Prologue – A City of Two Tales
(After the break)
JB: Welcome back to the second part of our introduction episode of Lucky AzuStar Daioh! (Audience applauds) So, we've gone through almost the entire cast here from Azumanga Daioh, so I think we should finish this off now. Therefore, we'll start with Koyomi Mizuhara, better known as Yomi! (Audience applauds) So, Yomi, how has life been treating you ever since you enjoyed yourself at Magical Land?
Yomi: Magical Land? That was ages ago… Anyways, when I got to college, I got degrees in primary and secondary education, and afterwards, got a job at, surprisingly, Ryōō High School.
Tsukasa: Eh, you got a job at our school?
Yomi: That was your school, Konata?
Konata: Of course! What other high school in Saitama would Miyuki go to considering her standards?
Yomi: That's true… In fact, Miyuki is the rare gem that would be Chiyo-chan's equal.
Konata: Yes, I'd agree, in both smarts and móe!
Kagura: Eh, what the heck is móe?
JB: It's an otaku trend on looks involving cuteness and turn-ons, or at least, that's the basic definition. In fact, it is very difficult to find a fit definition for the word. For example, Miyuki and Chiyo, when they were in high school, were both móe, but for different reasons; Chiyo for her infamous cuteness that could reportedly cause a, "cutegasm,"-
Tomo: And does that even exist?
JB: All the proof you need is Sakaki. In fact, she's so prone to it that she literally shivers while blushing if there's something really cute.
Sakaki: (Blushes) It's true…
Osaka: Really? Because I had no clue what that was when she was doing that.
JB: Well, now you know-
Konata: And knowledge is half the battle!
JB: (Hi-fives Konata) And that was just epic win there, Konata. Anyways, with Miyuki, not only was she cute, but damn, she was clumsy.
Konata: I know! I absolutely despaired at how she didn't use it to her own use. She could have had all the boys eating out of her hands!
Kagami: It was really that under-used in your opinion?
Konata: Yep. You can even ask Tsukasa how clumsy she was. Tsukasa, tell them about that time when we saw Miyuki at the eye doctor!
Tsukasa: Oh yeah! Back before you were sick with the flu, Kagami, we saw Miyuki at the optometrist to get contacts, I guess. Yet, she was so focused on pacing that she walked right into the sign and then left in embarrassment!
Tomo: (Laughing) Man! That sounds like something Osaka would do!
Konata: Hmm… I wonder…
JB: Wonder what?
Konata: Could you consider Osaka to be móe?
JB: …My God, I never even thought of it. I mean, Chiyo, Sakaki, and Miyuki are móe for obvious reasons, but Osaka… Konata-sempai, you may have hit upon something.
Konata: Interesting there… Anyways, I think we should get back to Yomi.
JB: Agreed. So, Yomi, what subject do you teach at Ryōō?
Yomi: Well, I'd have to say my specialty lies in mathematics, so I do algebra, geometry, trigonometry, et cetera.
JB: Mathematics? Nice choice. So, I want to ask, how well do you know Nanako Kuroi?
Yomi: Kuroi-san? She's… interesting. Seems to be very similar to Yukari-sensei, but also has some shared traits with Nyamo, and if what I remember correctly, Konata.
Konata: Ah, yes, she's still an otaku at heart, isn't she?
Yomi: Of course.
Konata: Great! I really need to meet with her online soon.
Yomi: Let me guess; the guild?
Konata: Yep! …Wait a sec. (Thinks intensely for a few seconds) …Hey, are you a closet otaku?
Yomi: (Laughing as if in denial) An otaku? Yeah right?
Konata: …Kagami, I haven't seen a laugh as fake as Kaname Chidori's yet, but I think that just changed. Tomo, answer?
Tomo: Oh yes, she is DEFINITELY an otaku. Got me to become one, too, and I do have to agree, that laugh is obviously screaming, "LIAR."
JB: Dear Lord… This is going to create chaos on the sempai hierarchy…
Yomi: I told you, I am NOT an otaku, guys!
Tomo: So says you, señor. But I have the proof! (Brings out a copy of Strawberry Panic Volume 1)
Konata: She's got you there, Yomi, considering this can't be Tomo's at all.
Yomi: And why not?!
Konata: Because Tomo, due to previous likes, is definitely into shōnen, and THAT is definitely not shōnen.
Yomi: But… But… Oh, I give in. I am an otaku, thanks to Kuroi-san.
Konata: Kuroi-sensei? I need to talk with her soon…
JB: OK, that actually got interesting. So, Yomi, anything else you want to add?
