Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do, however, own this storyline and my OCs. As predicted, I have already run out of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs.
A/N: First and foremost -- A Lesson in Release was awarded the Twi-Fi Award for Best Non Canon Couple! Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me! The song theme for this chapter is My Immortal, by Evanescence. Last but not least, thank you all so much for your kind words. It meant so much to me, even if I haven't had a chance to respond to all of them yet. This chapter has been readingtime and Fab 5 approved. Enjoy!
Jasper's POV
The next week or so passed in relative peace. Heidi, Felix, Edward, and Bella sat down and came to an understanding that they all felt was a fair compromise. Edward and Bella agreed to keep Heidi and Felix aware of their whereabouts at all times. If they were going out to dinner, shopping, missing class for some reason, whatever the case may be, they would call or text someone and let them know they were going out and when they would be back. That way, Heidi and Felix could in good conscience report that they were, in fact, keeping tabs on them. In return, Heidi and Felix agreed to not do surveillance on their house, granting Bella the privacy she deserved.
That settled, Heidi and Felix relaxed and allowed themselves to integrate fully into college life. Heidi's classes for the most part mirrored mine. Felix's, not surprisingly, followed Kelly's, not that she was giving him the time of day. Felix had failed to take into consideration that Kelly and Lacie might be friends, and it didn't take long for Kelly to find out about their little rendezvous. Kelly decided that maybe Edward and I weren't too far off track about him after all and had been giving him the cold shoulder. In true Felix form, he didn't let it slow him down, and has had a different girl at their house almost every night. Then the next morning, he would pull another idea from his bag of tricks in his efforts to seduce Kelly. It was actually quite comical to watch. Well, to everyone except Heidi and Alice.
Due to Felix's rotating door of beautiful college girls, Heidi had been forced to spend more and more time at our house, which in turn forced Alice to actually be there for more than changing clothes. Ironically, the ruse seemed to be affecting Edward and Bella the least. They had secured a certain amount of privacy and freedom that Alice and I, in turn, had lost. We had all expected it to be quite the opposite. Alice was a little irritated by it. It wasn't that Alice didn't enjoy spending time with Heidi and me; on the contrary, the girls had become quite good friends. She just hated having to pretend to be married to me when she would much rather be with Adrian. I couldn't blame her. I would much rather be with Bella. The only thing that seemed to dull the pain and distract me was Heidi's scent.
These were the thoughts that consumed me as I walked across campus until I came upon the only scent in the world that called to me more than Heidi's. Bella. She was sitting down at a picnic table, engrossed in a book. I surveyed the area and realized that no one else was around. I couldn't help myself. I snuck up behind her and grabbed her waist lightly with both hands, whispering "Boo!" in her ear. She jumped in shock, banging her knee on the underside of the table when she did. She turned around, laughing, and put her arms around me to give me a big hug. It was like a balm for my soul.
"Jasper! You scared the living daylights out of me!" She went to let me go, but I held onto her. She cocked her head to one side quizzically.
"I'm sorry, darlin'. I just couldn't resist," I smiled at her warmly and pulled her back to me to hug her again. She squeezed once and then pulled away. I let her go with a sigh.
"Hey, I brought my Frisbee with me. Wanna play?" She raised her eyebrow at me and I chuckled.
"Absolutely!" It was one of our favorite pastimes when we were together. I was able to send her the Frisbee with enough precision that she could catch it without chasing after it and potentially hurting herself, and yet I was fast enough to be able to catch it no matter how badly she threw it back to me. Unfortunately, I had to maintain human speed here, so I had a feeling I would be picking the Frisbee up off the ground. A lot. I didn't mind at all.
We played for probably 20 minutes, laughing and catching up, before Edward showed up. He just sat at the picnic table and watched us in silence, a small smile on his face. We kept playing until the rest of the gang joined him. I felt Bella's self-consciousness at our audience creeping into my joy.
"I think I have to call it quits, darlin'. You wore me out," I teased. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into as casual a hug as I could manage as we walked back to the table. God, I missed her so much.
"So what're everybody's plans for the weekend?" Bella asked as she sat down next to Edward. He gave her a quick peck on the forehead before turning his attention to Alice.
"I thought we could have a Halloween party on Saturday!" She looked at Bella meaningfully. "Bella, you could even invite some of your friends if you wanted." I felt the dread from Bella and Edward and couldn't help but agree. This was a bad idea. Alice was getting too comfortable with the Italians. She wanted us to invite Adrian over, which means she wouldn't be able to see how the party would go. Bad. Idea.
