~o~

5

We Follow

"Going to bed already?" Yuffie wondered, raising an eyebrow at me.

I was headed toward the staircase. "Yep, I'm tired," I said innocently.

She looked at her watch. "You're early. You might be waiting for him a while."

Wait—she knew what was going on? And she was okay with it? I stared at her with wide eyes.

She laughed. "Sorry about the way I acted before," she said, her eyes warm and friendly. "I misjudged him. Riku's a nice kid. I can see why you would want to hang out with him."

I gaped at her. "How do you—"

We heard footsteps.

"Well," Chancellor Tsukada interrupted us by coming around the corner. His tone was pleased. "Well."

I looked up as he approached me from across the hallway. Yuffie excused herself with a tiny bow.

"Did you have a good time with Setzer tonight?"

I shrugged. "It was alright. We fed the birds on the castle steps."

His eyebrows shot up. "You... fed... birds? Why?"

I laughed. "I don't think every date has to be extravagant. And I didn't feel like going anywhere."

"Well... what did he think about it?"

I pondered that for a moment. "I think he liked it. He was just so... quiet."

Chancellor Tsukada rolled his eyes to the heavens and sighed. "Well, I must admit that is an improvement."

I laughed.

"Did you tell him you would marry him?"

"No," I said indifferently.

He frowned. "Why?"

"Because I'm not ready for that yet. I doubt that I'll ever be, but at least I'm giving it a chance."

Chancellor Tsukada gave me a strange look, then turned to leave. "Don't take too long," were his parting words.

~o~

"Riku?" I whispered into the darkness.

There was no response. I walked slowly through the nothingness, waiting to feel his touch or hear his voice…

I was alarmed when I reached my nightstand and only cold air surrounded me. I turned my lamp on and whirled around, but there was nothing to see. He wasn't there.

I shivered in my tiny tank top, longing for the blanket of his arms.

I knew I shouldn't. I had no right to.

And yet for some reason, my stomach was full of butterflies as I made my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. When I was finished, I walked back into my bedroom almost hopefully, but to my dismay, it was just as empty as before.

I opened the window as wide as it would go. The night air was even colder than the nothingness and my teeth began to chatter. Then, with nothing else to do, I went and sat down on my bed.

Suddenly, with the agility of a cat, he swung in through the window and landed on the carpet with a dull thud. His eyes were bright, his cheeks red from the cold.

"Riku!" I cried, running to him.

He hugged me tight, then released me suddenly. "Well, what do you think?" he asked, spinning on the spot.

I gasped. "Riku! Your hair!"

"Like it?"

"I... yeah, it's nice," I said, reaching up and running my fingers through the wispy strands of silver that reached only to his shoulders, now. He wore crisp new jeans and a white T-shirt that his muscles strained against.

He laughed at my inspection. "I went to Cid's shop again and you'll never guess who I met there."

"Who?"

"That crazy—uh, I mean—Yuffie. You know, your lady-in-waiting."

"Oh," I said. Then something dawned on me. "That would explain it."

"What?"

"She told me that she decided you're not an emo brat, after all," I teased, grinning and peeking up at him from beneath my eyelashes.

He laughed loudly—a single-noted sound that made me giggle, too. Then he flashed a smile at me and, still chortling, said, "Yeah, well she's not so bad, either. She's the one who cut my hair."

I touched it again. "It reminds me of when we were little. This was the way you always had it."

"Yeah." After a moment, his smile faded and said, "So… you think it makes me look like a little kid?" He ran a hand self-consciously through the wispy ends.

I laughed; how absurd. "No. Riku, you never looked like a little kid—to me, or anyone else."

He looked puzzled for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"You've always been… too mature for your age. You really never were a little kid. Not in the normal sense."

After a moment, a self-satisfied look spread across his face. "Huh," he said dispassionately, but I could see that what I'd said had pleased him, though I hadn't really meant it as a compliment.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. "So what did you and Yuffie talk about?" I asked as my blanket of protection came over me again.

He laughed. "Guess."

I raised an eyebrow at him.

He hugged me tighter and I felt him rest his chin on the top of my head. "You're all I talk about anymore. You're all I ever think about."

