Date written: Wed 14 Oct 2009
Author: Starway Man
E-mail: theop at hotkey dot net dot au
Disclaimer: The Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar, Kuzui, Fox, WB and UPN; I don't own 'em, and I never will. I also do not own any other characters from any television shows, movies, comics, videogames or literature that I might use. This work is meant merely for enjoyment, and no profit is being made off of it. Some of the text is from various TV episodes or movies or comics or videogames or literature, and so does not belong to me of course.
Rating: Overall R, with mostly PG-13 parts.
Symbols: " " denotes speech, ( italics ) specifies thoughts, and # # indicates phone voice.
Main characters: Xander, ensemble
Warnings: There is some violence, bad language, character death and mention of sexual situations in these stories.
Author Notes: A couple of years ago Night Hunter MGS (a.k.a. Matt) wrote an awesome series of stories called "31 Days of Xanderween" (http://www .fanfiction .net/s/3813208/1/31_Days_of_Xanderween), where he published one Halloween fic for each day of October. I was inspired enough to want to do my own version of the concept, and he has graciously allowed me to use his idea for this series of fanfic stories.
Author Notes 2: Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback and reviews lately. Now the credit for inspiring this story definitely has to go to Nodakskip, over the years he's come up with quite a few ideas for how the girls on BtVS could end up at the Playboy mansion, and so this was one of the easier stories for me to write. Add to that how American Soldier loved the idea, and you end up with this...
Acknowledgments: My thanks of course to Matt for allowing me to dabble with his original idea this way. Also, my deepest gratitude to all my beta readers – Francis Eugene, Greywizard, American Soldier and Nodakskip – for all their help in getting these stories finished on time!
Classification: Alternate Universe, Angst, Crossover, Romance, YAHF
Summary: Thirty-one versions of Halloween, Xander-style. Fic-a-day series.
Title:31 Days of Xanderween Part Deux
***
Story 14: Let's Talk About Sex
Sunnydale High School, Sunnydale, California
October 30th, 1997
Xander Harris was not a happy camper, as he opened his locker after storming out of the student lounge. Because he still couldn't believe that his friend Buffy Summers, the vampire Slayer, could truly be that clueless about guys and the guy code.
( Larry was about to pummel me, and the Buffster decides to step in to defend my ass? Somebody should just tattoo 'loser wimp sissy man' all across my forehead! Okay, so there might not be enough room for all that up there, but...no, wait, gotta focus! I have to do something to fix this fast, or my reputation – such as it is – will go completely down the toilet! ) he thought to himself.
At that moment, Xander spied something inside his locker. Being a normal male teenager in southern California, even looking at linoleum was enough to make him think about sex, so he had a number of Playboys in his locker. Including the latest edition featuring this year's Miss October, Layla Roberts.
( Oh man, what a babe, ) Xander thought dreamily to himself, unable to resist a quick peek at this month's Playmate. ( Blonde hair, brown eyes, perfect 36-24-36 figure, C-cup breasts...all she needs is Slayer powers, and she'd be... )
Just then, Xander had an idea. Both on what sort of costume to wear for tomorrow night's Halloween child safety escort program, and a way to improve his public image.
He also had a great idea on how Buffy could make it up to him for embarrassing his ass in front of all their classmates just now...
***
Sunnydale High School, Sunnydale, California
October 31st, 1997
"HARRIS!!" Principal Snyder shouted, as soon as he saw the young man in his Halloween outfit. "What the devil are you wearing?!"
"You mean this, Principal Snyder sir?" Xander asked glibly, gesturing at himself. He was dressed in a smoking jacket that he'd picked up from Ethan's Costume Shop, black leather pants, shoes and a cigar in one pocket. "Well, you said we had to dress up for Halloween. Is there something wrong with my costume?"
"You dressed up as Hugh Hefner, you perverted little deviant?" Snyder roared, full of hostility towards the founder of Playboy magazine.
"Uh, no sir," Xander could barely contain his laughter. "I'm Alexander Hefner, actually, his illegitimate grandson. 'Cause Hef's over seventy years old, and I don't think I could pass for-"
"QUIET! You-" Snyder's eyes almost bugged out as he spied Xander's friends, Buffy and Willow Rosenberg, who were both dressed in skimpy clothes with pink/white rabbit ears on their heads. Both girls looked uncomfortable with all the stares they were getting as Playboy Playmates, but Snyder was too busy almost foaming at the mouth to notice that.
"That's IT! All of you, get out of my school! Not only have you three got detention for a week, I don't want to see your faces for the rest of the night! Out, out – I'll find someone else to escort your children!" the principal roared.
"Gee, Principal Snyder – is this because ol' Grandpa Hef said he experimented with bisexuality back in 1971? 'Cause it's okay, I don't happen to swing that way..." Xander said with a perfectly straight face, even though he knew everyone had to be staring at him with their jaws about to hit the floor.
