Look After You- Chapter Twenty-Six
A/N: Thanks to Pepper for the beta. References to Resolutions.
***
It had been a long time since the mood onboard Voyager had been this dour. The first time, they had just been stranded in the Delta Quadrant, with the chance of ever returning home questionable at best. Starfleet and Maquis had been forced to meld, and for some people, that alliance had been as optimistic as sticking a feral dog and cat in a room and hoping that they'd become friends. More than a year and a half later, the two crews were more like a family than former enemies, and their matching depressive dispositions sought to bring them closer together.
Voyager had suddenly had to deal with the loss of two of its important members: Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay.
For many, the loss was not only that of their leaders, but of a friend and a parental figure.
And Tom was no exception.
Despite his dubious feelings towards the Captain after choosing to give him that mission, the last thing he ever wanted was to see her leave Voyager. His relationship with her was on the mend; the duplication of Voyager had helped restore his faith in her, though a slight lingering of doubt remained. Her conscious decision to abandon Voyager in the interest of the health of the crew was extremely noble and very Janeway, but not what he-or anyone else for that matter- would have wanted. Janeway was Voyager's beacon, the person everyone looked to for direction, and who never lost sight of their mission to get home. So strong was her intention that Tom never doubted for a moment that they would get home, even if it were some time later. With her gone, their aim seemed directionless somehow, like a herd of sheep with no shepherd to lead them.
Likewise, the loss of Chakotay was hitting the crew hard. Many saw him as their softly spoken boss, who always had a moment to listen to people seeking advice or solace. The immediate friendship of the Captain and him had acted as an impetus for the rest of the crew to follow suit, and they had.
Leaving them behind on a planet felt like the worst scenario of abandonment, but the Captain had ordered it, and Tom knew better than anyone not to question her decisions.
Walking along the corridors, he headed towards someone he knew would be feeling just as unsettled as he was.
Pressing on the buzzer, he heard a quiet, "Come in" and he stepped into the quarters.
He found B'Elanna sitting on her couch, with her knees drawn up and a blanket over her legs.
"Tom," she greeted in surprise.
"Hi," he greeted. "I thought I'd come and see how you're doing." He walked over to the sofa adjacent to hers and sat down on it. "This place is looking a lot tidier than the last time I saw it," he mused, referring to the time when he'd practically carried her to her quarters after she'd fallen asleep on him at the party. It had been the first time he had ever seen her place, and he was surprised at how untidy it was.
"It'll be back to its original state within a day or two," she assured him in a glum voice.
He gave her a small smile. "How are you holding up?"
She shrugged. "I miss them already."
"Me too."
"I never thought I'd see the day where Tuvok became captain," she mused.
"I never hoped to," Tom added.
"If Tuvok's captain, I guess that makes you First Officer."
Tom snorted. "My father would have loved that."
B'Elanna looked at him curiously. "How do you feel about it?"
It was Tom's turn to shrug. "I never wanted to be a First Officer or a Captain, or anything like that, especially not under these circumstances, and especially since…" his voice trailed off.
"Since…?" she probed.
He shifted in his seat, reluctant to talk about it. "I just…ever since…acting as a decoy, I haven't wanted to do anything like that, you know?"
She shook her head in confusion.
"I can't handle any kind of responsibility right now," he elaborated. "I just can't."
His eyes had darkened and held a hardened, resolute edge to it. B'Elanna had to admit that she was slightly surprised; just like any other mishap or perilous situation Tom had encountered, she expected him to bounce back with the same efficacy and unflappable attitude he had always shown. It never occurred to her that even now, some good few weeks later, Tom would still be reeling from that mission. Although she hadn't forgotten it herself, she had been able to let it go.
"I hope that means you don't expect me to take over your position," she said, trying to make light of the situation. "Because there's no way in hell that I'm becoming First Officer."
"But it's okay for me to be one?" he teased.
"Well, your seat is practically in front of the Commander's. You wouldn't have to move far. And besides, pilot to First Officer seems like a logical transition."
Tom looked mildly offended by this. "My piloting is far better than Chakotay's!"
"That's not hard," she mused.
He grinned.
B'Elanna's eyes suddenly clouded over in memory. "You know," she began wistfully, "the first time I met Chakotay, he rescued me from a Cardassian, and that was the day I joined the Maquis. I never expected to join the Maquis; I didn't have a reason worth fighting for and I didn't have any causes to believe in. But it was almost like my whole life I'd been waiting for someone like Chakotay- waiting for something to believe in, and he gave me that. I never found him; he found me, and if it weren't for him, I'd be lying dead on a cargo ship. I'm incredibly grateful to him."
Tom noted the strong intensity in her eyes; saw the immense gratitude for Chakotay there. Part of him was a little envious that in her eyes, Chakotay was infallible.
