Look After You Chapter Twenty-Three
This deliberately depressing chapter was written whilst listening to For Blue Skies by Strays Don't Sleep and My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, on repeat :D Based on the episode Deadlock, with a couple of lines from an extremely pivotal P/T episode. Thanks to Pepper for the beta.
***
As strong as you were, tender you go. I'm watching you breathing, for the last time. A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means, and I'll carry you home," James Blunt, Carry You Home
***
"So, I take it B'Elanna's mad at me," Tom said the next evening as he and Harry sat in Sandrine's.
"That's an understatement," Harry replied. "But if it's any consolation, you're only the second person she's ever got so angry at that she broke their jaw. Onboard anyway."
Tom thought about this. "It's not," he decided. He took a sip of his beer. "Harry, you know that if I could have told you both, I would have, right?"
Harry shrugged. "Truth be told, Tom, I don't really understand any of this. You were given this mission, right? In order to flush out the spy. The Captain ordered you to act in a certain way, in order to make people think you were unhappy, and that meant isolating yourself from the rest of us. But you never told us..."
"I was ordered not to, Har. I wanted to tell you guys-you have no idea how much. In fact, so many times I came close to it."
Harry nodded, and then frowned. "You had to do this for two months? That's a long time to keep something like that up. It must have been awful."
"Now that's an understatement."
"I got to say, Tom, I admire you. I don't think I could have handled that kind of pressure."
"I have no idea how I got through it. I'm just sorry you had to see me like that."
"Hey, at least I still believed in you, right? Besides, I was there when you played one of those computer games for two days straight and became borderline psychotic. There's no side of you that surprises me anymore."
Tom raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"
"Probably best if you don't test that theory."
Tom grinned. "So, do you think that B'Elanna will stop being mad at me anytime soon?"
"I don't know, Tom. She's pretty angry. It's probably best if you give her some space, and let her come round in her own time."
"I guess you're right." Tom let out a sigh. "But I hate being the cause of her anger."
***
When Tom first met B'Elanna, she didn't even so much as blink at any of the passes he made at her. In fact, the passes seemed to rile her up, and Tom enjoyed aggravating her, just so he could get a response from her. Her rejection piqued his interest; in the many women he had pursued following the death of Odile- and there had been many- never had he met a woman who was as unyielding as B'Elanna was. He'd fantasised about getting her into bed, and if he'd stumbled across her in a bar, he sure would have worked to achieve that goal. However, he hadn't been in a bar; he'd been under Chakotay's rule, and Tom wasn't going to do anything more than piss off everyone onboard. Tom also couldn't deny that running parallel with his attraction to B'Elanna, was the need for her respect. The disrespect and low expectations shining in her eyes, was almost another challenge on its own. But Tom had a facade to maintain, and letting his shield down to let someone in was not part of the plan. He'd almost been tempted to change his mind when he saved her. The vulnerable and somewhat child-like look she'd given him after she regained consciousness, had made his heart clench, and for a man who had gone for so long without feeling anything but numbness, that had been a revelation. Before he could get the chance to act upon it, he'd been captured by Starfleet on his first Maquis mission, never getting the opportunity to tell her that he had gone to get help for her.
His time in prison gave him time to quell these feelings, believing that he would meet B'Elanna again. Seven months later, the Captain had come to him, offering him the chance to change his life, and feeling like a caged bird that hadn't been able to fly in so long, he'd taken it. Meeting B'Elanna had been a surprise, but immediately he treated her differently. He needed to prove to her that he wasn't the person she'd previously met, and he had treated her with nothing but respect. There was no riling, no jokingly telling her how to do her job, and certainly no flirting. He wanted her to see him the way he saw her: driven, focused and brilliant. Her calling him a pig had ruffled his feathers, so to speak, and he'd realized he still had a long way to go. Though he had suppressed all desires for her, that need for her to respect him had been incredibly important. Even now, her opinion of him was valued, and he hated her feeling this way towards him.
