Will watched Zac take the cup from Emma with both hands and slurp the juice thirstily. Everything he did was amazing, Will thought, he could just watch him for hours.
His hand quickly back on his favorite red toy car, Zac pushed the cup aside and fixed his attention back on his game, running it along making little revving noises.
Emma stroked his hair gently. "Baby, shall we go get you dressed, so that you can go out and play?"
Will wondered how the little boy would respond, intent as he was on his game, but he turned and gave his mother a sunny smile and nodded, jumping up and grabbing her legs.
"We'll just be five minutes, Will, is that okay?"
He nodded and watched the two of them climb the stairs, Zac making slow work ahead of Emma, as she waited patiently for him to climb each step. And then he was alone, taking in his surroundings properly for the first time. This was where his son lived. where Emma had lived for these years when he didn't even know where she was. It was cozy. Neat but not nearly as tidy as he'd thought Emma's house would be. There were a lot of toys, some of them strewn around the living room, a comfy looking couch and shelves full of books.
He got up and peeked through into the kitchen. The refrigerator was covered in Zac's finger paintings and other artworks. It looked bright and warm. A far cry from his apartment. When he turned around, he realized there was a wall of photos behind him, all of Zac. As a baby, a tiny newborn with his fist clenched around what looked like a giant finger, Emma's he presumed. Sitting in a high chair, food splattered from head to toe laughing at the camera. In front of a cake with one candle, his little hands grabbing fistfuls of frosting. All these moments Will hadn't been present for. He just stood there trying to take these memories all in.
He was still looking at the photos when Emma came down the stairs, holding Zac's hand.
"Will?" Her eyes were wide, perhaps even fearful as she followed his gaze.
Will turned to look at them, so lost in this past unlived that he was almost surprised to see a little boy in front of him, in place of the baby on the wall.
He could tell that she seemed very aware of where the focus of his attention had been, but she didn't say anything. Will didn't know that was because she couldn't.
"Zac's all ready to go out with you. I've put together everything you might need." She held out a small backpack towards him.
He looked at it, feeling confused. It was blue and red and had a Superman picture on the front. But why was she giving it to him?
"Are-aren't you coming with us?"
She shook her head and smiled. "I thought you and Zac should have some quality time together."
She looked down at Zac, "You'd like that, with your daddy, wouldn't you?"
The little boy nodded.
"If that's okay with you then Will?" Her brow was wrinkled as she looked at him.
"Yeah." He felt ridiculously nervous about being in charge of another person. He did this every day at school. Could it be that different?
At least Emma didn't look so anxious. She was smiling and talking and he wasn't paying enough attention.
"I packed a drink and some snacks for you both. And a jacket for you Zac, in case it gets cool," she was saying. "And, there's a change of clothes in there, in case you need it, which you won't," she looked Zac in the eye and smiled at him as she continued, "because you'll let Will know when you need the bathroom, won't you?"
Zac smiled shyly back at her, nodding his head.
"So, you're set. And you'll have fun with your daddy." She knelt then, giving Zac a fierce hug, before she tickled him and he started giggling and wriggling and she let him go.
She ushered them to the door and watched as Zac took the hand Will held out for him and the two of them made their way down the driveway. Two figures in blue jeans and checked shirts. One tall and one small. As they turned the corner into the street, Zac looked back at her with big eyes. She blew kisses and smiled encouragingly.
"Have fun, baby. Have fun."
She watched them until they got to the end of the street and then she went back inside the empty house.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
She'd found herself looking out the window every few minutes as she worked. Checking her watch and making sure her cellphone had signal. It wasn't like Zac hadn't been away from her or that she couldn't trust anyone else to be responsible for him but this felt different. Momentous. She didn't want anything to go wrong. Or for Will to bring him home early. Because that would mean he didn't like being with Zac. That he might not come back. She knew her mind was getting carried away with worst case scenarios. All her worst fears. Will would call and say that Zac was having a meltdown, could she please come and get him and she would know that she was the one responsible for her child's distress. Or he wouldn't bring him home at all. He'd phone her from Lima. Tell her that she'd had all this time with Zac and now he deserved the same. And he'd be right. But her baby would be trapped in the middle of it all and she already missed him and she couldn't breathe. Her fingers were clenched tight around the edge of the desk, her knuckles showing white through her skin. Slowly she relaxed them, one by one and she could feel the blood flowing back to her fingertips and the dizziness receding with each deep breath.
