Look After You- Chapter Twenty-Two
A/N: Thanks to Pepper for the beta. This chapter was quite hard to write, but hopefully I got it right. References and lines from Investigations.
***
"Ooh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in, since the day she saw him walking away. Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made," John Mayer, Daughters.
***
For the third night running, B'Elanna sat on her bed, with her knees drawn up and trying to find comfort in the darkness. The last thing she had expected was for Tom to leave the ship. She thought that he was just going through a phase, and perhaps just needed a bit of time to get past it. But to consciously decide that Voyager wasn't for him anymore? She felt like they'd played a game of Parrises Squares, but instead of taking a few steps forward, they'd taken quite a few back.
"You know, I made a promise when we came back from the mines," his voice resounded clearly in her head, and as she closed her eyes, her mind brought her back to a day that seemed so long ago.
She'd given him a sceptical look. "What kind of promise?"
"That I'd try and keep you safe, so you never get hurt like that again."
She didn't feel very safe right now. She felt like she was five-years-old again, and her father had just left her. Her five-year-old self sat beside her on the bed; the two of them trying so desperately to grasp hold of the situation, and battle through a tide of confusion and betrayal; both of them wondering why the men they had both loved had walked out on them.
The same thought played over and over again in both of their heads: why wasn't I enough for him to want to stay?
***
He lay across the top bunk; the length too short for his tall frame. Below him, a Talaxian slept, snoring quite loudly. His new 'home' wasn't exactly luxury, but he'd seen worse.
He was glad that everything was set in motion, and now he could actually start doing instead of thinking. Tom only hoped that he was able to make it back to find out who the spy was, if only so he could beat the crap out of him -and Tom was sure it was a 'he'- for endangering them all like this.
***
B'Elanna was sick at looking at the warp-core. The colour it was currently emitting didn't even remotely resemble the eye colour of a certain recently departed lieutenant, but it didn't stop her making the comparison.
"I haven't seen you do this in a while," a voice beside her. She turned to find Joe standing next to her, both of them with a front-seat view of the warp core.
"Yeah," she mused. "It's been a while."
"Thinking about the warp core again?"
B'Elanna let out a soft sigh. "Just thinking about how temperamental it can be, and how I can't seem to figure it out."
"Well, you know what warp cores are like. And let's face it; we've all seen a lot of warp cores. They maybe hard to handle, but they're worth having. And every good engineer knows that no warp core worth having comes easily."
B'Elanna had to grin at his cheesy logic. "What if that warp core doesn't give you the chance to find out?"
"Then you just have to give it time and see what happens. With warp cores, anything is possible."
"I guess so," she said with a wry smile. "Anyway, I'm sorry, I should be working..."
"B'Elanna, please. You're the most efficient engineer I know. I bet you're even doing a warp-core analysis just by looking at it. The offer of needing a bit of time to 'think about the warp core' still stands, you know."
B'Elanna gave a small laugh. "Why do I get the feeling you're just trying to get me out of Engineering so you can secretly take over?"
"Oh, B'Elanna, you know that I'm a lot less subtle than that."
B'Elanna's combadge beeped.
"Lieutenant Torres, please report to briefing room for a senior meeting," came the Captain's voice.
B'Elanna sighed again. "Well, lieutenant, I guess Engineering is yours," she told him as she began to make a move for the exit. "I want no trouble in here, okay?"
"What was that?" Joe said with innocence. "You want me to throw a party in here and graffiti the walls?"
She shook her finger at him, and with a laugh he waved her off.
***
Tom gazed at his new surroundings. Compared to this, the Talaxian convoy looked like a luxury space cruise ship liner. But then, the Kazon Nistrim weren't exactly known for their impressive decor.
Tom emitted a sigh, and sunk down on the ground. He'd only been on the convoy a couple of days, and the Kazon had swept in pretty swiftly to get him. He was surprised, but glad that things were progressing at such a rapid pace. Maybe he'd be back on Voyager within a day. But the sinking feeling in his stomach told him that things weren't looking good.
