Look After You- Chapter Nineteen
A/N: The next few chapters are definitely going to be towards the angsty side of things! Thanks again to Pepper for the beta. And Riss, the J/P references are for you
^ ^. Also, I've written a one-shot 'What-if" of this fic, about Tom kidnapping B'Elanna instead of Kathryn, as suggested by KUgirl, which is a lot lighter than this chapter!
References and lines from Dreadnought, Lifesigns and Investigations.
***
"Love till you hate. Jump till you break. Know that we all fall down," One Republic, All Fall Down.
Tom sat on his couch, with his head in his hands.
Earlier on in the day, he had had a meeting with Captain Janeway and Tuvok. They had informed him that someone on the ship appeared to be a traitor, and they needed to fish them out. The trouble was, they wanted him to be the bait.
After everything he had done, after all the troubles he had gone through and overcome, he felt that this command made it all redundant. They might as well have thrown him into a pit full of snakes; the conclusion would be the same. He would have to lie not only to his friends, but to everyone, making them believe that he was unhappy on Voyager and wanted to leave. But Tom wasn't unhappy; far from it. Saying no to the Captain's request was out of the question. She knew that Tom would accept whatever she asked because of how much he felt he owed her. Apparently, he was the only one she trusted to do this, and the only one who could pull off such a feat.
He didn't want to do this. He was tempted to feign an incurable illness just to get out of it. But he couldn't. How was he going to carry this off? How was he going to survive the next couple of months like this? He wasn't a liar anymore. And he certainly had more to care about than anything he ever felt he had. Yet he was about to throw it all away, just for a mission. The Captain had promised he'd be fully pardoned afterwards. But the mission would be difficult, and he had no idea whether he'd make it back alive.
He rubbed his eyes warily.
He thought he'd put that particular facet of lying and deceit into retirement, but apparently that wasn't to be. He would spend his time being unruly and unpredictable, and it hurt knowing that B'Elanna would see that side to him again, surely proving some reserved qualms she had about him right. And Harry…he would be shown the reason why he really shouldn't have befriended him, and this time it wouldn't be because of an alternate lifetime.
And that hurt more than anything.
He would spend the next two months on Voyager acting like a complete bastard, and he might never get the chance to tell his two best friends why.
***
There was no guide on how to alienate friends and close ones. But Tom didn't need one. He'd been an expert on it once, and though rusty, he could do it again.
The first step was to break it off with Susan.
He knew that if he wanted this plan to work, he had to cut off everybody. And it started with Susan. He knew that she would never break it off with him, and sensed that there was a level of adoration for him. Though touched, he knew that the relationship would have run its course eventually; he just didn't expect it to be so soon.
"I'm bored of this," he told her, trying not to show any emotion on his face.
Sue's face crumpled. "But why?" she demanded.
"Because this just isn't fun anymore," he drawled. "I'm sick of just seeing one person, Sue. I'm still young, and I need to have some fun. And being tied down with you…well, that's not going to happen, is it?"
He watched as a distraught look passed over her face. His heart clenched; she didn't deserve this behaviour from him, no one did.
She slapped him.
"I can't believe you!" she cried. "After all those rumours about you, I gave you a chance. But I guess they were all right in the end, weren't they?"
He gave her a shrug, and she stormed off while he stood rooted to the spot, numbness washing over him.
One down, he thought. And many more to go.
***
Once he'd got the ball rolling, it didn't seem to want to stop. Not that doing any of this came easy. In fact, he felt like he was putting on a performance, and hoping that it was bad enough that someone might see through it.
Putting on a fixed betting pool was the next step. He knew that his behaviour was upsetting Harry. They had betted on things before, of course, but that had all been in jest. He sensed that Harry could tell that Tom was setting not only him up, but everyone else who participated too.
After Chakotay had busted him, Harry had pulled him to the side.
"Tom, what's gotten in to you? You're acting like a fool."
Tom had merely shrugged. "I'm just acting like myself, Harry."
"I know you, Tom, and this isn't 'yourself'."
Tom had given him a condescending look. "This is the way I've always been. If you don't like it, then go."
Harry had given him a dark look in return and walked off.
"I told you that you shouldn't have become friends with me," Tom hollered after him.
He stood by the pool table, dejected. And another one bites the dust.
He only hoped Harry would forgive him later.