"GET. OUT!!" Snyder screamed like a man on the verge of a heart attack.
Buffy grabbed him and Willow and started hauling them away. "Well, I hope you're happy now, Xander," she said with some exasperation. "I TOLD you this was a bad idea!!"
"How do you figure that, Buff?" Xander asked with a big smile on his face. "We're officially out of rug-rat escort duty, and we've got the rest of the night to party like it's 1999!"
"Detention for a week?" Willow moaned, terribly disappointed that her perfect school record was going to be permanently marred from now on. But it was her own fault that she'd dressed up like this, not wanting Buffy to suffer the humiliation alone. She just hadn't expected Snyder to totally fly off the handle in that manner.
Xander just put his arms around both his girls' shoulders. "What's the dire? Giles will take detention as usual, don'tcha think? So it'll just be business as usual for us, right?"
"Still, Xander, it's the principle of the thing!" Miss Rosenberg insisted, as they made their way down the corridor.
Only to encounter Miss Cordelia Chase, all dressed up in a leopard-like cat suit from Partytown. Her eyes went wide at the sight of Buffy and Willow dressed as what she would describe as rabbit-ear sluts, and Xander dressed up as some sort of man-ho.
"Who are you three supposed to be?" she demanded haughtily.
"Can't you tell? This is Miss October, and this is Miss November," Xander gestured to Buffy and Willow in turn. "And I'm Alexander Hefner, descendant of Hugh Hefner at your service, Cor."
( Oh my God, I can't believe Xander Harris actually looks HOT in that outfit! ) the cheerleader thought to herself, before quickly snapping out of it. "Snyder is actually gonna let you three escort little kids around, wearing stuff like that?" Queen C asked.
"Uh, no, he's not," Willow said sorrowfully, still mourning the death of her unblemished scholastic record. "We just got kicked out of the safety program a minute ago."
"So you've all got the night off? Lucky you. Well, just don't come to the Shelter Club," Miss Chase said imperiously to the three social outcasts.
"Why not?" Buffy wanted to know.
"That's where I'm meeting my boyfriend, later on tonight-"
"You and Devon are still together? That's gotta be a dating record for you, Cor," Xander said in fake amazement. "Hey, what does that guy have that I don't?" Harris gestured to his Halloween costume.
"How about a face lacking acne?" Cordelia asked him nastily.
"Well, at least I have the bigger...bank account," Xander said suggestively, swinging his hips forward just enough for Cordelia to get the idea.
"OH!" Miss Chase seethed angrily. "Well, of all the – stay away from me, you loser!" The young woman then stalked off in a huff.
"Xander, did you have to piss her off like that? You KNOW that Cordelia's gonna get her revenge on you somehow," Buffy warned him.
"Yeah, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up, Buff," Xander had such a wide grin on his face that he almost looked like a clown without makeup. "And you know what? I suddenly feel like visiting the Shelter Club – you heard what she called me just now..."
***
Outside the Shelter Club, Sunnydale, California
Not long after sunset
"I don't like the look of this place," Willow said, giving the impression of being slightly green at the sight of the run-down establishment. "I, I heard it's like some kind of mosh pit inside?"
"Yeah, I don't like it either. Sorry, Xand, but I think I'm gonna pass – Willow?" the Slayer looked sideways at her best friend.
"Yeah, me too," Miss Rosenberg nodded. "Come on, Xander – what do you say we just go back to Buffy's place, and watch some Indie movies on TV?"
Xander was tempted to say yes, but then he saw Cordelia with the band 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' not far away and he just couldn't pass up the opportunity to spar a little more with his female nemesis. Besides, Bollywood didn't hold quite the same attraction for him these days that it once did.
"Nah, me man – me battle!" he proclaimed with a wide grin. "As the duly elected king of cretins, I must engage with the dreaded Queen C! Otherwise, she could get up to all sorts of dastardly mischief – like passing a law banning Hawaiian shirts!"
Both Willow and Buffy rolled their eyes, and simply bade him farewell. Xander then sauntered up to the approaching group and said, "Hi, guys. I'm glad I got here in time for the band's first set!"
"How dare you show up, zits for brains?!" Cordelia was instantly livid at the sight of her childhood enemy. "I thought I told you and your friends not to come here tonight!"
"There a problem?" the bass guitarist named Oz spoke up, looking at Xander curiously.
"No, dude, no problem," Xander sent Oz a friendly smile. "I just came here to see you guys perform this evening, and I couldn't resist coming over to say hi after I saw you all just now-"
"Get lost, Xander!" Cordy hissed, causing Devon to stare at her in surprise. "I told you, you're not welcome here!"
