The wind whips around the car as the Winchester brothers drive. The youngest, Sam, looks out the window at the passing trees, taking in the snow falling steady as they travel. The oldest Winchester, Dean, watches the road as he drives, a sad and serious look on his face. Sam sighs and tries to engage Dean back into conversation.
"I know it sucks Dean, how are we going to get him to come home?"
"Sam, I don't want to talk about it." Dean stresses. He is tired. It seems like he is always tired and no amount of sleep helps, not that he has been sleeping much.
It has been over two months since he has seen Cas. It is killing him inside. He knows where he is, that is the only thing keeping Dean from freaking out.
"Did you tell him how you feel Dean?" Sam asks softly, not wanting to upset Dean anymore than he already is. Dean isn't one for these chick flick moments, but Sam knows he is slowly falling apart.
Dean glances from the road and looks at his brother. He sees the worry written all over Sam's face. He sighs," I don't know what I am supposed to say. He knows I need him. I've told him that. He wanted to be on his own."
"Did you ever tell him that you love him?"
"I've never told anyone that Sam." Dean answers quickly. He isn't even going to deny it. It really isn't worth it any more. Who the hell is he even trying to fool. It seems he was the last to figure it out in the first place.
"Maybe it's time to start Dean."
"The Winchester family isn't real good with that shit Sam." Dean leans over and turns the radio on and lets the music end the conversation.
XXXXXXXX
A few hours later the brothers pull into a motel. It is getting late and it is cold and miserable outside.
"Stay here and I will go get the room. No sense in both of us getting wet and cold. Be right back." Sam says as he closes the door behind him.
Dean watches his brother enter the office. The girl behind the counter gives Sam a smile that lights up the room. Dean giggles to himself. Sam never lacks attention from the females. He watches Sam lean against the counter. Dean leans over and turns up the radio, knowing it is going to be a while until he gets into a room.
The music starts, Dean slides down in the seat, leans his head back, and closes his eyes, letting the song take over. Pink Floyd fills his senses.
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish,
how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Dean wipes the tears that have fallen from his eyes. He slowly pulls himself to sit up straight. He turns and sees Sam sitting back in his seat. How he didn't hear him get back into the car is beyond him. He is a hunter, he never lets anyone slide by him. This isn't how anyone sees him. He puts this chick shit deep inside. It is easier.
"How long would it take to get to him from here?" Sam asks Dean.
"What? Sam.."
"How long? I know you don't have to figure it out. You know."
"Three hours, two and a half if the weather clears and I speed a bit." Dean answers quickly.
"Go get him."
"Sam, I can't just go get him."
Sam turns and faces Dean. "Why the hell not? Look at you. You can't keep this up Dean. Please."
Dean goes to interrupt Sam, but Sam stops him, "No Dean. Stop. You could have everything you ever wanted. You can't throw it away. It isn't about his vessel anymore. You past that years ago, even if you never admitted it, never admit any of it. This is about having someone who can love you for you, no made up story to get laid, no lies to get the girl. You can wake up with him, fall asleep with him. You can make coffee and laugh together ,Dean, forever."
Dean just stares at Sam. He wants all that. He wants Cas to be with them, him.
"He might not want the same thing Sam. I'm not going to ruin the little I still have of him. He said he was doing well last I heard from him."
Sam sighs, "Let me tell you something Dean, Cas would never tell you no. He has loved you for years. He is not an angel anymore Dean, he won't leave you again. He will stay if you ask him"
"He is always going to be an angel Sam." Dean forces out between his teeth. "He deserves better than I could ever give him."
"Bullshit. You are afraid of it. Afraid if you love him and have him, he will up and leave you eventually, just be gone like everyone else you loved. He will never go by choice, even if we fix heaven, he won't leave. Go get him Dean."
Dean stares out the windshield. All the shit he stuffs deep feels like it is going to spew out of him. He feels like he is going to vomit feelings. It isn't a feeling he finds familiar or useful. His hands reach for his face, he rubs his eyes and looks at Sam, "I can't just leave you here."
"I got a room, and a cute girl who gets off at seven." Sam tilts his head toward the office with a big grin.
Dean bursts out laughing. He looks at his watch. It was 6:15 and he could be to Cas by a little after nine at the latest. Why was he stalling, he doesn't have anything to lose. He would either get Cas to be with them, or he would be right back where he was now. It really couldn't get worse for him.
"I'll try to be back by one. Leave a sock on the door if I need to get my own room." Dean smiles at Sam.
"Get your own room, I am sure I would be more comfortable." Sam chuckles.
Dean suddenly looks at Sam, "Dude, no one said anything like that. I'm going to go get him and bring him home. Don't start that crap."
Sam just shakes his head. "Dean, trying to talk to you about this is like pulling teeth. You can't be scared of him. Just get your own room, trust me. Tell him how you feel Dean. It is time." Sam swallows and sighs, "I would give anything to have someone."
