Break the Silence By Atheniandream
Chapter 13
Her eyes blurred as the greying light peeled through them, causing her to wince as the harsh blur of artificial day surrounded her; the beeping and flaring of machines whirring beside her; lines taped up her arm attached to what she could only fathom to be fluids or paid meds of some sort. Her eyes suddenly focused on the stark magnolia walls coming into view. It looked dark outside, maybe near dawn or maybe late in the evening; she couldn't be sure. Time had definitely passed since she'd been brought in.
She turned to see Harvey scrunched in a chair, his arm propping up his head which hung slightly, his mouth agog and the same grey sweater and slacks he'd been dressed in the last time she'd seen him, only all the more crinkled than before. It was good to see his face; the permanent frown that he wore and the lines that were gradually appearing around his eyes, more and more defined as the days passed. He hadn't shaved, the distinct five o'clock shadow on his jaw making her think only a few hours had passed. She couldn't be sure though.
She rustled slightly in the bed, a drawing feeling in her pulling her almost through the mattress. Her fingers wanted to touch her bump, but the clean cold pain around it stopped her dead.
Where was her baby?
It was the million dollar question she was too scared to make audible.
It suddenly registered that her mouth was dry, her teeth feeling like they had fur on them and slight cracks on her lips from whatever they'd put in her over however many hours.
"Donna,"
She heard her name as he stretched, scooting his chair over to her instantly to take her hand in his.
"Hey you," She said as he kissed her, her mood calming as she felt his slightly stubbly cheek and sleep-laden lips.
"You've asleep a long time." He noted, his face pensive.
"How long?"
"Only a day. But, one day too long if you ask me." He smirked; the action comforting her.
"Is the baby…?" She didn't want to ask what was in her head, but her puckering face and the water in her eyes betrayed enough of what she was feeling.
"He's…" She looked down only to feel him squeeze her hand tighter "In an incubator. He's tiny. Really, really small Donna…and he had some trouble breathing, but… he's stable, for now. Or so they tell me."
The words hit her with a ten ton weight, the tension coming out of her hand as it hung limply in his.
"Donna. Everything is going to be okay," His hand found her flat hair, his dry fingers threading through the wavy strands.
She said nothing in reply, too numbed by the past day. There was a little piece of her, right in the back behind her common sense that reasoned that maybe things wouldn't be okay; that the vacant dream she had wasn't a message to aid her but more her subconscious trying to suppress the real truth.
"Donna?"
She heard Harvey's voice, bringing her out of the dirge in her brain.
"Huh? Sorry." She smiled.
"Hey, I lost you there for a second?"
"No. I'm just…tired. Have you eaten?" She asked, her hand travelling up his arm.
"I'm fine." He shrugged her off, his expression solidifying.
"Harvey," She pressed.
"Donna. I'm fine. Mike and Rachel should be here to tomorrow. I have to… go to work for a meeting so I'll leave…in the morning and then I'll be back."
"Okay. You don't have to be here twenty four seven, you know,"
"You're here. The baby's here. I'm staying."
Despite her worry of him, his words settled her just enough for her usual nature to take over.
"You wanna get in bed?" She offered, her eyebrow arching at him. The way he looked back at her, reminded her that she was probably pale and a dull representation of her usual self; her ire aside.
"I know you have a private room, but I don't think they let you have sleepovers here."
"Just get on the bed." She commanded, softening her tone soon after. "You can move when they tell you to."
He eyed her curiously, the idea of having to sleep in his current position playing at the forefront of his mind.
"Okay, can you move over a bit? So I don't accidentally pull out your cannula or…?"
"Check you out with the medical lingo. Watched any General Hospital whilst you've been here?" She said, shrugging off the feeling of morbidity that her ability to joke encouraged.
"Just scoot over." He rolled his eyes.
She watched as he shook off his running shoes, pulling his sweater over his head and laid it down, folded on his chair. She turned, facing the drip, as he very carefully laid beside her.
