Emma was relieved that there wasn't likely to be any time for her and Will to talk, at least not any time soon. Life was like that with a two year old. Zac had enjoyed playing with Will at the park. They'd taken him over to the swings, where he'd let out shrieks of laughter as Will pushed him higher and higher. Higher than Emma ever did. She watched, trying to focus on Zac's pleasure rather than any imagined danger and then Zac was running over to her, tugging her cardigan, wanting a drink.
As they sat there on the bench, Zac drinking his juice box and swinging his legs, Emma looked over at Will.
"Did you have any particular plans for today?"
Will shook his head.
"I thought we better play it by ear."
She nodded. It wasn't easy to know how to take this. This getting to know each other stage.
Emma took a deep breath.
"I packed an overnight bag for Zac. If...if you wanted to have him stay over tonight."
Will looked surprised. She hadn't told him in advance in case he'd turned up with a Terri. Or an April. She really hadn't trusted Will's taste in women. She wasn't going to let her child be around just anyone, problematic as that may be in the future. She just wasn't ready.
"Yeah, I mean...if you're sure."
She nodded again, although she felt ridiculously nervous. Not about Will looking after Zac. She was sure Zac would be fine with him.
"Do you want to have a sleepover at your daddy's house?" she asked Zac. She didn't really know if he knew what a sleepover was, since it was his first. But the toddler grinned and nodded enthusiastically so she smiled back, although she was holding back tears. He was so little and so grown up at the same time.
"You do?" Will asked him again, disbelief in his voice. Zac nodded some more.
"Okay, well I guess we should take your things over there then." Emma tried to sound relaxed. After all that was how she wanted Zac to feel about this. But now she realized she was really going back. Back to the apartment they had shared. Back to the home she had left that night. And Zac would be there, start to make a life there, without her.
xxxxxxxx
Will pulled up next to their car in the parking lot. That used to happen sometimes when they left school at the same time. She turned around and looked at Zac and pointed at the apartment building that she had for a while called home.
"This is where your daddy lives."
"Cool," said Zac. It was his new favorite word.
Emma got out and nodded at Will as he got out of his car. She opened the door to get Zac out of his carseat.
"Shall I take you in so we can see where you'll stay the night?" She felt bad about just leaving him somewhere unfamiliar, although she really didn't want to go inside, now that they were actually here.
Zac nodded, still smiling, and she brushed her lips against his soft hair as she lifted him out of the car and took a deep breath, taking in the scent of him. Baby shampoo and a hint of strawberries, a mixture that was uniquely him. He was sleepy and his head rested on her shoulder, tucked under her chin.
"I'll carry you in a minute, baby. I just need to get your bags out the trunk."
Will was at her side. "I'll get his things."
She smiled gratefully and watched as he shouldered the overnight bag that she'd packed with pajamas and toys, a change of clothes and Zac's favorite blankie and a cool bag of snacks and drinks, things Will might not have.
"Okay, is that everything?"
She nodded, holding Zac tight. There was no more delaying and she followed Will up the steps she used to climb everyday and to the front door that she used to have a key for. This time her son was balanced on her hip.
As Will opened the door she took a deep breath, unsure what she felt most unprepared for, that it might look exactly the same or be quite changed. When she walked in, it seemed to be a mixture of those things. The furniture was the same and the paintings on the walls, but the feel of it was different. It didn't smell of polish and that bright high citrus note from cleaning products as it did when she lived there. A scent that she took pleasure breathing in whenever she stepped through the front door. The dining room was laid out the same but it clearly hadn't been used in a while. Will had stacks of sheet music and marking on the table.
His gaze followed hers.
"I haven't got around to tidying recently...I, uh, wasn't expecting any company..."
She smiled. "It's fine, Will. It is. It's..just the same."
It wasn't though. Even if the throw cushions she'd chosen were still on the couch and her vase was on the mantel, it felt emptier somehow. Different.
"Shall I show Zac where the bathroom is? And uh...where he's going to sleep?" She wondered if the guest room was still full of junk. She'd hated it but it was Will's stuff and she hadn't lived there long enough to clear it out. "Or," she blushed,"do you want to?" It was his home after all, not hers any more.
"Ah," Will fumbled for words. He felt suddenly nervous. This was really happening.
"Mommy have you been here before?" Zac asked.
"Yes, sweetie, I have," she smiled at his surprised expression, knowing that he really didn't seem to grasp that his parents had met each other before now. "You have too actually," she said, talking just to cover what felt like an awkward silence and then wishing she hadn't, "but you were, uh, really tiny."
She dipped her head, resting her lips against her son's head, kissing him once more before setting him down.