"What a wonderful idea!" Felix agreed enthusiastically. "Kelly will never be able to resist me in my sexy vampire costume."
"Don't bet on it," Kelly said as she approached the table, and everyone snickered. Felix smiled, undeterred. You had to hand it to him – he was persistent. "Did I hear something about a party?"
"Alice," Bella spoke up quickly, "it's awfully short notice, don't you think? I'm sure everyone has plans already, and I'd never be able to get a costume on such short notice."
"I could manage," Kelly said. "A party sounds like fun!"
"I've already got costumes picked out for the family," Alice continued. "Including Emmett. He needs a break from shopping, so he's decided to visit for a couple of weeks. He should be here tomorrow. Come on, Bella, it'll be fun!" Alice pulled out the puppy dog eyes, and knew she'd won when Bella rolled her eyes.
"What are we dressing up as?" Bella asked before caving completely.
"Jack and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas!"
Edward's POV
"I still think it's a bad idea," I said as Bella and I walked into the house at the end of the day. "We've pulled off nothing short of a miracle so far keeping Adrian out of their sights. Why would she do this now?" Her thoughts showed her irrational logic that they wouldn't really see him if he was wearing a costume, but at least she would know he was there, even if she couldn't approach him. I started a fire in the fireplace while Bella pulled her shoes off.
"Because she's a crazy pixie that can't help herself?" She said with a completely straight face. I just laughed. She had a point. Well, as long as Adrian kept quiet and kept his distance, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Still, I sent a quick email to him while Bella put her pajamas on and strongly suggested he fake a cold and stay at home. I needed to talk to him about the wedding plans, anyway.
I shut off the laptop just as Bella made her way back to the living room. "Come on, love. You promised we could read some tonight." I held out my hand to her and she reluctantly curled up on the couch with me. She'd been avoiding reading her journal as much as I was lately, but I wasn't letting it drop. As much of a pain as Adrian was at times, he had a point. We'd already addressed so many issues, and that was from the time in her journal when we were happy and together. We were both hesitant to jump into the darker periods in our relationship, but if we ever wanted to have a real future together, it needed to be done.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back between my legs as we cuddled on the couch. Feeling her pressed against me seriously tempted me to put off reading the guide for a much more pleasurable activity. An image filled my mind of Bella straddling me, one arm on either side of my head holding onto the back of the couch as she rode me, her beautiful breasts bouncing in my face. Bella pulled me out of my little fantasy when she threw a blanket over our legs and sighed heavily.
"Okay. But you're reading, not me. I won't be able to do it," she insisted. I kissed her cheek.
"Deal." The couch would have to wait.
September 13, 2005 – I had the most horrible nightmare last night. I saw my Gran, old and pruny, just like I remembered her. Then Edward was there, in the sunlight. I panicked, wondering what Gran would think of the gorgeous glittering man walking towards us. He put his arm around me and we turned to look at Gran. But it wasn't Gran. It was me. Ancient, withered me, looking in a mirror as Edward wished me a Happy Birthday with a kiss on my wrinkly cheek.
Well, that about sums up how I feel about turning 18. Happy Birthday. Not! I'm 18…and Edward never will be. If I knew for sure that Edward would change me, that Alice's vision would come true, then being a year or two older than him might not bother me so much. But he won't. And it does.
To make it worse, he and Alice ganged up on me this morning and are forcing me to go to a birthday party at their house this evening, which is the LAST thing I want, not that either of them seemed to care. I even tried using homework as an excuse, but they just adjusted their plans around it and ignored me altogether. "Let's discuss it later," he said. He sounded just like my dad. Well, maybe not MY dad, but A dad. So here I sit in class, trying to think of ways to get out of it. I mean, honestly, the two things I want LEAST today are attention on me and presents commemorating an event I wish never happened. Especially the expensive kind. I wish Edward would understand why I feel uncomfortable when he spends money on me. He's the best present I could have ever received. Just that fact that he wants to be with me of all people already throws the universe completely out of balance. I have nothing to offer him in return. Anything else he gives me would just make us even more out of whack.
I stopped reading and looked at Bella, who looked back at me with a sad smile. "You don't still see us that way, do you?"