I stiffened and pulled away from me for a brief moment. My heart began to pound unevenly. I could feel the seam running down the middle starting to split again. I knew what was going on; I'd known it from the start. It was so stupid of me to think I could deny it. If I let this go on any longer, I'd never be able to dig myself out.

"Kairi," Riku eventually said. His voice was so low and serious that I knew his thoughts were—unfortunately—in tune with mine. "What does... this... feel like to you?"

He was still holding me, his face pressed against mine. No, no, no… this could not be happening. It just couldn't.

It took me a moment to answer. "It feels... good," I admitted. I bit my lip.

"In what way?"

Crap. I blushed. I knew he could feel the heat from my face on his. I said, "Nice. Like... it's nice to have my friend back again. I missed you so much."

"But that's all?" His voice was low and attractive.

My resolve began to crumble; I hated to cause him pain. And he deserved my honesty. "No," I said softly. "No, that's not all."

A tear escaped my eye and dashed down my cheek.

Something very soft and warm brushed up against the corner of my mouth, removing the sparkling bead of moisture, then pressed ever so gently against my skin. I held my breath. It was so hard not to meet the lips that so longingly searched for mine.

I sighed and Riku tucked a strand of my hair lovingly behind my ear. "I'm... so sorry," he muttered.

"What for?" I wondered, composing myself.

"This."

The agonizing splitting of the seam returned in full force. It ripped, it tore, it bled freely. How could this be happening? And yet I knew that I deserved it.

"I'm sorry too," I said, watching the flash of pain that flitted across his face. "But… what else is there to do? It's… almost too late."

"I know," he said. "Too late for both of us."

"Yep."

He held me. His body began to tremble.

"Shhhh," I soothed him and stroked his cheek with my right hand. "Shhhh. It's gonna be okay."

"How can you say that?" he asked, agonized. "Don't you feel like you're going to bleed to death?"

"Yes," I answered simply.

"Aren't you afraid that Sora would hate us if he knew?"

"Yes," I repeated.

"This is wrong," he moaned.

"Yes."

I could see his eyes roll, even in the darkness. "So how is it going to be alright, Kairi? You tell me."

I laughed and he looked at me with blatant disbelief. "Because we're following our hearts," I said. "They're not gonna lead us off a cliff."

He snorted. I knew that for someone as independent as Riku, the idea of following anything off the edge of a cliff was unfathomable. But what else was there to do at this point?

"So... what now?" he wondered aloud.

"We follow," I answered, pressing my face against his neck.

After a long moment of contemplation, he leaned over and touched my lamp. With a click we were in our own world. He took my right hand and placed it gently upon his shoulder. Then he grasped my left in his right and wound his fingers in mine. He placed his left hand on my waist and I could see his smile in the moonlight that was now streaming through the window.

He started to hum again—that same familiar tune. We danced around in a tight little circle. I rested my head on his shoulder and felt the steady vibrations of his voice beneath my cheek.

The moon lit our dance floor and in the pearly light I could see everything on his face that I knew must be reflected on mine; it was as though I was looking into a mirror.

Suddenly, the humming stopped. Riku took a breath.

"Kairi?" He murmured.

"Hmm?"

We were still dancing in our perfect little circle. I was happy, yet I was sad. I was afraid of what the future would bring.

"A couple nights ago you asked me why I saved you," he said quietly. "Why I pulled you out of the darkness. Remember?"

I pulled away from him, so that I could see his face more easily. "Yeah."

"I told you why. But I don't think you really got the full meaning."

We'd stopped dancing. Now we just stood there, staring into each other's eyes.

"The full meaning?" I wondered why he was suddenly looking at the floor.

"Yeah."

I took Riku's chin between my fingers and lifted his head so that I could see his eyes. He looked into mine and in that moment, I could feel everything that he was feeling.

"What was it?" I whispered, afraid of the answer.

He smiled, a little bitterly, and said, "It is too late. Already. Because what I was trying to tell you was… I love you. I always have."

~o~

"Shhh," Riku whispered. I realized that my sobs had grown into wails. "Shhh. It'll be alright."

But it seemed that I would never be able to stop—surely I would sob and sob until there was not a drop of moisture left in my body.

