Will unpacked his lunch. Two large cookies and a sandwich. He tucked into the cookies first while he opened the package that had arrived from Amazon that morning. The cover of the book was shiny, "How to Be the Best Parent You Can Be" in large letters across the front. He hoped it lived up to the title. He needed all the help he could get. He was flicking through the chapters, a cookie, forgotten, held between his teeth, as he wondered where you should start when you had a toddler not a newborn to bring home from the hospital. Should he have bought a book on adoption instead?
"So, Will," Sue's voice cut through the quiet of the teachers' lounge, "are you trying to figure out how to better parent that ragtag bunch of misfit teens you call a glee club or have you actually found a woman who'll let you impregnate her with your curly haired spawn?"
He carried on reading. He'd learnt to ignore Sue over the years but despite his lack of response, or because of it, she leaned in and whispered in his ear.
"If you have, you better hold on to this one or you'll lose her like that ginger pygmy you tried to mate with."
He knew that was Sue's deal. She was always looking for a way to get in a person's head, to get the upper hand and with him Emma was an easy shot. He knew it showed on his face that she'd hit home with that remark but he did his best to pretend it didn't effect him. Right now, though, that subject was as raw as ever.
Shannon had seen Sue talking to Will from her position at the noticeboard but couldn't hear what she was saying to him. Chances are it wasn't helpful. That woman couldn't help herself and Shannon gave her a cold stare as she passed.
"Will, buddy, just ignore her." She put a hand on his shoulder. She glanced down at what he was reading and nodded in the direction of the book. "She been givin' ya a hard time about becoming a dad?"
"I-I haven't told anyone yet, Shan." He sighed and put the book down.
"Anyone?"
He shook his head, running his hand through his hair. He looked stressed.
"Don't ya think you should start telling people?"
"I just...I'm just about getting used to the idea myself, Shan. I don't think I can deal with everyone else wanting to know about Zac too. I-I don't really have any answers."
"When are you seeing him again?"
"Saturday." She watched his hand raking his hair, his foot tapping. He was more nervous than the run up to Nationals.
"That's good isn't it?"
"Yeah...it's great. I just...I'm worried Shan. What if I I'm not a good dad? What if I just...don't know how to be a father?"
"Will, you're gonna be just fine. I know it, okay?"
He grabbed his bag and rifled through some papers, pulling out print outs and catalogs.
"I got him this toy fort. And a little guitar." He flicked through a catalog pointing at one page after another. "I got him a racing car bed too. It's red. And some rocket ship wallpaper. I'm going to hang it tomorrow afternoon. And then..."
She put her large hand over his.
"Will, he's going to love you just because you're his dad." She looked him in the eye. "You don't need to do all of this. Okay?"
He shook his head. "I just want him to know that he matters. That I always loved him, even before I met him. And that I'm going to be there for him from now on."
She could see the tears in her friend's eyes and she could feel a lump forming in her own throat. It was a good thing they were the only two left in the teachers' lounge.
"You need to take it easy though, Will, okay? He's just a little kid and you don't want to overwhelm him." She couldn't say what she thought. That she didn't want Will to expect too much, to get hurt.
He nodded.
"And do you actually know if Emma will let him come stay with you? That might not happen for a while, you know." Emma had kept the kid away from him for nearly three years. Did he really think she'd be letting him have sleepovers with a father he didn't know?
"I don't know." Will shook his head, the weight of it all clearly taking its toll. "Maybe it's best Shan. I mean, Emma's been doing this parenting thing. She knows what to do. And I'm just reading books." He flicked the parenting manual with disgust.
"Hey, I didn't mean that. I know you can do this, Will."
"I'm not sure I do. I've kind of screwed up Zac's life so far."
"Will, what's that about? What are you blaming yourself for?"
He sighed again, deeper this time and looked across at his friend. There was a reason he hadn't told her the truth. He hadn't wanted to see the same look of disappointment in her eyes that he'd seen in Emma's.
"I cheated on her. April...I..." He didn't finish. He didn't think he needed to.
Shannon's face registered the sort of surprise he hadn't wanted to see.
"Will," there was condemnation in her tone, as he knew there should be.
Emma had been sweet and kind and trusting. And he'd screwed up.
"I don't know why..." It still seemed incredible to him that he'd acted that way. And it was worse now knowing everything that he might have had.
"Shit," Shannon shook her head. He knew his friend didn't mince her words. She must be holding back. Probably felt too sorry for him right now.
"And that's why she left?"
"Yeah," he sighed again. "You see it's all my fault, Shan."
She kicked the leg of the table. She didn't really want to look at him right now but at the same time her friend was in a bad way and she knew he didn't have anyone else. Any other time, she'd have been shouting at him by now. He deserved it.
She knew he was a flirt but to lie and cheat. She'd expected better from him.
"She loved you, Will. Didn't you know that?" Maybe she was speaking for herself a little too. She'd thought so much more of Will than that.
"I did." His voice was sad. "I really can't explain..." He trailed off. He wasn't sure why he'd told her now. Guilt maybe. Just the need to get it off his chest. Maybe he was hoping for forgiveness, but he knew he was looking in the wrong place.
"I guess I get why she left now, or at least why she wanted to." She kind of wanted to leave herself. Will didn't seem like the same guy she thought he was a minute ago. Her friend who she trusted. In a strange way she felt betrayed, but she knew that wasn't anything compared to what Emma must have felt.
"You know, I really thought you wanted to be with her. Marriage, the whole works."
"I...I thought I did too..but not nearly as much as I wanted that when she'd gone." He fiddled with his coffee cup. "Shan, I think I just took her for granted, like she'd be waiting there when I worked through all that stuff with Terri...when I'd gotten over the idea that I'd wasted my entire adult life on a relationship that was poisonous...I thought she'd still be there, ready to start a life with me, when I was ready to do that."
"But it was Emma, Will. She might have done that if she'd known, but...not like that." Shannon knew Emma was inexperienced to say the least when they'd started dating. Hell, he was her first boyfriend, her first kiss, her first everything. A lie like that would hit her hard.
"I just..."she couldn't hold back entirely,"I just think you really did a number on her, Will."
He looked awful but she didn't know how else to say it. He'd fucked up and he was going to have to sort it.
"Is that...is that why you didn't go after her Will?" She'd always wondered. There seemed to have been a point at which Will had just let her go.
"Maybe. I mean I tried at first. Her parents wouldn't tell me anything and I couldn't find her...I guess after a while I just thought she deserved better, you know, that she'd be better off without me."
"Have you guys even talked about this?"
He shook his head. "It's all been about Zac."
She blew out her cheeks, thinking hard. It's not like she was a counselor or anything.
"Maybe that's best for now. You focus on Zac. Show him you want to be his dad." She nodded again, this sounded right. "Show Emma that you'll be there to support her too and that she can rely on you for help and then...down the line...when things are more stable, you two talk about this. Clear the air."
"But what if it's still true? That they'd both be better off without me."
"Will, my friend, whatever happened then, I know this - you're a good man. You're kind and you're caring and that little boy is lucky to have you as a father."
"I just feel so fucking guilty, Shan. Like he'll know that I didn't really want him, not then...not enough."
"But you do now?"
"I do," he nodded. "Like nothing else matters."
"Then you just show him that, Will. You'll be a good dad, you just have to put all this aside. And Emma, maybe she'll never forgive you, but she's back and you're talking. That's all you need for now, at least for Zac."
Thanks for your reviews! We're getting there, I promise.