Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own this storyline, my OCs, and the most beautiful $8 Mother's Day necklace the world has ever seen.
A/N: First, I want to dedicate this chapter to Daddy's Little Cannibal, her family, friends, and everyone who loved her writing. She had an amazing creative mind that was silenced way before her time. Rest in peace, Stephanie.
Song choice for this chapter is "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters. Thanks as always to readingtime and The Fab 5.
I'm doing one more reading selection here before I switch over to the blog. The only reason I haven't recommended this story before was because I was waiting for the ending. She knows why -- I was on the lookout for blue eyed babies. But the story is complete now, and I can say with all my heart that I am a Devoted Servant of Master Jasper. If you don't know what that means, then run, don't walk, to The Forbidden Room by DefinitelyStaying. It is definitely a 'for adult eyes only' D/s story with E/B, E/J, J/B, J/B/E, J/E/OCs. You name it, it's in there, and it's HOT! Add in an amazing storyline and characters you fall in love with and you've got a phenomenal masterpiece. It is, of course, on my favorites list.
Edward's POV
What had started the evening before as pure need to be as close to one another as possible had over the course of the night turned into sweet torture. Without the distraction from the intense feelings in the heat of the moment, I was able to languidly enjoy the sensation of being seated inside my Bella, feel her soft flesh wrapped around my member, her hot breath on my neck. It was heavenly. We were truly one in every way. Of course, the flip side was every slight move she made only renewed my arousal for her until I was practically mad with desire. My hands had a mind of their own, lazily exploring and caressing her naked body while she slept. I fiddled with her heart pendant that looked even more exquisite when it was the only thing she was wearing. When Bella started to stir in the morning, I couldn't help but lift my hips to thrust into her. Bella awoke with a start, the surprise marking her features quickly replaced with a lustful smirk. I cupped her ass in my hands and flipped us over so she was underneath me. Bella lifted her head to kiss me. I moved one hand to hold her head to me as I deepened the kiss, loving the feel of her tongue against mine.
"Mmmm…good morning to you, too," Bella murmured between kisses, wrapping her arms around me. She slid her hands down my back, scraping her fingernails against my granite skin as she went before grabbing my buttocks and squeezing. My hips bucked into hers instinctively and she wrapped her legs around me as I began thrusting into her with all the force I dared. Somewhere in the corner of my brain the thought popped up that I was looking forward to the day when she was like me. I would love to just let loose and pound into her with reckless abandon. I shook my head, surprised at the path of my own thoughts, and refocused on savoring the moment with her. I caressed her cheek, kissing a trail from her jaw to her collarbone while my hand kneaded her supple breast. I loved the way her nipple pressed against my palm. I picked up speed as her wet heat seared my flesh in the most delicious way. Bella began kissing my chest, licking her tongue around one of my nipples before biting it.
I threw my head back and growled. "Jesus, Bella!" Bella chuckled with satisfaction as she moved on to the other nipple. Reaching between us, I found her sensitive bundle of nerves, already throbbing against my touch and pinched it lightly between my thumb and forefinger, my head dropping to her shoulder. Bella's orgasm exploded around me, pulsating and clenching me even tighter as I thrust one last time and came.
I gently slid out of her folds and rolled onto my back, bringing her with me. She curled against me on her side and her fingertips began lazily dancing across my skin, much the same as mine had hers when she was sleeping. A soft purr formed in the base of my throat and I felt Bella's cheeks lift up into a smile against my chest.
"What are you smiling about?" I asked her, kissing the top of her head.
"You. Purring. I love that you feel so content, that I do that for you."
"Only you, my love. Stay here and relax. Let me bring you breakfast in bed before we get ready for school." I kissed her nose and started to get up when she placed her hand on my arm, stopping me.
"I don't want to go to school today, Edward. I want to finish reading the journal with you. Finally put it all behind us once and for all." I stared in her eyes, not sure if I was ready for more of the anguish it would surely yield, but she was determined, and in the end, I could deny her nothing. I nodded in agreement.
"Alright, well in that case, you can have breakfast in bed while we read." I got up, grabbing my phone from the nightstand to text Heidi and Felix before making Bella a quick breakfast of cereal, juice, and coffee. I snuck outside to pick a flower off one of the mums in the front yard and put it into a bud vase on the tray before returning to her.
