I kept wanting to write this story for a long time now. Honestly, it's a stupid idea but I still wanted to for some reason. It's a guilty pleasure of mine, I guess. I kept thinking on the fact that a lot of author/esses seem to like to have their stupid avatar/mary sue talk to the characters before the story, ala:

Spy: Omfg why am I talking? You always choose me. I thought you liked Medic more.

Me: LAWL It's because Medic's busy giving Heavy a blowjob!

Medic: I am not vat are you talkink about.

Heavy+Me: YOU ARE NOW.

Medic: NEIN!!!

And yet no matter how much the characters protest and they say the story's stupid or they say they'll never make out with another character, they always seem to do so for stupid as hell reasons such as "lawl I'm the author/ess and I say so." Which is a stupid way to start writing a story. So I decided that if the characters were ever going to be able to fight back about bad stories, I should let them. It'd be funny way to parody and it might give a few people who are writing horrible stories of their own to think for a moment before uploading it. Sure, they can write it; I wrote this. But remember, people, not everything you write is solid gold kawaiidesuchan. so writing is fine. uploading probably isn't.

ALRIGHT enough being a jerk:

READ ON!

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There was once upon a time, a long time ago, a man known only as "Spy" who traveled far and wide through the far famed Kerry Mountains. He was a bandit, a thief who enjoyed stealing from the rich and giving to himself. It was a simple life, one filled with danger, intrigue, and sexy ladies.

One day, Spy met with Captain Ferrel, a peacemaker and Soldier who ran the militiamen in the mountains. Spy had an idea, and when Soldier was in his quarters, counting out the money he possessed, Spy struck!

He produced a pistol of expert quality, along with a rapier sharp enough to pierce bone, and pointed them at Soldier. "Stand and Deliver, mongrel."

"Who are you, Maggot?" Soldier hissed.

Spy smiled under his mask, "I am the bold deceiver… You know what?" Spy relaxed the hold on his weapons. He placed the rapier's tip to the floor and leaned on it with an angry look on his face, "This is done. We're over. Through."

"What what what!?" the Authoress cried, rushing out onto the scene, "But the story I wrote up clearly says you take Captain Ferrel's money and make off with it to your girlfriend, Jenny!"

"That's just the thing," Spy replied, tossing the rapier aside. Soldier barely caught it. "Who in the world is my girlfriend, anyway? You never wrote one up for me!"

The Authoress sighed and thought to herself about the predicament. "Well, you know, there aren't that many girls around here for me to work with, and the Announcer's off on important work…" She turned around and blinked at Medic, who was jotting something down on a clipboard. "Oh Mediiiic?"

"Nein," was the answer.

"But it'll only be for a few scenes! And I can totally make you a chick if you want. I mean, vaginas are pretty sexy, and you can play with your own breasts. Think about it."

"I said nein."

"Let's just make up a cardboard sheila an' get on with it," Sniper said from the rafters where he was working with the backgrounds. He smirked down upon the three with a nasty thought, "I've always wanted ta see the bloody wanker get off on somethin' more physical than the sheilas he keeps harpin' about."

The Authoress got an idea. "Hey Sniper! You don't like Spy, right? That totally means you two are perfect for each other then!"

"I swear to everything that is holy, I will kill you dead," both Spy and Sniper said in unison.

"Besides!" Demoman shouted loudly enough to fill the entire stage, staggering up to the Authoress as she sobbed into her script, "Innit this an Irish chant?"

"Folksong."

"None o' us'r Irish! What's gotten inta ya, Lassie?"

The Authoress sniffled and rubbed her eyes, "I just thought that if I didn't mention the name too much, people would just assume that it was too cute and not bother with it. Besides, the script doesn't call for you."

Demoman was taken aback. Just like all the other times, too! "Donnae invite me to tha partae, why don't ya!? Ya got summin agenst Scottish Blacks, Miss?"

"Kinda; I mean, there were like, no blacks in Ireland at that time…"

Spy frowned at the Authoress with a disdainful sigh. "Neither Australian, nor American, either. So in other words, you're just racist."

"Alright guys I'm ready!" Scout announced, rushing up in a smart uniform similar to the one Soldier was stepping out of at that moment, "Let's keep this moving! Why isn't anyone acting? Come on, chop chop!"

"Scout, what are you doing?" Spy asked.

"Look at me!" Scout flailed in his suit. "I'm totally going to be your brother!"

Spy licked his lips to keep them from getting chapped. "My brother."

"Yeah! See, when Jenny betrays you and Soldier captures you and throws you in prison…"

"What!?" Spy nearly hit the roof. He turned to glare at the Authoress, and he pointed a shapely gloved finger at Soldier. "I never agreed to be captured by that addlebrained buffoon!"

Five seconds of silence passed. "Hey wait a minute," Soldier said.

The Authoress, who was hiding in fear behind her clipboard and script, looked at him with a worried look in her eye. "Would you rather have it be Engineer?"

"I would rather have none of it at all!" Spy hissed loudly as he snatched the script from the Authoress' hands and scanned it quickly. "What's this? Jenny filling my pistol with water? She'd have a dagger in the back before she could touch my gun."

The Authoress piped up, "To be honest, you're supposed to be sleeping," but a glare from the European silenced her again.

"All of this is nonsense. I would never be caught by Soldier and this CHILD would never be the one assisting me in my release." The Authoress gave a cry as the European ripped the papers up and tossed them in the air. "Good day, Gentlemen." And with that, he cloaked and disappeared.

There was silence for a long while, destroyed only by the Authoress' sudden sobs. She held her head in her hands and cried into them. "Oh my god. Oh my god, he was right. This is like, the worst idea I've ever made. Oh god, why did I even think of it?"

"Hey now," Engineer said, patting the Authoress' back, "Come now, I'm sure itwern't so bad…" He then turned around and nodded to the others, signifying that yes, it was pretty horrible.

"WELP," Scout said loudly, attracting everyone's attention. He started removing his costume and soon he was back in his normal outfit. "Since this is a bust, imma head off somewhere 'n' get a soda!"

"Kin ya take 'er, Scout? I bet she'd 'ppreciate a malt," Engineer said as he continued to pat the sobbing form.

The Bostonian shrugged, "Sure, her mom pretty much lived next door to me, so I guess we're practically family." He led the Authoress off to the ice cream parlor, "But you're not allowed to get all Mary Sue make-outy with me, alright? I mean, I'm freakin' like old enough to be your dad."

The Authoress sniffled and wiped her eyes once again. "We can't even share some cider through a straw?"

"Only if you want fourteen kids," Scout replied, shrugging lightly.

The Authoress opted for keeping the malt to herself.

THE END!

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NOTES:

The story comes from "Whiskey In The Jar", which is basically the story of a thief who steals money and whose girlfriend betrays him for someodd reason, probably for money or whatev.

The second part is that my mom was born just outside of Boston, and still thinks of it as her home. It's a little funny because she ended up marrying an Engineer. Hohoho.

Thirdly, the last bit that Scout and the Authoress talk about is a reference to another song that was a campfire song when my mom was young. It was basically about a young woman who meets a young man. They share a glass of cider with two straws, and the next thing the young woman knows she's got an overbearing mother-in-law and fourteen kids.

I kinda assumed Scout's the kind of kid who'd want a hundred kids, which would be a good way to get any woman to think twice before wanting to make out with him. Be careful before you make out with cute Bostonians, girls!

Anyway, reviews would be nice.