Bella chewed on her bottom lip and thought carefully before responding. "In some ways, no. I mean, I accepted my birthday present this year, right? I am more confident now than I was then. But on the other hand, yes. Now more than ever, actually. Because at that time, I felt I didn't deserve you just because I innately believed myself not good enough. But now, there is evidence to back up my theory. I've made mistakes. I've hurt the people I care about most, with you at the top of that list. And part of me feels like I deserve to be loved now even less than I did then, because of what I've done."
"Oh, Bella. What can I do to convince you that you're wrong? We've both made mistakes. But as much as it pains me to admit this, I don't think you can call your relationship with Jasper a mistake. The way you went about it was a mistake, certainly, but you both loved each other, very much. I'm not naïve enough to believe that isn't true. Besides, everything happens for a reason. All that matters now is that we're together again. We can learn from the past, but dwelling on it will serve no purpose other than to dampen the present and endanger the future." Bella nodded her head silently and turned to look at the book in my hands. I took the hint and continued reading.
---Well, it doesn't seem like I'm getting out of this party. Edward is just not taking no for an answer. And my dad was no help. He was just glad I wasn't going to distract him from his baseball game.
At least I got a few kisses before the inevitable 'Be Good' while we were watching Romeo and Juliet. I really hate the boundaries he's created for us. I understand them, but I hate them. I fail miserably every time we get close at all. I can't help but want him closer. Then I feel guilty because I've made it difficult on him and he's been forced to chastise me like an eight year old. Again.
He was making fun of Romeo, saying that he destroyed his own happiness with mistake after mistake. THEN he tells me he was jealous of Romeo being able to kill himself so easily and said that if James had killed me, he was going to go to Italy and have those guys from Carlisle's painting kill him. He honestly didn't understand why I was pissed off at that. Add in yet another argument with Edward about changing me, and my birthday's turning out to be worse than I had imagined. I'm off to the party now…Edward guilt tripped me about them never getting to celebrate birthdays and told me to 'Be a good sport.' Ugh. Someone should remind the pushy vampires that birthdays are supposed to mean getting what you want, even if what you want is to sit at home and pretend it's not your birthday. I'll let you know later how much carnage there was.
"I was really incorrigible about that party, wasn't I?" I asked. I was upset she wouldn't let me buy her an Audi, but the one thing she really wanted, I refused her. I forced her to go to that party. I couldn't help but wonder how our lives would have been different if I had just let Bella have what she wanted that night.
Bella chuckled. "Yes, you were."
"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered in her ear. She shivered a little and leaned into me a little more.
"You're forgiven. It was irritating, but not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things."
"Well, let me just state for the record that if you don't want to go to Alice's Halloween party, we won't go. Pure and simple." I gave my head a quick nod for affirmation.
Bella smiled and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you, Edward. That means a lot to me. But honestly, as long as we can keep you-know-who from figuring out you-know-what, I'm looking forward to the Halloween party. I think you're perfect for Jack."
"Oh, really? Why is that, exactly?"
"Jack wasn't satisfied being who he was. He didn't realize that he was already pretty great," Bella said with a smirk.
"So that makes you the perfect Sally," I mused, "saving me from myself."
Bella smiled widely at the analogy. "I'd like to think so. We save each other."
I went back to reading.
---Okay, the carnage thing was supposed to be a joke. Turns out, not so much. First, Alice had completely overdone the decorations, right down to a huge cake and a stack of glass plates. I mean, seriously?! I was the only human there. Why did she need all those plates?
And of course, there were presents. Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie gave me a new stereo for my truck. It's already installed. Then I went to open Alice and Edward's present, and cut my finger on the wrapping paper. The next thing I knew, Edward had flung me backwards and I crashed into the table with the cake and plates. Jasper slammed into Edward, snarling and snapping, apparently trying to get to me. I fell down, right into the pile of glass shards, ending up with a large gash running from my elbow to my wrist. I honestly thought for a second I was going to die. Everyone looked hungry except Carlisle. Thankfully, he kicked everyone else out, including Edward, and stitched me up.
We actually had a very pleasant conversation. He told me all about his human life, his beliefs. How and why he was changed. How and why he changed Edward. Then we got to talking about Edward's beliefs. Edward believes they have no soul. That's why he doesn't want to change me. It makes sense now, at least. Even though it's ludicrous. He has the most beautiful soul.
I made Alice promise to tell Jasper I forgave him. It wasn't his fault. Now I just need to convince Edward that it wasn't his fault, either. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. I should have been more careful.
After we got back to my house, I opened Carlisle and Esme's gift. Tickets to Jacksonville for me and Edward! I have to remember to thank them properly. They spent too much money, but it was so thoughtful, and I'm so excited about the idea. Edward made me a CD of my lullaby and the song he wrote for Esme. It was so beautiful I cried.