I looked up at him pitifully. "How can you say that?" I repeated his question. The tears that fell from my eyes could not be dammed up. It felt like the warm moisture that ran down my face in rivers was surely my heart's red blood—surely it was gushing from my every pore.

A few minutes ago, I'd told him that we should follow our hearts; that they wouldn't lead us off a cliff… but now the realization hit me like a brick wall: they already had.

He wasn't Sora. He'd never be Sora. And he loved me. I'd never wanted this and neither had he.

And so I sobbed and sobbed into his shoulder, for what could have been hours or days or months; I wasn't sure. Finally, I became aware that I was lying in my bed; Riku's arms were still wrapped around me. The pillow that my cheek rested upon was completely soaked.

"Riku?" I said. My voice was so hoarse.

"Yeah?"

"What now?"

He thought about that for a moment.

"We follow," he finally said, firmly.

"You sure?" I whispered. "It just might kill us, you know."

"I know." He gave a humorless laugh. "Believe me, I know."

I searched for his face and found it with my hand. As I stroked his cheek, he stroked mine.

"Patch me up again, Riku," I suddenly was begging him. "Like you did before."

He moaned. "I'm not your doctor, Kairi. I'm your executioner."

"I won't ever believe that," I blubbered. There was nothing intentional about the agony he was inflicting on me now.

Abruptly, he pulled away from me and sat up.

"Make it better," I begged. "Please."

"I don't know how," he said, looking away from me into the darkness. Then, as suddenly as he had pulled away, he leaned over me and placed his arm on the other side of my body. His face hung over mine and his bright blue eyes were intense.

We stared at each other for a long moment. Then I whispered, "Is this gonna hurt, doctor?"

"For a second. But then it's gonna go away—all of it," he breathed. He chuckled darkly. "It'll be like a shot of morphine."

"Then let's get on with it."

He gazed into my eyes, then complied. With the softest, most loving brutality I'd ever felt, he pressed his lips to mine.

They were hot. They burned me. It hurt. Oh, it hurt so bad. Like sticking frozen fingers into a steaming bowl of water. It burned, it smarted, it felt so wrong. Why had I asked for this?

And then, something changed. One half of my heart, which had been lying there bleeding dejectedly, began sew itself together again. It was not being reunited with its other half—that could never happen. What was could never be again. But a new seam was forming, one that would staunch the bleeding from at least that half and dull the fiery pain.

As my lips began to move with his, the seam grew longer and longer, sealing the blood inside. I held his face in my hands and tasted his skin, the seam reached the top of my gory wound and what was left of my heart gave an uneven thud.

Again and again, our lips met. I wasn't sure where Riku had learned to kiss, or if he'd ever even been kissed, but his lips were light and delicious in their movements, brushing and subtly sucking. There was nothing invasive about it at all and it drove me crazy. When I'd try to find his tongue, he'd pull back, making me search for him, then touch my spine in a way that made me arch my back toward him and whisper his name.

The moon set and my bedroom was immersed in complete darkness. Yet still we clung to one another. Letting go seemed like an impossibility.

And if it had been anyone but Riku (aside from Sora, of course), I would have been absolutely repulsed. If it had been Setzer, or some other guy… some guy who didn't know me, who didn't share this connection with me, then… I probably wouldn't have even given it a second thought.

But it was Riku. He was my best friend and Sora's, too; he knew what was at stake.

And there was something about the broadness of his shoulders, the thickness of his arms, the smell of his cologne, and the way his hair tickled my cheek as his lips danced over my face and neck that held me where I was. His taste, his smell, and the way he sighed with pleasure when I ran my hands down his tightly muscled stomach made some part of me wonder at what I had been missing for so long.

Maybe I was a terrible person. But the fact remained that I had been so, so lonely before and when Riku had arrived… well, he was like the patch of moonlight on my bedroom floor… barely luminous, yet enough to distract me from the suffocating black night around me. And that patch of light might've been just enough to save me… and maybe enough to save him, too.

He seemed to be in his element; whenever he pulled away, his eyes would open and their aqua depths seemed almost luminous in the moonlight. A slight smirk played around the corners of his glistening lips as he brushed at the wispy strands of hair that clung to them.

"Riku…" A bittersweet sigh. And every time the hushed words came out of my mouth, he'd flash his bright white smile at me and our sorrow would be lost in the moment.