B'Elanna's behaviour wasn't unexpected, and he knew that he had to make it up to her. At first, he'd given her space, and after a week, he tried to talk to her. She'd rebuffed him, of course -B'Elanna could be incredibly stubborn when she chose to be. When he had realized that near-ambushes weren't going to work, he attempted to be cordial. He'd come up to her and say hello and tried to attempt small talk. Initially, she hadn't responded, but he kept trying. Finally, she had acquiesced, and had begun to respond back. They'd got to the point where she'd allow him in her company, and though she only muttered a string of sentences, he settled for that. He knew that he had to build things up slowly. When they got to the stage where she'd finally feel comfortable with him, he'd properly explain himself and apologize, as he knew that she wouldn't accept anything if it was too soon.
***
It had been almost four weeks since Tom had returned from his mission, and he found that he fitted back in seamlessly, with the time flying by. Jobs on Voyager had occupied his time, and there was always something to do, so he was glad that no distractions came on the most anticipated day of the year: Ensign Wildman's due date.
Sam had been waddling around Voyager for the last few weeks, and Tom had actually been concerned that at any moment she would burst. Luckily, that hadn't been the case, but Sam was starting to get tired of everyone's over-concern for her, and had almost decked Ayala the other day for being too protective. But then, Sam did carry the honour of being the first person to have a baby onboard, and it had been a long time since the crew had encountered anything that resembled a child. Apart from himself, of course. Oh, and the Captain. And now that Sam had been wandering around like she was going to pop at any moment, the crew had been eagerly waiting with baited breath. Tom, too, found himself waiting with anticipation. He was not in anyway the type to coo over babies, but he was looking forward to this. He'd never really watched a woman go through the stages of pregnancy, having either been too drunk in a random bar or in prison when his oldest sister had given birth to her two children, so it would be nice to see the end result that came from carrying a baby for so long.
Tom stretched out his arms as he sat languidly from his position at the conn, and let out a frustrated sigh.
"This is ridiculous!" he cried. "How long does it take to deliver a baby?"
"As long as it takes, Mr Paris," the Captain had replied rather shrewdly.
He sighed again, glad that he was neither a pregnant woman nor an expectant father. This waiting thing wasn't exactly fun. He tuned out the conversation of the others as he thought about babies, and that line of thought had drifted to his niece and nephew, whom he never gave the chance to know. Maybe if they ever returned back home, he'd try to make amends with his family, and get to know the children. He wouldn't be the greatest uncle, that he knew, but he could be the coolest...
Tuvok's voice brought him back to the Delta Quadrant.
"Captain, long range sensors are detecting heavy subspace communications ahead."
"All stop," the Captain commanded. "Ships?"
"Twenty. I'm also detecting a G-type star system with two inhabited planets. Life signs: Vidiian."
Tom's heart went cold at the mention of Vidiians.
"Sounds like we're heading right into their territory," Chakotay mused.
"And I'm in no mood to donate any organs today. Options, Mr Paris?"
Tom leapt up into a sitting position. "There's a large plasma drift bearing 4-0-mark-7," he reported. "It extends to almost half the length of this sector. Interference from the plasma should block us from their sensors."
"Lay in a course for full impulse," Janeway instructed.
***
The day begun to unfold like a wall crumbling down. It was as if they had no grasp of the situation and everything was beyond their control.
In Engineering, B'Elanna was having trouble trying to keep on top of things. First: the ship had lost its main power, and her team were struggling to compensate. Second: their anti-matter supply was being drained at a rapid rate, and she had no clue as to why.
As a way to cope, the Captain had suggested firing proton bursts at the warp core. But before they even had the chance to do so, they themselves were struck by proton bursts, sending Voyager into chaos.
***
Harry looked around him; the beeping of alarms and flashing lights bought a dire warning. He felt his heart beating at a rapid rate and knew there would be more bad things to come. He knew that the ship had been through a lot, far more than the average Starfleet ship in the Alpha Quadrant could ever expect to encounter. But they had never been in such a perilous situation before, with a fleet of Vidiians out of reach and unexpected proton bursts rendering the ship defenceless.
He watched as the Captain struggled to give orders, and tried to find his voice.
"Captain," he called out, and watched as she slowly came over. "I've been working on a way to enhance our portable force field generators. It might be enough to seal that breach."
She'd looked at him as if he was a godsend, and Harry momentarily felt proud.
When things went from bad to worse, the fear would come later.
