MyWay: I can't believe you're doing this to me… why do you guys ignore me like that? I updated my story, not for myself, but for you! And as a sign of gratitude I only get one review? ONE??? I thought our relationship was more than just THAT…
Yann-kun curious: Say, what happened to him?
Kenuyasha: Ah… I think he snapped. He was happy to see that many people read this story and the new chapter, but got … a little choked up about just having one review… next thing you know, he's facing the wall, wearing nothing but a loin cloth and talks to the wall as if it were the readers. For a good 16 hours now.
Yann-kun: Should we call for professional help?
Kenuyasha: We better… last time I saw him like this, he started rubbing BBQ sauce all over himself and then he began smack-talking a tree… naked.
MyWay in the background: … For YOU I did this… This is not the way I raised you! I thought I taught you better than that! Just you wait until your father comes home!
Yann-kun: Think he still knows that he is a guy?
Kenuyasha: I truly hope so! I think he is at the boiling point, let's be careful now!
Yann-kun out loud: Now, one review isn't so bad… it means you totally suck and no one appreciates your work, but hey, that ain't no reason to go ballistic, right?
…
MyWay outraged: THAT'S IT YOUNG MEN… WHERE IS MY WILDFIRE SAUCE???
Kenuyasha sighing: … You just couldn't resist, could you?
Yann-kun filled with glee: Nope
Magic Voice: THE DEMENTED AUTHOR OWNS NOTHING, NOT THE STORY OR THE CHARACTERS... not to mention his own mind...
Chapter sixteen: Light vs. Dark (Luck)
At last, humidity, exhaustion and lack of work-out made Shinji loose contact with the air duct. Terminal velocity is 9.81 m/s². And Shinji truly hoped that he was high enough to die on impact. Otherwise, the resulting Shinji-bashing would exceed everything any twisted fanfic author could think up.
And then, a high pitched yelp and a loud splash.
------ Tropical Island ------
"Unbelievable… This is near impossible!" God said as he leaned closer to the divine TV; only to get smacked by Jesus.
"Outta the way, screen hog!"
They both watched the instant replay in awe.
"That Maya chick fell into the water the exact moment Shinji did… this is amazing… I didn't think he had that much luck…"
"I wonder where he could have gotten that much luck from all of a sudden." Jesus asked no one in particular, scratching his chin.
In the background, Buddha lays dead on the shore, his entire body smoking.
----- Nerv Spa ------
Shinji didn't dare to move, not even to breath. He fell into the pleasantly warm water and for a reason unknown to him, the women have not noticed him.
"Are you alright Maya?"
"Yeah, just slipped… those over-hours drain me, I tell you that!"
'Ahh… okay… So far, so good… I need to hide!' Shinji thought and looked around for cover… but the steam was still too dense to make anything out. It started to clear though. Which meant one thing: They would be able to see him in just a few moments.
'Okay, nowhere to hide… but hey, towels… that might work' Shinji thought as he grabbed nearby towels.
Shinji Ikari might be in fact the only man who knows how to successfully wrap a towel around the head. Women, of course, are born with that ability.
So, after discarding his hospital gown and wrapping his head, his torso and his bruised private area into towels, he did a self check.
And was not satisfied… something was missing… something, female. And then it hit him.
He took another towel and stuffed it into the cleavage.
'Great, now I look like a minor with triple D breasts… who cares… just gotta get out of here in one piece…' he thought and started his way towards the exit.
He would not blink or even dare to disrupt his auto-pilot moving. Slow and steady, that would work for him!
"Ah, Asuka is starting to grow some serious hair down there… natural red-head indeed."
"Oh stop that Misato… just because- wait a second, you shaved!"
"Ahhh… most likely for Kaji, isn't that right, Misato?"
"Oh just shut up! Blonde upstairs but brunette downstairs, huh? Can't fool us, girl!"
Was it just Shinji or did the temperature in the spa rise all of a sudden? And why did he start feeling dizzy?
As he got to the exit, he was about to leave when a certain thought crossed his mind.
------ Heaven ------
"Muahahaha… not so fast, little Shinji… let's see… this lever here… and that button… implanting thought… per-fect!"
------ NERV ------
They are all naked. You don't want to miss that, do you?
This was of course true. All the girls in there were wearing nothing; Maybe a towel at the most. And that talk just now about natural hair colors made him slightly curious!
So, even though his polite self, his intelligent self and the self that tries real hard to keep him alive told him not to, he turned around to savor the view.
