to keep his hands where they belonged. He wondered if anyone would care if the teenager was missing so long as his Ubersaw was fully filled by tomorrow, "Filthy little DOG, I command you to unhand my family's quilt immediately! I can and VILL kill you!"
"Medic…?" The German clamped his mouth shut and slowly turned to the voice. BLU's Heavy Weapons Guy was looking down on him, lantern in one hand and eyes wide in light fear, "I heard you shouting; is everything okay?"
"Yeah man, everything's fine!" Heavy stopped and stared as Scout poked his head out from under the quilt. Heavy stared at Scout, then blinked at Medic, turned back to Scout, and opened his mouth. He thought against it, and closed it. Medic sighed lightly as Heavy opened his mouth again, trying to piece together just what was going on.
"Zee schweinhund refuses to release my quilt," Medic explained, giving a hiss at Scout for good measure before returning to speak with Heavy, "Believe me, zee lazt zing I vant iz zis dog in here."
"Yo Heavy! Your shift's almost here, right? Dude, you could totally have a nap in here until the time comes. It's so warm!" Scout said suddenly, making Medic's eyes bulge. The "good" doctor glared at Scout and turned back to Heavy to remedy the situation, but it was too late.
"Is it really so warm!?" Heavy cried in delight. He placed the lantern on the floor and began to shuffle under the quilt, "Doktor, move aside, I want to try!"
"No! Out! Shoo! Remove yourself from the premizes! Neiiiin!" Medic tried not to whimper as he was sandwiched between two men as they bundled up under his precious heirloom. "Pleaze, pleaze get out… you'll get it all dirty…" the German practically pled.
"Not as much as you would, and we can wash it later," Scout muttered sleepily, leaning against Medic's side and curling up against the wall. Medic grumbled lowly and tried to snuggle further under the blanket, but something was jabbing into his back. He couldn't turn around as Heavy and Scout were pressed so tightly on either side of him, but something…
"'ey Mates," Medic momentarily forgot about the annoying prodding in his back, as BLU's Sniper came into view and gave him an informal, two fingered salute, "Ya'll doin' alright?"
"Vat makes you zink not? Vy are you up, anyvay?"
"Bloody 'ell, someone trod on my gut, woke me up right good," Sniper said, curling his upper lip in disgust at the thought, "Figgured I'd better check you guys out and make sure everythin's doin' well."
"Ahhh, Excusez moi." Medic tensed horribly as there was a familiar "Vwoosh" and BLU's Spy appeared; he had snuck in under the quilt, and the prodding on the German's back had been from the European, "I did not mean to…"
Medic screamed at Spy's intrusion so loudly that RED's night watch woke up, looked about in confusion, shrugged, and returned to sleep.
"Holy shit, Doc!" Scout whispered loudly (as the kid really couldn't say anything quietly).
"Doktor, why do you yell?" Heavy groaned.
"Crikey, Mate…" Sniper muttered, trying to get his ears to stop ringing
"Wake the 'ole compound up, why don't you?" Spy said with a disdainful frown.
"You…! You-you-you-YOU…!!" Medic practically screeched, flailing at the Spy as the European grasped a corner of the quilt and attempted to return to sleep, "No! No cigarettes in zee quilt! No zmoke zmell on zee fibers! Out out out!"
"What's up? Any cattle to be herded?" BLU's Engineer asked, sliding into view.
"Mmph!" Pyro proclaimed, ready to fry anyone and everyone who came into his/her line of sight.
"Up an' at 'em, Lads!" Demoman shouted, "Where're the intruders? We'll blow 'em sky high!"
"There's no worry Mates, Medic just got jumpy about his quilt or somethin'," Sniper said, "By the way, you got any room under there for me?"
"Jumpy!?" Medic cried hoarsely, "Zis iz only jumpy because you- No!" the German kicked feebly as Sniper found a corner to hide under, "Remove yourzelf at vahnce! All of you!"
"Hey now, Pardner, we all need a bit o' that heat. It's a cold night."
"Mmph? Mmphphphff mmphff!" Pyro agreed, moving to join Sniper and Engineer.
Medic cursed colorfully in German and curled his legs up as close to his body as he could, so he wouldn't touch anyone as much as humanely possible. Demoman was the last to find his way under the quilt. It was so huge; everyone was able to find a place under it.
"Yo Heavy, it's your watch, right? Get some rest, Doc. Your voice sounds like you could use it," Scout chuckled. He yawned lightly as he finally drifted off to sleep with Medic's shoulder as a pillow.
"Good night, Doktor. You sleep well, da?" Heavy said, placing his giant hand on the German's head. Medic brushed it off, but sighed and resigned to his fate.
"I vill have as good a night as I vant. Neverzeeless, guten nacht, Heavy." Medic then snuck under the covers and removed his glasses, placing them tenderly in their case. He then settled down and found that his head rested on something soft.
He suddenly smelled smoke, as Spy was silently laughing, "You like that, Doctor?" the European smirked. Medic glared at Spy, lifted his head from the man's crotch, grasped the cigarette in his latex gloved hand, and crushed it without a word.
He then shifted to avoid Spy altogether, but soon heard Sniper. "'ey, Mate, git yer boots out o' my face…" the Australian muttered lowly in his sleep. Medic hissed and curled up further, and soon his face ended up in the sweaty Engineer's armpit. The smell was horrendous, but no one else was whining at him, so he decided to live with it and attempt to sleep.
Medic was one of the last to wake up the next morning. His neck hurt like a bitch, his knees were sore, and his shoulder was covered in drool. But despite all that, he was warmer than he had been in many, many nights past, and it was all thanks to his magical heirloom quilt, with a little help from his team…
The German resigned to never take the quilt out of its hiding place ever, ever again.
The End!
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