She smiled at me appreciatively. "Would you mind reading first while I eat?" she asked. I swallowed reflexively and nodded, turning the page to the bookmark. I stared again at the last words we had read last night. Love. Life. Meaning. Over. I looked up and met her gaze.
"You know it was the same for me, right? I inflicted it on both of us, and that doesn't make what I did to you any better, but you need to know, it was the same for me. All meaning in my life was gone the moment I ran away from you," I pleaded with her to understand.
"I know that now, Edward, but I didn't then, and that was what hurt the most. And don't feed me that 'I shouldn't have believed you' crap again, because I don't want to hear it. I loved you. I trusted you. And I was already insecure about our relationship and you knew that. You played on that. I forgave you a long time ago. Just as you've forgiven me. It's no longer a matter of forgiveness with us. It's a matter of trust." She was right. We weren't subjecting ourselves to this exercise to gain forgiveness. We each needed to truly understand what we had wrought so we could learn to trust in one another again. With that in mind, I read on.
There were no entries between September 17th and October 30th. The very next entry, so shakily and sloppy written it didn't even look like Bella's handwriting, was, I assumed, on Halloween. It wasn't dated.
Vampires knocking on the door begging for candy. I wish they'd just go away and leave me alone. All the real ones did.
Then another undated entry.
Got rid of every damn CD that reminded me of him. None of them are the one I really want to listen to anyway. That one's already gone. Ripped that stereo out of my truck, too.
I noticed the word 'him' was written with much more force on her pen, the lines thicker and darker. I could imagine her gripping the pen in her fist, holding it more like a knife than a writing instrument. I was certain even a human would be able to feel the indentations her pen made on the original with that word. I also noticed there were trace stains, small reddish brown smears on the paper. I realized they were bloodstains. She'd removed the stereo with her bare hands, injuring herself in the process. Jesus.
After that, there were no more entries for the rest of the year. Nothing about Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Year's. Nothing. She hadn't missed one day writing in her journal up until that point, not even when she had to run away to Phoenix. Even the day of the fight at the ballet studio was filled in after the fact at the hospital. But here, I inflicted damage worse than any James could have. Four months -- completely blank, utterly devoid of life. The extent of her pain suddenly felt quantifiable in a way it never had before. I almost wished it didn't.
January 16, 2006 – Charlie threatened to send me to Jacksonville, or to a shrink, if I don't start 'handling' it. I decided to prove to him I'm okay and ask Jessica to go see a zombie movie with me. Ironic, huh? Movie sucked. Why'd they need all that romance before they got to the hack and slash? On our way to McDonald's, the strangest thing happened. We walked by a bar, One Eyed Pete's. There were four guys standing outside. I could have sworn they were the same guys that tried to attack me before. I wasn't afraid. What did I have to lose? I've already lost everything. I headed towards them to get a closer look. Jessica thought what I was doing was suicidal. It wasn't, not strictly speaking. After all, if it was those same men and something had happened to me, they would have been the ones to do it, not me. Anyway, I got half way across the street when I heard his voice. He told me to stop it, to go back to Jessica. He reminded me that I promised not to do anything stupid. It was so beautiful, velvety, just like I remembered. Even though it was furious, angry. He snarled and growled at me to turn around, making it easy to pretend he cared. I am either crazy, or my brain is fabricating his voice as a defense mechanism to give me a break from the pain, to help me lie to myself that he cared whether I lived or died. Either way, once I realized it wasn't the same men, that these guys weren't dangerous, the voice disappeared. But as soon as the voice disappeared, the pain came back, a bleeding, throbbing hole in my chest.
January 17, 2006 – I promised not to do anything reckless. Fuck that. He promised a lot of things, too. He promised he'd stay as long as it made me happy. Then when he broke that promise, he promised it would be as though he never existed. What kind of bullshit promise is that?! Well, you know what, I can break promises, too. I got a couple of motorcycles today. Jacob Black said he'd rebuild them and teach me to ride.
"Bella…love…do we have to read all the stuff about Jacob?" I pleaded with her. What would there be to learn from that except that the mongrel tried to move in on my girl? I already knew that.
Bella smirked, rolling her eyes at me, but compromised. "How about this? You speed read through the next couple of months and we'll just talk about the stuff that is relevant to you in the here and now?" Sounded fair enough. I'd still have to read it, but at least I wouldn't have to rehash it in conversation.