***
Harry gave him space after that. Harry wasn't a fool and he knew there was more to Tom than he was letting on, but Tom wasn't in the state of mind to divulge what was going on with him. At the moment, Tom was currently avoiding hanging around with him and B'Elanna, and from what he had heard, Tom was busy chasing after women again. As much as Harry thought Tom being with Sue had been a mistake, at least he had settled a bit. Now it seemed he was back to his former self, with a one track mind. He'd give him a few days, and try to get to the bottom of it. He knew that no matter what Tom said or did, there was no way he would revert back to his former self without a reason. He just hoped it was a good one.
***
"No Tom again?" B'Elanna asked, as she joined Harry for dinner in his quarters.
Harry shrugged. "God knows what Tom is up to. But he's starting to live up to all those rumours that were spread about his past life."
"Do you think he's acting this way because he broke up with Sue?"
He shrugged again. "I'm not sure. I heard Sue telling Jenny that Tom broke up with her in an uncharacteristically cold manner. And apparently he's hooking up with all these random women. Even before he dated Sue, he was never this…active."
B'Elanna frowned. "Then what? I have no idea why else he's acting like this. Unless it has something to do with the Warp 10 thing. Maybe it messed up his mentality. I'd be pretty messed up too, if I had mated with the Captain." She couldn't deny that Tom mating with the Captain was weird. Not that she begrudged the Captain of having that honour. B'Elanna certainly didn't want to be the one turning to a reptile and having lizard babies with Tom anytime soon.
"Or maybe when he was a lizard, he got infected by a parasite, and the parasite took over his brain and ate his personality."
"That would explain his lapse in presentation," B'Elanna mused. "He would most certainly have to be possessed by someone before he dares leave his room with messy hair."
"Or maybe Tom mating with the Captain is actually an indication that he has deep rooted feelings for her, and now he's feeling awkward about having her babies. I'm not sure he wanted it to go that far."
B'Elanna laughed. "He did blush every time he saw her afterwards. But lately, he's been acting funny around her too."
"Maybe he finally told her that he was deeply and passionately in love with her and she rejected him. I don't think he handles rejection well."
B'Elanna snorted. "Or perhaps he's decided he likes living as a reptile better. In fact, maybe he's retained the reptilian characteristics and that's why he's acting the way he is."
"Did you ever ask yourself why he turned into a lizard in the first place? It's kind of weird, don't you think? When you think 'mutation' you think human with super abilities and three eyes, not regressing and turning back into some reptile."
"Well it is Tom," B'Elanna pointed out. "The rules of science need not apply."
"Nor the rules of logic," Harry mused. "If he's still acting like this in a week, maybe we should accost him."
***
For yet another evening, Tom sat in his quarters by himself. He was reluctant to spend time with Harry and B'Elanna, in case he caused them further grief. He knew he wouldn't be allowed to keep his guard up around them, and no doubt they'd try and question what was wrong with him. And he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep the truth from them if they asked. He also knew that spending time with them and having to lie through his teeth would not only be painful to them, but extremely painful for him, and he wanted to spare them that at least.
He spread the rumour himself about him cavorting with an array of women. It wasn't even slightly true. But he had to paint a picture the Captain wanted them to see, and this was just another paint stroke in the mess of the painting that was this ordeal.
***
A week later, B'Elanna noticed Tom arriving late to the senior meeting, interrupting her while she was trying to explain about Dreadnought. His hair was in disarray and his clothes scruffy, and quite frankly he looked awful. And she knew that Tom was a stickler for punctuality and presentation. She cast him a look of concern as he sat down, but he ignored it.
Later, the Captain set the two of them to work together.
Momentarily putting her concerns over Tom to the side, she told him the truth about Dreadnought, and how it was her fault, something that worried her greatly.
She watched as Tom's eyes softened, and a familiar look she hadn't seen for a while shone through.
"You took a risk," he told her gently. "You were thinking like a Maquis. That was a whole different life."
B'Elanna sighed. "Tell me about it."
"You know, I've been surprised at how well you've been able to fit in here. A little envious, actually."
She looked at him in confusion. "What are you talking about? You've settled in here better than I have!"
He shook his head. "No, I haven't, not really anyway. I still feel that I'm struggling to gain everyone's approval."
There was some truth in his statement. Some people still didn't get Tom; but the majority had accepted him, even if the process had been slow.