He held me tightly against him, caressing my shoulders and lower back; relishing the slender arch of muscle and pearly skin that was my body in his hands.

I noticed when his touch became lighter and I dully realized that my own lips had finally stopped moving and I was lying flat and still, rather than curled toward him. His eyes were closed, his arms like a blanket around me, his lips unmoving on his face. His breathing came softly and slowly.

I was so exhausted that I could hardly command my body to move. But somehow I managed to tighten my hold on him before everything went black. I drifted away into a sweet and painless nothing.

~o~

"Umm... Kairi? You've got to get down to breakfast. Please, please, please wake up."

Someone was forcefully poking my bare shoulder. I frowned, then sighed as I felt Riku's arms tighten around me. "Let her sleep," his deep voice commanded.

"I can't, Riku. If she doesn't show up soon, Chancellor Tsukada will come looking for her."

"Then let him come. Anyone could see that rest is what she needs. She's not well."

There was a long pause and I was tempted to open my eyes. Then Yuffie said, "What did you do to her?" Her voice was flat and hard.

He sighed. Suddenly his arms were gone and I was all alone. I gasped and opened my eyes. The air stung them like acid.

"It's my fault," Riku was saying, his eyes closed and his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "All my fault."

"What is?" Yuffie asked coldly. I could tell that her newfound opinion of Riku was being dissolved.

I sat up and two sets of eyes fell on me. My head hurt and the room was spinning. I was so tired that I could hardly hold my head up, but somehow I managed to say, "It's not your fault, Riku. It's just as much mine."

Yuffie bent over and looked intently into my eyes. Her mouth turned down at the corners. Her eyebrows were furrowed.

"Don't be mad at Riku," I sighed. "Just don't."

She shook her head. "You look awful, Kairi."

I shrugged and ran a hand over my face. My eyes were swollen from all the crying; my lips were chapped and extremely dry.

"Well what am I supposed to do?" Yuffie demanded after a long pause. "What am I supposed to tell them?"

"Tell them she's sick," Riku said, looking out my window. I could tell that he still blamed himself.

"Well..." She hesitated. "I guess that would work. She looks bad enough."

I grimaced. I was about to tell them to stop talking about me like I wasn't there when Riku got up and walked over to my window.

"Riku," I gasped. He stopped, but didn't turn around. Fresh tears burned my eyes. "Don't go."

He stood there, unmoving.

"I need you," I whispered.

He didn't respond.

"Please," I shuddered. "Don't leave me again."

Finally, with a groan of surrender, he came back to sit down beside me.

"Um... I'll go get you guys some breakfast," Yuffie said, looking back and forth between us. "And I'll give everyone the news of your sudden, tragic illness," she added with a snort.

"Thanks," I murmured, my eyes still on Riku. "And make it convincing. We can't have anybody coming to investigate."

As the door closed, we gazed calmly into each other's eyes. So much had passed between us. How could things ever be the same?

I knew the answer. They couldn't. Just as my heart could never be whole again. Something about our relationship had died last night, something good and pure and sweet that I was sorry to say goodbye to. At the same time, I wondered what would rise from the ashes of our cremated friendship.

I was suddenly shy of him. My face began to color. "I'm gonna go—clean up," I said, standing and looking away from him.

"'Kay."

Something occurred to me. My eyes narrowed and I gave him a fierce look. "Don't leave," I warned him.

He smiled and shook his head. "What are you gonna do, chain me to your bed frame? I said I would stay, okay?"

I studied him for a moment. "Okay."

I grabbed a fresh outfit from my closet, then went into my bathroom and closed the door. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror as I passed it on my way to the shower. "Gah!" I gasped.

My eyes were red and the skin around them was swollen. My hair was tangled, my lips cracked and tender. I swayed a little as my head gave a particularly nasty throb. Sheesh. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was completely hung over.

I smirked to myself. Hung over. That's exactly what I was. I'd gotten completely wasted off of Riku and now I was suffering the consequences.

I hurried to shower and dress in my usual miniskirt and tank top, still unsure of whether or not he would stay, despite his reassurance. After I finished brushing my teeth and combing my hair, I heard a loud laugh from the other room. It sounded like Leon. Curious, I opened the door a crack and peered out.