In any other situation she would have dealt. She would have sat in the damn bed on her own and dealt. But this… she needed Harvey close, his breath catching on her neck, his hands firm and protective on her waist, the sound he made when he changed from light to deep sleep. All those funny little sounds that twenty four hours ago had almost made her crazy were now the only simple needs that she had. Apart from the obvious…
His nose tickled her cheek as he kissed it lightly. "Hey, you okay over there?" He whispered.
"Yeah. I'm… I'm good. You?"
"Yeah. I'm good." He squeezed her waist gently before snuggling against her, his chest against her back, slightly soft from his lack of gym work over the months, his stubbly jaw dipping to rest on her shoulder with a quiet satisfaction.
It would probably be as close to a regular exchange of 'I love you' as they would ever get.
It was a minor comfort, all things considered.
When she woke in the morning the first thing she felt was the distinct absence of Harvey.
She rolled over just as a nurse walked into the room, talking inanely about the weather or lack thereof. She smiled dully at the little woman and tried not to focus on the little twinges and stings of being poked and prodded as the nurse went about her routine check-up.
"Hey, you're up!" The bright optimistic voice of her good friend bounded into the room with a smile to match.
"Hey Rach." She said, putting on a slightly brighter tone for her visitors. Behind her Mike lingered closing the door as the nurse quietly exited and Rachel sat in the chair that Harvey had left by her bed.
"How are you?" She asked, a sympathetic tone as she squeezed Donna's hand.
"I'm…I'm as well as I can be, all things considered." She said. A lump rose in her throat as the thought hit her. "Have you seen the baby?" She asked; that damned lump in her throat rising with a vengeance.
Her friend's face fell instantly. Rachel could never hide a damned thing. "No… they wouldn't let us. We were hoping you had been told something by now?"
"Nothing. Where's Harvey?" She asked, remembering something about work.
"He's at the firm. Said he'll be back just after lunch. He's been so worried about you," Said Rachel, her thumb rubbing over Donna's limp hand.
Her eyes flicked to Mike, his hands in his pockets and that stirring look about him. "Which pretty much means he's said like two words." He said, a familiar smirk of his on his lips. It soothed her in a way that she'd never expected it to.
"Two words more than usual, huh? Make sure he's looking after himself, Mike. When his uh…Dad died, he threw himself into work. But this time… he's here too…I don't want him overdoing it."
"I'll try. But you know he only ever really listens to you." He noted, his hands shuffling in his pockets.
"Yeah." She smiled sadly at her friends. The lump rose a little higher, so she put on a mask of bright enthusiasm. "So how are you guys? How's work?"
"Works…okay. I'm working for Louis at the moment, which is…well. You know." Rachel smiled shyly. It didn't take more than the word 'Louis' to sum up her friend's last few weeks.
"Both sides of the coin, huh?"
"Yeah. But I'm dealing with him. Can we get you anything?" Rachel asked, that worried look painting her face once more.
As her answer formed, her eyes darted to the door as it opened.
"I think I've got everything I need, Rach. Hey Mom," She said, her own worried smile forming.
Standing in the doorway was a smallish woman; rounded features, a strawberry-blonde bob cutting just under her chin, and a familiarly tentative smile. Her eyes were dark brown, contrasting with her green sweater and khaki slacks. She was wholesome and country and so – Donna realised – different from her built-up city life.
"Sweetheart." The older woman merely said, taking in both Mike and Rachel simultaneously with a cordial smile. Their eyes flicked to one another instantly; a clear thought passing between them.
"We're gonna leave you two, okay? I'll stop by tomorrow. Get Harvey to call if you need anything. Okay?" Rachel said, squeezing her hand one last time.
"Will do Rach. Thanks. Bye Mike."
"Bye Donna." He said, the impulse striking him as he darted over to her quickly, kissing her on the cheek. She squirmed for a second, chuckling to herself and pretended to swat him away. "Get off me child!"
He laughed a little as Rachel pulled him through the door, leaving her mother and her alone.
As the door clicked shut, her mother reached for her; another worried face looking out at her. "Harvey called; my poor baby... how are you?"
If there was one thing to cause her to break it was her mother.
Her placed smile cracked at the edges into a sob for just one moment; until she bit it back. "I'm…I'm scared Mom."
"You've been through the ringer, I'll say. Your father is worried sick."