The house was tidy again and she'd drafted more pamphlets than she'd managed in recent months, but even so half her mind had stayed wondering what Zac and Will were doing, where they were. When she allowed herself to check the street once more, it was with relief she saw Will's figure in the distance, rounding the corner. She leapt up from her chair, hurrying down the stairs to meet them at the door. She could already feel the smile on her lips. Opening the front door, she saw Will coming up the driveway, Zac cradled against his chest, his sleepy head resting on his father's shoulder.
"Hey," Will said quietly as he climbed the steps to the porch.
"Hey," Emma reached a hand out to brush Zac's hair gently.
Will looked down at the slumbering little boy.
"He was full of energy and then suddenly his eyes were closing."
Emma laughed softly. "That's how he is. I guess he was having too much fun."
She hoped they had been.
"We did. I mean, I think he did."
Emma nodded. She couldn't interrogate Will about everything they'd done and everything Zac had said. How he'd seemed. Though she kind of wanted to. But this was about her letting go.
"Do you want to put him down on the couch? He can have a nap before dinner."
She watched Will as he laid their son down tenderly, his hand resting briefly on Zac's hair. And then they were just standing there. Together. And she was unbearably aware of that fact.
"Um, would you like a drink? Coffee? Soda?"
"I guess I should get going."
Was Will that uncomfortable around her?
"Zac will be awake again in a minute."
"Really? He looks out for the count."
"No, give him five minutes and he'll be running around again."
Will shook his head, as he watched Zac sleep. As she watched him.
"Come though." She motioned to the kitchen and Will followed.
While he looked around, absorbing details of her and Zac's life here, she knew, she busied herself making coffee.
She couldn't help but wish they could talk, like they used to. Once upon a time, Will had talked to her about his feelings about becoming a father, to a different baby, and now he was one, and she couldn't even ask him how that was for him. And for so many reasons she did want to know.
She poured the coffee and turned to him, as he studied Zac's paintings.
"Uh," she started to speak but thought better of it.
"Oh," Will glanced at her. "Just black with two sugars, please."
Did he think she'd forgotten?
She passed the cup to him, their fingers brushing lightly and she had to look away. Moving to the table she indicated that he should sit too and then there they were, facing one another.
For what felt like minutes, there was just silence between them. She found herself staring at her coffee, at her fingers, at the table. Anything to not have to look at Will. And it wasn't just that she didn't know what to say. There was something so confusing about being near him again.
Will cleared his throat. "Zac ate all his snacks. I...I took him for pizza too." He hesitated now, realizing that Emma might not approve. "He liked it."
She nodded.
"That's good."
She wasn't going to mention that she kept Zac off dairy. Will wasn't to know.
"And I should make sure to get the laundry out of Zac's bag...he, uh, needed a change of pants."
"Oh, Will, I'm sorry." She always felt bad when this happened when Zac was on a playdate or at daycare. It didn't happen often but she always felt like she'd failed. "He's really good these days. I mean, he almost never..."
"Emma, it's fine."
Will smiled but she couldn't stop trying to explain.
"never needs that. He just gets distracted sometimes, when he's having fun or..." She was going to say that Zac got shy when he was with someone new but if that happened then this was definitely her fault.
"Emma, I just got him cleaned up and in dry clothes and he forgot about it two minutes later. I don't mind. He...he's my kid."
She nodded. The knot she felt in her chest was growing and she couldn't put into words everything she felt.
"Do you...do you want to see Zac next weekend, Will? I could drive up to Lima with him."
Will nodded. She thought there might be tears in his eyes, as there were in hers.
"And...and," she forced herself to say this, "if there's anyone you'd like Zac to meet, then maybe it would be a good opportunity."
Will just nodded. "Yeah, I mean," he pushed his hand through his hair and then stopped speaking. There were definitely some tears in his eyes, she thought.
"So we should," she continued, until she heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Zac coming through the doorway.
He grinned and climbed into her lap.
"See?" she smiled at Will, as she dropped a kiss on top of Zac's head.
"Do you feel better, baby?" she whispered to him and he nodded still a little sleepy.
"I should go," Will said suddenly.
"I...Sure, I mean, of course, if you need to."
She got up, following Will, holding Zac in her arms.
"Do you want to talk details? For next weekend?"
Will shook his head.
"I'll call you. We can talk later in the week."
"Okay," she wasn't sure what else to say. Will seemed to be keen to leave and she wasn't sure why.
She lifted Zac a little higher in her arms, so that it would be easier for Will to take him, if he wanted a hug or to give him a kiss goodbye. But he just turned when he got to he door and looked down at Zac with a look on his face that she couldn't read.
"Bye, buddy."
"Bye," Zac said back.
And they stood together at the door as Will got in his car and drove away. Zac waving as they watched Will's car reach the end of the street and turn the corner, heading home.