"Like ripping off a Band-Aid, right?" I teased.
"Exactly," she said, taking another sip of her coffee. The entries were different than before I left. Shorter. To the point. Not at all poetic. They lacked any sense of life, of vitality, of joy. They were for the most part nothing more than a recount of the day's events.
January 19, 2006 – I've been in Forks one year today. I went to their house today. I suppose I was hoping to hear his voice again. I didn't. The house was still there, abandoned. Just like me. I drove like a bat out of hell straight to Jacob's house. Besides 'the voice', he's the only thing that helps me breathe.
January 25, 2006 – Jacob finished the bikes today! I got to break a promise and take it out riding! And even better – the velvet voice was back, and boy was it pissed! It called me childish and reckless and idiotic, and it was beautiful. The voice thinks I'm suicidal, too. Tried to order me to go home to Charlie. Well, I might want to HEAR it but that doesn't mean I'm going to LISTEN to it. I've finally figured it out. Adrenaline + danger + stupidity = velvet voice. I crashed, of course, but it was only seven little stitches on my head. Totally worth it.
Oh, and on our way to go test out the bikes, we saw Sam and his crew cliff diving. I think I've found my next reckless act! Jacob was stressed out about the weird goings on with Sam's gang. I gave him a hug. It felt good to be close to someone again. To have a friend. But I'm beginning to think he sees it as more. I'll deal with that later. Much later.
January 28, 2006 – Crashed the bike again. Flew into a tree. Freaking hurt. Probably got another concussion. Got to hear the voice yelling at me for five whole minutes, though. Totally worth it. Told Charlie I fell hiking.
January 30, 2006 – Jacob convinced me to lay off the bike for a week, so we don't get caught. Instead, we're going to go searching for the meadow. I've got to be able to hear his voice there, right?
"Bella, I don't know what to say about these entries," I admitted quietly. It's no wonder the voice in her head thought she was suicidal. Reading these entries, I would have to agree with him.
"Then just keep reading," she responded just as softly. I fast forwarded, speed reading past Valentine's Day candies and movies and Jake telling her he was going to be 'annoyingly persistent' in his attempts to make her fall in love with him. Finally something I agreed with that dog about. He was nothing if not annoying. I didn't realize how many times Bella tried to tell him she just wanted to be friends, and he just smiled and ignored her. She would try to pull her hand away, he would squeeze tighter. And yet she kept going back to him, because he was there, and I wasn't, and she needed someone, something to dull the pain from the hole I created. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel any worse than I already did for that time in our lives, but I did. Infinitely so. And my anger at Jacob only grew. I growled under my breath, but Bella heard it.
"Edward…focus," Bella said. I continued speed reading through Bella's anguish at being separated from Jacob, oblivious to the signs of his transformation written on the page, until I got to the page where she went to the meadow, and Laurent.
March 4, 2006 – I found the meadow today. It wasn't the same, not without him. No velvet voice, either, at least, not until all hell broke loose. Laurent showed up. For the briefest moment, I thought it was him, but it wasn't. When I realized Laurent's eyes were still red, the voice showed up, telling me to lie to him when he asked if the Cullens visited often. Even Laurent realized that I must not mean much to them if they left me 'unprotected' as he put it. When Laurent told me about Victoria and his plans to kill me, the voice told me to threaten him, beg. It didn't work. I kept repeating 'Edward I love you' in my head, certain that I was going to die at any moment, when these five giant wolves, big as horses, attacked him and chased him into the woods. It took me hours to find my way back to the truck. Now I have two vampires after me. I'm putting Charlie in danger, too, just by being here. The only difference is this time, there's no one to help me, nowhere to run.
She hadn't realized that it was Jacob and his friends who had saved her, for which I will be forever grateful; it should have been me. She hadn't realized that Laurent was dead. She lived with that fear for a full week before figuring out that Jacob was a werewolf, making it possible for him to tell her they'd at least killed Laurent and could try to protect her and Charlie from Victoria. More of Jacob trying to crowbar his way into her heart. Meeting Emily. Then came the day she went cliff-diving.