This was affirmed for him when the doors opened to reveal Seska.
His heart sunk.
He had never trusted Seska, not even in the Maquis. Back then, he had observed her perpetual jealousy, especially over B'Elanna. Seska had hated how Chakotay's attentions had been diverted to B'Elanna, but she wasn't to know that it was more out of protection. After all, B'Elanna had been the youngest one onboard at that time, and Chakotay's concern for her was hard to miss. Tom had suspected that B'Elanna's own feelings towards Chakotay were more along the lines of adoration. To what level she adored him, he had no idea.
Seska sauntered in.
"Hello, Tom," she said with a smirk.
Tom straightened up and headed towards her.
"Hello, Seska." He made sure that the smirk on his face was enough to rival hers. "You're looking radiantly maternal."
The look in her eyes suggested she was up for a verbal sparring, and Tom was sure as hell going to give her one.
***
B'Elanna took her usual spot next to Harry. Her gaze kept going over to the spot Tom usually sat in, expecting him to somehow magically appear.
She couldn't pay attention to a word the Captain was saying. Something about being aware that there was an increase in engine core temperature. She could have been speaking gibberish for all she knew.
Harry was obviously feeling just as unsettled as she was. She could see his despair as he tried to clutch straws, hoping that Janeway would hold open Tom's position.
B'Elanna's combadge beeped.
"Engineering to Torres."
She touched her badge.
"Go ahead."
"Carey here. We have a problem that I need your help on. The magnetic constrictors have lost alignment and the plasma stream is way too hot. You better come down here."
"On my way."
B'Elanna gave a sigh and headed out, with Neelix deciding to tag along with her.
***
"I leave you alone for ten minutes…" she said to Joe, with a mock stern look, as Neelix stared on in awe of her department.
He held his hands up in the air. "Hey, don't look at me. I was busy organising the party in the office. Jonas is the one who noticed it," he said, gesturing to the young man.
"It's gotten worse," Michael informed her. "I can't get the injector valves closed. Anti-matter is starting to seep into the warp core."
"Have you tried adjusting the power transfer conduits?" she asked as she and Joe walked up to him.
"Yes," he replied. "No effect."
"We have to try and contain the reaction in the core," Joe added, growing frustrated.
Seconds later, the warning alarms started going off.
B'Elanna and Joe exchanged glances, knowing that the outcome of this could only be very bad.
A minute later and their warp core coils were damaged.
It was definitely going to be a long day.
***
Damaged warp core coils and now this?
B'Elanna and the rest of the crew stared at the screen in shock.
The Kazon Nistrim had kidnapped Tom.
It was an unexpected twist in the series of disasters that seemed to be occurring.
What did it all mean? There was something suspect about the Kazon taking Tom. It was almost if they knew he had left Voyager…
Whatever the reason, B'Elanna couldn't help feeling scared for Tom's safety. He would have been safe with the rest of the Talaxians, but not with the Kazon. The Kazon weren't exactly in the habit of kidnapping men so they could enjoy tea together.
And just like that, the chances of Tom ever coming back to Voyager collapsed significantly.
Oh Tom, why couldn't you have stayed right where you were?
***
Becoming a pilot for the Kazon wasn't exactly top on his list of priorities. In fact, Tom was pretty sure that he'd rather eat Neelix's leola root than fly a ship for them.
He was glad when Seska left, and immediately felt sorry for an unsuspecting Chakotay. Yet somehow, her falling pregnant and using that as a way to manipulate the Commanding Officer, didn't exactly surprise him.
As soon as she had disappeared, Tom darted over to one of the control panels. It was foolish of her to leave him in a room unsupervised, but it would be more foolish of Tom to think they weren't monitoring his actions. However, that wasn't going to stop him conducting a few investigations of his own.
***
For the second time that day, B'Elanna stared in shock at information being relayed on a screen.