"Where is he?" She asked.
"He'll be down later. How's the baby? Any news?" She asked, her thumb running over her daughter's hand in a ghost of Rachel's earlier action. But when her mother did it, it was times like this when she was reduced to the home-grown Cortland kid of her youth. A Mother will do that…even to a Mother.
"We don't know. He's in an incubator. The Doctor hasn't been around yet. I…this is…" Her words stopped, as the lump rose a little further in her throat as if it could get any higher.
"Everything is going to be fine, Donna." Her Mother insisted, her eyes sturdy as they looked into her daughter's.
"How do you know? You don't know that, Mom."
"I never told about the problems you had, did I?"
"No…?" She frowned instantly.
"You weren't easy to bring into the world either. You had the cord wrapped round your neck and your arms, you lost consciousness for a minute; they thought you'd have problems with development. But…look at you. I couldn't have made a stronger or more beautiful specimen of a girl if I'd tried." She smiled, her hand finding Donna's stray hairs.
"Thanks Mom. But…I'll just, feel better once someone's told me something. Anything about the baby."
"How about I go find out for you? See if I can encourage the Doctor to come around?" She grinned that grin Donna had feared in her teens.
"Mom. Please…don't antagonise the staff here. It's private health care. They know what they're doing." She said, teetering on the edge of a lecture.
"I'm just going to nudge…." She replied, a mischievous smile on her lips.
"The last time you nudged we got kicked out of Farmer's market bake-off… in our own town!"
"Oh, they didn't know a thing about Sponges! I'll be my…usual charming self, as always." She smiled in reply, tapping the bed as she stood up.
"Why is it when both you and Harvey say that, my insides squirm?"
"Shouldn't he take after your Father?" Her Mother asked, a familiar eyebrow quirking at her daughter.
"You'd think, wouldn't you?" She said, her sarcasm verging on indignation. It was possible that she had two Harvey's in her life. Neither were her father. She smiled as her Mother disappeared around the corner.
For about two seconds…
"Do you need anything, Sweetheart?" She asked, her head popping around the door.
"An Enema?"
"Don't be rude. You sound like your father." Her Mother chided, pointing at her.
"Intel will be fine, thank you Mom." She said, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes.
If based on the perfect timing of the Gods, Harvey walked in, in his usual Suit. She noticed that he was dressed in a silver tie with tiny specks of red in the seaming; a tie she'd realised of late was synonymous with them; any fight, any worry he had for her or their relationship and out came the tie; just like clockwork. There was something oddly perfect about this attire; too clean, from his usual perfection. Like he was covering his tracks and knew that she'd have noticed an indent or the sight of it being off just slightly.
"Hey," He said, automatically walking to her, bending to kiss her soundly, if not a longer-than-usual 'hello' kiss. He'd missed her.
"Hey. Let me look at you." She said, leaning back to get a better look. She watched his frown indent as he put two and two together.
"Donna," He objected, the patience lost in his voice.
"Covering your tracks? You think I wouldn't notice that you've adjusted your tie…probably twice before you came in here?"
"It's…been a stressful morning." He revealed reluctantly.
She stopped then. Now was not the time to hound him. Instead, she grabbed at his belt loop, gently pulling him to sit on the bed, her hands lingering on his roughened jaw as her head lolled onto his shoulder.
"How you holding up?" He said, his voice intimate in their personal space.
"Where's our baby?" She frowned, chewing on the inside of her lip.
His head shot up then. Immediate fire in his eyes. "They haven't told you, yet?"
"Told me what?" The panic rose in her chest, like she'd missed something, something bad.
"Anything? This is outrageous, I've been gone for six hours! Hasn't the Doctor been round yet?" He rose immediately, his temper flaring.
"Harvey, stop. My Mom's here. She's gone to find out."
"This is our baby, Donna. I'm your… lawyer… amongst other things. This is unacceptable." He said.
For the first time, she didn't have it in herself to hold him back. He could sue the whole hospital for all she cared. She nodded as all but slammed the door behind him.
Not more than fifteen minutes later, a tall gangly man was shuffling in front of her.