And savoring he did. He felt tempted to yell JACKPOT out loud, but thought it might attract unwanted attention. The steam had just cleared enough to show details.
After about ten seconds, intelligent self managed to get drooling Shinji back into motion. So, even though he would die justified and happy, he left the spa…
… only to come to the girl's locker room. Which, how else could it be, was filled with pretty much every female NERV member there is; at least, that's what Shinji thought.
'Okay, play it cool, don't forget breathing… and just keep walking!' Shinji thought as his legs started to move again.
All went well for about five seconds, then a young section two officer noticed him. For another two seconds, nothing seemed wrong. But then…
"WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?!?" She yelled, getting everyone's attention.
"Who? Me?" Shinji asked in a girly voice. He didn't try for a high pitched voice, it just came naturally with the fear; like a bonus.
"Of course you, young man! You better have a very good explanation for your presence."
'How did she figure me out?' Shinji thought in panic.
As if the young woman could read his mind, she pointed about three feet below his face.
Realizing that staring at naked women causes in healthy young man a certain body-reaction, Shinji saw himself outnumbered. He was slightly happy to know that his reproductive attachment was still working after what he went through today; he just deeply cursed the timing.
'Crap… Be a man, do the one thing that should be done!' he thought and started to plough through the now shocked mass of women. They were taken back because now only the towel around his head concealed something, the other two were discarded to create a diversion; which worked well until one of the girls shrieked.
"What is going on?" Misato yelled as she ran into the locker room, followed by all others.
"There was a peeping Tom, he came out of the hot spring!"
"There was a pervert that watched us?" Maya asked shocked.
Asuka was smiling. Not the kind smile she rarely showed anyway. It was the I-am-about-to-kill-someone-and-bathe-in-his-blood anticipation smile she used ever so often. Without delay, about 25 women went after Shinji, not caring about their attire; or the lack of.
In the hallway, Shinji went into sprint mode. He had no idea where he was but running was his only option. He wrapped the only remaining towel around his waist and ran like a race horse.
---- elsewhere, but not too far----
"I tell you, we shouldn't be walking around here… we are no NERV personal!" Toji said and stretched his sore bones.
"Give me a break… they left us all by ourselves… us walking around is to be expected. Besides, this might be my only chance to see the inside of NERV HQ!" Kensuke retorted as they went around a corner.
About 30 meters ahead was a T-section. Nothing special. But for a fraction of a second, a half naked boy was to see, running for his dear life.
"Was that Shinji wearing a towel?" Hikari asked curiously.
"Who knows, wouldn't surprise me today… Come on Kensuke, let's get back to that waiting room. Can't you see my point? There is nothing special to see here except Shinji half-naked. It's government after all, boring and-" Toji was cut off as an angry mob of 25 women rushed after Shinji.
Both boys stood there frozen with Hikari frowning deeply.
"Was that…?"
"12 women wearing underwear und 13 women towels…"
They both fell silent again as someone blue haired ran by.
"… And was that…?" Toji asked.
"A very naked Ayanami Rei … yes" Kensuke finished, holding back the drool.
Another five seconds went by, then Toji turned to his friend.
"Think they take applications?"
----- 35 seconds ahead of the shinji-smash-mob -----
Shinji sped up and after only a few turns he came across two mechanics.
"Guys, there is 20 or more women trying to kill me… Please stall them somehow!" He begged, never stopping.
The two mechanics looked at each other and nodded. Shinji had two allies at last. The tall mechanic grabbed something from his pocket and smiled.
30 seconds later.
As Asuka turned around a corner, she stopped rapidly.
"What the hell?" she asked out loud.
"Looks like a wall of smoke!" One of the other women blurted out.
"Let's go around it then, HURRY MEN! TEN-HUT!!" the enraged red-head yelled to motivate her killing squad. They departed the other way.
------ inside the smoke ------
The clasp of a high five could be heard as both men leaned back satisfied.
"Operation Weed-Wall was a full success. Good thing I keep a big Dobie with me at all times, ey pal?"
"Bob, you sure know how to sacrifice for the greater good…"
"Got that right! Now hand that thing so we can move on…"
------ Somewhere else in the infamous NERV building ------
A man stood in an elevator. Which, by the way, happens quite a lot in this facility. This particular man was not a no-body though. Commander of the Tokio-3 Nerv Headquarters, Ikari Gendo rode the elevator to the command level.
And he was pissed. Even more pissed than the time a cigarette butt was tossed out of a car and set his hair on fire. No, someone was about to have a very bad day. He would make sure of that, personally.
