Will stood outside the little white house, leaning against his car. He looked around. He was early.
He hadn't slept much and unusually he'd been awake long before his alarm went off. Setting off ahead of schedule, in case there was traffic or he got a flat tire or there was some other unforeseen hold up, seemed like the sensible thing to do. He really didn't want anything to get in the way of his time with Zac. In the event, the journey was smooth and he'd already had time to drive around town and check it out. It seemed nice, the town and the neigborhood both, and now he was here, in front of their house, early, with time to kill. He could see that Emma had given Zac a proper home. The little two-story house had a front porch, there was a tricycle by the door and around the side of the house he could see a small backyard with a swing set and slide. Would he have been able to give Zac all this? He still lived in the same apartment he'd shared with Terri. Maybe Zac really had done better without him.
He heard the door open and saw a flash of red hair.
"Will?" Emma's voice.
He took a few steps towards the door.
"Sorry I'm early...should I come back in a bit?"
"No, it's okay, come in," she stepped aside, as she opened the door, and he could see that she was dressed in a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. It wasn't a look he'd ever seen on her before.
He felt bad. She wasn't expecting him this early and he didn't want her to think he was deliberately ignoring her plans but she smiled at him as she closed the door behind them.
"Zac's going to be so excited you're here already," she said, and it sounded, he thought, like she meant it. "He was just..." She frowned at the pile of legos in the middle of the floor, "building a..."
Her eyes moved to the corner of the room and she pointed wordlessly in the direction of a heap of cushions that were moving.
"Well, I guess Zac went out or something...maybe he had errands to run." Her voice was teasing and her eyes were encouraging Will to join in on the joke.
But all Will could think was surely this wasn't a good sign that his son was hiding from him. Emma sensed Will's discomfort. She hoped it didn't mean he didn't want to be here. She hoped it didn't mean he just couldn't do this.
She tiptoed towards the cushions. "I guess I'll just tidy these up then." There were giggles as she lifted the cushions, and Will saw a flash of red and blue as Zac ducked away behind the couch.
Emma turned to Will, an exaggerated sigh and her hands on her hips, as she shook her head, "I guess Zac really isn't home then." But the look on his face made her think again. Perhaps Zac's game just wasn't amusing to him. She bit her lip.
"Zac, baby, come out please. Will came to see you."
Red hair and big eyes came into view around the corner of the couch. She beckoned. "Enough of the game, sweetie, come out now."
Zac grinned as he moved out from behind the furniture, edging slowly towards them, and then sidling up to Emma, hanging onto her leg and hiding his body behind her.
Will crouched down, trying to get to the same height as his son, standing there in his Superman pajamas.
"Hi Zac," he looked at his child looking back at him. Did he remember that they'd met the week before? "I thought maybe we could have a play." He smiled. Hopefully Zac would at least recognize that Will wanted to be his friend.
The little boy smiled back at him, shyly now, but didn't say a word. Emma ruffled his hair.
"Hey, Zac-Zac, why are you all shy now? You've been looking forward to Will coming." She'd been talking about the upcoming visit with him every day, trying to give him a sense of what to expect and more than that really, the idea that he had a father out there, even if he didn't see him every day.
She looked at Will. "He woke up at 5 this morning he was so excited." The way her eyes went wide, her wrinkled brow, the way she nodded her head for emphasis. The surroundings might be different, the outfit and the situation, but that was the Emma he remembered. She meant what she said.
Will turned back to his son, his little head resting against his mother's thigh, arms wrapped tightly around her leg. "Hey, buddy, would you show me your cars?"
The small head nodded back. Will smiled in return and watched his son as he went over to his toybox and solemnly picked out all his toy cars lining them up in a neat row. Will scooted closer, still on his knees and Zac started going through a description of his favorite vehicles. Will just watched and listened. His voice was soft and whispery in places, coming fast and breathy when he was excited. His big eyes would flick up to watch Will watching him and then back to the cars he was talking about. And all the time Will just nodded, and listened, his attention so fixed on Zac that he didn't notice when Emma left the room.
...
She'd wanted this. But seeing them together now, Zac's tiny figure next to Will's playing on their living room floor, there were so many emotions.