***
Kes watched in horror as the birth of Samantha Wildman's baby went terribly wrong. It should have been a relatively simple procedure. The baby's exo-cranial ridges getting lodged in Sam's uterine wall had been a hiccup, but was something that could be rectified. The Doctor had instructed using a fetal transporter, which initially had been successful. But then Voyager had been struck and they had lost power. It was terribly ironic situation; had it been a normal day on Voyager, there would have been no resulting problems. But the one day they needed a normal day, disaster had descended. Kes and the Doctor had battled to maintain the baby's health, but she succumbed to hemocythemia and died.
There were no words that Kes could say to Sam to make her feel better. Sam had carried the baby for over a year, and it had been the one constant reminder of the husband so far away. Today should have been the greatest day of her life, and a cause for celebration. But instead, Sam sat in shock, so desperately trying to grasp hold of the situation. In an instant, Sam had lost not only her baby, but the very reason to keep on going.
There was no way to stop the pain; no way to turn back time.
The day everyone had been looking forward to for so long was quickly becoming the worst day on Voyager, and Kes feared it might even be their last.
***
Numbly, B'Elanna followed Harry along the Jeffries Tube. She really hoped that Harry's plan worked, but honestly, she had no idea if it would.
"Here it is, the breach is directly below us," Harry informed her, as he stepped down the ladder.
"Make it fast, Harry. Torres to Hogan, what's your status?"
"Almost got it, lieutenant," his voice reported. "I'm re-routing all power in this section to your-,"
There was a sound of an explosion, a sound which B'Elanna really didn't like.
"Torres to Hogan. Are you there?"
"I'm hurt," he replied.
B'Elanna sighed in frustration. Why was nothing going right today? "Harry, we need to help him," she called down to him.
"Just give me a minute," he called back.
She looked on nervously. There was something so very wrong about this situation, and she would have preferred it if Harry had not chosen to try out this risky procedure.
"The breach is widening," she warned him. "Let's get out of here."
No response. B'Elanna started to get edgy.
"Damn it, Harry! Let's go."
In that patient voice of his, he replied back, "Hold on, my minute isn't up yet."
She could only watch in horror as the panel beneath Harry collapsed and he fell through. He managed to grab hold of a ladder rung, but he was struggling to hold on.
Desperately, she stepped down the ladder rung. "Harry, grab my hand!" she cried out to him.
With tremendous effort, he reached out for her hand, and for a fleeting moment she thought she had him. Trying to garner the strength to bring him back up, his grip on hers suddenly loosened, and just like that he fell through.
"Harry!" she screamed, as she watched him fall, a look of pure terror etched on his face.
She couldn't get him back, had no way of helping him.
There was no way he could have survived the fall.
B'Elanna gave out a choked sob.
Harry had just fallen through the breach.
Harry had just died.
And she hadn't been able to stop him.
***
Tom's gaze was fixated on B'Elanna, as she, the Captain, Harry and Chakotay talked.
"So I ran a multi-spectral analysis on the sub-space turbulence. It was more than just turbulence, it was some kind of divergence field and the moment we passed through it all of our sensor readings doubled! Mass, energy output, bio-signatures - everything. Every single particle of matter seems to have been duplicated in that instant."
At this moment, B'Elanna risked a glance at Tom, who had been listening with rapt attention from his position at conn. Their gazes locked, and B'Elanna couldn't help but smile at the awed look on his face. It was a pretty fascinating concept; two Voyagers existing at precisely the same moment and the same place. Somewhere out there, there was another Tom and B'Elanna. She had to admit, she hadn't been able to think of anything crazier.
***
Kes couldn't look at this Sam and her baby, without the terrible flashbacks of the other baby dying. She didn't really understand the situation and how there were two Voyagers. And though seeing a healthy mother and daughter was a lovely feeling, in a way it was a cruel taunt of everything that had gone wrong on her own ship. She didn't belong here, on this ship with their perfect outcome, and seeing how things could have been, she didn't think she could go back to her Voyager and ever properly adjust.
***
B'Elanna was broken and beaten, and mentally and physically drained. She was covered in dirt and her clothes were in tatters, and she felt so tired that she could cry. There was a numbness within her that she didn't have time to identify. All she could focus on was getting Voyager back on track.
Tom was in Engineering too, trying to help out where he could, seeing as he couldn't exactly fly the ship. Every now and then, the two would exchange glances, each trying to find some kind of consolation and found none.