My arm hurts. Edward gave me some Tylenol. I didn't want to take them, but I knew there was no way I could win the argument so I didn't bother trying. Edward worried me when we went to bed, talking about right and wrong. Then the way he kissed me, much more passionately then he usually allows. The way he did when I had to go to Phoenix without him to get away from James. Like it meant goodbye. I really hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be even worse than today.
I put the book down and turned to kiss Bella. I wrapped my fingers in her hair and quickly deepened the kiss. The emotions these memories were evoking were too painful, too powerful. I needed to feel Bella, to prove to both of us that we were alright, that it was in our past and we were together now and this time it is going to last. Forever. Never again do I want to kiss her and have her fear it means goodbye. When she needed to breathe, I held her tight. I didn't want to read any more. I knew what was coming.
"I'm okay, Edward," she said soothingly. "We're okay. Come on, let's keep going. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, right? We both know what's hiding under it. Let's just get it over with."
Bella took the book from my hands and started reading, her voice quiet and shaky.
September 14, 2005 – Today was just as bad as I'd feared. Jasper and Alice are gone. Edward didn't say where. We really didn't talk about anything. I asked Edward if he would come over after I got off work. He said "If you want me to." I told him I would ALWAYS want him. He just kissed my forehead and indifferently said "alright." I almost had a panic attack on my way to work.
When I got back from work, Edward was already here. Watching the game with my dad. Actually watching the game. He just blew me off when I came in. I am in full tilt panic mode now. Something is really, really wrong. I don't know what's going to happen. Am I going to have to stay away from his family? Are we going to have to run away together? That's got to be the worst case scenario, right?! He's just worried that it'll upset me when he asks me to leave. That's got to be the reason for the sudden distance between us. It would hurt my parents so much, but I would do it. For him. I'd do anything for Edward.
I decided to take some pictures with my new camera, put them in the scrapbook that Renee gave me so I would have something to remind me of our time here when we were gone. Edward was still acting so…unemotional. Empty. Charlie took a picture of us and Edward had his arm just barely around my shoulder, while I was squeezing him as tight as I could. As soon as the camera flashed, he twisted away from me and went back to watching television. My hands were shaking so much afterwards that all I could do was curl up in a ball on the couch. When he decided it was time to leave, he went straight for his car, and I had to chase after him. He said he wasn't staying tonight. He didn't even kiss me goodnight. He just…left. I can't sleep and I don't know what to do. How to fix this. I am so scared!
I knew, by now, the basics of what I had done to her when I left her. I hadn't realized how much I had affected her before I was even gone. Hearing her read it to me, in her own words, was almost too much to bear. Every impulse I had was telling me to throw the book in the fire, whisk Bella off to bed and spend the rest of the night making us both forget that awful time ever happened. Bella's facial expressions gave me no indication of what she was thinking or feeling and it bothered me.
"Bella?" She didn't look at me. She just shook her head and kept reading.
September 15, 2005 – Edward was no better today. He was next to me, but pretty much ignored me the entire day. I don't know what to do. We can't fix this if he won't talk to me. I picked up my pictures on my way home from work. The difference between the one I took of him before the party and the one Charlie took of us yesterday is so extreme it's painful. I couldn't concentrate on my homework, so I put together my scrapbook instead. I look so plain next to him, even in the last picture. How can I compare to a god? It's late now and Edward is obviously not coming over again. He didn't even call.
September 16, 2005 – Edward is even more remote today than yesterday. This is getting out of hand. I am going to talk to him about it today after school, and I'm not taking no for an answer. Worst case, I'm going to go see Carlisle tomorrow. My stupid birthday party is ancient history at this point but Edward is slipping farther and farther away from me by the minute. If only Alice would come back.
The handwriting below was sloppy, tear stained, and almost illegible.
He's gone. Life. Love. Everything. Over.
There were no words to be spoken between us at that moment. I gently took the book from her hands, picked her up and carried her to bed. We were utterly silent as we undressed each other and made love, not for pleasure, but out of sheer need to be as close to one another as physically possible. Afterwards, Bella laid completely on top of me, still joined, as she fell asleep and stayed there all night long as we held onto each other for dear life.
A/N: First stop on the Great Britian leg of the NCB Cullendales Revue -- Manchester! You never know where they'll go, but if you want them to "come" to a town near you, you have to let me know!