They were all there—Leon, Yuffie, Aerith, even Cid. And Riku, smiling and looking at ease sitting on my thick ivory carpet, with a half-eaten piece of toast in one hand.

"Eat," Yuffie commanded, spotting me and gesturing toward a tray of eggs, toast, and bacon.

I walked over, sat down, and picked up a piece of bacon. I sucked on it, enjoying the rich, familiar flavor as Leon, Riku, and Cid chatted away about politics, weaponry, and even advertising strategies for Cid to consider, since business at the shop hadn't exactly been booming as of late. Yuffie fussed over my straight, damp hair and begged me to let her attack it with the curling iron again. Aerith laughed and smiled gently, but didn't say much.

Once everyone had eaten, Leon and Riku left to go into town with a promise that they'd be back in a half hour. The whole time that they were gone, I was distressed and anxious. I paced back and forth, until Yuffie threatened to tie me to a chair.

"You're kind of possessive, aren't you Kairi?" Aerith observed as I ignored Yuffie and went to look out the window.

I scowled at her. "Possessive? What do you mean, possessive?"

She shrugged and smiled, her easygoing nature preventing her from responding.

"What do you mean? Just tell me."

She sighed. "Well... sometimes you just need to let them go. You have to understand. They need to go—that doesn't mean they want to. And they'll always come back."

I frowned. "How do you know? Cloud's still gone." As soon as the words were out, I wanted to call them back. It was practically criminal to hurt Aerith's feelings, when she was so good and sweet.

Yuffie scowled at me.

However, Aerith only said, "True. But he'll come back." She seemed unperturbed by my jab.

My shoulders slumped. "I can't do that, Aerith. I'm not like you—I need him with me, or else I can't keep believing. I can't keep letting him go. I just can't!"

"Who are we talking about here?" Yuffie said wryly. "Riku? Or someone else?"

I shot her an irritated glance.

"See? Possessive," Aerith said, closing her eyes and leaning back on one of my pillows.

She was right; who did I think I was kidding, anyway? I sighed in defeat. "I didn't used to be that way. It's happened kind of recently, I guess."

"You're just tired of being left. That's understandable," Aerith said, smiling gently. "Don't worry. He'll come back."

I wasn't sure who she was talking about, but either way, it soothed me. We exchanged hopeful smiles.

And that was the end of our serious conversation for the day. When the boys came back, we played board games, ate popcorn, and laughed and talked for hours. Riku sat next to me on the carpet, smiling and talking, only looking haunted by the pain when our eyes met. It felt good to pretend like nothing was wrong, to converse casually and enjoy our time together rather than weep through it.

Evening came and everyone but Riku left. Yuffie went to get us some dinner, Leon went to Merlin's, Cid went back to the shop, and Aerith headed back to her house for the night. She didn't work and live at the castle like Yuffie.

"Um, Kairi?" Riku said when we were alone again. "Tonight Merlin and Leon are doing some city work—working on the town security system and stuff. There could be danger, they never know when Heartless or Nobodies will slip through. They asked me if I would help."

My eyes widened. "You're leaving? Again?"

"I'll be back tomorrow. It's just one night."

I sighed and sat down on my bed.

"Besides, it's about time you had a good night's sleep," he mused. "It will be better this way."

I scowled at him. How could it possibly be better? I'd just lay awake all night, worrying about his safety and the possibility that he may not ever come back. And why was he always so eager to leave? Didn't he want me around as much as I wanted him?

"I don't want to be alone," I murmured. "I'm so freaking tired of it."

"Sorry. But you'll be alright."

I glared at a spot on the wall just over his shoulder. Then, an idea struck me. "Hey! I'll just go with you!" I was tired of being stuck in the castle, anyway. It would be fun to see the city by night, especially with Riku and Leon.

But Riku frowned and my smile faded a little. "No. It's not safe." He said shortly.

I was surprised, then insulted. "Excuse me? I'm a princess. I'll do whatever I want." I stood up and folded my arms. I'd never used that line before, but now seemed to be as good a time as any.

He stepped forward, grabbed me by shoulders, and sat me back down on the bed like a disobedient child. "No," he said firmly. "I'm not going to endanger you. And you'll just slow me down."

