It could be simple; he didn't have to feel pain anymore. He wasn't a religious man, he didn't believe in heaven or hell. He had never feared for his own life, only for the lives of others. After all, in death he would feel nothing, when others died he would feel grief no matter how well he hid it. Such a selfish gesture it was, but then again he had always been a bastard. Slowly he lifted the cold hard gun to his temple.
There was a hole in Tony's heart. It gaped open, as if taunting him. His little chat with Sarah had torn it wide open. With renewed determination he had asked her to analyze all the evidence from both scenes. Both shootings were consistent with Ari's insolent personality and agonizingly good aim. The same person had shot both Kate and Abby, no surprise of course. Armed with this information Tony had set off to inform Gibbs. Really Gibbs already knew, Tony just wanted to speak to the older man, hear his take on Sarah, as he had been stony and silent down in the lab earlier, simply to talk. Gibbs had grumpily gone home earlier. Could this be the beginning of a new boat? How did he get those goddam things out of his basement? Tony could have mulled numbingly over the subject for hours but just in time he arrived at Gibbs's place. The house wasn't anything impressive but it sure as hell wasn't a shack. The lawn was mowed but there was no flower garden, or window boxes. The paint wasn't chipping but the windows hadn't been washed in a very long time. All the lights except for those in the basement were off.
Figures.
As per usual the door was unlocked and Tony let himself in. He didn't turn on any lights, trying to preserve what he jokingly referred to as "the sanctuary of Gibbs." Trying to be as silent as possible he went down the stairs that lead to Gibbs's basement. There was no reassuring sound of old fashioned sanding block against already smooth wood. No saw, nothing. Tony proceeded down the stairs until he reached the landing at the bottom. He hesitated to turn and look, not knowing how he would find the older man. Sitting silently, bourbon in hand? Whatever he expected it was certainly not what he found. Gibbs sat on top of his relatively completed boat, cross legged, in his hand was the gun he possessed for personal use, he had it centered on his temple, cocked and ready to shoot. His blue eyes were closed.
Shit! Is he already dead? He's not moving!
Tony mentally head slapped himself when he noticed the steady up and down pattern of Gibbs's breathing. Just thinking.
How did one handle this type of situation? Tony's boss, superior, mentor, friend even, sat before him with a gun to his head, ready to pull the trigger. His first instinct was to lunge for the gun but quickly resolved that, that would only result in Gibbs's and even possibly Tony's death.
"Uh, hey boss." He said, trying to sound casual. Gibbs looked up unfeelingly. "Ya know, uh that's dangerous, holding your gun to your head like that." Tony played dumb. Chuckling nervously he added "But I bet you knew that."
"This doesn't concern you Dinozzo." Gibbs dismissed.
Of course it does!! If I just walk away and leave you to pull the trigger what would that make me? Do you want to take away another member of our already decimated team?
"Yes, yes it does, you pull that trigger, I'll be transferred, and I'll be investigated," He paused. "And I'll loose one of the best friends I've ever had."
"And how many friends have you had Tony?" Gibbs sniped. He sighed.
"Not many really." He conceded "But you don't want me to loose another one of the few I have had?" He tried to turn it around.
"I've lived through things you can't even fathom, why are you hounding me with your selfish complaints?"
This was totally unlike Gibbs. It wasn't meaner than Gibbs might usually be, no, he would probably think it, but he would never voice it, or allow himself to show as much emotion as he was now. Could he be seriously considering pulling that trigger? Of course he could.
"I can't find Ari on my own, you know."
"Sure you can, you're the 'senior field agent' I think you can handle it." He growled.
"But, but if you pull that trigger than it's up to me and I'm, I'm incompetent so I might screw it up and then that son of a bitch will walk. You don't want that do you?"
"This is like in one of your movies isn't DiNozzo?"
"Well actually it is slightly cliché." Tony almost grinned. Slowly corners of the older man's mouth tugged ever so slightly upwards and he laid the gun down beside him. Tony quickly snatched it out of harms way an swiftly unloaded it. Without a word Gibbs just lay down on the boat and closed his eyes.