Yomi: Nope! I've gone through everything interesting in my life. (Aside) Save a little tale that involves Tomo that she's sure to tell you…
JB: OK! And now, the one we've all been waiting for, the supposedly mysterious bearer of a tale of unknown acquaintance, and the so-called, "Wildcat of Tokyo," Tomo Takino!! (Audience applauds enthusiastically)
Tomo: Thank you, thank you!! You know, I'm really enjoying all the fans here, John. Who knows, maybe I'll become as popular as Pedo-bear!
JB/Konata: OH GOD!!
Konata: You got to be freaking kidding me, Tomo. Right?
JB: Please… I already have seen too many Pedo-bears for one lifetime…
Konata: Nothing on me though…
JB: Right there…
Tomo: (Sweatdrops) You really didn't appreciate the reference there?
JB: Trust me, Tomo, I've seen enough Pedo-bear fans at Anime Boston to not like them, not to mention they'll likely be at Otacon when I go…
Konata: Ah yes… Two of the big three northeastern U.S .anime conventions.
JB: Impressive knowledge there, Konata. So, Tomo, how did you get through the training academy?
Tomo: Well, I applied the same strategy I used when I decided to stay with Yomi in high school, and became extremely focused on passing the exam, and not only did I make it into the NPA, I also became an officer because of how high of a score I got.
Others: An officer?!
Yomi: You only told me you became an officer as of a few months before- Wait, that was a half-truth, wasn't it?
Tomo: Yep, and boy, you are getting perceptive, Yomi.
Yomi: Haven't I always been?
Tomo: True… Anyways, yeah, that's how I got in the NPA.
Chiyo: An officer? I NEED to check your file…
Kagura: And I'd help you get it, too, because this puzzles me.
Osaka: Got that right…
JB: I know… Anyways, Tomo, to appeal to the weapons freak in me, what do you usually carry?
Konata: You too, John? It seems the bug is spreading, even with the presence of bipolar characters in the room.
Tomo: I feel your longing, John. I drooled over my gear when I first got it, too… Anyways, I usually carry on me a Glock 18, but when I need a rifle, I often use the 500 Persuader. Heck, I even use an Uzi when I need it. But that's not the best part.
JB: Seriously? What is it, then?
Tomo: (Comes up to JB and whispers) Well, I really have to say, testing out the CornerShot system is an unexpected but fruitful blessing.
JB: (Shocked) No way! You're testing out THAT system for the NPA? How did you get so lucky to actually use the CornerShot?
Tomo: That, my friend, is a professional secret, how I got chosen…
JB: OK, but damn… You are one lucky cop to get to use it… Anyways, what's your specialty?
Tomo: I actually specialize in case work, even though I get a LOT of the good guns.
JB: And I know what you mean when you say a good gun. So, anything else you want to add before one last question?
Tomo: Nope, because if it is what I think it is, all will be answered.
JB: Good. So, Tomo, how did you actually meet Konata, of all people, online?
Tomo: Well, I can tell you, but I'd think Konata would be able to explain this much better up to a point.
JB: Really? So, Konata, go ahead.
Konata: OK, John. The first thing you need to know, though, concerns me personally, so, I want to make sure nothing leaves this room. And that includes you, viewers!
Others: Got it!
Tomo/Yomi/Kaorin: (Aside) Even though we know already…
Others (LS): (Thinking) And this is old news…
Konata: Good! Well, you need to know that Kagami and I have actually been life partners for a long time now.
Others (AD): GAH!!
Kagura: (Hesitant in curiosity) You mean… you two… Have been lovers?
Kagami: Yep! For at least 7 years now. And what a fantastic seven years it's been… (Pecks Konata on the lips)
Others: SEVEN YEARS?!!
Tomo: You didn't mention that! You should be married by now!
Tsukasa: It's been that long already, onee-chan?
Kagami: Yep!
Miyuki: I can't even remember it's been that long, and I supported you from the start.
Konata: Who knew Miyuki-san would've actually forgotten something like that?
Chiyo: You've actually kept it a secret for that long?
Konata: Well, it wasn't exactly a secret for long… You see, it started when I actually confessed to Kagami during the winter break leading to my second year. I invited her over one day for a study session, and while I was out of the room for a time, she stumbled onto one of my dating sims.
Chiyo: A dating sim? How does that lead up from A to B?
Konata: The thing was I used that sim as one of my personal hacking "experiments."
