Look After You- Chapter Twenty One
Many thanks to Pepper for the beta. References and lines from Investigations.
***
"Wait and please stay. I hope that you will find your way. Please wait and just stay, I hope there will be better days,"- Elisa, Stay.
***
It was with a mixture of trepidation and relief that Tom began to pack his belongings in a duffel bag. The photo of his friends that he killed went into the sealed compartment, as did the photo of him, Harry, and B'Elanna. Next were his clothes and the bare essentials that he might need. Everything else he'd leave behind.
His door bell chimed, and he sighed. Company was the last thing he needed right now.
"Come in," he called in.
The figure of Neelix stepped through.
"Neelix," he greeted, surprised by his presence. "How's it going?" He noticed the sombre look on his face. "Not good it looks like. What's wrong?"
Neelix stood there for a moment, shuffling his feet. "I hear you're leaving the ship."
Tom's eyebrows shot up. He didn't expect anyone to know. "Good news travels fast I guess," he mused. He quickly tried to come up with an explanation. He hadn't even considered coming up with something to say if asked why he was leaving. "Yeah, I figured there was more room for advancement on a Talaxian convoy than there was on the only Starfleet ship in the Quadrant." That was a load of crap and he knew it. He had no intentions of 'advancing' in Starfleet. He was Chief Helmsman and a senior staff member- he didn't want any more advancement!
Neelix looked confused. "When did you make this decision?"
"Truthfully? About a minute and a half after I set foot on this ship a year ago." Another lie. In fact, he had made the opposite decision; choosing to try and conform to Starfleet and be somebody worthwhile. He hadn't regretted that decision for one moment. "I knew it was a mistake to try and fit into Starfleet again and I should have listened to myself. A few more months in that rehab colony would have been a hell of a lot better than being here."
Neelix clasped his hands together. "Tom, I know you and I have had our differences, but I thought we'd put those behind us."
Tom put down the shirt he was about to put in his bag and looked at Neelix. Since the incident when he and Neelix were stranded looking after the baby reptile-looking alien -what was it with his affinity for reptiles?-, him and Neelix had become a lot closer. Before, Neelix was overly jealous of his close relationship with Kes, even wrongly accusing him of having feelings for her. Neelix also had fallen into the category of people who were distrusting of him, falling for the cocky attitude he had projected. However, the two of them had bonded over nurturing the baby alien and had been firm friends ever since.
"Neelix, no," he answered him honestly. "This isn't about anyone except me. I've done this to me, like always. No matter where I go, or who I'm with, I make a mess of things. The unmistakeable conclusion is that deep down I don't want friends, or a family or a home, otherwise I wouldn't keep sabotaging the possibilities."
One more lie. Here on Voyager, his friends were his family, and his 'family' his home, and so far he'd tried to ensure that this time, he didn't make a mess of things.
Neelix gave him a look of deep sadness. "I thought you'd found these things here."
Neelix had never been more right.
They talked a little bit more- about images and departing. Finally, Neelix bade him goodbye and engulfed him in a hug he hadn't been expecting. Tom hugged him back tightly; truly sorry to be leaving his friends like this.
***
Just as he was exiting his quarters, he bumped into B'Elanna.
"Tom!" she cried, evidently out of breath, as if she had run to see him.
"B'Elanna!" he cried back, in surprise. After Neelix, he was hoping he wouldn't run into anymore friends. Really hoping.
"I heard-," she broke off what she was about to say and looked down at his outfit. "What are you wearing?" she demanded.
He looked down at the oversized puce green pattered top and over-sized brown trousers he was wearing.
"What do you mean?" he asked with a frown. He didn't think he looked that bad.
That has to be the ugliest thing I've ever seen him wear, she thought.
"I er…nothing," she said distractedly. She tried to compose herself. "I just wanted to know whether it was true."
"Is what true?"
"That you're leaving Voyager?"
He sighed, and leaned against his door frame. "Yeah, it's true."
B'Elanna frowned. "I don't understand. Why, Tom?"
He really didn't want to get into this conversation, especially after talking similarly to Neelix.