"I can't leave him behind," she carried on. "After everything we've been through, how could I? And what of the Captain? It's not right to just leave them, Tom."
"I know, B'Elanna. But we have orders, remember?"
"But that doesn't mean we have to follow them."
B'Elanna had no idea how important it was that he did so.
***
Tom's mind was a mass of contradictions. On one hand, he wanted to get the Captain and the Commander back; on the other, he didn't want to disobey an order. Ever since his mission, acting by the book had become very important to him, as if he was making up for the two months of disruptive behaviour. He found that he couldn't bring himself to take a risk –in anything- just in case he put his life or anybody else's in danger, and that was something that had never happened to him before. Staying in line also gave less of a chance of him falling out of grace again, and his choice in doing so gave him a sense of control. And control was something he hadn't had in a while.
Although the Captain hadn't asked him, it seemed like Tom was the unofficial First Officer. It was a position that Tom didn't exactly relish. The responsibility was almost like a burden, and the position yet again threw him under the spotlight. Nonetheless, Tom tried his best at it. He wasn't exactly First Officer material; staff rotas, ship maintenances and daily individual staff meetings were hardly his idea of fun. But someone had to do it, and that someone was him. It was almost tempting to somehow fob the position onto Harry, since Harry would have lovedthe power trip. But Harry loved the Captain and Chakotay more, and finding a way to bring them back seemed to be his only goal at the moment. Tom somewhat admired Harry's persistence and loyalty, and had no doubt that Harry would find a way to get them back.
Only, when he did find a way, it wasn't exactly the type of plan Tom agreed with.
***
The next day, Tom yet again went to visit B'Elanna, and wondered whether this was going to become a habit. He'd been so used to B'Elanna visiting him or Harry, that going to see her was strange. With Harry preoccupied with his reclamation mission and B'Elanna distracted by Chakotay's absence, it was up to Tom to be the one to find them.
He found her sitting on her couch again, with the same blanket draped over her. Were it not for the fact that he'd seen her today when he'd gone to Engineering, he would have sworn that she hadn't moved from her spot since he'd left her quarters. There was a concentrated look on her face, and she looked conflicted.
"Hey," he greeted softly.
She smiled, although it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Hi," she said.
"How's it going?" he asked.
She shrugged and began tracing patterns on the arm of the couch. "Just thinking about Harry and some things he said."
He took his usual spot in the arm chair. "Ah, one of Harry's cunning plans?"
"Something like that. You know, he actually came up to me today and asked what the Maquis think of the Captain and Chakotay leaving, as if this after how long we've been stranded here, we still think of ourselves as two separate crews! The loss of both them is equally devastating to all of us."
Tom smiled shrewdly. "You know what Harry's like. Once he gets hold of an idea, he tends to forget the minor details." Tom sighed. "Harry almost had a bust-up with Tuvok on the Bridge today. Did you hear about it?"
"Fleeting rumours. Our Harry is becoming quite the rebel."
"Quite. It seems like he has this crazy idea about getting in contact with the Vidiians and asking them for help." He laughed in amusement.
B'Elanna didn't return the laugh, nor did she say anything and Tom frowned.
"Wait, do you agree with him?" he asked.
B'Elanna nodded slowly. "I think it's a good idea and I've told Harry that I'd help him in any way I can."
He gave her an incredulous look. "Meaning?"
She gave him a look to overthrow his harsh one. "Meaning I'm willing to give my DNA as a trade-off."
Tom's jaw dropped. "But B'Elanna, the idea is ridiculous!"
B'Elanna stood up, and her blanket fell to the floor. "Ridiculous?" she looked slightly outraged by his accusation.
Tom stood up to face her. "Yes! The Captain ordered us not to get in contact with them for a reason. In case you're forgetting, the last time we came in contact with them, their idea of 'hello' was to snatch the organs of our counter-parts!"
She looked at him, slightly perplexed at his suddenly sour disposition. "Do you think I'd forget about that even for a moment?" she demanded. "Do you think that I'd forget about anything the Vidiians have done to us?"
He deflated slightly. "Of course not. But, B'Elanna, they're dangerous; and we'd be foolish to believe that they'd help us."
"Not all Vidiians are dangerous, Tom! Look at Denara. She helped us."
"That was different!"
"How?"
"Because she's a woman!"
B'Elanna frowned. "What's that got to do with anything?"
Tom sighed. "B'Elanna, it's no coincidence that all the Vidiians we've encountered gunning for our organs have been male, and I think that they're a lot less compassionate than the women."
"That's a pretty big generalization to make."
Tom shrugged. "It could be true. And I'm going to hazard a guess and say that the Vidiians on the other ships are mostly male and going to be a little less sympathetic to our cause."
"Considering the fact that I potentially hold the cure to the disease that has been blighting their lives, I think they might consider this offer."