B'Elanna wasn't sure what to say to that. "The only reason I've been able to fit so well here is because of you and Harry," she said truthfully. She frowned. "Tom, what's been going on lately?"
"Going on? How?"
She gestured a hand at his dishevelled appearance. "You look like you've been attached to the back of a shuttle and flown through an ion storm. You're turning up to meetings late. You've been gambling and apparently breaking a certain lieutenant's heart. Not to mention fighting with another."
"Lieutenant Rollins deserved it," Tom said matter-of-factly.
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "Joe probably claims I said the same about breaking his nose."
Tom frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're acting like a jerk, and you should stop."
Tom gave a disbelieving laugh. "Thanks!"
"Tom, I know there's something going on with you. And I'm not sure whether it has something to do with your accident, or something else. But you don't have to act like this. Harry and I are here for you, you know that, don't you?"
For a brief moment something flashed across his face. Frustration mingled with despair.
"If there was, I wouldn't tell you." Despite his words suggesting otherwise, there was no malice or sarcasm in his voice, and his eyes seemed to be pleading with her not to question what, but at the same time, transmitting some kind of message to her. But she had no idea what he was trying to say.
***
Tom spent another evening in his quarters. This time, he sat in a corner of his room, with the lights off.
There was not one moment during this task that Tom felt that any of this was easy. In fact, as everyday passed, the acting was becoming harder.
Today when B'Elanna had questioned him, confusion written all over her face, he had almost given in. Why did this stupid mission matter anyway? And surely it wouldn't affect things if B'Elanna and Harry knew…
But he knew telling them would be a mistake. He had told B'Elanna that he wouldn't' get into anymore perilous situations, and here he was walking straight into one. If he told her, she'd persuade him not to do it. And if the two of them knew, Tom wouldn't be able to find the strength to leave; knowing that if he did, there was no guarantee he'd come back. No, it was better to turn them against him, so he wouldn't mind leaving. In his mind he consoled himself with the fact that he was protecting them. From what, he didn't know.
***
B'Elanna was determined to find out what was wrong with Tom. She knew him quite well now, and that haunted look is his eye was definitely a sign that something was amiss. What that something was, she had no clue. She was no investigator, and usually people acting funny wasn't enough for her to question what was wrong, but Tom was her friend, and feelings for him or not, she still felt this strong urge to help him.
Just when she was going to start sleuthing, the Doctor called her to Sickbay, and what he had to say made her forget about Tom.
***
"You shoved Commander Chakotay?" Kes asked, from her position on the other side of the barrier of the Brig.
He grimaced. "I didn't intend to. It just…sort of happened."
Kes gave him a look of concern, a look he was growing used to seeing from his friends. She had heard that he had been placed in the Brig for attacking the Commander, and had managed to persuade Tuvok to let her see him. How she managed to do so, Tom had no idea, but Kes had this cunning ability to sweet talk people into doing what she wanted, something that made Tom proud.
"Tom," she admonished. "This isn't like you."
He paced around in the small confines of the Brig. "Don't you think I know that?" he practically shouted at her.
Kes winced at his tone, and his features softened.
"Sorry," he apologized.
"That's okay," she replied, concern still emanating from her features.
He rubbed his face in frustration; the last few weeks finally catching up on him. All the jadedness he had been pretending to project was getting to him, and he could no longer tell whether those feelings were real or not. He began to suspect that it was the former, and he had no idea whether he was pretending to be extremely frustrated with being on Voyager, or whether the acting had stopped long ago. He was starting to break; the thoughts in his head a mass of incoherence and trouble.
"I'm just so fed up!" he cried. "You have no idea- no one has any idea how hard this has been for me. She asked me to do this, with no concern for my welfare, and I'm cracking Kes, I really am."
She looked at him in confusion. "I don't understand, Tom. Who's making you do this?"
He ignored the question, still pacing. "No one knows how important winning Chakotay's respect is to me." He gave a bitter laugh. "When he first met me, he had the look in his eyes, you know? Like he believed that I really could help the Maquis. He'd regret it later; I made sure my behaviour made him believe so. But he talked me into it, and the look in his eyes dared me to find something better. Yet though he believed in me as a pilot, I knew he didn't respect me as a person, and something about that made me want to earn his respect. And I may have lost any hope of that when I made it seem like I abandoned them, but I damn well earned it here on Voyager. And now she wants me to throw of all that away, for this… this."