At this moment, the elevator doors opened, even though he was not on the command level. At first, this enraged the old Ikari. How would a simple elevator dare to taunt him like that? But if life closes a window, it just might open a door for you.
About 50 meters down the corridor was the young Ikari, only wearing a towel. He seemed out of breath, almost as if he was in trouble.
Then, both Ikaris met their gazes. One was cold and indifferent, the other hurt and looking for help.
"Shinji! Come quick!" Gendo said, gesturing a helping hand. He had a smile on his face, not to be seen ever since Yui died.
Shinji couldn't believe this was happening. His own father, thought to be a heartless bastard, was about to save him.
"Father!" He yelled and ran towards his old man, tears of joy in his eyes. Was he wrong all those years? Did his father look out for him after all?
As Shinji got closer to the elevator, his father's nice smile morphed into an evil smirk.
"Father?" Shinji asked nervously as the doors started to close.
"NO FATHER, DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN! NOT TODAY! PLEEEAAASE!!" But Shinji's pleading was met by deaf ears. Gendo Ikari let out a relieved sigh as he heard his son's body smash against the outside of the elevator.
"Much better…" he muttered with satisfied smile and a nod. You would be surprised how much better you feel once you've ruined someone else's day; The Trademark Motto of Gendo Ikari.
Shinji sobbed loudly as he went down to his knees. How could he have been so foolish? Like believing a drug addict that he doesn't do drugs no more and give him $200 for his daughters education fund. Right… Shinji thought himself to be on a moral low, even considered how crappy his day was.
He barely noticed the door opening down the hallway, revealing more than a handful female NERV employees racing towards him. His eyes saw all that, but his brain just didn't click yet.
It took him a good five seconds until the gears started grinding and he jumped to his feet.
And jumping he did, sprinting away from his going-to-be assassins, thinking must run away, must run away over and over as he came to realize that he was running in a circle. The smell of burnt Happy-Herbs reminded him of the elevator on the Southside. People tend to use it to reach the roof, officially to catch fresh air, though their slowed pupil reaction when they come pack to duty lets assumption lead elsewhere.
But that elevator was still quite far away, compared to the mob behind him, which seemed to gain ground on his very person.
He turned around a corner, just to slide through an opened ground panel. Which was opened by the mechanic, who tried to fix an AC3-Relay problem.
Shinji plummeted through several layers of wires, cables and stuff he did not recognize, just to break through the ceiling and come to a vertical halt on tiled floor.
"Where did he go?" Asuka asked as she grabbed the mechanic.
"He fell through the floor… down to the cafeteria!"
"Cafeteria it is ladies!" Asuka yelled and they set back into motion.
Meanwhile, Shinji recovered from his rather unpleasant encounter with the immobile, yet sturdy floor.
"Where the hell…" he muttered, but trailed off as he got sight of a vending machine.
Vending machine meant food. And food was something Shinji hasn't seen ever since the hotdog massacre this morning. Without thinking, he rushed over to the unsuspecting machine and pushed buttons like crazy.
Naturally, without inserting any money, Shinji wouldn't get his desired nutrition. Resignation kicking in, Shinji dropped to his knees, then fell to the ground altogether As tears again started to form in his eyes, he spotted something shiny under the vending machine.
To Shinji's delight, it appeared to be a coin. One coin with enough monetary worth to get something to eat on top of that. Shinji snatched the coin immediately, inserted it in the vending machine and looked for the calorie bomb in the machine.
Nerv's Angel Killer was well known by all employees to be a sufficient supplier of sugar and calories to keep even the hardest working body moving for at least eight hours. The WHO successfully banned this artery clogger all over the world, except Tokio-3. Sweet-tooth Ikari may have had a hand in keeping it around in this city.
The tides turning, Shinji watched pleased as the vending machine started to serve his salvation.
To his not-so-surprising horror, Angel Killer was stuck in the machine.
He knew that rocking the machine to release the goods was near impossible for the weakened Shinji.
So, as an Emergency Act, Criminal-now-inclined Shinji passed a bill that allowed him to take a nearby metal chair and smash the machine to bits for as long as it took to get something out of it.
As said chair came into contact with the vending machine, Shinji started wondering if he would get into big trouble for losing his sanity… but apparently no one would ever know. Because the chair broke into pieces, unlike the glass of the vending machine.