"Hey, babe, calm down," Devon said, putting his arm around his girlfriend's shoulder. He added, "The guy's a fan of the band, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to hang with us-"
"Are you honestly that STUPID?! You really think that Xander isn't doing this just to try to get at me, in his own pathetic way?" Cordelia glared at her boyfriend, throwing his arm off. "Oh, that's it! Devon, consider your ass dumped, you-you moron!" She then stormed into the club, her destiny going greatly off-track in more ways than one.
"Harsh," Oz commented in his own Yoda-like way.
"Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I mean, I guess it's kinda my fault that Cordy just broke up with you," Xander said apologetically to the lead singer. He honestly hadn't intended for anything like that to happen.
"No big," Devon replied, the self-centred musician apparently having already gotten over the trauma somehow. "Hey, guy, you wanna help us out with the gear? We don't have a roadie right now, and it means free entry for you into the club."
With nothing else planned for the night, Xander simply shrugged and said yes.
***
The Shelter Club, Sunnydale, California
Less than half an hour later
The establishment was packed – after all, this was the Halloween holiday. The music coming from inside the Shelter Club was loud, very loud, but Xander was into that. Really.
( Oh, who am I kidding? These guys are about to shatter my eardrums! ) Xander thought painfully to himself, as the Dingoes rocked da house. And then of course, that was when the Slayerette saw the vampire; even though this was the night where all the bloodsuckers were traditionally supposed to take the night off and stay indoors.
By this point in his life, Harris had learned to recognize the undead from a number of tells. The pale skin, the outdated clothes, and the slightly feral look of a predator on their faces. ( Oh man, what am I gonna do? I can't take on a vampire all by myself! And even if I could, I can't make a scene in here! )
But just then, divine intervention occurred as Cordelia literally bumped into him.
"Oh, sorr – Xander? Well, that's just great," Miss Chase snarled as she went to leave. Then after Harris grabbed her arm she hissed, "Let me go right now, Harris, or you'll regret it!"
"Vampire, I think," Xander pointed to not far away. "I need your help to take care of this, Cor. Please?"
Glaring at him, the cheerleader nonetheless played bait before splashing holy water into the soulless demon's face. Once he saw the creature stumble back and the smoke rising from the battery acid-like effect, Xander quickly staked the bloodsucker in the back. The music was so loud and everyone so involved in their own affairs, no one noticed the brief explosion of dust apart from the two teenagers.
"Okay, so are we done here?" Cordelia asked her companion in irritation.
Xander was about to say yes. But at that moment, Ethan Rayne performed his chaos spell halfway across town; and everyone who had bought a costume from his store instantly became whoever or whatever they had dressed up as.
That was why Alexander Hefner, so-called grandson of the one and only Hugh Marston Hefner on his mother's side, blinked in astonishment. ( Where am I? What's going on here? ) he thought to himself in confusion.
"Xander? Are you listening to me?" Alexander heard an irritated female voice almost right in front of him, and quickly focused on the beautiful brunette's face. "I said, are we done here?"
"Done with what?" Alexander asked, still confused and looking around. Unlike all the rest of the town, it was still business as usual within this establishment; Ethan hadn't had any customers who patronised the Shelter Club – apart from Xander, of course.
"What are you, playing games now? Oh, forget it," Cordelia said with extreme displeasure before leaving Alexander behind.
The male teenager didn't understand, but with the libido he had inherited from his so-called grandfather, young Mr. Hefner decided to start trawling the club to find some feminine companionship for the evening.
And who should he hook up with besides two girls Xander had never met before, named Aphrodesia and Blu?
***
Downtowner Apartments, Sunnydale, California
November 1st, 1997
The chaos spell was over, having finished at dawn. As Xander Harris woke up, naked as the day he was born and finding himself tangled with the equally naked bodies of the blonde and the redhead he'd met last night, the memories came rushing back; and three things happened.
One, Xander realized that he was no longer a virgin, even if he hadn't been in the driver's seat when his body had done the deed.
Two, it was a damn good thing his Halloween costume persona had believed in safe sex, as last night's threesome could have resulted in some unpleasant consequences if Alexander hadn't had some condoms in his wallet last night.
Three, he was now either in a whole world of trouble with these two girls once they woke up, or else one of the luckiest men alive.
Given the way his luck with women ran, though, Xander very wisely got out of bed, got dressed and ran straight out the door.
***
The Sunset Club, Sunnydale, California
November 4th, 1997
Willow could not help glaring at Xander, as she and Buffy's boyfriend, Angel, helped him check out this place. The trio was actually investigating both the new arrival in town named Billy 'Ford' Fordham, Buffy's unrequited fifth grade crush, and Ford's connections to the club. The new boy in town had given Buffy's friends a weird vibe, and so they were on the case, so to speak.
Regardless of that, though, Willow was still very upset with Xander for ending up a Playboy Playmate four nights ago, just like Buffy. Granted, both girls knew that that wasn't really his fault, but still; it was hard to suppress their feelings on the matter. Luckily, nothing too bad had happened to the Slayer and the hacker; they had ridden out the evening safely at 1630 Revello Drive until the spell had worn off.