A screeching noise brought her back to reality.
It seemed like someone was trying to contact them, and B'Elanna frantically tried to adjust the modulating frequencies.
What resulted, stunned the surrounding crew into silence.
"Captain, this isn't an illusion," began the voice - of another Captain Janeway. "What you are seeing is real, but is going to take some explaining..."
B'Elanna watched as the other Captain came onboard. It was a strange experience seeing two Janeways, but it seemed completely natural.
B'Elanna wasn't stupid. She knew that the two Voyagers were draining their anti-matter supply, and that they didn't have a lot of options to consider. It seemed logical to assume that for either of them to have a chance; one of them had to go. And theirs was the ship that was weakest.
***
It was weird seeing another version of himself.
Tom watched from his position at the conn., the other Tom Paris working in the background of Engineering. This Tom was a lot scruffier than he preferred himself to be, and looked like he had been dragged through hell and back.
"Captain, we've got a perimeter alert. A vessel is approaching bearing 0-0-5-mark-3-1-8. They've just dropped out of warp," came his counterpart's voice. Tom winced. Did he really sound like that? In his head, his voice was always more low-pitched. However, he did notice that there was a gruff tone in his voice, and he knew that he only spoke like that if something was upsetting him. Tom wondered what it could be.
"Can you identify them?" the other Chakotay asked.
"They're Vidiian, sir," the other Tom replied.
"Red alert," his Captain commanded.
The other Captain turned to them. "Captain, we're picking up a Vidiian ship, heading this way. Can you see them, too?"
"Yes."
"Do you have any weapons?"
"Standby." The Captain turned to Tuvok. "Tuvok?"
"Negative, Captain. We had to re-route power to compensate for the anti-matter lost. It would take several hours to bring weapons back online."
Tom gulped. This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all.
***
B'Elanna waited with baited breath.
It was another cruel twist of fate. Neither ship stood a chance against the Vidiians; but hers was more at risk. Only moments ago, they were the ones who were most likely to go, and now the pendulum was swinging, and yet again their lives were held shrouded in uncertainty.
It was the longest minute of her life. B'Elanna waited, and waited, so sure that the Vidiians would come to them.
There was a sudden thudding noise, except it wasn't from their ship...
***
Tom lurched forward as the unmistakeable sound of their ship being clamped rung out.
The Vidiians were on their ship.
He tried to quell the panic welling through him. The presence of the Vidiians brought back all the terrible memories of the incident he'd spent the better part of the year trying to forget. He'd hoped to never meet a Vidiian such as them again, and yet here they were, taking over their ship.
***
B'Elanna had been using the Jeffries Tubes to attempt to get to the Bridge, when the Vidiian ship had landed on top of theirs. Feeling that she wouldn't be safe trying to get to her destination, she climbed out of the tubes, and onto deck eight. Stumbling into Astrometrics, she felt dismayed when she found no one to be there.
She tried to control the terror threatening to surge through her veins.
The Vidiians were coming.
The Vidiians were here.
***
Harry tried to compose himself. The Captain had just ordered him to leave the ship, and take the baby with him.
There was no time to think, no time to process the order.
He didn't want to leave his friends behind to suffer this fate, and felt like he should be there with them until the end.
But it wasn't his decision to make.
He tried to figure out the safest route to get the baby and then get them out of there, desperately trying not to feel scared.
Getting out wasn't going to be easy, and he didn't think he stood a chance.
***
Tom ran out of the Bridge, with a phaser in his hand, attempting to head to Deck Five. The Captain had ordered him and a group of others to try and fend off the Vidiians. They all knew the gesture was futile, but it didn't stop them from trying.
He started to follow his comrades when he remembered something.
"B'Elanna," he murmured.
B'Elanna. Where was B'Elanna?
***
She promised herself that she would never be rendered weak and scared again. She thought she was getting over the Vidiians, but that was before they invaded their ship with the same purpose they had when she had first encountered them. And just like that, she was that pile of nerves and cowardice she had been when she was human.
The hands she was frantically trying to stop from shaking held a phaser, and she crouched down and found a position that meant that anyone stepping into Astrometrics would have difficulty locating her, but not her them.
Her combadge beeped.
"B'Elanna?" came Tom's voice.
"Tom!" she cried out. She'd never felt so glad to hear his voice.