------ Science Research department Delta, NERV HQ ------
"Final Test, Pissed off Employee: Success. See, told you that new angel proof glass is ready for a real field test. I mean, after this, Commander Ikari has to approve. Make sure to send him a copy of this… I didn't visualize that employee in a towel, but hey: Can't predict everything!"
"I still think it's wrong to rig the vending machine so it wouldn't spit out any food. People get sort of cranky when that happens…"
"That was the point! I wanted the focused anger that would not arise under other circumstances." The Head researcher said with lots of melodramatic acting.
"There once was a guy named "Mengele", I think you and him would have become very good friends, you know?"
"Shut up, it's for the sake of science!"
------- Somewhere near the Command Center -------
"Something good just happened." The older Ikari said with a smile. He continued his walk to the Command Center, not caring anymore about chewing anyone else out today. Earlier he had a hard time not to cuss in front of everyone. By now, he had a hard time not smiling like an idiot.
------ Cafeteria --------
"AAAAAAAARGH!!!" Shinji yelled as he tried to now bite his way into the vending machine. Chipping of a piece of tooth he realized the futility of his project.
After resignation kicked in, again, Shinji started for his elevator of salvation again. 'No time to gripe, again!' he thought to himself.
Shinji Ikari, who spent a boatload of time walking the corridors of NERV in an attempt not to have to be home with his two ladies, might be the only guy employed by NERV who actually knows his way halfway around this place. Everyone else gets lost a lot, especially people who are often drunk and in charge.
Slightly out of breath, Shinji arrived at the Southside elevator, counting his blessings. He was done pretty fast with that; bloodhound Sohryu Langley had found him.
The dimly lit corridor didn't give Shinji much options for hiding or running. It was all on his friend, the elevator, now. It opened in time, but Shinji had a bad feeling as he pushed the same button over and over. He didn't even look at the button. His eyes were trained on Asuka, who, if he wasn't mistaken, had foam around her mouth.
The doors closed, leaving Shinji breathless in the cabin. The many women smashed against the doors of the elevator, which sounded to Shinji like very strong hail. Shinji seized this opportunity to catch his breath and release about 12,5 metric tons tension that had been on his shoulders.
"Alright, now I only have to get out of here somehow..." He trailed off as the elevator opened up again, in the medical bay.
"Listen, he is about 15 years of age, has dark brown hair, blue eyes and looks like shit. If you see him, use all and any means necessary to bring him back. No one makes a fool of-" The nurse from hell stopped short, spotting Shinji in the elevator down the small corridor.
And so did the three steroid pushing orderlies.
"Oh, wrong floor... my bad!" Shinji said and pushed the button for the roof.
It may be due to the intense hunger, the amount of pain he went through today or maybe he just had a vivid imagination, but the ground seemed to be shaking with every running step those three killing machines took towards his position. As their shadows started looming over him, he turned so white that the average German looked Jamaican in comparison.
Though, once again, the doors closed just in time to save his life. The impact of almost 300 pounds of muscle mass from each orderly made the cabin shake and Shinji was certain that the stainless steel doors were bent, even just a little.
"OH YES... HE LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY... WHOOOOOHOOOOO!" Shinji yelled as he arrived at the roof. He left the elevator to get onto the tiny observation deck. As he got to the railing, he realized that there was no way he'd get down that way.
Luckily, there was still the stairs. While the bunch of people that tried to kill him would be on their way to the roof, he would be heading down the emergency stairs, to the garage, high jacking Misato's car and credit card and then straight to the next burger joint!
His plan had only one slight flaw. The door to the staircase was an emergency only door; only to be opened from the inside.
The latest development stuck Shinji like lightning, especially since the elevator just went down, to pick up a handful of extremely pissed-off people. Two doors, one locked from the other side and that was about to turn into Pandora's box.
Shinji did not like his options. Not even a little...
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Police Officer: … If you can keep him away from the park no charges will be filed. If we catch him like that in there again, he's going down, got that?
Kenuyasha. I understand officer, thank you a lot for bringing him home.
Police leaves the scene.
Yann-kun: I wonder why he did that
Kenuyasha smacks Yann-kun hard
Kenuyasha: Because you jerk set him off… Bad Yann-kun!
MyWay: Ok… everything is cool… I am under complete control now…
Yann-kun: Hey, you noticed? You got a second review! That means you only suck half as much as we initially suspected! Isn't that great news?
Twitch
MyWay roars: HUMAN KEBAB FOR DINNER!!!
Yann-kun amazed: Look at him go… like a machine! Even that wall couldn't stop him…
Kenuyasha growling: I - HATE - you!