Chiyo: Ah, I get it. I'm guessing you manipulated the names of the characters in-game to fit your situation, right?
Konata: Bright as a button like always, Chiyo-chan. Say, are you another closet otaku, considering your actual knowledge of dating sims?
Chiyo: No, not even close. I've just heard of them because I've had patients at my clinic who are addicted to them.
Kagami: A psychologists' clinic?
Chiyo: Exactly, Kagami. I also have a degree in psychology, and I use it to evaluate not only the normal cases, but also work on the approval process for a true sex change.
JB: Well, that would explain another reason you'd be interested in the same-sex reproduction research.
Chiyo: Yes, a very small, but nonetheless influential reason for me to want to go through with this research. Anyways, you may continue, Konata.
Konata: Thank you. (Aside) Plus, I need to ask her about the research later. So, I walk into the room, and then, I see the one thing I didn't want to happen; Kagami was staring at the screen, with the characters names added in as ourselves, and she got at the, "pre-makeout confession," you would normally see. I then apologized profusely, even crying at her feet to not leave me, but then, the unexpected happens.
Kagura: (Excited at the prospect of such a tale) Which is what?
Kagami: I told her that she wasn't the only one hiding her feelings, and then I decided to take the initiative.
Kagura: (Amazed) You mean-
Kagami: Yes, I gave her a nice big kiss, and I've never looked back. Like this. (Holds Konata in a kiss for at least 15 seconds, then releases and embraces her)
Konata: And that is why, Kagami, you'll be the only one in my book.
JB: Aww… Kawaii… Anyways, congrats on the relationship, sempai!
Konata: Drop the sempai. I don't like the formality at all. But, thank you.
Kagura: That… was… SUPER AWESOME!!! I wish I had your guts, Konata.
Konata: I'd say actually that Kagami is actually the one with the guts. That was just my foolishness in leaving that as a visible shortcut.
Osaka: Yet, it seems that the wise has learned from the fool.
(All stare at Osaka)
Tomo: Osaka… made more sense?
Kagura: …Damn… What is this world coming to?
JB: I don't prefer we ask. So, Konata, lets continue.
Konata: Sure. Well, all was OK, considering Kagami and I were now a couple, and we decided to keep it a secret. However, we hit a snag in the middle of our second year at Ryōō; we were caught by my Dad one day having a makeout session.
Chiyo: (Panicked) Your dad? Konata, you mean-
Konata: No, nothing like that at all. You see, my Dad, instead of kicking me out, was too overjoyed about it, and Tsukasa and Miyuki were outside, since I invited everyone over.
Kagura: Oh… geez… Talk about a pain there.
Osaka: Pain where?
Konata: (Laughs loudly) Now that was some good manzai. Anyways, that led to us having to explain a lot, and then, what I was surprised at was at the support they had for us.
Kagami: Yeah, I remember that look you had. You looked like a fish out of water, with those large, wide eyes opened in shock.
Konata: Don't rub it in, Kagami…
Kagami: Sorry, but I have to admit, you looked cute back then. (Rubs Konata's back slowly) Just like you do now.
Konata: It's OK, Kagamin. After all, I used to do the same back then.
Kagami: I know. And the fact you've let up really shows you do care, even though I don't care about that at all.
Konata: Of course, Kagami. Anyways, after they gave their support, we decided, with their guidance, to become open.
Chiyo: And did that bring anything bad?
Konata: Surprisingly, not really. Kagami's dad even accepted it, and I was worried he would kick Kagami out.
Sakaki: Why the worry, though?
Tsukasa: Because, our dad is the priest at our family shrine.
Osaka: Ah… That would explain a lot… The thing is, Shinto is very unclear as to the verdict on same sex couples. Not to mention Japan's history itself when it comes to homosexuals…
Tomo: (Jaw drops in amazement) Osaka's actually knowledgeable in a topic other than random trivia?
Osaka: Well, I did have to research Shinto to get concepts for my books.
Chiyo: Amazing…
JB: I know… Anyways, continue, Konata.
Konata: I will. So yeah, we got Hiiragi-san to accept us, and then, it went uphill from there. Everything was going right, our friends were accepting us, and we were popular in the school. Then, when I thought things couldn't get better, at the start of third year, my cousin Yutaka came to live at my house, due to her tending to get sick and the need for a house close to Ryōō, since she got accepted there as well. School went as it normally did, but something didn't seem right with Yutaka. So, I confronted her, and I figured out I wasn't the only one in the family to fall to the same persuasion.
