'The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.'
Elizabeth Gilbert
Chapter Twenty Three- Leaving
December 31st, 2003
I stood in the kitchen, as much as I tried I couldn't tear my eyes away from the spot on the ground, the spot where I now know I had lost my child.
I hadn't gotten out of bed since I had come home, only ate when someone forced me to. Kozik hadn't been home yet, probably drowning his sorrows in booze and pussy. I couldn't stay here any longer. I couldn't stay in this house. I couldn't stay in Tacoma.
I ran into my room and started throwing some clothes into a duffel bag, I was only planning on going for a few days. Where I was going I didn't know. I just knew that I needed to go.
"What are you doing?" Asked a voice, I spun around and saw Happy standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, "I asked you a question"
"I'm leaving" I said, throwing the last bit of clothes in the bag
"Where you going?"
"I...I don't know, I need to leave" I said picking up the bag, "Please, take me somewhere, anywhere. I can't be here anymore"
Happy looked at me, his eyes bore into mine like he was trying to decide what he should do. After what felt like an hour he finally spoke.
"Okay"
Then he turned and walked outside, I slowly picked up my bag and followed him outside. He was already sitting on his bike, waiting for me, I climbed onto the back and wrapped my arms around him. Happy gave me a quick glance before starting the bike and speeding off.
I felt guilty that I was running away. But I needed this. I needed to leave.
We had been on the road for a couple hours when Happy stopped at a motel. It seemed like he had been there before because the woman behind the desk knew him. He got a key and took me to one of the rooms, unlocking the door and walking inside.
Happy tossed my bag on the bed before sitting down, I sat down beside him, unsure about what to say.
"Thanks, for taking me" I said, "I know that you didn't have to"
Happy just grunted and lit a cigarette, leaning back against the headboard with his legs outstretched.
"I don't want to get you in trouble" I said, moving so that I was next to him, "It was a selfish thing to do"
"No" he said, putting out his cigarette, "It wasn't"
"Yes, it was-" I started but before I could finish Happy had his lips against mine in a rough kiss
I was shocked at first but then I started kissing him back, trying to ignore the knowledge that this wouldn't lead anywhere good. He moved his lips to my neck, his hand moving inside my shirt. It was when his hand brushed over my stomach that I realized that this was wrong.
"Happy, no. Happy, stop" I said pushing him away, "We shouldn't do this, it'll only get you into more trouble"
Happy moved away from me, not saying anything as he stood up, refusing to look at me even.
"I'm getting a drink" he said walking to the door, "Don't wait up"
Happy slammed the door behind him as he left, I laid back down on the bed, wondering what I should do. He was obviously angry with me. Kozik would be angry with me when he found out that I left. Lana would be angry. Lee would be angry. Everyone was angry at me.
I felt so alone, like I had nothing anymore, like I had no one. And that's how I fell asleep. Crying, letting the feelings of grief and loneliness consume until I was drowning under the weight of all my thoughts.
It wasn't an easy sleep that night, I tossed and turned as nightmares flooded my head. Dreams about my child being ripped from my arms. Dreams about everyone leaving me. I relived that moment, that moment that ruined my life, that destroyed my happiness.
January 1st, 2004
I was shaken awake by Happy, he stunk of alcohol but seemed alert. I wanted to protest when he said we'd be leaving but I knew that whatever I said wouldn't make a difference.
So I went along with it, quickly changed my clothes before hopping on the back of Happy's bike. He didn't tell me where we were going, and I didn't ask. I was just glad that he still let me come along, I half thought that he'd leave me at the motel.
It was a few hours of riding before he finally pulled into a driveway, stopping in front of a small one storey house. As soon as we stopped I got off, my eyes flicking over every detail of the house. The garden was well kept, the paint on the house was slightly faded but other than that the house looked like it was in good condition.
"Where are we?" I asked but Happy didn't answer, just walked up the steps and knocked on the door
I followed him, slightly hiding behind him. I wanted to reach out and touch him but thought better of it. I really just wanted to see who we came to see.
"Happy" said the voice of a women, "It's good to see you, who's with you?"
I peered around Happy to see a woman standing in the doorway. She was short, her hair was black but was greying, her brown eyes were the same colour as Happy's. Judging by the similarities this was Happy's mother.
"I'm Valerie" I said, her eyes were looking at me warily, but she invited us inside nonetheless.
"I'm Maria, Happy's mother" she said, "Bur I guess you already knew that"
I smiled at her as she led us inside, sitting down next to Happy on the couch. He stretched out his arm, slinging it over the back of the couch behind me.
"Would you like something to eat?" She asked
"I'm fine, thank you" I said, Happy raised his eyebrow at me but I ignored him.
"Are you two together?" She asked, looking between us
"No" we both said, maybe a little too fast, Happy moving his arm away from me
"We're just friends" I insisted, but from the look she was giving us she didn't believe me
"Okay" she said anyway, "Valerie, you can have the spare room and Happy will sleep on the couch. No arguing"
I didn't bother arguing and neither did Happy, we both just nodded at her. I smiled at Maria, I liked this women.
'It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.'
John Green