A friend of mine wanted me to write about griefers.
So I did.
Not much else to say on the subject.
READ ON!
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RED lost their Soldier again. The new one heading onto the frontlines wondered just how they could lose three in a week. He was a trusted and valuable member of his former teams, however, so he knew that he could keep himself alive for the other REDs! He just had to make sure that he kicked the rest of the group into shape. He heard that this particular group was infamous for its idiocy, but there wasn't anything that some good ol' constant yelling wouldn't fix!
He really should have known something was amiss the moment he walked out of the locker room, onto a teleporter, and appeared across the map, but surrounded on all sides by a wooden prison. He stared at RED's Engineer, who stared back at him, thumping his wrench in the palm of his hand. Soldier puffed himself up and gave the man a glare that announced that he give the maggot ONE chance to explain himself, "The hell did you teleport me here, Maggot?"
The engineer replied by laughing maniacally. Soldier glared at the other man and grasped the wooden planks. "You'd better have a good reason for this! Get me out of here!" The engineer did a hoedown dance in retaliation, whistling and laughing away. How infuriating! "When I get out of here, you filthy piece of rat refuse, I will personally gib your sorry ass from here to the badlands!!" With that said, the man released his hold on the planks and looked at the wood. He really didn't need to waste ammo, the wood was pretty shoddy at best, and he eventually decided to kick the planks away. The entire building that the planks were holding up collapsed, and Soldier barely escaped with his life by diving to safety.
He grumbled and dusted himself off, and then remembered the engineer! He leaped up and was about to give the engineer a stern yelling at and a rocket up the ass, but the man was gone. Soldier glared in anger, but felt his arm twitch. It had gotten cut when he was escaping the engineer's trap. It would need medical attention. Soldier sighed and abandoned the retarded engineer for the moment, and instead went to seek the German out.
He wandered through no man's land, searching for Medic. He was surprised that he didn't see as many people as he assumed existed. Where was everyone? Suddenly, something caught his attention.
"Om nom nom nom…" Someone was eating? Eating on the job!? Why, the nerve! The rumors were true then, everyone here was a filthy moron, lying on the job and refusing to work!! Soldier rushed to the scene as fast as he could.
"Om nom nom nom…!" The sound was coming closer. He was going the right way! He rounded a corner and pointed angrily at the man making the sound.
"You!" Soldier shouted angrily. RED's Heavy Weapons Guy stuffed a slice of Sandvich in his mouth. He then chewed both voraciously and loudly.
"Om nom nom nom!" Heavy replied, chunks of the sandvich flying from his mouth. Soldier gave a sigh of relief. So the Heavy was only hurt. He just needed to recover his strength! He nodded lightly in the direction of the heavy and he turned around to leave as the Russian pulled out another slice.
Soldier stopped midstride. The heavy wasn't bleeding, he didn't have any bullets in his flesh, hell, he wasn't even burning! He whirled around and roared at the Hungry Hungry Heavy, "You fool! Stop your Sandvich eating! You're fully healed, and you'll alert the enemy to your presence!"
"OM NOM NOM NOM!" Heavy chewed in capital letters, as if spiting the new Soldier. The man twitched in anger, his face turning a lovely shade of red, and finally decided to let the man die. It would be best to leave him for dead; survival of the fittest usually did best to kill off the idiots. Maybe then the other REDs would get a heavy that would actually know how to fire. He stalked away from the chewing heavy, and he twitched as a toothpick bounced off his helmet. He whirled back around and shook his fist at Heavy. "Om nom nom nom!" Heavy said in his most innocent sounding eating voice.
Soldier shook with rage and spoke as he turned around to find a medic somewhere on the field. "Freaking asinine pieces of…" the man gave a cry when he fell over something that was just walking by him.
"Imma craaaaaaaaaaaab!" the thing gurgled in a throaty voice. Soldier scurried away from the strange creature in horror. It looked and was dressed just like RED's Spy, but its limbs were splayed in such an uncomfortable position that any actual human would have cramped up and curled up into a ball from the pain by now, "Don't touch me!" the creature gurgled like the abomination that it was, "Imma craaaaaaaaaaab!"
The Spy-like creature walked by, staring up at a disguise kit and crawling into a wall. It sat there for a moment, as if it wasn't sure it had walked into anything, shrieked, "IMMA CRAAAAB!" and scuttled backwards. Soldier leaped from the floor and about faced, escaping from the creature's vicinity with all due haste.
"Medic!" Soldier shouted, hoping to find someone sane around here. Medics were pretty on the ball! He would be able to help Soldier! Although by this time, Soldier kind of assumed he was in some deep shit and no matter how smart RED's Medic was, there was nothing that was going to make this place any better.
Medic was finally found. He was following RED's Pyro with a rather strange attachment. Soldier waved the German down with his good arm, but Medic seemed preoccupied. He was sniffing flowers and laughing at Pyro as he shouted for Medic, "Ja, Ja! Zat vas zee funniezt!"
"MMPPHIC!" Pyro shouted for the seventeenth time. Medic cackled aloud at Pyro's wit and humor.
"Medic! Medic, thank god I've found someone who is actually doing his job!" Soldier shouted, rushing up to the two. Pyro and Medic walked right past him.
"MMPPHIC!"
"Your call iz muzik to my earz!" Medic proclaimed. Soldier ran after the two, but his 80 percent running speed just couldn't catch up to their 100 and 107 percent speed. They soon rounded a corner and left him alone.
But Soldier would not be deterred! "Would you addle brained pansies look at me for a second when someone asks for a heal? It's just a scrape! I could have found a medkit in the time it took me to find you! I was trying to help give you a reason to live, you maggot! Get back here!"
He rounded the corner and watched as the two rushed up to Engineer's Level One Dispenser and Sentry, which was unsurprisingly being unguarded. Their engineer was probably off trying to find other ways to screw his teammates over. Pyro rushed right past the two buildings, and sappers mysteriously appeared on them. Soldier gasped! That Pyro was a Spy! "Boys, we have a traitor!" he shouted, whipping up his rocket launcher. He released a rocket and the Spy went flying, but he was kept alive due to Medic's overhealing. Medic still had his beam trained on the bastard, however, and it made Soldier remember that no one in this damned place was even slightly smart! But it was okay, Soldier was trained in the art of rocket juggling! Before the enemy spy could drop to the floor, Soldier set his sights and the enemy exploded in a fantastic array of blood and guts in unison with the sapped sentry and dispenser.
Medic watched as the blood rained down on him, and he turned to Soldier with a frown. "NOW can you heal this wound?" Soldier shouted, pointing at his wounded arm.
Medic practically pouted at Soldier. "You killed my spy."
"You KNEW he was a spy?"
"Vhy did I keep my beam on him after he zapped zee buildingz?"
Soldier opened his mouth but Medic tapped his ear and spoke into it, "Announcer, zee Soldier you got uz killed my spy. Do zomezink about it."
There was silence for a moment, and someone boomed over an intercom that spread her voice over the entire compound, "You come here into our lands and expect to do as you please?"
"What are you talking about?" Soldier cried in horror at the Announcer, "We're supposed to kill the enemies, aren't we!?"
"We're supposed to have fun," the Announcer replied. She pressed a button and smirked evilly, "And I'm sorry to say, Soldier, but you're just another kill joy."
The REDs lost their fourth Soldier that week.
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Hope you enjoyed it~
By the way, BLU is also a group of griefers. BLU Medic likes to play jumprope with his other members, and so forth.
I was thinking of turning this into a sitcom of sorts because there's a LOT more griefing that can be done, but we'll see.
What do you think? Want more? Tell me what you think, give me ideas, anything~