Drifting apart like two sheets of ice, my love
Frozen hearts growing colder with time
There's no heat from our mouths
Please take me back to my rich youth
And we were in flames, I needed I needed you
To run through my veins, like disease
And now we are strange, strangers
It's different now
Gray faced
Eyes burnt out
Flames are gone
Gloves are on
I have a feeling
Love's gone back
Went to the cinema, losing our minds
With comic fever, shutting confined spaces
Lost in the dark, my heart taken
Resting on your heart
'Winter' by Daughter
Chapter Nineteen
December 25th, 2004
Kozik hadn't been back home since I had found him in bed with that fake blonde bitch. He had called but I either didn't answer or hung up on him. He had come home but I had shut the door in his face, well more like slammed the door in his face.
Lana had tried to come and talk to me but I didn't listen, I had no interest in what she had to say in Kozik's defence. Happy had been by but he never brought Koz up, but I didn't miss the looks he gave me.
I had fallen into somewhat of a routine since Kozikhad left. I would go to school, go to work and then come home and clean and cook. Nothing else happened much, sometimes people would visit or I would visit someone else.
Happy seemed to have been put on some sort of protection detail, he was always around, he had said that Lee and Kozik had given him orders but I could tell it was more. Hell, we'd even settled into a routine of sorts.
On the nights he was here I would make us dinner, then we'd sit on the couch and talk while watching televisions. He'd say that he'd sleep on the couch or in the spare room but he'd always end up in my bed. I just prayed to God that Kozik didn't decide to come home and find Happy in my bed. It wasn't like we'd had had sex, but I knew what it would look like to Kozik, especially if he was drunk. I also knew that if I wasn't pregnant and his brothers Old Lady that we'd probably would'be already had sex. And I wasn't really sure what I was anymore, because it seemed like we weren't going to be together in the near future.
It was Christmas morning and I had never felt so alone. I was by myself at Christmas. Lana had offered to have me stay at her place but everything with Lee was still raw and I really didn't want to face him. I had stopped by Lucinda's house earlier in the day and now I was sitting at home bored out of my brains. I was going to Lana's house for Christmas dinner later on, I knew that Kozikwould be there but I figured that I needed to talk to him. Because even if we broke up, I was still pregnant with his kid, we would at least have to tolerate one another.
I was sitting on the couch, working my way through a whole tub of chocolate ice cream when I heard the door open. I quickly turned around, growing up with the President of a motorcycle club as a godfather meant that I was extra vigilant, to see Happy walking towards me. I had almost forgotten that I had given him a spare key so he could come and go as he pleased.
I gave him a look that said 'what are you doing here', sitting back down on the couch but keeping my eyes on him.
"Lana asked me to check in on you" he said sitting down next to me, eyeing the almost empty tub of ice cream.
"I can't drink" I said shrugging my shoulders, "I have to drown my sorrows somehow"
"Aren't you only eighteen?" He asked chuckling
"Doesn't mean I haven't had alcohol before" I said, scowling at him, "There's not much beer left in the fridge, you'll have to buy more"
Happy raised his eyebrows, giving me a questioning look. It was only then did I realise that I sounded like I was his Old Lady, but I shrugged off the thought.
"You're the only one who drinks it and I can't buy it" I explained and he just shrugged in response
I watched him, trying to do it in a non suspicious way so that he wouldn't notice, unfortunately he did. He looked back at me with such intensity that it almost scared me to look into his eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to look away. Before I knew it Happy had his lips pressed against mine, his hand at the back of my neck while the other stayed at my hip. I knew that it was wrong but I kissed him back anyway, there was something about Happy that made him irresistible to her. He moved his lips to her neck, pressing kisses to her warm skin while his hand worked his way up her top, stopping when he felt the obvious bulge of her pregnant stomach.
"What?" I said in barely a whisper, my voice was coarse and I could barely recognise it as my own
Happy moved away from me, getting up off of the couch, an angry expression on his face, but there was more than just anger. There was lust, shame and guilt. He wanted me and he hated that he did.
"I need to stay away from you" he growled, "This is wrong"
I wanted to protest but I knew that he was right. This was wrong and it needed to end before someone got hurt.
"You should leave" I said straightening up my top, refusing to look at him because if I did then I would probably burst into tears
"See you later, kid" he said, not looking at me before walking out of my house.
I waited until I couldn't hear his bike anymore to break down in tears, sliding down onto the floor. I was a crumpled mess. And I hated it.
I was laying on my couch, trying to figure out what I should do about my situation. Ava had told me to cut it off, Lana had warned me before anything even started, and now I was in too deep, I cared too much.
I knew that I loved Kozik, but I also knew that I had feelings for Happy. I was confused; before I'd come back to Tacoma I'd never thought I'd end up like this, pregnant, confused and alone. I wanted nothing more than to be a kid again. Go back to the days when my mother was alive, when my father had been happy, when I had thought that boys were gross and wanted nothin to do with them.
But I was an adult now, and that meant that I would have to deal with things in an adult way. I just hoped that I could.
I would love for you to review if you like it. It's your last chance to vote on the poll for who Valerie should end up with; I would love it if you would review and tell me who you want her to be with and why, what you say might just sway the outcome of the next few chapters.