His bed smelled like sex and sweat. He was hung over and stretching let him know there were scabs down his back. The best part about sleeping with Cassie had been that when he inevitably said Cas's name, it had sounded like hers. She'd just purred his name back and he had done everything he could to end it.
For some reason, Dean was convinced that every new person would be different. That he could ignore the burning. He burned with anger and love and resentment and frustration and it was all for Cas.
He pulled up some music and almost cried when he heard the words. "I never meant to get us in this deep. I never meant for this to mean a thing. Oh, I wish you were the one – wish you were the one that got away. I got caught up by the chase, and you got high on every little game. I wish you were the one – wish you were the one that got away. Oh, if I could go back in time when you only held me in my mind, just a longing gone without a trace. Oh, I wish I'd never ever seen your face." Everything had to be about Cas. Every fucking thing he saw or heard just reminded him of the smile he wore and the way his voice sounded in the morning or in orgasm.
The song faded into another that was just as bad. "Waking up without you, it doesn't feel right to sleep with only memories. It's harder every night. Sometimes I think I can feel you breathing on my neck. Tonight, I'm reaching out to the stars, I think that he owes me a favor. It doesn't matter where you are, I'll hold you again. I wish I could hear your voice and don't leave me alone in this bed. I wish I could touch you once more. And don't leave me alone in this bed, not tonight, not tomorrow. I've got a feeling that this will never cease."
The song cut off with a click. Dean wouldn't make that mistake again. He pulled the sheets from the bed and tucked them into the washing machine. They smelled like a stranger's sweat and perfume when he still expected cinnamon. It didn't matter that it had been a month and a half. He was disgusted with himself for still being so caught up in Cas.
He couldn't remember how many strangers he'd buried himself in to get him out of his head. It never worked. When he finally came and orgasm clouded his mind, he always expected to see striking blue eyes and messy black hair. He always expected a deep and rough voice to say his name in a whisper, like a plea or a prayer. He felt emptier every time it didn't happen.
The ringing of his phone brought his attention to the device. He set down his glass of whiskey to answer it. "Hello?"
"Hey, Dean."
"Oh, Sammy! How's it goin'?" He liked hearing from his brother. It reminded him there was more to his life than his screwed up obsession with Cas and his heartache.
"It's good. I was just wondering if you were gonna go to the party tonight? You never really gave me a straight answer." He could hear keys clicking in the background and he was amazed by his brother again. He was carrying on a conversation with him and probably working on a paper at the same time.
Dean grimaced. He didn't really want to go with Sam to a party at Balthazar's house. He probably invited Meg and Cas and he really didn't have the strength to see either of them. "I don't know, Sam…"
"Come on, man! You know Jess can't go, she's working tonight. I hate going to parties by myself and Cas isn't even going to be there so I can't talk to him about books."
If Sam wanted to go and Cas wouldn't be there, Dean supposed he could go. "Alright, fine. I'll meet you there."
He looked through his texts after they hung up. He'd sent one to Cas last night if he remembered correctly. And he did, because it was right there.
Me: If this is love then fuck, I don't want it anymore. If this is love then fuck it, I was better off before. If this is love then fuck it, lose the battle win the war. I don't love you anymore. Ripping your chest apart, won't stop til your beating heart – bit off more than you could chew. I learned everything from you.
Sent: 12:27AM
The One that Got Away – The Civil Wars
[I never meant to get us in this deep. I never meant for this to mean a thing. Oh, I wish you were the one - wish–you were the one that got away. I got caught up in the chase, and you got high on every little game. I wish you were the one – wish you were the one that got away. Oh, if I could go back in time when you only held me in my mind, just a longing gone without a trace. Oh, I wish I'd never ever seen your face.]
Alone in this Bed – Framing Hanley
[Waking up without you, it doesn't feel right to sleep with only memories. It's harder every night. Sometimes I think I can feel you breathing on my neck. Tonight, I'm reaching out to the stars, I think that he owes me a favor. It doesn't matter where you are, I'll hold you again. I wish I could hear your voice and don't leave me alone in this bed. I wish I could touch you once more. And don't leave me alone in this bed, not tonight, not tomorrow. I've got a feeling that this will never cease.]
I Don't Love You Anymore – Anarbor
[If this is love then fuck it, I don't want it anymore. If this is love then fuck it, I was better off before. If this is love then fuck it, lose the battle win the war. I don't love you anymore. Ripping your chest apart, won't stop til your beating heart – bit off more than you could chew. I learned everything from you.]