Sakaki: Your cousin? Did you figure out who she liked, too?
Konata: Yes, I did, and what I found out was that it was her best friend, I decided to investigate, and that eventually led to me playing matchmaker for them, and now, Yutaka and Minami are living together happily in a dorm room that's all their own.
Chiyo: Aww… What a happy ending for them!
Konata: I know! I was so proud on the day when Minami told us she was picking up Yutaka for a date.
Kagami: I saw the look on you that day, too. You couldn't have looked happier for Yutaka than that time, with how proud you were. You almost seemed ready to burst out in song.
Konata: I would have, too, if I knew anything proper. So, after that, I got inspired and created my site, Matches From Glasses.
Chiyo: Matches From Glasses… Hey, I know you guys! A lot of my previous clients have used it and are now together with someone because of it. You do a lot of good work, Konata!
Konata: Thanks, and trust me, I was surprised with who I've helped at times. I even helped two of Kagami's other friends, Ayano and Misao, get together. When they told me how they got together later, I almost went into shock, seeing how close to home it was.
Tsukasa: I know! I was there too, and your eyes looked like fishbowls when they told you.
Konata: They did? Fishbowls?
Tsukasa: Yep!
Miyuki: I have to agree, Izumi-san, she knows what she's talking about.
Konata: Really? Well, I got the service fully swinging, but then, hell broke loose when one of my other friends started gunning for me.
Kaorin: You mean the one you told me about?
Kagami: Yep, Hiyori Tamura.
Yomi: Wait! You mean Hiyori Tamura, as in the most infamous mangaka to ever join CLAMP?! You didn't mention that she was your friend, or even this episode!
Konata: I'm sorry, but I only mentioned it to Kaorin for a very specific reason. I didn't even mention her name. And she's in CLAMP now? Well, Hiyori, if you and Patty-chan are listening, congratulations on making your dream job.
Kagami: Wait, she's with Patricia now? When did she tell you?
Konata: Back during our sophomore year in college. Miyuki told me from a communiqué she got from her then.
Kagami: Really now? Well, congrats, you two.
Konata: OK, now back to the story. Yeah, Hiyori was one of my best friends before even high school, as I used to critique her work before she even began going to Comiket. Eventually, during the middle of my third year, Hiyori tried to seduce me, after revealing that she was one of the first clients I advised on the site, but I left before she could do anything too bad.
Kagura: (Eye twitches in annoyance) You mean… your friend, who I'm guessing knew about this relationship, tried to seduce you to fall to her graces?
Konata: Yep, you earned the jackpot there.
Kagura: What a friend! Has she no shame?
Konata: Kagura-
Kagami: Konata, I'll handle this. (Annoyed with a twinge of anger) Kagura, you dare to stab someone in the back you don't know?! I forgave her, Kagura, so answer me, why do you think she was indecent if it was the only option to deal with her feelings?
Tsukasa: Oh dear, onee-chan hasn't been this mad in a while.
Tomo: Well, Kagura, I think you've set Mt. Vesuvius aflame with that comment. Anything more on your part before it self-destructs?
Kagura: What I don't understand is why in the hell did you forgive her?!
Kagami: Because, she was confused, Kagura! She had no fucking idea where the hell to go to, and if she kept it in for much longer, she would have become insane! I almost did, too, considering how long I've had to wait before the incident that winter!
Miyuki: Kagami-san hasn't been this crude in quite a while…
Tomo: And the volcano's erupting, ladies and gents.
Kagura: (Shocked into realization) You mean…she was truly close to insanity?
Konata: More like obsessive behavior, but I'd say it's the same.
Chiyo: (Sweatdrops) Actually, that is the clinical definition of insanity...
Kagami: (Choking up in reflection) Konata, why must we always go through crap like this?
Konata: Because, Kagami, not everyone understands everything. In fact, I had a hard time understanding some people until that episode with Hiyori. Then, I opened my eyes, and quite a bit made sense to me. Because of it, I was finally able to help Kaorin. It's the same with everyone else, too, and as long as man does not become immortal, we shall never understand everything. After all, isn't the point of life to reach enlightenment?
Kagami: (Sniffles, then recovers) You're right as always, my dear princess. C'mere, you. (Holds Konata around her neck) How could I ever last without you?
Konata: Who knows? (Pecks Kagami on the lips) And I wouldn't want to find out.
JB: Aww… Too cute…
Chiyo: (Blushes in adoration) I know…
Sakaki: (Goes through another cutegasm)
Konata: So, now that that's over with, back to the story.