"Look at me, B'Elanna. We both know that someone like me doesn't belong on a ship like this. Let's face it; I fight with more crewmen than any other person onboard. And I can't abide to Starfleet's stringent rules anymore. It's time to face the facts: I don't belong here and never did."
"But you love it here! Remember? You love flying the ship and the thrill it gives you. You love your position as a senior officer. You love building holo-deck programs. You love hanging out in Sandrine's. You love the danger and the excitement being a member of Voyager gives you. Doesn't any of that mean anything to you?"
It means everything! He screamed inside. "It's not enough anymore," he said shortly.
"Then what about Harry and me? Don't we count for something? And what about Kes? Or Neelix? Aren't they reason to stay?"
"You guys mean everything to me! But, B'Elanna, if I stay, I'm only going to get worse. The way I've been acting recently, is just a minor symptom of all that, and if I don't leave then there's no knowing what my behaviour is going to be like. And I can't let you see that."
"I could help you!" she cried. "Whatever the reason is you're feeling all these things, maybe I can help. I don't want you to go, Tom," she said with despair.
"Believe me, B'Elanna, I wish there was another way." He looked down at the ground, then back up at her. "Anyway, I better get going. Take care, B'Elanna."
B'Elanna watched him as he started walking off. That's it? She thought. After all we've been through together, it ends with an odd explanation and 'take care'?
With each footstep, he took a step into disappearing from her life forever. Her heart started racing. Not too long ago, she thought she had let him go without ever letting him know how she felt, and with every step he took, the chance to tell him again was slipping away. She never thought she'd have the courage to tell him, but the chance that he might stay if she told him, outweighed the fear of what would happen if she did tell him.
She didn't have time to think about what she was going to say. Words came to her mind, and she just spoke.
"You're the only one who sees me for who I really am," she said, her voice clear as she watched his retreating form.
Tom stopped in his tracks, and slowly turned around. "What?"
"When we first started becoming friends, you said that I should be more open. I've never been so open with anyone my entire life," she implored, and started fidgeting with her hands when she realized that she had his full attention. "I mean Harry understands me, and so does Chakotay. But you… you really see me. You know who I am, both Klingon and human, and you accept every bit of me. You always know the right words…and the right thing to do…you get me…and I care for you. Tom, I don't want you to go. Please? Please stay?"
He came a few steps closer to her, and she could see turmoil in his eyes.
"B'Elanna, you have no idea how much I'd give anything to stay here. With you. With Harry. With everybody. But I can't."
"But why?"
He shook his head, and she could see moisture in his eyes. Tears?
"It's not my choice to make," he answered, distraught.
"I don't get it," she said, frustration evident in her voice.
He closed his eyes and scrunched his face momentarily.
"I know it seems I'm being selfish by leaving. But one day, B'Elanna, you'll understand why I had to leave, and then you'll see how much I wanted to stay behind. And you'll know that I did it because I care for you, too."
He stepped closer to her, and brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. He leant in and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. "Goodbye, B'Elanna. I'm not sure if I'll ever see you again, but I hope so."
And before she could even react- to grab hold of him to stop him from going or hitting him for trying to leave- he was gone. She'd opened up to him- though not completely-, but it wasn't enough to make him stay.
It wasn't until he was out of sight did she realize that by leaving, he was breaking his promise to her.
***
It was with a heavy heart that Tom set off to the Transporter Room. The words B'Elanna spoke swirled around in his mind, and he repeated them over and over again, transcribing them to his soul, knowing that he may never have a chance to speak to her again. Though his feelings towards B'Elanna were unclear at best, he still cared for her, and whether that was as a friend or something more, he'd wished he'd given himself the opportunity to find out while he had time.
You're the only one who sees me for who I really am.
That particular phrase and the clear-cut, honest way she had spoken it was on constant refrain in his mind. Despite all the uncertainty, more than anything, he wished that he had told her that he thought the very same of her.
***
A/N: The line "You're the only one who sees me for who I really am," was inspired from the scene in Scrubs (of all things) where the Janitor says to Elliott: "You're the only one who treats me like a real person." That concept pretty much was the basis of me writing this story.