18 December 2014
He woke up to a loud banging noise. What was it? He thought to himself. He crept out of bed and looked out the window, but couldn't see anything. The street looked empty and quiet. He opened the door to check if anyone was there. No-one. The door to the bathroom was ajar and nothing but the rhythmic breaths of sleeping people could be heard from the other bedrooms. He returned to his room and checked Matthew's bed. Sleeping like an angel. John Paul felt his love for this little fella surge through his entire being as he pulled the duvet up to his shoulders. As he went back to bed he checked his phone. Three forty-five.
He woke up to a loud banging noise. What was it? He thought to himself. He crept out of bed and looked out the window, but couldn't see anything. The street looked empty and quiet. He opened the door to check if anyone was there. No-one. The door to the bathroom was ajar and nothing but the rhythmic breaths of sleeping people could be heard from the other bedrooms. He returned to his bedroom and sat down on a chair by the window. He felt wide awake and the conversation with John Paul the night before was on repeat in his mind, small bits at the time.
"You want to get back together?" "Yes I do!" "It took you long enough, didn't it?" "Yes, perhaps, but I'm here now." "For how long, ay? A month? Six months? Two years? Five years? Ten years? How long do you think it will take you this time to forget what we have – to let the fear take over your life?"
How could I answer something like that truthfully? How could I not answer? Craig argued in his mind. I mean, I'm here, ain't I. Everyone knows who I love. It's all out in the open. Why can't he see that?
"Craig, we're fine, Matthew and I, I've made a good life for him." "I can see that, John Paul. You're a great dad. I just … I just want to be a part of it, like I always should have been." "You could have, Craig. From Day One you could have, but you chickened out. How do I know you won't do that again? I can't put Matthew through that. No matter how much I love you, he's my priority, and I have to do what's best for him, not for me!" "You admit then that you believe that I'd be the best thing for you, John Paul?" "You're twisting my words, Craig." "Sorry, I'm just trying to cling on to some hope" "You know I love you, Craig. You're the love of my life. I'll never love anyone as much as I love you. But it's not enough. My son … Our son comes first. And I'm not certain that it's the same for you."
I'll show you, John Paul. Craig thought to himself. I'll show you. Matthew is the most important thing in my life now. I'll do anything for him. Even lose you. Even lose both of you.
His nerves calming down, Craig started to drift off. A little later his sleep was disrupted again by a similar sound as before. This time he knew what it was. It was the sound of someone in the house slamming a door shut.
He hadn't really fallen asleep again but lain in bed, contemplating whether he'd been too harsh with Craig the night before. He felt awful for causing someone he loved so much such pain, but as he replayed the conversation in his head, he knew that he'd done the right thing. That little guy over there deserved stability, not the chaos of an on-again-off-again relationship between his two fathers. This knowledge didn't stop the sadness in his heart, though. He drifted off, still thinking about Craig, but a little while later his sleep was disrupted again. He knew straight away that it was the same sound that had woken him up earlier. Someone in the house had just slammed a door shut.