He was rambling, he knew, but he couldn't help it anymore. Hell, he couldn't think straight anymore.
Kes continued to look confused. She didn't understand what Tom meant about him abandoning the Maquis. Though she knew he had been involved with them, he had never told her the full story. Yet she had sensed Tom's respect for Chakotay, and knew how much Chakotay's own respect for Tom meant to him, as if he were compensating for the lack of respect from his own father. But who was this 'she' Tom was talking about? Was it the Captain?
Kes got as close to the barrier that she could get.
"Tom, whatever or whoever is upsetting you, you don't have to go through this alone."
Tom sat down on the bench, and emitted another bitter laugh.
"Oh, believe me, I have wished that were so."
"Talk to me, Tom," she said, as softly as she could.
He got up, and walked over to her, noting the deep rooted worry in her eyes. These friends of his didn't give up on him easily.
"Kes, have you ever had to do something you didn't believe in, but had to because you were told to?"
She shook her head. She was only two years old, and she knew that time was against her. She never wanted to live a life of regrets, and tried hard to live by that rule. The first year of her life she'd tried so desperately to break away from the norm of her people's lives, and had succeeded. She could have so easily been the person who did what she was told, either with or without question. But she chose not to be. She chose to break away, and that's how she ended up on Voyager, where she'd gone from strength to strength.
"No," she answered. "But I could have, if I hadn't rebelled. Whatever it is, couldn't you do the same?"
He smiled sadly. "That's not an option. You see, the person who is telling me to do this, is someone I greatly admire, and I could never go against her wishes. Plus, someone has to do this, otherwise the whole ship will be in danger. I guess I'm the most expendable guy."
He was aware that he was close to revealing the whole truth, but he didn't care anymore. He couldn't keep this locked inside any longer, and he wasn't sure if he could even do this. He was starting to hate the Captain for making him endure this, and that was a feeling he was uncomfortable with.
Kes began to protest, but at that moment Tuvok walked in.
"Lieutenant Paris, you are free to go. The Captain would like to see you," he informed him.
The barrier went down, and Kes immediately went up to him and clasped his arm.
"I'll be okay," he assured her.
"I hope so," she whispered softly.
***
"You want me to do WHAT?" B'Elanna cried.
"The procedure is quite simple," the Doctor prattled away. "I'll drive an opening in your skull, approximately 2mm in diameter…"
B'Elanna drowned out his words, and looked at him as though he'd grown several holographic heads.
The nerve of him! Of all people, the Doctor should know that she had an…aversion to Vidiians since what she went through, and here he was acting like he was entitled to take her DNA to save one of them! Anger started boiling in her veins.
"…I demand that you put on a surgical gown and let me do this operation," he carried on.
"That's it?" she cried again. "No 'please'? No 'can I'? Do you really expect me to do this just because you demand it?"
The Doctor himself started to grow angry, and if B'Elanna didn't know better, he was becoming too emotionally attached to this patient, if that were even possible.
"Yes!" he exclaimed. "This patient is dying, and you're her only hope for surviving. Therefore, you must do this."
"How dare you!" she began, angrily. "How dare you suggest I must do this, because she's dying. When Durst was being carted off, do you think these 'people' gave a damn for his needs? Do you think that they even cared? They extracted his organs as if he were some sort of old-fashioned lab rat, with no concern for him being a person. Yet, you want me to ignore this, and help her, after all they've done? Doctor, I still have nightmares about what those people did to me. And if you think that I will-that I would even consider helping one of them- then you're sadly and grossly mistaken!"
She wasn't aware until after her rant that she had been flailing her arms around wildly.
The Doctor also gestured wildly at her. "You're letting your prejudices get in the way, lieutenant! This woman is nothing like those barbarians you met! If you only gave her a chance-,"
"No!" she cried. "You don't know how-,"
She was interrupted by another presence in the room.
"Excuse me," came another female's voice, one that was certainly not Kes.
On realizing who this woman was, B'Elanna immediately became quiet, and sidled back into her chair, as if trying to get as much distance between her and the Vidiian as possible.
"I just want to say that I read about the experiments that were done to you. What you went through must have been very traumatic."
Though she was reluctant to do so, the woman's voice commanded her attention. "That's an understatement," she muttered.