March 16, 2006 – I think today's the day I took the adrenaline rush thing a little too far. Jacob and I were supposed to go cliff diving, but he was out chasing down Victoria. I couldn't just sit around and wait to make sure everyone made it back alive, so I went by myself. I didn't bother looking for the path to the lower ledge that we were planning on jumping from. I wanted to jump from the top. I needed to hear his voice, needed to dull the pain. And I did hear it, disapproving and angry and perfect, pleading with me not to do it. Then I jumped. But I didn't plan on the current being so strong and it took me under. I was drowning. Dying. Edward's voice told me to keep swimming, not to give up, but it was no use. He told me to keep fighting, but I didn't want to. I was happy it was almost over. Not only could I hear his voice, but I could see his face, so beautiful, even with him angry at me for giving up. Why would I fight? I was happy, content drowning. Then Jacob saved me, and told me Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. He died. How selfish can I be? Charlie could have lost one of his best friends and his daughter all in one day. All because of me. I can't be reckless anymore. I have to give up my hallucinations of Edward. Grow up. Maybe I could, with Jacob. It would be settling for Paris when I really needed Romeo, but Romeo isn't coming back. Could I give just a little of my love to Jacob? Edward didn't want it. Why would he care? I heard his voice telling me to 'be happy' and I almost made yet another mistake today. When Jacob leaned to kiss me, I almost let him. But the moment was interrupted when Jacob smelled a vampire at my house, and not just any vampire. Alice! She saw me jump off the cliff, but didn't see me afterwards, so she assumed I was dead and came back to help Charlie. She was going to turn around and leave since I was still alive, but I begged her to stay. I don't know how long she'll be here. I'm just happy she's here now.
"Bella! You were trying to kill yourself!" I hugged her to me, probably tighter than I should, kissing every part of her I could reach, her hair, her forehead. I had been so close to losing her forever without even knowing it. So close to destroying the one thing in this world I needed the most. If I didn't lose her to suicide, I would have lost her to Jacob, who had once again saved her life. I've never been more thankful for their ability to block Alice's visions.
"No, I wasn't!" Bella stuttered, knowing as well as I did that it was only a half truth.
"I had always suspected, but you said you weren't and I believed you. But the truth is right here in black and white. When you approached those strange men in Port Angeles, it was almost as if you wanted it to be those criminals from before, because if they killed you, then you got to end your life without having to pull the trigger. Same thing with the cliff diving. You may have jumped for recreation, or just to hear my voice, but when you quit fighting against the current, when you decided to just let yourself drown and was happy about it -- right there, in that moment, you were committing suicide. Both times you did it in a way where if you were successful no one would know you intentionally ended your own life, but you would have just the same. Oh God, Bella…" She needed me. Every bit as much as I needed her in my life, she needed me. And just like me, she was willing to throw it all away when she thought I was gone forever. Thank God it didn't work. For either of us.
Bella put her head down, looking at her hands wringing in her lap. It was several long minutes before she replied, her voice barely a whisper.
"I'm stronger now…and so are you."
Bella took the book from me and continued reading.
March 18/19, 2006 – Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, it does. At least in my world. Maybe instead of calling it Murphy's Law it should be Bella's Law. Jacob came over to visit, to ask me about the Cullens coming back. Alice stepped out so we could talk in private. One thing led to another and I think Jacob was about to try and kiss me when the phone rang, blessedly interrupting us because I had no idea whether or not to let it happen. He thought it was Carlisle who was asking for Charlie. It wasn't. It was Edward. Turns out Rosalie told him about Alice's vision of me jumping off the cliff. He thinks I'm dead. Especially since Jacob said Charlie was 'at the funeral.' He's going to Italy, to provoke the Volturi into killing him. So now for the second time in a year I am racing towards what could be my impending death. Alice and I are preparing to face the Volturi on the chance that maybe, just maybe, I can get to Edward before it's too late. Jacob begged me to stay, in essence, to choose him over Edward. It was never a choice. Even if Edward doesn't love me, it will always be Edward. Only Edward. Soon, I will either see him, or take the easy way out and let them kill me too. There's an odd comfort in that. Alice promised me that if we manage to save him, she'll turn me. Maybe once I'm strong and beautiful like him, I'll be good enough. He won't need distractions. I don't have time to think about that now, though. We're getting ready to land. Alice said he's going to walk into the town square at noon, in broad daylight, sparkling for all the world to see. Brilliant. Stupid, but brilliant. God, I hope we get there in time.