What Willow was really upset about was that Xander had confessed about Aphrodesia and Blu the next day, destroying all her childhood dreams in one fell swoop.
"Are you guys noticing a theme here?" Xander asked Willow and Angel, as he looked around at the establishment.
"As in 'Vampires! Yay!'?" Willow mentioned slowly, seeing all the wannabes dressed up in silly makeup and costumes.
"That's the one," Xander nodded.
Just then, the blonde girl calling herself Chantarelle came up. "You guys are newbies. I can tell," she said warmly.
"What gave it away?" Xander said at once, slipping into bad habits even as he went over to the Goth girl.
Willow just grimaced as Harris led Chantarelle back to the bar for a private conversation, before looking at Angel. The vampire had a strange expression on his face, before he likewise turned to face the redhead.
"What do you think?" Miss Rosenberg asked her friend.
The ensouled vampire shrugged, since he had already guessed where this would lead. "He'll get all the information possible out of her within two or three minutes, tops."
"Just as long as Xander keeps his hands off of her..." Willow's eyes went wide as Xander leaned in closer into Chantarelle's face, his hands starting to wander and the blonde Goth girl starting to lick her lips in pure lust and desire. "Oh, that's it-"
Angel immediately had to hold Willow back before she charged forward and did something stupid. And had he possessed any breath, the ensouled vampire would have sighed at all the problems human teenagers created for themselves like this.
***
Sunnydale High School, Sunnydale, California
November 14th, 1997
In the empty classroom, Xander was having a conversation he'd thought he'd never have to have. "Okay, uh...here's the deal. We don't have to run every time we see each other in the hall," he said nervously.
The cheerleader named Aura looked at him with a combination of disbelief and contempt. "What? As if I would ever away run from you!"
"But you saw me coming down the hall just now-"
"For your information, I'd just remembered that I'd forgotten something in the girls' locker room," Aura lied badly.
"Look, I get that you're upset..." Harris stumbled a bit.
"Why would I be upset? I gave you a lift to Buffy Summers' house yesterday. We got trapped in the basement by some creep posing as a travelling salesman. For some reason I still don't understand, we had sex down there after our little name-calling contest. Afterwards, we ran away from the weirdo in my car – and that's ALL that happened," Aura said firmly, indulging in every scrap of Sunnydale denial syndrome she could muster.
"But as far as I'm concerned, from this point onwards it's officially erased. All of that never happened, do you understand me? And if you breathe one word about what we did to anybody, I will scream 'rape' so loud your ass will instantly be in jail!" the black girl said in the most threatening tone she was capable of.
"Fine by me," Xander said, barely hiding his exhalation of relief. As he left the room he tossed over his shoulder to Aura, "None of it ever happened."
***
1420 Truman Drive, Sunnydale, California
February 16th, 1998
"So what's the deal?" the blonde witch known as Amy Madison asked Xander within the privacy of her own home. As Harris looked around, she added, "You can relax, my dad's not here. We can speak freely."
"Okay, then here it is. I know you're a witch like your mom, and I need your help. I saw you working that mind-control mojo on Ms. Beakman in class three days ago," Xander said with a small shrug. In response to her look Harris added, "I haven't told anybody, if that's what you're worried about. Besides, Buffy and Willow don't exactly speak much to me these days."
"Why? Start from the beginning," Amy said, now somewhat intrigued.
Xander did so, starting off with what had happened during Halloween last year. He tried to stick to the germane bits, but Amy could read between the lines and knew that Buffy and Willow wouldn't be happy with the whole 'Playboy' deal.
Harris then segued on to various other occurrences over the last few months, including the death of the vampire named Spike in an abandoned church last year, even though his sire named Drusilla had survived. Harris also briefly mentioned how the demon known as the Judge had almost been put back together again, before one of his arms had been sent safely out of town via a special courier that the Playboy mansion often used.
And then finally, the young man got to the relevant part concerning Angel and Buffy.
"The problem is nobody knew what might happen," Xander sighed in exhaustion. "I mean Buffy and Angel have always had that whole star-crossed romance thing going, I knew that. But what I didn't know about was the happiness clause in his curse, that even one moment of perfect bliss means the soul goes bye-bye and we have psychotic killer Angel to deal with.
"And it seems like they got a little too carried away during the most romantic day of the year, if you know what I mean..." Harris said as delicately as he could.
"Are you saying – that girl had sex with a vampire? Buffy actually did it with a walking CORPSE?! But that's necrophilia! Well, sort of!" Miss Madison looked shocked and disgusted at what she was hearing.
"Take my advice, don't even try to understand it," Xander advised her simply. "I've been attempting to wrap my head around the concept of those two being together for over a year – and I still haven't gotten anywhere."
"All right, fine. But what exactly do you want from me?" Amy crossed her arms.