Was Neelix right? Had Tom in fact been conveying information to the Kazon? Wouldn't that make him a spy?
She couldn't quite believe the news. She knew Tom. Tom would never sell himself out like that. Or would he? Doubt clouded her mind. There was so much she still had yet to learn about Tom, but she never foresaw a dark side like this to him. But maybe that was the point.
B'Elanna felt a cold shiver rush through her.
All of a sudden she didn't feel like she knew Tom at all.
***
Michael Jonas was the spy? That bastard!
Tom stared at the screen, slightly shocked at this revelation. Of all the people that could have been a spy, he hadn't expected Jonas. Granted, they didn't exactly know each other well, but he had always come across as the prissy type and someone who was more likely to go running to the Captain when someone did something wrong, not the complete opposite.
At that moment, Seska and two of her crony Kazon sidekicks came barging in, just as he was getting to the good part.
Oh crap, he thought. She'd caught him out sooner than he expected.
"Well Tom, it's always good to have ones instincts verified."
Tom faced her with a defiant look. "Clever plan, Seska, leading Voyager into an ambush. But even so, this ship will be outmanned and outgunned." At least, he was fairly sure anyway.
"That's why we have ground troops on Hemikek," she replied, a little too smugly for her own good. "And more ships on the way."
Crap, he thought again.
"Now, don't you wish you'd taken my offer?"
"Seska, I'd rather eat poison," he informed her, before the device he planted on the console exploded.
In the midst of confusion, he tackled the two Kazon and made his escape.
Just as he was leaving, he couldn't help but turn around and retort, "Thanks for the hospitality!" And then legged it.
***
B'Elanna sat in Sickbay, waiting for the Doctor to heal a hand laceration she had procured; the thoughts in her head a jumble of confusion.
Harry had rushed into Engineering to inform her that Tom had made contact with Voyager. He had sent a frantic message, urging the Captain not to land on the planet, warning of an ambush. The two of them had looked at each other in bewilderment. Why was Tom telling the Captain that, and why had the Captain acted like she wasn't the least bit surprised by him?
The news had made B'Elanna cut her hand by accident. Maybe Tom wasn't a spy, and Neelix had got it all wrong! Hope began to dwell in her.
Her eyes drifted down to her cut hand and she'd left to get it sorted. Joe had already ended his shift, but she hoped that Jonas would be okay in charge for a while.
Kes came up to her, and B'Elanna managed a small smile.
"Hello, B'Elanna, how are you?" Kes asked.
"I'll be better when this hand is fixed," she replied.
"The Doctor will be ready in a few minutes. He's just finishing with the others." Kes hesitated. "Has Voyager heard from Tom?"
B'Elanna didn't say anything for a moment. "Apparently, Tom got in contact with Voyager, not too long ago. His message was frantic, but he seems to think we're heading in danger. It made it seem-,"
"Like he wasn't the spy," Kes finished. "Neelix believes the spy is still onboard, and he's trying to figure it out."
B'Elanna thought of Neelix donning his investigative hat, and smiled at the thought of his insistence.
B'Elanna focused her gaze on Kes' face. There was something about her expression that called for attention...
"Kes, what is it?"
Kes hesitated again. "I believe that Tom has been acting the way he has the last two months because the Captain ordered him to."
B'Elanna's eyes widened. "He told you this?"
"Not exactly... when he was in the Brig, he said some things I don't think he meant to, but I got the impression that he was given a mission that he was having trouble handling."
Ever so quietly B'Elanna answered, "He never let me in on it."
The two women locked gazes; Kes' reflecting deep sympathy, and B'Elanna's reflecting immense confusion.