"I'm sure it is," Dr Pel said with compassion. "But please understand that this disease has been killing my people for hundreds of years. Finding a cure has become an obsession, and many of the scientists and politicians have never developed a compassion for the people who've kept us alive."
B'Elanna looked at the woman. She looked nothing like the Vidiians she had encountered, although she knew that was because she was a holographic projection of what she could look like, had the disease not been afflicted on her. The empathetic look in her eyes suggested that she was truly a good person, and nothing like the maiming men she had met.
"Have you ever killed someone in order to cure this disease? Or had someone kill someone for your research?" she asked, the answer being extremely important to her.
"No," Denara replied, shaking her head. "I believe that there are other ways, and my research has been trying to find one. I would never intentionally harm another person just so that one of my people can live a little longer."
B'Elanna nodded, numbly. She had gone so long thinking that all Vidiians were monsters, that somewhere along the way she forgot that they had been people, too, and though the Vidiians she had met seemed to have forgotten that too, some, like Denara, hadn't.
"Not all of us are like them," Denara said, as if reading her mind. "The majority of us just want to get better and get on with our lives. But we know that there isn't much hope for us left, and these grafts are only prolonging the inevitable." She turned in the direction of the body sitting on the biobed. "When I accepted those grafts, I had no idea the horror that went into obtaining them. It wasn't until later that I learnt the truth, and from then refused them." She cast her eyes downwards. "As much as I want to go on living, I know that because of my choice, I will die soon, and I've accepted that fact." She stepped towards B'Elanna. "I only want your help if you're willing to give it."
B'Elanna didn't know what to say to that. "I…I… I need some time to think," she stammered, before rushing out the room.
***
"Mr Paris," Kathryn greeted, as Tom stepped into her office.
"Captain," he greeted back with formality.
She regarded him from her position behind her desk. His back was ramrod straight, with his hands clasped behind him. This Tom wasn't the same Tom she had encountered several weeks ago, the one who had been begging her for the chance to experience what could be the greatest moment of his life. The man before her was dishevelled, tired, and carried a haunted look in his eyes. Quite frankly, he was a mess, and with a heavy heart she realized that was because of her.
"Take a seat," she said, motioning for the chair before her. He did as he was told.
"I wanted you to know, that I think you're doing extremely well on this mission."
His lips tightened into a thin line. "Did my mission include physical injury to Commander Chakotay?"
The Captain frowned. "While I admit that that wasn't part of the plan, the part you played was extremely believable."
"I'm glad that my performance pleased you," he replied back, coldly.
Kathryn sighed. "Lieutenant, you know what the situation is. Voyager is in danger, and truth be told, I see no other way to get us out of it."
"There's always another way!" he cried. "Captain, do you know how hard this has been for me? Everybody thinks I'm just messing around, up to my old tricks. Surely you saw Harry's face when I came up with those excuses for being late? He was embarrassed of me! And what about Chakotay? I bet he doesn't quite understand why I attacked him, even though he'd been trying to help me!"
Kathryn frowned again. Thought she hadn't given him a script to follow, she had been the one to dictate the tone in which he should act, to which he had followed to the letter.
"You expect me to do this, isolating the ones I love. You won't let me tell them what is really going on with me. And now they probably think I'm suffering from some psychotic breakdown! I can't continue like this. Quite frankly, I'm tempted to quit."
When the Captain had asked him to partake in this mission, she knew she wouldn't be setting him an easy task. She knew he would find it hard to lie and act as if he had fallen from grace, particularly since he had only recently strived to be the best he could. But she had no idea the gravity of the dilemma she had set him, and it was only now, seeing him broken and beaten before her, that she truly understood the weight she had asked him to carry.
"Tom, I truly am sorry for setting you this task. If you really want to quit, then I will try and find another way to find out who the spy is. But everything has already been set in motion. If you change your behaviour, he or she will begin to suspect something is wrong. And as much as I would love you to relieve the burden and tell your friends, it will compromise the mission."
"And I guess that is more important than my welfare," he muttered.
"Tom-," she began.
He cut her off. "No. I will do this, Captain. But only because the crew is at risk. Just know that there is a price to be paid."
"I will do everything in my power to ensure that you will be returned safely."
The look in his eyes suggested that wasn't what he meant.
But it doesn't really matter, he thought. It never really did.