"Isn't it obvious? There's only two choices of action. Either we re-curse Dead Boy without that stupid perfect happiness loophole, or else we dust his soulless ass. For Buffy's sake, I'm looking into the former option as well as the latter one," Xander told her plainly.
"Well, I don't know, Xander," Amy screwed up her face in thought. "What you're talking about sounds awfully complicated, and I'm still pretty much just a novice. My mom was the real witch in the family, y'know."
"Hey, I'm not expecting results right this minute," Xander shrugged. "And if it can't be done, fine. I just wanna know for sure, either way."
"I'll research it for you," Amy promised. And she did.
That was why in due course, against all the odds, Miss Madison actually found something that might work: a combination of blood magic and a tantric spell, in addition to an Orb of Thesulah, which would permanently attach Angel's soul once it was entrapped within the undead body.
Thus, Xander found himself bleeding heavily from an artery and having sex with Amy before the end of the month...
***
Abandoned mansion on Crawford Street, Sunnydale, California
May 12th, 1998
"Look at you," the insane vampiress named Drusilla cooed gently. "Shaking. Hurt. Poor thing..." She strolled over to Rupert Giles, who had been abducted and tortured unmercifully in order to tell Dru how to activate the stone demon known as Acathla. Something which in turn would result in sucking the whole world into Hell itself. "Just tell me what I wanna know, and I can make all the pain stop, alright?"
"In order...to be worthy..." Giles croaked out, looking to be on the verge of passing out again.
"Yeah?" Drusilla whispered as she leaned forward, eager to hear the information that would permit her to finally destroy the planet.
"You must perform the ritual...in a pink suit of armour." Giles didn't back down, even when Drusilla glared at him with pure death in her eyes. "Crazy bint!"
"All right. It's time for us to start discussin' the amputation of your head," the lunatic female vampire promised the Watcher.
But at that moment, the mansion came under attack on two fronts.
Buffy, Angel and the Slayer named Kendra came tearing in via the front door, whilst Willow, Oz, and the guy to whom Kendra had recently lost her virginity – the one and only Xander Harris – came in unnoticed via the back. They all quickly found their targets, and as the three teens yanked Giles out of there Angel, Buffy and Kendra began to take out all of the enemy undead.
In a rather ironic twist of fate, the junior Slayer was the one to finally dispatch Drusilla instead of the other way around.
And thus the potential Slayer known as Faith Lehane never had her entire world turned upside down, far away in Boston...
***
The Bronze, Sunnydale, California
October 14th, 1998
Willow looked around uncertainly, as the time to announce this year's Homecoming Queen arrived. Buffy and Angel were nowhere to be seen, and the apprentice witch was starting to get worried. She thought to herself, ( Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to stuff the two of them into that limo and force 'em to work out their differences, after they started arguing during the campaign like that... )
The drummer did a brief drum-roll to get everyone's attention, as Devon stepped up to the microphone. "Hey, everyone, the moment we've all been waiting for is finally here. But first..."
Devon started making several minor announcements as Willow looked towards Oz, the werewolf who had become her boyfriend months ago. "They're gonna announce the Queen – where's Buffy and Angel? What do you think is keeping them?"
"Don't know," Oz said with one of his typically short, noncommittal replies.
"Maybe Xander was right and I was wrong, maybe it really was a stupid idea to meddle in Buffy's love life. Where is he, anyway?" Willow wondered, looking around.
"Over there with Michelle Blake. They look pretty tight," Oz nodded his head slightly.
"Oh, but Xander's developed a real reputation as a ladies man ever since last year, haven't you heard? Cordelia's crowd have started spreading the gossip all over school, just to get a rise out of me and Buffy," Willow said crossly.
"Kinda surprised she didn't ask him to escort her to Homecoming, then," Oz furrowed his eyebrows, wondering if that was jealousy he was seeing in Willow's eyes right now.
"Cordelia and Xander? Oz, come on – that would be like a sure sign of the apocalypse!!" Willow scoffed, as Buffy and Angel finally came into view. "Oh my God, what happened to you two?!" the redhead demanded.
The question was not undeserved; Angel's tux was ripped in several places, and Buffy's dress was similarly in ruins. Both of them were looking dirty and dishevelled, as if they'd been in a war. Well, either that or they'd just had some rough sex rolling around on the lawn outside, as several of the more catty girls present thought to themselves.
In any case, the battle Buffy and Angel had just been through was not a result of Slayerfest '98, since the vampire named Mr. Trick and his sire Kakistos were currently on the other side of the country. Still, that was the Hellmouth for you; there was always mayhem and violence a-plenty around here.
Angel said, "Vampire attack."
Another drum-roll got everyone's attention. Devon said into the microphone, "Alright, people, here we go. In this envelope, we have the name of this year's Homecoming Queen! And the winner is..." Devon tore open the envelope, read the name and said, "Michelle Blake!"