"Hi, Donna. I'm Doctor Sands. Your Doctor's been called into another emergency, so I'm here in his absence. I hear you're doing better from when we brought you in?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. What about the baby?" She asked, her tone direct as the Doctor looked over the pages of her chart.
"How are you feeling in yourself? You're not tired, or dizzy?" He asked.
"No I'm fine. The baby. Please. What's going on?" She pressed; noticing Harvey and her Mother lingering outside in the hall.
"He seems stable. We're unable to remove the respirator, but so far, he's hanging in there."
"When can I see him?" She asked, her voice pressing.
"Well, unfortunately, not right now. It says here that you're having problems clotting, still?"
"No one has told me anything. So... perhaps. What does that mean, generally?"
"Possibly nothing. Often with these kinds of complications and such a large transfusion it takes the body time to regulate itself. We have to be sure it doesn't develop into disseminated intra-vascular coagulation, which could put all your other organs at risk."
"Disseminated what?" She frowned, sounding all too much like Harvey.
"Because of your complications with the placental abruption and losing so much blood at birth and adding to that, the lack of clotting, there is always a small risk that you could clot elsewhere in the body. As a result this could lead to pressure on the vital organs and put you at a serious risk."
He watched her face tense, words forming. He jumped in before she could form the question. "But, the risk is small that it could develop and we want to be safe. And, I'm keen that you'll return to good health. But for now…we're going to need to monitor you for a few more days longer. Would you mind lifting your gown for a moment so I can have a look at your C-section stitching?"
She complied, undoing the gown at the back, as she held the sheet against her pelvis.
"How is the sensation around this area?" He asked, indicating to her left hip.
"Fine. Not in any pain or…"
"It looks good. Obviously with such a large incision and problems with clotting, I'd recommend you don't move, at all if you can help it, and restrict the blood from rushing too quickly to the vulnerable areas."
"So you're saying… I can't see him?"
"Not yet. Give it day. By then we should have more information for you, and hopefully you'll start to show an improvement. Both of you."
"So you're feeding him, then?" She asked, her attention firmly on her lack of child.
"Yes, he's being taken good care of. When I'm confident that you're well enough, I'll have a wheelchair sent so that you can visit. I'm promise."
That dream flooded into her head through the fixture of an unsure smile as she fought the urge to melt with tears. It was overly dramatic notion, but somehow fitting, all things considered.
Harvey hated waiting outside. He felt like he should be in there, just in case Donna had gotten the worst news in the world. He fidgeted on the spot; releasing his bound hands. He only realised after a second that someone had moved to hold it. He frowned and looked down to see a pair of brown eyes staring with a kindness back at him.
"She'll be okay Harvey." She smiled.
"Sara; hey." He said, having only just remembered that she'd arrived earlier. He smiled weakly, his frown offsetting any cordial greeting he might have wished for.
"You know… I never thought you two would work it out. I always worried you were the man in her life that she'd spend not living it for."
"I," He fumbled, knocked momentarily by her sharpness of subject.
He was at a loss. It was the awkward talk he'd been avoiding for so long. Now wasn't really the place, but of all people, she wasn't the one he should challenge on it. He gathered his vowels, hoping a lucid consonant would join. "We've both changed a lot."
"I can see. I saw you…before. It's nice to see her in a glimmer of happiness. Especially at such a difficult time."
"Thanks. She means a lot to me." He said.
"I can see that. I think the entire congregation saw that." She smiled knowingly.
There was something about this woman. Not just the flash of Donna in her, but beyond that her warmth; how it seeped out of the cracks of her being through a cheeky reverence. The moment pushed him into a brave corner.
"You've always resented me. For keeping your daughter in New York?" He surmised, his brows knitting together only increasing his natural smoulder.
Although taken back for a second; she paused, her eyes in thought before her attention was brought back to match his own dark gaze. "Yes and No. Donna is a…complex woman. She always was, even as a child. Always wanting things she couldn't or shouldn't have. But I just wanted her to be happy. I don't think either her father or myself considered that you'd ever…step up to the plate, as it were."
"And now?" He asked, intrigued.
"I'm glad that you stopped that wedding." She smiled, squeezing his arm through his Tom Ford suit.