The other half of my heart seared; I'd heard that before, or something pretty similar to it, at least. I scowled again. I could feel more stupid tears burning under my eyelids. I averted my eyes and tried to wrench my shoulders from his grasp, but had no success.

"Let me go," I said crossly. Words that weren't really meant for him came bursting through my lips: "You don't want me anyway."

He looked at me incredulously.

"It's true," I insisted after a moment of shocked silence. He had no way of knowing it, but it was his use of Sora's words that had upset me the most. "It's true. Otherwise you would want to be with me, instead of leaving all the time."

He was shaking his head. "Kairi," he said slowly, "It's because I want you that I won't let you come with me tonight. You'll get hurt."

"No I won't!" I cried. "We've fought side by side before. Remember?"

"Yes. Because there wasn't another choice. I gave you that keyblade so you could defend yourself and for that reason alone."

"Well I'm sorry that was such a painful experience for you," I said disdainfully.

He rolled his eyes at me.

"Why don't you just go already?" I said, trying again to free myself from his grasp. "There's nothing keeping you here."

"Like hell there isn't!" he snapped. The intensity of his anger scared me a little. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, they burned like blue fire. "For crying out loud, I just told you that I loved you," he said. "Do you really think that I don't want you?"

"I—I know you don't," I said, and the tremor in my voice made it less impressive.

He looked at me for a while. Then his expression became speculative. He raised an eyebrow and leaned forward just a tiny bit. "You sure about that?" he asked. He bent down so that his face was level with mine, his eyes still bright, but with something other than anger.

"Positive," I stammered. I had a vague idea what he was planning and the thought of it made my stomach twist in anticipation.

He leaned in toward me, cocking his head, and the tip of his nose dashed across my skin, as though he were taking in its scent. "How positive?" His lips whispered against my cheek. One hand still held me by my shoulder; the other began to trace my collarbone lightly.

"Um... very," I said, but my will was crumbling quickly.

He kissed me. His touch was light and delicious, just like it had been last night; he sucked on my lower lip, occasionally pulling away enough to look at me from beneath his long black eyelashes. Then he'd smile, close his eyes, and lean in again. My head would spin.

After a minute, he pulled back again, very slowly this time, smirking and teasing me. He moved far enough away that, when he finally stopped, one eyebrow raised, I found myself on my feet, leaning toward him with my eyes half-closed.

I blushed and sat back down, then folded my arms across my chest.

"So… how about now?" He murmured, a smirk playing around the corners of his lips.

I took a deep, steadying breath before answering, but it did no good; my voice still shook. "Still sure." I tried not to look at him, but then one of his hands was on top of mine and the other was beneath my chin. I'll admit, I was more than willing to allow him to tilt my face toward him, this time.

He kissed me until my mind was in a haze and all I could hear was my own breathing and the frantic pounding of my heart. I could feel his hands tracing my arms, my neck, my throat. I blushed and ducked my head as his fingers lingered at my tank top straps. But this time, his lips followed mine so hungrily that I couldn't get away.

I was finally able to pull my mouth out of his when we both ran out of oxygen.

"Change your mind yet?" He wondered, panting lightly and trying to catch my eye.

I shook my head quickly, but couldn't look at him. He caught my chin again and pulled it up until my face was level with his. I couldn't help but smile just a tiny bit. His answering grin was exultant.

"That's okay," he said, laughing. "I have plenty of time to convince you—all the time in the world."

We studied each other in silence and part of me hoped that it was true... The other part wasn't so sure, though.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door. Both Riku and I jumped. Then he straightened up and said, "Come in," in a husky voice.

"Since when do you knock?" I asked as Yuffie came in with a large dinner tray on one hand. I could smell soup and tonic.

"Since I wondered if you might like a little privacy," she said primly, coming to set the tray on my night table. "Don't get used to it."

As I picked up my spoon and dunked it into the piping-hot bowl of clam chowder, Riku began backing toward the window. I stared him down. He hesitated before putting his hands on the marble window sill.

"There's some here for you too, Riku," Yuffie said pointedly.

"Thanks, but I've got to get going. See you." He gave me a warning glance before climbing neatly through the window and out of sight. My shoulders slumped in defeat and I let my spoon fall as my appetite melted away.