Both Buffy's and Cordelia's hopeful looks faded, as the entire nightclub broke out into thunderous applause. Xander escorted his date onto the stage, as Devon crowned the Homecoming Queen in all her glory. Pushing the tiara more tightly onto her head, Michelle stepped up to the microphone whilst dragging Xander along with her.
"I'm just so honoured! I can't believe it! I mean, that you would pick me...out of every girl in the whole school! It's just...it's so wonderful! Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry..." She started weeping anyway, and Harris surreptitiously handed her a tissue. "Thanks! Oh, I should mention that my victory tonight wouldn't have been possible without Xander's help! I owe him so much!! Thank you, Xander!"
Without warning, Michelle planted a big wet one straight onto her recent (albeit temporary) boyfriend's lips, advancing the boy's rise in the school's social hierarchy; despite the scowls of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia.
***
Donut Shop, Sunnydale, California
February 1st, 1999
Feeling peckish, Cordelia walked into the corner store, and straightaway she stopped at the sight of Xander. She really hated to admit it, but he looked rather good to her at that moment; the Harris wardrobe had much improved ever since junior year, and the rumours concerning his sexual prowess had reached legendary proportions by this point in time.
"Oooh, is there some big evil happening right now? Must be a life-or-death situation if you're getting all that glazed chocolate-y goodness," the cheerleader said rather scathingly.
Not surprisingly, Xander simply ignored her as he paid the shop clerk and began to leave the store. But Cordy wasn't willing to leave things there, and followed him outside.
"So what's new, Xander? What are you doing these days? Or maybe I should say, WHO are you doing these days?" she demanded angrily.
Xander finally came to a halt and turned around. "None of your business, on all counts. Hey, I got a question for ya: why are you acting like such a complete bitch to me? What the hell have I done to you lately to deserve it?"
The question completely broadsided Cordelia for a moment, but she quickly recovered. "How about sleeping with a lot of my friends? How many girls has it been, I wonder...I bet you've gotten laid by, what, half of the female senior class?"
"A fifth at most," Xander answered her coldly, which almost made Cordy's heart skip a beat. "But so what? All of the girls I've been with knew the score right from the start, that I'm good in the sack but I suck at relationships. I've treated every girl to get involved with me with respect, though, and never forced myself on anyone – hell, I've never cheated on any of them either, despite how desperate I get for sex every night. Huh, I bet you think you know everything..." Harris started to walk off again.
Cordelia was determined not to let this guy have the last word on the matter. "I think I know you."
Xander stopped, turned around and laughed, a short and sharp bark that didn't indicate much amusement. "Since when?"
"Ever since kindergarten, doofus. Remember? You, me, Willow and that loser Jesse used to play together all the time-?" Then Cordy backed off as Xander stormed back over to her again.
"Don't you even mention his name," Xander told her angrily. "I ended up staking Jesse nearly three years ago, just because I decided to save your life in the Bronze that night. Remember? When he was gonna kill you?"
"What? When was this-?" Cordelia was confused, then her eyes went wide as she recalled the night of the Harvest without the denial factor, and the vampire that had almost bitten her. "Oh my God, that was HIM?!"
"Yeah," Xander looked and felt guilty now as he calmed down a bit. "Ever since then, y'know, I've always wondered if there was anything I could have done different. If I'd known about Angel's curse, for example, maybe Amy could have..."
"Don't be stupid, Xander," Cordelia cut him off impatiently. "You think something like that would have been HELPING him? You would have dragged Jesse's soul out of Heaven and made it suffer that kind of torment – for what? Just to make yourself feel a bit better? I've talked to Angel, dumbass. As a woman, I can tell what kind of pain he feels every single day, even if you can't. That's why I personally think you didn't do Buffy any favours, after that witch did her mojo last year."
There was nothing Xander could say to that, as unfortunately Cordelia's thoughts on the matter pretty much mirrored his own. Even though he didn't hang out with the old Scooby Gang much anymore, he still thought the whole tortured romance deal Buffy had going with Angel wasn't healthy for her.
( Still, it's her choice. And thank God that Buffy didn't keep any Playmate habits from back in junior year... ) Harris shrugged to himself.
At that moment, the blonde girl named Lysette drove up in Xander's temporary car, a light blue '57 Chevrolet Bel Air. The female teen leaned over and called out, "Xander! Where you have been, baby? Come on, let's take a drive back to the school! Oh, sweetie, this honey of a V8 handles like a dream!"
Cordelia gave him an annoyed look, as Xander shrugged before getting into the car with his donuts for the Scooby Gang. As Lysette roared off, foot slamming down on the accelerator, Cordelia just glared in her general direction.