From the very beginning it was just the two of them. It had always been that way. She'd brought Zac home from the hospital and watched him as he slept in his crib. And from that moment on it was just her and Zac. All the night feeds and diaper changes, the first steps and first words. The first few months of his life every waking moment was spent with her. And it was easy then to believe that she was the only one he needed. It was her arms that comforted him when he cried and her body that fed him. The sound of her heartbeat that made him feel safe and her face that he looked for every morning. The bond between them was so strong, their world so complete with just the two of them, it was easy to forget that there was anyone else outside who mattered.
When she did remember, in that heady intense time, that Will was out there, that he was Zac's father, she told herself that her baby had everything he needed and that in fact to complicate things then, to tell Will and bring him and all the stress and emotion that would inevitably come with him, would only be bad for Zac right now, as tiny and dependent as he was. She didn't feel like she had any energy to devote to anyone or anything else, not without taking it away from where her focus should be - with her child.
As time went by though, and it passed so quickly - before she knew it Zac was talking and walking then looking like a real little boy, she'd known that it was only a matter of when she told Will not if. There were nights when, in the darkness, she'd lie awake and imagine what the two of them would have been like together, their interactions, their bond, and she'd ask herself that question over and over: what would Will do? Would he ask for joint custody? Would he try to take Zac away from her? Could he do that? Could she risk it? She'd tell herself that was impossible, full custody. She was a good mother. But even the thought of Zac spending part of the time away from her was more than she could handle. He was so little. Surely she could wait a little longer.
But then a month ago, Zac had said something. He was in the back of the car, she'd just picked him up from a play date at his friend's house and she could see him in his car seat in the rearview mirror as she drove them home, when inbetween his excited recounting of the game they had played, suddenly Zac asked, "Why does Josh have a daddy?"
She remembered being so shocked that she couldn't answer for a minute. She hadn't expected this yet, though she realized she should have seen the signs. The little look Zac would get on his face when a father was mentioned in a story or on one of his tv shows, the quiet way he watched Josh's father when he came to pick the little boy up from their house.
And the implied question hung in the air. Why does Josh have a daddy and I don't?
Her mouth started moving without forming any words, and then from somewhere she'd found the ability to haltingly deliver the explanation that "some people just have mommies...and some people have mommies and daddies and... some people just have daddies, sweetie, does that make sense?"
He'd nodded at her but he didn't look entirely sure, which was fair considering she'd rather glossed over some of the essential truths.
For a week she didn't do anything. She thought about picking up the phone, dialing Will's number but she couldn't do it. Another week of sleepless nights, in which she tossed and turned and imagined where they'd be five years from now or ten, when Zac was still asking her about this. What would happen when he wanted a driver's license or a passport, when he asked her why there was no name under 'father' on his birth certificate. What would happen when he found out Will was there all this time, just a few hours away, living his life without even knowing his son existed. Fear had stopped her from telling Will before, had been her reason for holding off. She'd just wanted a few months she told herself, a year maybe, just a little longer of knowing where her baby would be sleeping, that he would be there close to her. She'd get stronger she told herself. He'd be more grown up. The idea would be less frightening.
But each morning, when she'd wake Zac up and he'd open his eyes, she could see the love he had for her. He'd smile so wide and reach his arms out, as he did every morning, excited to see her, saying her name. She couldn't bear the idea that that love might be replaced by something else. How would he feel about her when he found out that she'd hidden this from him? Lied to him. She couldn't hold off forever. That way she'd certainly lose him for good. She wasn't ready for this but if she did it now, she told herself, then he might not remember, not properly at least. Or if she could make sure he had a good relationship with Will, the best she could, then he wouldn't blame her, he wouldn't feel so hurt. She told herself that over and over, repeating it in her head even as she'd waited for Will to pick up the phone.
"Hi. Emma?" Will's voice behind her, uncertain and unfamiliar in this space.
Her hands were shaking a little when she looked down at them and she wiped a tear from her cheek before turning to face Will.
She smiled at him. Did it look genuine she wondered? Or as wobbly as it felt.
"Zac asked if he could have a drink."
"Yes, un hunh, of course. He can, yes."
"Okay, I'll..." Will gestured back to the living room.
"Of course, yes, you.." Her voice faded and she just nodded, then busied herself tidying the counter and fixing Zac's drink as Will left.
Emma clipped the lid on Zac's favorite sippee cup - one from the movie Cars - and took a deep breath, but when she reached the doorway she had to pause again. The sight of the two of them together, kneeling on the floor, Will's head leaning into Zac's as they both raced the cars around the track made her stop. This was how it was meant to be. How it should have been all along.