Kagura: Hai! And Kagami, I'm really sorry about what I aid.
Kagami: Don't worry, all is forgiven. After all, it's not like I was at my best, too.
Konata: Good point, Kagami. You're learning well. Anyways, once I did confront Hiyori about this, she reformed and is now with another friend of mine, Patricia Martin.
Sakaki: Eh, an American?
Tsukasa: Yep! She was here for an exchange program, but liked it so much; she eventually decided to reside in the country.
Osaka: Interesting… It's almost like how Chiyo-chan went to America… And Tadakichi-san…
Konata: Tadakichi-san-
Chiyo: Was my Great Pyrenees…
Konata: Oh dear… I'm sorry for bringing it up.
Chiyo: Don't worry, Konata, it's OK.
Kaorin: You sure there, Chiyo-chan? You did like him immensely.
Chiyo: Absolutely so, Kaorin.
Konata: (Aside) There you go, Kaorin!! What an effort to gain boonus flags! Nice work! So, after I finished up with Hiyori, in a few months, right before graduation, I came across a certain client who asked me a very interesting question. She asked whether she should attempt to tell her best friend her feelings or it was wrong to have those feelings.
Kagura: Why would she think it was wrong?
Tomo: Because, I wondered whether I'd only be throwing away our relationship together.
Sakaki: Tomo, you were the client?
Tomo: Yep, and boy, was I glad that I did become a client there. It saved me from a lot of turmoil that would have occurred if I didn't decide to tell my friend.
Kagura: And who was that friend, if I may ask? (Teasingly) Someone you met at the Academy?
Tomo: Nope! You'd never believe me if I told you.
Kagura: Really? Well then, come on and hit me!
Tomo: OK, then what if I told you it was Yomi?
Kagura: (Sputters in surprise) Y-Y-Yomi? You're serious? You're really fucking serious, because I mean-
Tomo: Yep, my señor really takes care of me. Isn't that right, Yomz?
Yomi: Of course, my little Tomoyo. (Embraces Tomo and kisses her for around 20 seconds)
All (AD): (Shocked) I'd never think it would happen…
Kagura: Well shit, there goes the pool… I can't believe I lost so much…
Tomo: (Laughs out loud in mockery) You hear that, Yomz? They actually did have a pool on us! I was right!
Yomi: How charming, Tomo. I have a detective for a future wife, alright. (Aside) And a good one at that…
Tomo: I know! So, Kagura, who was in the pool?
Kagura: Oh crap…I'm dead now. That's because Yukari was in on the bet against, as well as a lot of other random people. Everyone else we knew, which included Kaorin, Nyamo, Chihiro, Osaka for God's sakes, and even Chiyo-chan, when she got into graduate school, went for you guys in the pool.
Tomo: Man, even Chiyo-chan was involved! Damn, that pool must have been huge, considering who we're talking about. So, Kaorin, why didn't you mention anything at all about the pool earlier?
Kaorin: Well, I'd think that one of you would get mad because of how people have been betting on your lives.
Tomo: Nah, that isn't me at all. And Yomi, she would have been OK with it, considering that you supported. She actually, as I figured out, also used Matches From Glasses to see if she should ask me.
Kaorin: Eh, really?
Yomi: Yep, but I'm guessing Tomo got there first.
Konata: She did, Yomi. The IP records proved it.
Tomo: But what's interesting is why Chiyo-chan joined, because Osaka just joined in for the thrill likely. So, Chiyosuke, why did you join?
Chiyo: Well, I did believe you guys would do it eventually, once I understood everything. Anyways, congrats you two.
Others: Yes! Congratulations!
Tomo: Wow, thank you guys. I'd never think that we'd have such a warm reception.
Kagami: Don't be ridiculous, Tomo. After, all, you're dealing with another lesbian couple, one of their sisters, three researchers in same sex reproduction, and a lot of friends who went for you in a pool, or at least recognized there was a possibility, in the case of Kagura.
Kagura: (Blushes) Well, I would have gone for you, but I expected you to do it outside of the given conditions, so I went for the supposedly-winning team.
Tomo: Oh, and what were those conditions?
Chiyo: Well, let's just say that if it went to you two cheating on your husbands or fiancées, Yukari would have a lot of money.
Tomo: Ah… And who stated that?
Osaka: Yukari-sensei said that same thing when we began the pool.
Yomi: Then it seems that Yukari needs to be…visited…
Hehehe... What trouble has Yukari gotten herself into... Find out that and more in the last part of the prologue!