***
Although he had already informed the Captain of who the spy onboard was, Tom had no doubt in his mind that Jonas would go to all means necessary to lead Voyager into the hands of the Kazon. Given that Jonas worked in Engineering, it seemed logical to assume that was the place he would use to orchestrate his damage. It didn't take long for his brain to click that Engineering was the place B'Elanna was most likely to be. Suddenly, getting back to Voyager never seemed more important. A hundred scenarios ran through his head: Jonas holding B'Elanna hostage or Jonas going on a killing rage. It didn't matter that his presence probably wouldn't make a difference- he was determined to find a way to stop him.
Frantically, he flew the shuttle, struggling under fire from the Kazon ship. But this wasn't the first time Tom had flown a ship in such perilous conditions. After everything he'd been through, after all he endured, there was no way he was going to lose now, not when he was so close to finishing. Truth be told, he never thought he'd make it this far back, and he'd be damned if he didn't make it all the way through.
The thought of getting back to ensure B'Elanna's safety was the last thing he thought about before his head was knocked against the console and he was rendered unconscious.
***
It really had been a long, confusing day.
For all Joe and B'Elanna's joking about taking over Engineering, Michael Jonas had gone and done just that, almost killing Neelix in the process.
How had she not picked up on the signs? Jonas' near-aggressive behaviour towards Neelix, his jitteriness, anxiety and distracted manner- all the signs suggested that something was wrong. And she didn't even have a clue.
It would be fair to say she herself had been distracted. She'd been worrying about Tom and whether he would ever come back, and then later, whether he really was a spy. To find out that he wasn't a spy was a great relief, but it opened the door to many other problems.
As for Jonas being the spy, well, B'Elanna was just glad that she hadn't been in Engineering when Neelix had figured him out; otherwise it wouldn't have been plasma fire that would have been his cause of death.
Exhausted, B'Elanna let out a tired yawn and decided to go to bed. She fell asleep the moment her head touched her pillow.
***
When Tom opened his eyes, he was greeted by the concern look of Kes. His vision slightly blurry, he tried to focus his gaze.
"Kes," he said weakly, trying to smile. "It's good to see you." And it really was.
Kes smiled back, and reached for his hand. "It's good to see you too, Tom."
He tried to sit up from his position on the biobed, but Kes gently pushed him back down.
"You need to rest, Tom," she admonished gently.
He settled back down. "What happened? Did Tuvok managed to get Jonas? Is B'Elanna okay?"
"Everything's fine, Tom. You passed out on the way here, but Harry managed to beam you out, just in time, too. He came by earlier, and he said he'll come and visit you in the morning. Neelix was the one who figured out about Jonas. He wasn't convinced by you leaving the ship, and went to investigate."
Tom had to smile at that. It sure sounded like Neelix.
"At first, there were implications that you were the spy and Neelix broadcast this information on his morning show, although with great dissatisfaction I might add. Still, he remained uncertain, and that's how he unravelled that it was in fact Jonas. He confronted him in Engineering, although the two of them were the only ones there, and Jonas managed to barricade them in. Neelix knew that Tuvok would have trouble getting hold of Jonas, so Neelix intervened and he...it... well, Jonas ended up dying."
"Oh," he replied, surprised.
"Tom, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Kes."
"When you were in the Brig you mentioned doing something you didn't want to do. Was this it?"
Tom let out a sigh. "Don't get me wrong, for the most part I would do whatever it takes to ensure Voyager's safety. But this...this was hard. The Captain wanted me to lie to everyone, and I hated that, you know? But we had to flush out the spy, and it seemed that this was the only way."
Kes nodded. "You did a good job." She hesitated for a moment. "Tom?"
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
"Truthfully? Not really. But I will be."
Kes squeezed his hand reassuringly.
At that moment, the Captain walked into Sickbay, and Kes immediately retreated into the Doctor's office.
"Tom," she greeted gently.
"Captain," he replied.
He suddenly felt really awkward. When he had been communicating with Voyager from his shuttle, his previous feelings of unease towards the Captain had been forgotten. Then, the only thing that mattered was getting back to Voyager. And though he couldn't deny that getting back safely was accompanied with certain euphoria that made him forget the hardships of the mission, he could not easily forget her decision.