With that, Sam gets out of the Impala and heads into his room. He doesn't even turn around before shutting the door.
Dean checks the gas gauge and sees he is almost full. He isn't going to stop and think about what the hell he is doing and the can of worms he is going to be opening. He doesn't have to spill everything, he will deal with that later, like he always says. He pulls out of the lot and heads to his best friend. It was time for Cas to come home.
XXXXXXXX
It takes Dean less than two and a half hours to get to Cas. His Baby never fails him when he needs her.
He sits and looks at the convenient store. He never thought about whether Cas would be working or not. Luck was on his side, he could see the angel through the window. Dean's heart speeds up. He wonders if this is a good idea. He realizes that it is a little late to question that now, he opens the door to head it.
The sound of the bells on the door echo loudly through out the store. Dean slowly wipes the snow from his feet on the mat. He looks up from his feet into bright blue eyes. His throat drys instantly and he can't think of what to say.
"Hello Dean."
Hearing Cas' voice brings him out of his frozen state. "Cas." Dean barely whispers. He just keeps looking at his angel. It had been too long since he had the chance to see him. The bright blue eyes seemed even more intense than ever before.
Dean takes his hand and traces a line down Cas' face, following his jaw line. Realizing what he has done he drops his hand. "Let's go home Cas. I need you to come home."
Cas shakes his head, "I am no longer helpful to you Dean. I am human and insignificant. I am no longer useful. I will get in the way." Cas replies, blue eyes fill.
"Cas, I don't care that you are no longer an angel. I don't care if you can't smite a demon, if your wings have been clipped. Dammit Cas."
"What use am I, Dean?"
Dean watches the unshed tears in his best friends eyes. The pit in his stomach begins to ache worse. He has let Cas sit here for months, never understanding how fucking important he really was.
"Castiel, You will forever be an angel, wings or not. You are more than your angel mojo. So much more. We are family Cas, family sticks together. Please come with me. Come home."
"Home?", Cas asks with a tilt of his head.
The move Cas makes is everything Dean has been waiting to see. He has missed Cas more than he could ever begin to tell him. "Yes Cas, home. With me. Come home to me. I need you."
"I have to work." Cas whispers, "Can we wait until ten to leave?"
Dean pulls Cas in and hugs him. He breathes a sigh of relief, Cas was coming back with him. "We can wait until ten. Let's get a cup of coffee and pack your stuff Cas."
XXXXXXXX
The car ride back to Sam is filled with idle chit chat and music. The weather is clear now, and they are making good time.
Dean can hardly remember the last time he laughed like this and felt this good. He looks over at Cas, watching him try to figure out which tape to put in the player next. Cas is relaxed and smiling. It takes everything Dean has to not just pull over and kiss the hell out of him. He laughs at himself, who would have thought? Then he remembers, everyone did and does. He actually laughs out loud.
Cas looks over at Dean as he hears the laughter. He smiles at Dean, wide and brilliant. "Is something funny, Dean?"
"I'm just happy you are here." Dean smiles over at Cas. He knew the rest of the ride would pass quickly.
XXXXXXXX
As Dean parks the Impala in the Motel parking lot his head lights shine on Sam's room, there bright as the sun, was a yellow sock on the door knob. "Son of a Bitch." Dean mumbles. He knew Sam had done that on purpose. He probably didn't even have a girl in there.
"Cas, I'm going to go get us a different room. Sam seems to have a late night date."
Cas tilts his head as he looks at the door knob, "I imagine that sock is a warning that he is busy."
Dean nods his head and heads over to the office. Sam was really pushing it. Dean wasn't sure if he was ready to tell Cas anything.
It takes less than five minutes for Dean to get back to the car. Cas is standing next to Baby with his duffle bag over his shoulder. Dean can hardly contain the excitement he feels at having Cas back. Finally, Dean feels complete again.
"Come on Cas, Lets go on in." Dean grabs the bag off Cas' shoulder. He walks quickly to the room next to Sam's. Dean opens the door and lets Cas enter first.
The room is freezing. Dean put Cas' bag down and walks to the heater, turning it up all the way. Heat slowly starts to crank out. "Give it a few and it will warm up."
"Could I take a shower? I would like to before we sleep. I have come to like the feeling of being clean before sleeping." Cas asks Dean.
"Sure Cas. You don't have to ask. Go shower."
Cas smiles shyly and heads to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. Dean can hear the water turn on and he can hear Cas singing a little. Dean doesn't recognize the song. Hearing that water running and hearing Cas in there brings a huge rush to Dean. He almost feels like he is dreaming. He hurries and changes into some sleep pants.
Two months have gone by since they last saw each other. There were the occasional phone calls Dean made so he would know Cas was ok, but he hadn't seen him. Every time Dean thinks the feelings he has for Cas will fade, they seem to just grow.