It was too bad how Miss Chase had no idea what sort of adventures Xander and his latest girlfriend would have with the zombie named Jack O'Toole tonight. Because the annoyance at Harris for adding yet another notch to his bedpost, and the strongly repressed feelings of inadequacy because he had never even considered making a play for her, otherwise wouldn't have stung Cordelia quite so much.
***
Law offices of Klein & Gabler, Los Angeles, California
May 24th, 1999
They say that all good things must come to an end, and as Xander escorted Cordelia to her meeting with the law firm, he fleetingly thought that that particular saying was oh-so-true.
Because high school was over now and, most likely, his time in Sunnydale was over as well.
It all had to do with this year's Big Bad, the Mayor of Sunnydale, Richard Wilkins the Third (and the Second, and the First). Someone who'd apparently been hanging around for over a hundred years, preparing for something called his ascension. In other words, he'd planned on turning into a pure demon and munching on a whole lot of people, on Graduation day. Wilkins had known that it would eventually come down to a fight with Buffy and her friends, though, and so he had stacked the deck firmly in his favour right from the start, engineering various roadblocks and distractions for the white hats to prevent any interference with his plans.
The worst distraction of all had been shooting Angel with a lethal mystical poison called 'Killer Of The Dead', which had only one cure: to completely drain the blood of a Slayer. Angel was about to go dusty, Kendra was too far away to get to the Hellmouth in time, and so Buffy had...well, was there really any other way to put it? She had FED herself to her boyfriend, slapping him around and then slamming the delirious vampire's mouth onto her neck, the inner blood demon emerging and brutally drinking from her almost to the point of death.
Fortunately, Buffy hadn't died as Angel had rushed her to the hospital and the massive blood transfusions which followed had saved her life. There hadn't been time for censure and recriminations at that point; but after the Mayor's ass was toast, the argument between Xander and Buffy about her choice of actions certainly hadn't been pretty to witness.
Terms like 'insane fool', 'oversexed asshole', 'suicidal idiot', and 'male slut' were actually some of the more polite phrases that had been tossed around during that conversation. It hadn't helped that Willow had come down firmly on Buffy's side and Oz had faithfully followed where she'd led, either. Willow's claims that Xander simply didn't understand what it was like to actually love someone that way had really only made things a lot worse.
Mostly because later, after Angel had departed Sunnydale upon being ordered to leave or end up dust by Buffy's mother Joyce, Xander simply couldn't muster any sympathy for the broken-hearted Chosen One at all.
It was at that point that he'd realized that their friendship, which had been slowly dying ever since eighteen months ago, was now truly dead in the water. And even though Xander still loved Willow like a sister, it was painfully obvious that she would never take his side on just about anything again, something which Harris knew she hadn't done even once ever since moving on to Oz.
It was as Cordelia had said, after she and Xander had called a truce to all the hostilities between them: he, Buffy and Willow had changed so much ever since Halloween '97, it was almost impossible to recognize them anymore.
Speaking of which, it was almost impossible to recognize Queen C anymore either.
After the Chase family had gone broke back in April when the IRS had seized all their assets, thanks to Cordelia's father not paying taxes ever since 1987, nearly all the arrogance had been bled out of her – the girl's life had plummeted into an abyss of cheap knockoff clothes and a crappy minimum wage job outside of school hours just to survive. If it hadn't been for Xander's impulsive generosity of paying the remaining balance on her Prom dress, most likely the former cheerleader would have ended up completely insane from the sheer injustice of it all.
At any rate, Cordy had been talking to Xander about moving to LA to try to be an actress when a lawyer had arrived and told her that her grandfather on her mother's side had died only a few days before. Miss Chase had never met him, or even knew what he did for a living, since her mom had shunned all contact with the man and the grandfather had hated Cordy's parents just as much they'd hated him. To the brunette girl's surprise, though, it seemed that as a way to stick it to his daughter and son-in-law one last time, the old man had named Cordelia the chief beneficiary in his will.
Thus, Miss Chase was now the CEO and chief shareholder in his corporation...
The porno company called "Sinful Films".
"I still can't believe this," Cordelia muttered to Xander, as they waited for her grandfather's lawyer to meet with them. She had asked Xander to come with her to LA for moral support, since he was now the closest thing she had left to a friend. And even though it was in the opposite direction he'd been intending to go on his road trip Xander had obliged, his curiosity piqued. "I feel, like, totally dirty even contemplating that someone I was related to did that sort of thing for a living!"
"Miss Chase, Mr. Harris? I'm Michael Parkman, the late Mr. Morrison's attorney," the lawyer came up and introduced himself, referring to Cordy's grandfather. He then ushered the two teens into a meeting room, shutting the door before saying, "My sympathies for your loss, Miss Chase. Your grandfather was a long-time respected client of the firm-"
"Respected? He made porno movies for a living!!" Cordelia exploded angrily.