"You did a wonderful job, Tom," she told him with beatific smile.
"I'm glad you think so," he replied tersely.
"Everyone is extremely proud of you, myself included. And Neelix is already asking for your presence in tomorrow's morning show."
Tom nodded.
She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Tom, I know this wasn't easy for you. But you should know, sending you on this mission and gambling with your life wasn't easy for me either. And words cannot express how grateful I am for what you did, and for making it back safely."
He looked into her eyes. There was worry there and almost a plea for forgiveness.
But could it ever be that easy?
***
B'Elanna cursed at her computer console.
There, on screen, was Tom talking to Neelix.
How dare he! She thought furiously. How dare he just stroll back onboard as if the last few days were merely a game for him!
She observed his jokey rapport with Neelix.
Damn him!
Typical of Tom to do something like this. Typical of him to confuse everyone with his unclear intentions. Typical of him to all along be doing the honourable thing and playing the hero.
Him not telling her about the mission but letting Kes in on it, whether deliberate or not, hurt like hell. She thought- or rather hoped- that she was close enough to Tom for him to confide anything in her. She frowned. Had Harry been told? She didn't think so. Harry would have given her a sign, surely, and even if he had been told, his confusion seemed genuine enough. If only Tom would have told her, it would have prevented so many wasted feelings: feelings of abandonment- surely he knew how much she hated people leaving her? Feelings of hurt, confusion, disappointment, and betrayal...
They'd all left the moment she realized in Sickbay that there was more to his departure than he had let on. But not the hurt. That lingered like a bad smell in the air.
"I know it seems I'm being selfish by leaving. But one day, B'Elanna, you'll understand why I had to leave, and then you'll see how much I wanted to stay behind. And you'll know that I did it because I care for you, too."
His voice sounded in her head like a gentle caress, reminding her that Tom had his reasons for concealing the truth from her, and maybe it hadn't exactly been easy for him.
But the reminder didn't do anything to change how she felt, and she realized that she was mad at him for all of this.
***
It was straight back to work the following day, something that Tom relished. It felt good to be back, to not have to act or lie. And sure, even revealing the truth on Neelix's broadcast had been immensely satisfying. It felt good to be the good guy again, and on the way to the Bridge he was greeted with a slightly higher proportion of smiles than indifference to usual. As he passed Chakotay's chair, he was greeted with a scowl. Okay, maybe he shouldn't have made that comment about him, but he didn't want Chakotay to think Tom was growing soft. Still, maybe he'd better apologize at some point anyway.
Tom's first day on the Bridge passed with little event. Harry was ecstatic to have him back, but not nearly as much as Tom was to see him. When the Captain and the Commanding Officer stepped out, they made a point of throwing things at each other; their way of welcoming each other back.
One thing Tom did notice was the cool attitude of Chakotay to Janeway. Tom had been right: Chakotay was going to find it hard to accept Kathryn's betrayal. But no doubt she'd work at changing that soon enough.
When his shift finally drew to an end, Tom joined Harry for dinner in his quarters. It felt good to be doing this again and not brooding in his room. By an unspoken agreement, the two of them did not mention his mission; that was a topic for another day. Instead, it was beer, pizza, and small talk.
Eventually, Tom asked whether B'Elanna would be joining them, and Harry informed him that she would later.
When Harry's doorbell chimed, Tom found that he was nervous about finally seeing B'Elanna. He knew that Harry would accept him without question; B'Elanna on the other hand was a different story.
She walked in, looking exhausted after trying to get Engineering back in order. She didn't seem surprised to see him, but nor was she jumping with joy.
He walked up to her, and instantly she eyed him.
"Hello, B'Elanna," he greeted.
Immediately, B'Elanna's eyes blazed with an intense fire, something that told Tom wasn't a good sign.
With no time to fathom why she seemed so angry, her fist came crashing into his face, and for the second time in two days, Tom fell to the floor.