He thinks about everything Sam has said to him. Dean realized tonight that Cas doesn't know how important he is. Cas thinks being an angel and his mojo were the only thing Dean cared about. He is so wrong. Dean could care less if His wings are gone. Castiel will always be an angel in his eyes. It makes Dean sad to know Cas feels insufficient.
Cas walks out of the bathroom dressed in a tee shirt and sweatpants and sits down on one of the beds, flipping the tv on. Dean sees that Cas is wearing one of his old Metallica tees. Heat crawls up Dean's chest as he looks over at Cas. He wants to haul Cas up against him and kiss the hell out of those lips. He wants to know if Cas tastes like heaven. Dean has wondered about that for far too long. Sam is probably right, he needs to tell Cas how he feels. He should forget about the consequences and just do it, though losing Cas would kill him.
"Fuck it." Dean says, sitting next to Cas on the bed.
"What's the matter Dean?" Cas looks at him with confusion in his eyes.
Dean turns and faces Cas. He figures there is no time like the present, he has been hiding this shit deep for so long, it is time to spill it.
"Cas, you know what you mean to me, right?"
Cas looks at the floor, a slight sadness comes over his face. "We are family. You love me, like Sam." Cas closes his eyes, swallowing, "We are family." Cas looks back up at Dean with a small smile trying to hide sadness behind the words.
Dean knows in that moment, everything Sam said is true, Cas loves him. He loves Dean, and not in the same way he loves Sam. Castiel, Angel of the Lord, loves Dean, a lowly hunter.
"Cas, we are family, but you and I, we aren't like Sam and I."
Cas once again looks away. Dean reaches and grabs Cas' chin and pulls his face to look at him. "Cas, how I feel about you is very different then how I feel about Sam. I would do anything for both of you, that is true, but Cas, even you can't be that blind."
Confused eyes look at Dean. "I am not blind, Dean."
Dean realizes that maybe he isn't good with the whole words thing and he is screwing this up. He looks down at Cas' lips, then back to his eyes.
"Fuck it" He whispers again and pulls Cas closer and places his lips on his. He feels Cas freeze beneath him. Dean pulls away.
"Shit Cas, I am sorry, I thought..." His words are cut off as Cas pulls Dean back to him.
Their mouths crash together. Cas fists his hand into Dean shirt and drags him even closer, never letting his mouth go. Dean's hand finds the back of Cas' head and he deepens the kiss. They kiss each other like they are starving. Dean hears a moan and he doesn't know if it came from him or Cas.
Slowly they pull away from each other, Cas' hand still grabbing Dean's shirt, Deans hand still on the back of Cas' head. Their eyes lock on one another.
Dean smiles at Cas, "Do you understand now Cas?"
"I think that you have opened my eyes Dean, I am no longer blind." Cas smiles, his eyes bright and blue, "You have really wasted a lot of time, we could have been doing this."
Dean bursts out laughing. Things are easy with Cas. He can be himself and it is all ok. They may not agree all the time, make that often, but they are always there for each other.
"I thought you would want better than me." Dean whispers to Cas, leaning his forehead against Cas'.
"There is no one better, Dean. I have seen your soul, it is the brightest there is. You can't see how good you are, you deserve better than me."
Dean pulls back looking at Cas, trying to think of the right words to say, "Castiel, you are an angel of the Lord..." Cas tries to interrupt Dean, "Cas, shut up for a minute. You will always be an angel, wings or not, heaven or not. You have always done what you have thought was the best thing to do. You thought leaving me was the best thing to do."
"I could no longer offer you my strength or power. I had nothing left to give." Cas softly tells Dean.
"You don't need angel power Cas. You are still strong. I don't want you around because of what I can get from you. I want you because I need you. Just you. Stay with me. Please." Dean tightens his hand into the back of Cas' head, gripping his hair.
"I just needed you to want me to stay. I will always stay, if you want me."
"Forever." Dean tells him as his mouth captures Cas' again. Heaven doesn't begin to describe how Cas tastes. He is sunshine and life all wrapped around pleasure and love. Dean deepens the kiss, pulling Cas as close as he can. After a few minutes Dean leans back and smiles at Cas. Cas has puffy lips that are red from their kissing. Dean has never seen anything so sexy in his life. He is thankful that he will be allowed to get use to this. That even he is allowed to have something this fantastic in his life.
"Come on Cas, lets curl up and get some sleep. Tomorrow we will head home." Dean drags Cas up to the top of the bed and pulls back the covers. Both climb in and Dean pulls Cas to him, Cas resting his head against Deans chest.
"Dean, I am already home. You are home, where ever you are. With you, I am home"
Dean kisses the top of Cas' head. " I love you, Cas."
"I love you, Dean Winchester. Forever."