"Here at Klein & Gabler, we prefer not to make moral judgements on our clients' business activities," the lawyer said smoothly. "The fact is that your grandfather ran his company honestly and always paid his taxes on time, right down to the last penny, state and federal." Xander saw Cordelia wince at the subtle rebuke. "In addition, he built up a nickel and dime operation into a company that makes over 300 million dollars a year in sales, before taxes."
"He WHAT?" Cordelia shrieked, her disgust quickly evaporating thanks to the idea of her taking over a company which made so much money; even a company that was morally bankrupt, from her point of view.
Xander could see it in her eyes: in her current state of abject poverty, Cordelia didn't care WHERE the wealth would come from, just as long as it wasn't illegal. "Just how big is the porno market these days, anyway?" he asked curiously.
"In America, it's a billion-dollar industry," Parkman replied. "Miss Chase, your grandfather chose you to be his successor. If you don't want anything to do with Sinful Films, that's your choice; I'm sure a new CEO will be found soon by the company's board of directors. But if you do accept the job, I'm equally sure you'll have lots of people to help you run the business until you find your feet. In order to make a quality product to fill your market niche, that takes lots of lawyers, accountants, marketing and salespeople, after all."
Cordelia's head was spinning. In a moment of impulsive generosity similar to what he'd shown her, she turned to Xander and said, "I don't know anyone who knows more about sex than you. So, you want a job as vice-president of...whatever the hell that department's called?"
( Why not? ) Xander thought to himself, after he nodded and Cordelia turned back to Parkman in order to discuss details with him. ( I could do with some money from a temp job, given how I blew such a big wad of cash on her Prom dress and all. )
But the next day, once he'd met all those hot-looking porn actresses, all thoughts of ever leaving his new job quickly went flying out the window as far as Xander Harris was concerned.
***
Sinful Films Headquarters, Los Angeles, California
May 29th, 2004
The years had passed, and what had once been a modest-sized company had, under Cordelia Chase's leadership, become one of the two adult film studios to completely dominate the U.S. porn industry.
It hadn't been all smooth sailing, of course. During the first year of operations the young CEO had come up with lots of ideas, not all of which were good ones. And, too, she'd had to give up the whole Hollywood actress thing once word got around who she was and what she did for a living.
But Cordelia had a real brain behind that beautiful face, and once she'd learned how to handle the job properly, many of the concepts she had come up with were put into effect. Not long after she'd started directing operations, Sinful Films won the AVN awards for Best New Starlet, Best Actress, and Best Sex Scene, all in the same year. The Chase name once again became famous, as mountains of cash started to pour into the company.
The only problem Cordelia had had was how to reward Xander properly for his department's efforts in reducing staff turnover and keeping all their movie stars happy. So in the end, the inebriated young woman decided to give him the best present she could think of: namely herself, just for one night at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel during the company's New Year's Eve party.
It had certainly been the most pleasurable evening Ms. Chase had ever experienced, after the alcohol had loosened both their inhibitions. Not expecting Xander to actually feel anything towards her after the one night they'd spent together, Cordy had subsequently been stunned to hear her employee say that she was the best sex he'd ever had. Perhaps not surprisingly, it had earned Xander a promotion to Cordelia's number one assistant, in the full-service sense of the word.
Right now, though, the young man was conducting a job interview with Cordelia's one-time best friend, the blonde 23-year-old woman named Harmony Kendall.
Down on her luck after a divorce for cheating on her husband, and cut off by her family for bring their 'good name' into disrepute, Harmony was miserably cursing the fact that she had been lowered to this: begging for a job from Xander Harris of all people.
The beautiful blonde was looking at some pictures of men she would be 'performing' with in her upcoming porno debut. She quickly said in disgust, "Ewww! I'm not touching that guy! I still have some standards, you know."
"Have fun starving in the projects, then," Xander told her indifferently, since he wasn't in any mood to deal with his former classmate's attitude; he had a business to make sure ran smoothly for his female boss, after all.
Harmony gulped, as she'd suspected that insulting Xander for taking Cordelia to the Prom would come back to bite her on the ass one day. She whined pathetically, "Could I at least have a blindfold or a mask, so I don't have to look at him while we do it?"
"Sorry, Harmony. That sort of crap went out with Fellini films, and besides, sales figures would plummet. Now, are you in or out?" Xander got up out of his chair since, as far as he was concerned, the job interview was over one way or another.
"Fine, I'm in!" Harmony complained, slamming her forehead down on the table in despair.
"Then welcome to the Sinful Films family," Xander told her simply, as Harmony looked up at her new superior. "Now, I have an appointment with Cordelia, so what the hell – we should go meet her together, don't you think? I'm sure Cordy can't wait to meet our newest member of staff, anyway."
( I HATE my life, ) Harmony thought miserably to herself, figuring she was right back where she'd been in high school. But then she caught sight of Xander's ass as he walked and quickly mused, ( But then again, maybe it's not all bad... )
***
Next: Story 15 - Walk Like An Egyptian