"Isabella, you and I are so alike, aren't we?" I didn't have to explain. She knew exactly what I meant.
"Never again?" she asked.
"Never again." It didn't miss my attention that in an ironic twist of fate the very phone call that sent me to Italy was quite possibly the only thing that kept Bella from giving up on me entirely and giving in to Jacob. Bella turned to the last page in her journal and began to read.
March 21, 2006 – I got to Edward in the nick of time. He didn't think I was real, at first. Ironic, right? That he thought he was hallucinating me? Didn't exactly have a chance to tell him I've got the market cornered on that little piece of crazy. But then two of the guard, Felix and Demetri showed up, and this little girl vampire named Jane. That Felix guy was creepy, calling 'Dibs' on what by Edward's growls I can only assume was on who was going to get to kill me. We went through this long, cold tunnel to this building. They led us into this large, round, stone room, with an ominous drain in the middle of the floor. Aro, Marcus, and Caius were there.
Aro actually seemed quite congenial, professing his love for happy endings. He talked about Carlisle and how it pleased him that Carlisle found success in his vegetarian lifestyle and ability to surround himself with people who shared his beliefs. He assured Edward he meant me no harm, then said he was curious to see if I could block his mind reading abilities the way I block Edward's. He held my hand as if to kiss it, and suddenly it was as if my entire life was flashing before my eyes, from the current moment backwards until the moment I first laid eyes on the Cullens in the cafeteria. It made me a little woozy, and Edward rushed towards me to catch me from falling. He only made it half way to me before he collapsed, writhing in pain. Aro caught me and held me up until he seemed confident I was steady on my feet before turning to the little girl vampire and calmly saying her name. Instantly, she stopped.
My anger got the best of my common sense as I started storming at her, my hands in fists at my side. "You did that to him?! On purpose?" I really have no idea what I meant to accomplish, because sure enough I ended up on the ground, feeling as though thousands of volts of electricity were coursing through my system. Thankfully, Aro stopped her quickly.
He asked us each if we wanted to join them. Myself included. Told Caius that I had 'enormous potential.' He agreed to let us go free, but only if Edward could touch his hand and prove to him that he intended to change me. Edward couldn't do it. But Alice did. As we were leaving, this vampire they called Heidi was ushering in a large group of tourists. They didn't know they were dinner until it was too late. My heart breaks just thinking about them.
Now we're flying home.
I don't know how long he'll stay before he leaves again. He might stay a while out of guilt. He might leave again tomorrow. But at least I saved him, got to have his arms around me one more time. Got to pretend he still loves me as much as I love him. No matter what happens in my life from here on out, no matter how much it will hurt when he leaves again, it was worth it.
It was an odd place for her to end the journal. I was certain she kept writing after this date, but for some reason, that was the last day she chose to share with me. It struck me as strange that she wouldn't include our reconciliation, our reunion, the spring and summer months we shared before Jasper entered her life. I half expected her to include her early days with him; then again, Bella is not that cruel. But the rest…?
"Bella, why did you end it there?"
Bella looked at me and smiled a sad smile. "Because every good love story deserves a happily ever after -- the white knight and the fairy princess riding off into the sunset. That day was our ride into the sunset, that day should have been the start of our happily ever after."
I put the book down and pulled her into my lap, staring into her eyes as the sun set behind her through the window. "But don't you see, my love? In the most strange and unexpected way, it was."
I realized that we'd been reading all day, and Bella had nothing to eat since breakfast. I whipped her up a grilled chicken salad, which she also ate in bed. We curled up in each other's arms and talked half the night away about everything we'd read in her journal, everything that I'd suffered through in her absence. We talked about what happened when we got back, and how we'd both managed to throw it all away once more. We talked about our trust issues, both hers and mine. Finally, we talked about how, through it all, our love never died, and how we were stronger now than ever before.
A/N: Bear in mind that in my little AU, I assume the position that Bella is not a shield. Her ability to block Edward is her singer's immunity. Also keep in mind that Eclipse never happened, so all Edward knows of Jacob is that he's a juvenile werewolf who was moving in on his girl while he was away.
For the same reason you can't go to Columbus, Ohio without going to Ann Arbor, Michigan -- you can't go to Manchester without also going to Leeds. Enjoy your lap dance with Jasper and the NCBs, Kiara. ;)