He had been inside for a half hour and he was already sure that he wanted to leave soon. Sammy was having no problems talking to everyone, and so he assumed that his getting Dean to come had simply been a ploy to get him to be social since he didn't realize how freaking social he was being every weekend. The party was full of people he barely remembered from high school and his ill-fated one semester at the community college, but there were a smattering of people that looked to be contacts of Balthazar's from his advertisement firm. Why would Balthazar invite such a mismatched group of people?
And, to top it off, Sam was watching him and looking wounded every time he looked at the alcohol table, so he was stuck drinking soda.
He was thinking about leaving then, just quietly sneaking out without Sam noticing when a gleeful cry came from the newly opened doorway drew his attention. Balthazar was drunk and given to hugging, but there were only a few people he was ever quite so flamboyant about. When he finally stood back, Dean could see that this night had gotten a whole lot shittier while he wasn't paying attention.
Who else could possibly be standing in the doorway but Cas?
"I thought you weren't coming!" Balthazar voiced what Dean wanted to ask, but wouldn't. He didn't really feel like explaining why he wouldn't want the man that everyone knew was his best friend at a party. He'd have to explain that they weren't really friends anymore because he found out his wife was pregnant after they fucked. And that would go over just fucking perfect, he was sure.
"Meg was worried that it had been too long since I had seen you all. She insisted that I make an appearance tonight." Cas's voice sent pain running down his body and Dean suddenly couldn't be there right then.
He sat his soda down and went to the bathroom, not so incidentally passing by a half empty bottle of vodka on the way. Three swallows down, he stood in front of the sink, his hands braced on it and staring down into the pristine white bowl. Music billowed into the room as the door opened, and he was suddenly looking through the mirror into the face of the man that had him drinking away his pain. "Leave me alone, Cas." His voice came out a little broken, but he thought there might be enough bitter anger to cover it up. He lifted the bottle to his lips only to have it snatched away.
"Stop killing yourself, Dean." His eyes were flashing and there were spots of color on his cheeks that Dean knew only showed when he got angry.
Dean pushed himself away from the sink and made a grab for the bottle. Cas held it away from him, completely unfazed at Dean's anger. "You don't get a say in it anymore! And why should you care?" He shoved Cas and he hit the door behind him.
"I care because I love you." He said it so calmly. There was vodka on his skin from where it had sloshed out of the bottle and he was wearing a tee shirt like a normal fucking person for once and he loved Dean. "I don't want to see you hurt."
"Too fucking late, Cas." He shoved him back and grabbed the bottle, managing another swallow before Cas gave a disgusted sigh and turned around. His hand was on the doorknob and Dean realized that he was going to go away again. He was going to leave and Dean was going to get drunk and his brother was going to look at him like he was disappointed and Dean wouldn't care because he was drunk but it'd bother him for the rest of his life because he was always letting Sammy down.
He didn't want to do that and so before Cas could walk out, he had a hand on his shoulder and was turning him around. Dean pushed him into the door before pressing his lips against Cas's. And he kissed back. He didn't seem to mind the violence either.
He bit into his mouth and took control with his tongue. His hands were ripping at Cas's jeans and he was pretty sure he would have stopped to think about it, but Cas's hands were on his jeans, too. He pulled back from the kiss just long enough to look around the room before Cas directed his attention to a drawer. Trust Balthazar to keep lube in the bathroom.
Once he found it, he put it on himself and on his fingers before forcing Cas to turn around. He only spent a fraction of the time he knew he should have opening Cas, but he was still so angry and hurt and Cas only moaned and pushed himself further onto Dean's fingers.
Then, he was buried in him and he heard a gasp from in front of him but then he started moving so Dean let go. He bit his shoulder when the angry, forceful rhythm got erratic. He could feel himself getting close and so he reached in front of him with the hand that was still slick with lube. They were off beat and Dean was glad there was music blaring into the room because he knew that they weren't keeping nearly quiet enough for no one to notice without it. He was thrusting his hips harder and Cas's hands were on his hips, encouraging every one. He came, letting his jaw relax around the muscle that was tensing beneath his teeth and then laid his head on it. Cas started trembling and then his hand was warm as he came too.
Both of them were breathing raggedly and standing with their jeans around their ankles. He thought it was a little bit fucked up, but he couldn't help how his heart finally felt like it was back in his chest when it was beating against Cas's. He was starting to shake and he knew it was because he was never going to have what he really wanted. He couldn't leave this room with his hand in Cas's and then take him back to his house with catcalls because everyone knew they were going to fuck. No one could know. But he knew that he couldn't take nothing either. He was selfish enough that he'd take whatever Cas would give.
There were tears on his cheeks somehow and he didn't remember them coming. Cas either didn't notice or was choosing not to mention it. "I don't want you to be gone." The words were spoken against his back in a shattered whisper that didn't sound like him but did at the same time.