"Will will show you around his house, baby, and I'm just, ah, going to put your snacks and drinks in the refrigerator, if that's okay?" She caught Will's eye.
"Uh, sure. Yeah, go ahead." He nodded at her and she headed into the kitchen as he held out his hand to Zac. "Okay, buddy, I'm going to give you the grand tour."
She could hear her son's high voice asking Will questions as he showed him his bedroom, the one they used to share, and echoing as they went into the bathroom but she focused on organizing Zac's food. She'd packed some just in case and when she opened the refrigerator she was glad she had. There wasn't much in it - a roll of cookie dough, half eaten, a pack of eggs with a date that made her worry, half a dozen bottles of beer. She resisted the desire to clear the food out and start over telling herself that there was so little there that Will would surely have to take Zac out to eat and she arranged the neat little tupperwares that she'd prepared on an empty shelf.
She heard laughter behind her just before Zac put his little wet hands on her behind.
"Guess what Mommy."
"What?" she smiled, as she looked down at the damp marks on her skirt. That meant he'd washed his hands and that was something they'd been working on.
"Will stands up when he pees. Did you know that?"
"Noooo," she could feel her eyes go wide, as her cheeks burned. She was used to parenting being embarrassing sometimes but not so much in front of other people, and it definitely felt different in front of Will.
Zac frowned. "You knew that didn't you?"
"Um, yes, kind of," she glanced at Will who looked a little embarrassed too.
"Guess what else, Mommy."
"I don't know, baby," she didn't want to guess. In that moment all she could think was this actually was like raising a child with someone she didn't really know. Someone who made her feel nervous and edgy, the same way she did when they first met, though she knew of course that the cause had to be quite different.
Zac gave her the widest grin, his face almost splitting in two. "And he said he'd teach me."
"That's...that's wonderful." There really was no other answer when her son was looking so delighted with the situation. She bit her lip, trying to stifle the laughter that was bubbling up and as she did she caught Will's eye. It looked like he was having trouble not laughing too.
Will held his hands out, grasping for words to follow that up with. "So we've got the essentials like bathrooms, out the way then...that's good." He grinned.
Emma smiled too. "Well, yes. It sounds like the two of you have everything under control. I guess I'm done here..."
Will's head jerked slightly, his eyes widened. She wondered if he were afraid of coping with Zac alone.
"Um, I mean unless would you'd like me to help make up a bed for Zac, or", she didn't even know what sleeping arrangements Will could provide,"you know, the couch or the floor will be fine for him."
Will was shaking his head. Of course, he didn't need her help. She shouldn't be trying to take control of this, it was his place.
"You know what I should probably go...", she nodded as she collected up her bag, trying not to look at Zac, in case he looked worried too. "I..."
"No, no, don't go yet."
She didn't expect Will to be the one protesting about her leaving. If anyone, she thought it would be her two year old, but he seemed absolutely fine about being left, which gave her a little pang.
"You two will be fine together, Will." She smiled at him, trying to look calmer than she felt. "Won't you Zac?" He nodded back at her and she felt so proud of him she thought her heart might burst.
"I just...I thought you might want to see this too, you know, when I show Zac his room."
"My room?" Zac looked up at Will, who nodded back at him.
Zac grinned and Will led the way to the guest room, opening the door for Zac to see in.
It wasn't at all how Emma remembered it. It had been a room full of boxes, painted a drab beige. Now there was color on the walls and the only boxes were full of toys. Emma glanced over at Will who had his eyes fixed on Zac. She followed his gaze. Zac was standing in the middle of the room staring, his eyes growing bigger with each new thing he noticed, turning round and round, silent until he looked at Will and asked "Is this my room?"
"Yes. This is your room."
Emma could hear the emotion in Will's voice and they stood side by side in the doorway, watching Zac run from one thing to the other.
"Look, Mommy, my bed is a racing car."
She nodded, a lump in her own throat.
"And look," his voice was rising in pitch with each new discovery.
"It's beautiful, Will." She'd only just managed to get the words out and she stayed looking straight ahead.
"I...I just wanted him to know that he has a place here with me."
She nodded, still looking at Zac, who was busy emptying the contents of an enormous toy box on the floor.
"You've made him really happy." She couldn't look at Will. "I-I should go."
"Aren't you going to tell Zac?"
She shook her head.
"He's happy. It's probably best not to disturb him. I...tell him I'll see him tomorrow."
She was holding back tears. For so many reasons she knew, and saying goodbye to Zac was more likely to make her cry than her son.
"I'll let myself out. You stay and..." she swallowed, "be with Zac."
It was like all his birthdays and Christmasses wrapped up together. She wished she could stay and watch but she knew this time was for Will, because he hadn't got to see any of those.