"That…will mean a lot to her. To both of us. I don't think she wanted to uh… to disappoint you."
"Donna has always put others before herself. Despite her wanting. But you probably know all about that?"
The way her eyes flashed; the slight accusation in them, covered with understanding. It occurred to Harvey, that if he ever joined their family, when he joined their family, he'd have some… closing to do, still. Maybe not even closing. Just... making up for lost time and stealing their daughter away to the city.
"Yeah. But I'm here for her. For the baby. They're…" He paused, the idea of saying the words to an almost stranger strangled at his throat. He bit back the urge to say nothing. "…they're everything to me."
She smiled, a cat like 'Donna' of a grin, as she smoothed his lapel. "Good answer." Her eyes flicked out to the glass door. "I think they're waiting for us in there."
Harvey opened the door for his kind-of Mother-in-law before entering himself. He immediately glanced towards Donna, who seemed composed but tense.
"What's the deal, Doctor?" He said, not wanting to push her to explain.
"Donna needs rest. She has risk of clotting around her vital organs as a result of her wound taking time to clot. She won't be able to see the baby just yet, and I've advised that she not move and has complete bed-rest. The baby is stable, but not out of the woods yet. Both need time to get accustomed. You're welcome to go and see him Mr Specter; but Donna will have to be monitored for a few more days before I'm happy for her to move or even be considered well enough to go home."
"I don't want to be where the baby's not anyway, so... good deal all round." Donna suddenly said, earning looks from both Harvey and her Mother.
The Doctor cleared his throat, loudly. "Is there anything you need to ask me before I go, Donna?"
"Uh, No." She smiled weakly, her fingers playing with the sheet as it rippled around her legs. "Thankyou, Doctor."
"You're welcome. If you think of anything, feel free to have me called. And Mr Specter, Mrs Paulsen, apologies to you both about the wait. I should have been paged in her Doctor's absence."
"Let's just not have that happen again, huh?" Sarah chimed in roughly before Donna or Harvey could rescue the Doctor; who merely smiled professionally before shutting the door quickly behind him.
"Okay, you two. No terrorising anyone else today, okay?" She said, her sharp gaze lingering on both parties.
"What did I do?" Harvey barked slightly, before a strangled grin erupted when he saw her challenge him on it. He daren't look at her Mother who was probably glaring at him too. Or smiling. Or a combination of the two, knowing her wickedness.
"Well Sweetheart. Relax; Doctor's orders. I'm going to call your father. He's most likely lost in the middle of Manhattan by now." She smiled, kissing Donna's hair before navigating quietly around Harvey towards the open door.
Harvey exhaled slowly, taking his usual seat next to her bed, his fingers knitting with hers as his eyes took her in.
"Rough day." He said.
"Rough three days, nearly." She corrected.
He nodded in agreement, the impulse to yawn taking over.
"Harvey, go home. GO get some rest."
"No. I'm not leaving. I think…I'm gonna go see him." He said, hiding the guilt at being able to.
"Yeah?" She said, holding back the sad envy that caught at her insides. She wanted so desperately to see her little boy; this mysterious child that she felt so close to and yet so far from.
"I'm sorry you can't see him." He said, his voice softening.
"At least one of us does. Try and take a picture? No flash." She smiled at her own over-mothering tone.
"I'll try." He said, moving to kiss her on the lips, his mouth hovering next to hers as his blurred eyes found hers. She kissed him back once more, her hand scratching lightly where his hair met the nape of his neck. He wanted to tell her that she was going to be an amazing Mother. Somehow it seemed like the worse idea in the world. "Try and relax, okay? I know it's not your strong suit." His eyes warned, good-naturedly.
"I can't promise," She smiled, her face tiring of the action.
"Try. Donna?"
"I'll try." She finally placated, the tension releasing from her like a child losing an argument. He smirked, heading for the door as some of his usual swagger returned.
"And Harvey?"
Her words stopped him at the door.
"What?" He offered, his voice soft.
"Come back after."
"Where else would I be." He smiled. It was a new smile. She'd never seen it before.
But like every other one,
It meant something important.
Sorry to everyone that this took so long. It was hard to navigate through.