"It might take a while before they find a way for them to utilise your DNA so that it offers a long-lasting cure. Our organs offer an immediate if not permanent solution to help their suffering."
"As does my DNA!"
"B'Elanna, these people have been using other people's organs for years. I don't think they're suddenly going to embrace something that is completely new to them."
"I'm willing to take that risk!" she yelled. "Tom, our friends are stuck on a planet, inflicted with a disease we cannot cure. We may have to leave them behind, alone on a planet, or on some futile shuttle going so slow that by the time they reach Earth, it may not even be there by the time they get back! I do not want to get home, knowing that Chakotay and the Captain are out there, lost somewhere in the galaxy, when we could have helped them!"
"Don't you think that I want them back too? I'd do anything to get them back, B'Elanna. But not at the risk of your life, or anyone onboard for that matter! There has to be another way!"
"There is none, Tom!"
"I don't want you to risk doing this-,"
"It's not your decision to make!" she cried.
The two of them stood inches away from each other, anger emanating from both of them. The two of them held each other's gazes, neither one prepared to drop theirs first.
Tom's jaw tightened. "I think you're making a mistake," he said finally.
B'Elanna's gaze hardened. "The last time I had to make a decision like this, you weren't exactly there to help, Tom. So forgive me for not wanting to do things your way."
Tom's fists clenched at his side. "B'Elanna, that's not fair," he said quietly, hating that inability to help B'Elanna in her time of need, was being thrown back in his face.
"What's not fair is that we're leaving the Captain and Chakotay behind!" B'Elanna swallowed and took a breath. "The Tom Paris I know would never be afraid to take a risk to help the people he cared about."
His gaze dropped, and he looked at the floor briefly, before looking back up at her; eyes burning with a quiet fury. "I'm sorry that I can't be that person," he said in a low, steely voice, then turned around to walk out of the door.
Letting him go, B'Elanna closed her eyes and sat down on the couch.
What have I done? she thought.
***
From her position at her console on the Bridge, B'Elanna stole a look at Tom. He was flying the ship with his usual ease, but she could see the tension gathered in his shoulders. She sighed. Tom seemed to be avoiding her at the moment, but with the harsh words they'd both exchanged, she wasn't surprised. She understood where Tom was coming from- contacting the Vidiians would have been a huge risk. But one look at Denara, and seeing how different she looked from the holographic woman she'd grown accustomed to seeing, she knew she had to do it and shifting her gaze to the Captain and Chakotay, she felt like she'd made the right choice. It was extremely good to have them back.
The two of them seemed to settle back into their commanding roles with little trouble, although B'Elanna couldn't help but notice that they both carried resolute expressions on their faces, with both avoiding to look at one another. For a moment, she wondered if something had happened to the two of them on the planet. It had been no secret to B'Elanna that Chakotay was attracted to the Captain. Given his recent ordeal with Seska, she knew that he'd do all his best not to let it show, but she knew him well enough to know that to her at least, he wasn't doing a very good job at it. She also knew that Chakotay would never tell the Captain how he felt, at least not in these settings, maybe a little out of fear. The two of them had that in common.
Letting out a sigh, she kept her gaze fixed on the couple. It didn't take a scientist to work out that two people stuck alone on a planet, would be drawn together. And if the two were already attracted to each other, then that process would be accelerated. She wondered briefly, what it would have been like had it been she and Tom stuck on the planet, permanently. If she hadn't killed him by the first day, would she have been able to find out whether he could feel the same way about her, as she did him? On that planet, they'd been no Susan. No Jenny, no Meg, no Alison- no other woman to vie for his attentions. There'd be no ship politics to interfere with them, no rules or regulations shoved in their faces. They'd be free to be themselves, left together on a planet, with only space and time ahead of them. Surely along the way, she'd gather the courage to tell him how she felt? If, by slight possibility, he felt the same way, then there'd be nothing in their way. And if he said no, she'd go some place on the planet and avoid him for the rest of her life, or at least, until solitude became unbearable. But the two of them weren't on a planet; they were onboard Voyager, surrounded by so many confusing thoughts and feelings, with the added complication of their quarrel standing in their way.
***
When Tom got a moment, he turned to look at B'Elanna, and found her looking longingly in the direction of Chakotay and the Captain. A pang of envy shot through him. She must be really glad that Chakotay's back, he thought.
Tom thought about the argument they had. Was he wrong in not supporting B'Elanna's decision? Although having the Captain and First Officer back was of incredible importance to him, any situation that involved interacting with Vidiians was not. B'Elanna's safety was of the utmost importance to him, and though the Vidiians might not have kidnapped her for her organs, they might have found a way to harm her for other methods.
The Tom Paris I know would never be afraid to take a risk to help the people he cared about.
Her voice resounded in his head. But she was wrong. He was scared, and he hated feeing like such a coward.