"B'Elanna! Where are you?" he sounded out of breath, as if he were running.
"I'm in Astrometrics, trying to hide."
"Good, stay there B'Elanna."
"Tom, where are you?"
"I'm on Deck Two. The Captain ordered some of us to fend the Vidiians off. They boarded on Deck Five. But I want to get to you-,"
"That's a foolish idea, Tom," she said, softly cutting him off. "They'll intercept you."
"It doesn't matter. They'll kill us and take our organs, but if they find out who you are, they'll take you. And I promised I wouldn't let that happen, remember? And now they're here-,"
"And it won't make a difference if you find me or not, Tom," she finished for him. "We don't have the resources to stop them. Either way, they'll get us." She swallowed. "How many are there?"
"At least a ship full," he replied honestly. "And more to come."
"We don't stand a chance," she whispered. She closed her eyes. This was her worst nightmare, and the notion that even if she could find the strength to fight them, it would be pointless, wasn't helping.
"I know, B'Elanna. But I don't want to leave you."
"Go somewhere and hide, Tom," she instructed. "And just talk to me."
Tom headed for the Mess Hall, which was empty.
He headed in the direction of Neelix's kitchen, and hid behind the workbench, leaning his head against it.
"I'm in the Mess Hall," he announced.
"Good," B'Elanna replied. "Tom?"
"Yes?"
"The Captain, she's put the ship on self-destruct, hasn't she?"
Tom hesitated. "I don't know. She hadn't when I left, but it looked like she might."
"I thought she would. I got the impression that it was what the other Captain was going to do." She paused for a moment. "Tom?"
"Yes?"
"Are you scared?"
"Of what?"
"Dying."
He gave out a dry laugh. "Really, I should be a pro at this now. But I am. Scared, I mean."
"Me too. I bet you didn't think it would come to this," B'Elanna mused out loud.
"Not in a million years."
"There are so many things that I wanted to do, and now-,"
"The other B'Elanna on the other ship is going to realize them, and she's going to live them."
"But it doesn't feel like she's me."
"I know. But I assure you she is."
There was a moment's silence as the two of them listened to the heavy sound of each other's breathing. B'Elanna wished that Tom was beside her, but hearing him like this was a comfort nonetheless.
"Tom, I'm sorry for the way I've acted the last few weeks. If I'd known we didn't have much time left, I wouldn't have-,"
"It doesn't matter, B'Elanna. And anyway, I'm the one who should be sorry."
"No, really-,"B'Elanna stopped and smiled. "We could be at this all day."
Tom found himself smiling too.
"Tom?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're the last person I got the chance of speaking to."
"Me too, B'Elanna." Tom closed his eyes. "Isn't it strange how we only truly realize something at the worst possible moment?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've finally figured why it all matters so much."
"What matters so much?"
"You. Your opinion of me. Your feelings. Making you laugh. Making you angry… Everything about you."
B'Elanna's already speeding heart was sent into over-drive. "Why?"
"Because I love you."
B'Elanna didn't say anything for a moment, not quite believing what he said. She never thought she'd hear those words. And now that she had, it felt like the greatest thing in the galaxy, except there was nothing she could do about it. "You picked a great time to tell me," she said finally.
Tom let out a choked laugh.
A sudden noise caught B'Elanna's attention.
"Tom, I can hear footsteps. I think someone's coming."
A scratching noise came at the Mess Hall too. "I think someone's coming here, too." Tom stood up. "I guess we should face the music."
"I guess so."
B'Elanna stood up and out from her hiding position. She wasn't scared anymore. Tom gave her no reason to be scared. She held her phaser out. It didn't matter if the ship was going to blow up at any moment; she wouldn't give the Vidiians even a moment's thought of thinking they had her.
There was only one thing she had left to do. "Tom?"
"B'Elanna?"
"I lo-,"
She never got to finish her sentence.
At that moment the doors opened and a Vidiian stepped through. She fired her phaser at the exact time he fired his. Hers hit, but his was more powerful, and she immediately fell to the floor.
The last thing she was aware of, was Tom screaming her name.
A few Vidiians stepped into the Mess Hall a moment later, but before Tom got a chance to fire at them, a blinding light tore through the ship.
And the only thing that remained of that Voyager, was a trail of debris.