22 December 2014
Ever since he left John Paul, Craig had had a recurring dream where he was looking for his ex-boyfriend, only to find him just gone everywhere he went. It hadn't prepared him for the reality of the day before, he pondered as he sat on the Monday morning train back home.
He'd left Matthew in Myra's arms as he'd hurried to get the earliest train on the Sunday morning to London. He arrived just before one o'clock in the afternoon and met with Nancy at the station. She'd finally gone back to the hotel after searching for their friend for hours, but had hardly slept at all. John Paul's phone remained switched off and Nancy told Craig everything that had happened as they walked around the area, first retracing John Paul and Nancy's steps from the previous night and then just searching for any traces of him. It was when they were passing Barcode, one of the clubs on the other side of the station, that they noticed John Paul exiting from something called Chariots Spa. They called out his name, but he didn't respond so they both took to their feet and ran for him. Craig got there first. He reached out for John Paul's arm and pulled him around to face him. He was crying.
"Craig, just leave me. Go!" John Paul pushed his ex-boyfriend away and started running.
Shocked at the reaction, Craig remained still for a few seconds before following suit, down to the underground station. John Paul managed to get a ticket and jump on the escalator before Craig managed to pay his fair, and when Craig finally got down to the platform John Paul was nowhere to be seen.
The rest of the day had passed like a nightmare of waiting around. He'd jumped on the next train and gone the entire Victoria Line to Walthamstow and then back to Brixton, stopping at every station, in the small hope that John Paul would just be anywhere, waiting for Craig to find him.
He wasn't of course. In the end Craig gave up and left the tube back at Vauxhall. He rang Nancy, who'd decided to go to the nearest pub. They had a few drinks before heading back to the hotel where they sat around waiting for John Paul to return.
He hadn't.
He felt so ashamed. How did he not see what was going on? Of course Dean had seemed so nice. They'd danced and he'd felt attracted to him, he admitted that, but nothing really like he wanted to do anything with him. Still, he'd found himself totally susceptible to everything Dean suggested. First that kiss. Then going to the club. Then leaving Nancy. Then entering that place, that sleazy place. John Paul cringed at the thought. Why did he not realise what that metallic taste was?
Why did I not listen to Nancy? He thought in regret. Waking up in that cubicle was horrid and it had taken him a while to realise where he was and remember what he'd done the previous night. He felt all dirty as he went to the locker room and got dressed, deciding not to shower as he needed to leave as quickly as possible. The tears started welling up as he dropped the key at the exit and left the place.
He couldn't believe his eyes. Craig was there. He was certain it was him in the distance and he hurried in the other direction.
He'd managed to escape his ex-boyfriend on the train. He'd left at Euston, and luckily enough, there was a train home leaving in a few minutes.
Once back in Hollyoaks he couldn't go home to face his mum and the others. He was in no state to take care of his son. He was walking aimlessly around town when he noticed the building.
The door was open and he entered hesitantly. He looked around. It was empty. Slowly he walked further inside and decided to take a seat. He looked up at the big crucifix above the altar and felt the tears returning.
"Christmas gloom, ay?" Someone asked quietly.
John Paul turned slowly towards Father Daniel. He started to stand up but his legs somehow betrayed him and he slumped back on the pew. He then looked back at the priest and noticing the genuine kindness in his eyes, John Paul found himself surrender totally. "Father, hear my confession?" He pleaded, his voice breaking.
How weird is it, that it doesn't matter how long or boring a train ride is, it's always incredibly difficult to leave the train, Craig wondered as he gathered his few belongings. Heavily he stepped on to the platform and made his way into the station. Immerged in his thoughts he wasn't looking around so he was totally taken by surprise when a hesitant voice spoke his name, "Craig? … Craig?"
He'd walked past John Paul who was standing there. The relief was overwhelming as he embraced the younger man. "John … John Paul … I thought … I thought. you'd…" He didn't finish the sentence before the anger hit him.
He pushed John Paul away. "How… ? Why…?" He couldn't finish the questions as someone barged into him. He turned around and saw a big-nosed man who seemed too busy sniffing the air to watch where he was going.
"I'm sorry, Craig." John Paul spoke quietly. "We need to talk. I have to tell you things. Is that okay?"
Craig felt his anger subside and the relief return. "Yeah, of course. I'm just so … I'm glad you're alright. Does Nancy know?" He suddenly remembered their friend who'd stayed behind in London, in case John Paul returned to the hotel.
"Yeah, I rang her earlier." John Paul replied sheepishly. "I'm so sorry about yesterday. Can we go somewhere and I'll tell you everything. Mum's with Matthew. They're both alright." He offered before Craig asked.
A few minutes later they were sitting in a quiet corner in a nearby pub. John Paul took a drink from his pint before speaking.
"I'm sorry about leaving like that yesterday. I couldn't handle dealing with you after… after what I did. I felt so ashamed… disgusted." He paused for a second. "Craig, I think I was drugged. I'm not sure, but I think so. I mean, I'm not trying to find an excuse for my behaviour. I'm no saint, but going off with this guy… did Nancy tell you?" Seeing Craig nodding sadly, he continued. "Yeah, I know. I wasn't on the pull or anything. I mean, I haven't been with anyone since … since the rape. Haven't been close to, really. Then we met this guy and we just hit it off and he seemed nice and the next thing I know he's dragging me away from the club to that…" He swallowed. "To this gay sauna. He… we… did things that I never… I don't know what was happening, but I'd never… And then I wake up and he's gone and … Thank God, I still had my locker key with me, and nothing was gone… well, apart from my pride."
Craig had been watching him intently while he spoke. When John Paul had been silent for a while, his eyes fixated on his drink, he reached out with his right hand, and pushed his chin up. "John Paul, I believe you." He said sincerely. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Better… I'm feeling better… I spoke with someone yesterday that made me see things more clearly…" John Paul replied. He hesitated for a moment before taking the plunge. "Craig. I still love you."
"I know." Craig replied with a shy smile on his lips.
"How...? Never mind. What I was saying is this. I still love you, and I do want to try again." John Paul looked into Craig's eyes. "Do you still want me?"